Full Summary:
๐๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐ธ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ญ๐ฅ ๐ช๐ต ๐ง๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ญ ๐ญ๐ช๐ฌ๐ฆ ๐ช๐ง ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ต๐ฐ๐ณ๐ฆ ๐ฎ๐ฆ ๐ข๐ฑ๐ข๐ณ๐ต?
๐๐ฐ๐ฎ๐ฆ ๐ฐ๐ฏ ๐ค๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ธ ๐ฐ๐ฏ ๐ฎ๐บ ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ข๐ณ๐ต,
๐๐ฐ๐ฎ๐ฆ ๐ฐ๐ฏ ๐ค๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ธ ๐ฐ๐ฏ ๐ฎ๐บ ๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ข๐ณ๐ต.
Asahi sometimes gets a bit too lost in his own thoughts and insecurities, although he had gotten better at dealing with the feelings of not being enough, it was still hard.
Kisumi had told himself for the longest time that the best way to deal with his feelings was to repress them so that he didn't bother anyone, despite knowing that it could backfire.
Everything is fine, until suddenly it's not. Exams cause unnecessary stress which sparks up feelings of insecurity for Asahi and he doesn't cope anywhere near as well as he usually would.
A/n: This is entirely me projecting onto Kisumi cos I'm a sad bitch apparently lol
I started this and then found a couple of songs which I then became obsessed with and decided they fit with it so uh look up the songs 'Chew on my heart' and 'Scars' by James Bay if you're interested
Admittedly this did spiral out of control a little and now it's hella long so although I've tried to proofread to the best of my ability there may still be mistakes because I'm a dumb fuck.
On a more important note, please do be careful reading this, it's kinda dark and I don't want to upset or trigger anyone with this. The main things to watch out for are self-harm and panic attacks so please stay safe. If you're still reading then I hope you enjoy and feel free to scream at me for this :))))
Asahi had always admired Kisumi's confidence.
Okay, maybe not always. He had to admit that in middle school when they had first met, the salmon haired boy had been insufferable with endless amounts of energy and unwavering confidence, however, when Asahi had found out he would be moving again, he had come to admire the certainty that Kisumi possessed.
As soon as he had told his newfound friends that he was leaving, Kisumi had been so sure, so unbelievably convinced that they would meet again. In fact, Kisumi hadn't even said goodbye to him, saying that a goodbye would make it permanent which he still insisted it wasn't.
And although at the time Asahi had scoffed, an equal mix of Kisumi's cheerfulness and his impending move making annoyance bubbled through his veins, Kisumi had been right.
They had stayed in contact through letters and eventually, once they were older, texts and phone calls and had somehow by some stroke of luck ended up applying for the same university.
Their relationship had been a rollercoaster of twists and turns so far and attending the same university had sent them down a corkscrew with no way back. Now, both nineteen years old, their entire dynamic had shifted in the blink of an eye as Asahi had blurted out a jumbled mess of feelings one day, the feelings being repeated back to him in the form of Kisumi's mouth pressing against his own.
And throughout it all, Asahi could honestly say that Kisumi hadn't changed much. Of course, he had grown, and a lot at that, he was no longer the cute innocent kid that Asahi had first met, he had lost the chubby cheeks and the childhood innocence, but his smile was still the same, he still had the same mischievous glint in his eyes and the deep-set dimples at the corners of his mouth.
And of course, he was still as confident as ever.
Asahi was sure it could be argued that he was even more confident if anything.
And Asahi still admired that confidence more than anything. Whilst he himself had been riddled with uncertainty and insecurity, Kisumi knew his worth. Kisumi knew his strengths and acknowledged his weaknesses, he could improvise when things didn't go quite right and people would assume he'd done exactly as he meant to.
Asahi wasn't like that.
He couldn't pick himself back up again as fast when his confidence had taken a blow. After the first time in middle school, it became a recurring event. Some days, his confidence was at its peak, days where he felt he could take on the world and some days it seemed as if everything was going wrong, and that it was all his fault that it was.
But he had learnt how to deal with it.
Or, mostly that was.
When it came to swimming or exams or just general everyday things, he had learnt how to motivate and encourage himself, changing his mindset so that everything didn't bother him quite so much. Although when it came to relationships, he wasn't as sure.
Being with Kisumi was new. Not only had they only spoken through letters and phone calls for years but there was also now the added factor of them dating.
But he was trying damn it.
And things had been going so well so far. Anytime Asahi would feel the twinge in his chest at the thought of Kisumi finding someone better, he'd scroll back through his phone or rummage around for old letters to remind himself that he was the one Kisumi had made an effort to stay in contact with. He was the one who Kisumi would message when he was sad or lonely which although didn't happen often, it was always Asahi that he contacted. And if he looked in the mirror and noticed something about his reflection that he didn't like, he would open up snapchat to see the saved conversations between them, filled with screenshot notifications after each photo and Kisumi's messages of 'I'm saving that one'. Even when he worried that he just wasn't enough, that he would never reach his goals and that he should give up, he remembered his final race in high school. He hadn't won, had barely even placed and yet Kisumi was there, in the crowd, cheering and waving with the biggest grin and although his performance had been terrible, things didn't seem quite as bad because Kisumi was there.
One thing he wasn't too good with, however, was dealing with these thoughts when he had other stresses in life.
And exam week was a big cause of his stress.
There was so much content to revise and practise questions to complete, all this and the work that was still being set meant that Asahi felt as if he was drowning in work. He had always gotten through school, but he wasn't naturally academic and he definitely wasn't all that organised so studying became a nightmare. He had already reduced his practice time to the bare minimum and had been visiting The Marron less and less to the point where he barely even saw his friends, only seeing Haru at practice and Kisumi on the rare occasion he tore himself away from studying.
It was already beginning to wear down on him and the exams weren't for another week and a half yet. He had found his performance during practice was slowly becoming worse and worse, his times getting longer second by second and it was beginning to feel as if every extra second was a weight placed onto his shoulders.
He was tired, dark circles having taken up permanent residence on his face, an ugly contrast which drew his eyes each and every time he passed the mirror but it wasn't like he had time to think about how he looked, as much as he hated what he saw right now.
Sometimes when he would finally clamber into bed after hours of studying, his sleep-deprived brain would provide some not so nice thoughts which haunted his dreams when exhaustion finally took over.
What if Kisumi was getting frustrated with him, after all, he only ever seemed to talk to his boyfriend when he was brushing off plans to do something.
What if Kisumi was realising how much better life was without him?
What if Kisumi had found someone else...?
Asahi shook his head, rolling onto his other side in a desperate attempt to find some comfortable position. It didn't work and instead, he found himself grabbing his phone, the light at the top of which was flashing signalling a new message.
Tapping in his password, he squinted at the bright screen, clicking on the message notification without even checking who it was.
Kisumi 00:35 am
I know you're still awake, you okay?
He let out a bittersweet laugh, almost choking on his own saliva.
Asahi 00:38 am
Of course, why wouldn't I be?
Clearly Kisumi had been waiting for his response because the next message came through not a minute later
Kisumi 00:38 am
Liar
You're going to burn yourself out like this
Asahi 00:39 am
Why would you ask me if you're going to accuse me of lying no matter what?
Kisumi 00:40 am
I gave you the chance to be honestยฏ\_(ใ)_/ยฏ
I'll meet you after you finish practice tomorrow yeah? We're going on a date
Asahi felt a strange lurching in his stomach as he read this, trying to shake the incessant thoughts that Kisumi had found someone else, Kisumi could do better, Kisumiwasgoingtobreakupwithhim...
Asahi 00:44 am
I don't even get a choice?
Kisumi 00:44 am
You'd say no
Cos' you're being stubborn
Now get some sleep, you better not still be studying
Asahi let his phone drop onto the pillow next to him, ignoring the way his lungs felt like they were constricting and the way his eyes felt like they were burning.
Maybe one day off from studying wouldn't hurt...
Not that he had much choice...
His eyes were begging him to close, each blink slower than the last as his brain finally shut up for the night, allowing him to relax and let sleep take over.
And although it was by no means a peaceful sleep, he was grateful regardless.
After dragging himself through another practice filled with gradually increasing times and worsening form, Asahi dragged himself to the changing rooms to shower and change, feeling more like a zombie with each passing minute.
Luckily, the showers could be temperamental at times and he was immediately assaulted with jets of freezing water, helping to wake him up slightly as he jumped to the side, gingerly reaching a hand out to test the water, finally stepping under the spray a couple of minutes later when it had warmed up. He absentmindedly went about his routine, washing the chlorine off his skin and hair before stepping out of the shower, roughly drying himself off and changing, barely even bothering to shake the water from his hair. It wasn't too cold outside after all so he should be okay.
Kisumi stood, leaning against the wall outside the changing rooms like he had said he would and as soon as he saw Asahi, he gave the warmest smile Asahi could imagine, lifting a hand to wave.
"Asahi! How was practice?"
They fell into step beside each other, Asahi still clueless as to where Kisumi was taking him but not having the energy to care all that much. He shrugged in response to Kisumi's question before adding
"Tiring, We've got relay exchanges to perfect but there's just no time,"
Kisumi hummed, nudging Asahi's shoulder with his own
"Exams won't last forever you know, give it a week and you can go back to practising every spare minute of the day,"
Although Asahi knew that Kisumi was joking, he could hear the teasing tone in his voice, he couldn't help but feel the stinging of insecurity in the back of his mind.
He was being stupid, Kisumi had made that much clear but what if it bothered him more than he let on. What if Kisumi was endlessly frustrated with Asahi's attitude?
His brain chose this moment to helpfully remind him that Kisumi could have anyone he ever wanted, could have anyone that wasn't Asahi...
And as much as he wanted to ignore the thought, it lingered even as he turned his attention back to Kisumi who must have asked him something if the expectant and...concerned? look was anything to go off.
He reached up to rub awkwardly at the back of his neck and gave a sheepish smile.
"Sorry, I zoned out a bit, what did you say?"
Kisumi fixed him with an analysing stare, trying to see through his facade.
"How does a walk along the beach sound?" Kisumi's lips twitched up at the corners into a small smile, seemingly not noticing anything wrong with Asahi.
Asahi nodded, giving his best attempt at a smile in return despite the swirling self-deprecating thoughts.
If he could just get through this date without raising too much suspicion, he could go back to his apartment and work through the mess that was his mind right now. There was no need to worry Kisumi with something as stupid as this.
"Sounds good," He added as an afterthought and Kisumi glanced at him with that same smile, somewhat lopsided and full of affection which made Asahi's heart wretch with guilt.
He needed to trust Kisumi. He wasn't the type to play with someone's feelings, contrary to popular belief about him being a tease, a flirt, a player, Kisumi always had been loyal down to a fault.
Kisumi had entwined their fingers together as he chatted about anything that came to mind helped to distract Asahi and between that and the cool wind blowing as they approached the seafront Asahi almost felt normal by the time they had both pulled their shoes off to walk along the pale yellow sand.
Almost. The insecurity lingered in the back of his mind like tar, a nagging feeling that he couldn't shake. But he was fine. He could pretend at least.
The beach was almost empty, with the weather being not exactly appropriate however a few students lingered nearby, some walking and chatting like themselves and some simply sitting and enjoying the rare peace and quiet. It was nice though, different from the bustling campus that Asahi had been confined to for the past week but it made a welcome change.
He actually felt okay, something that recently he had become unfamiliar with. Or at least, he did.
An uncomfortable feeling began rising in his chest when he heard a voice calling out Kisumi's name. A very obviously female voice. One which sounded way too excited to see him.
Asahi wanted to slap himself for that last thought, grimacing at the insecurity that clouded his thoughts and the jealousy that was trying it's hardest to claw its way up his throat.
"Ah, Miyu-chan!" Kisumi mirrored her enthusiasm, raising a hand to wave her over.
Asahi had to force himself not to chase the warmth of Kisumi's hand when it released his own, choking back his discontent as Kisumi greeted the girl, Miyu-chan, with a side hug.
Of course, he stayed quiet, not wanting to cause a scene because of some stupid jealousy, half paying attention as Kisumi caught up with his apparent old friend, the other half wallowing in his own thoughts despite how pathetic it felt.
An unhelpful part of his brain wondered if Kisumi was this friendly with everyone, after all, it almost seemed like the two of them were flirting, but he supposed, this was Kisumi he was talking about. Besides, he tried to tell himself that it was the tired, stressed, insecure part of his brain that was talking.
But it still hurt.
He couldn't get rid of the thought that Kisumi was capable of so much more, if only he wasn't being held back...
By the time he managed to snap his attention back to his boyfriend, he had missed more than half of the conversation, not that it mattered as one particular comment caught his attention.
"You should walk with us for a bit, it's been ages since we've talked," Kisumi's voice was as cheerful as ever, oblivious to Asahi's inner turmoil as his attention focussed on Miyu.
"Ah...Uh, if that's okay?" She glanced warily towards Asahi and Kisumi followed her gaze.
"You don't mind, do you Asahi?" Kisumi did seem somewhat unsure as he watched Asahi's expression for any small changes but the hopeful glint in his eyes remained.
Yes! Of course, I mind, his mind screamed at him, I know I can't even begin to compete with someone like her!
But of course, he couldn't say that.
"It's fine," He didn't have the energy to try and hide the frustration in his voice although he did feel guilt bubbling in his chest at the look on Kisumi's face when he snapped.
Miyu seemed to have picked up on his mood too and was now looking uncomfortable as they fell into step beside each other, continuing their conversation albeit a bit quieter than before as if trying not to aggravate Asahi further.
He hated it.
Hated how they were stepping on eggshells around him when he was fine.
As much as he hated initiating affection in public, Asahi reached out for Kisumi's hand, searching for something to ground himself, something, anything so that Kisumi remembered he was still there. He felt his world come crashing down around him however, when he reached out, only for his boyfriend to pull away in surprise, stopping walking and staring at Asahi with wide eyes.
"S-sorry, you surprised me," Kisumi stumbled over his words, Asahi staring back with equally wide eyes.
"Ah...Uh-No," Asahi could feel his heart lurch into his throat, nausea settling in the pit of his stomach as he struggled for something to say, anything to say.
He couldn't even keep his gaze locked on Kisumi, focussing on a rock, a nearby shell, a shop on the seafront, looking anywhere but at his boyfriend who's voice had faded into background noise as Asahi wracked his brain for a way to play this off.
Hands grabbed his shoulders, clearly trying to gain his attention and his eyes flicked up for the briefest moment to see Kisumi, looking concerned and confused and so vulnerable that Asahi hated himself for what he was about to do.
"Actually I don't feel too good," His words were cold, defensive, and clearly unexpected by Kisumi who didn't fight back as Asahi shrugged his hands off his shoulders.
"Asahi-"
"Don't," Asahi brushed off, purposely avoiding Kisumi's eyes, afraid to see the hurt there "I've got things to do anyway," He turned to leave, throwing one last comment over his shoulder, one made purely out of spite that he knew he would immediately regret "You'd have more fun with Miyu-chan anyway,"
As he tried to walk away, he felt Kisumi's hand shoot out to grab his wrist, spinning him to look at him once more.
"What is your problem Asahi?" Kisumi looked furious, something that admittedly made Asahi a bit nervous. Kisumi didn't get angry. When he did there was trouble.
"Kisumi, just drop it," Asahi's tone was curt but it didn't deter kisumi who stepped closer into his personal space
"Like hell I will,"
"I'm tired," Asahi shrugged weakly, the fight beginning to leave him
"So that excuses it?" Kisumi's expression was one of pure disbelief "You can't just be an ass to everyone and excuse it because you're tired. Maybe if you'd learn to look after yourself you wouldn't be too tired to spend time with your boyfriend,"
Asahi tried his best not to show how much Kisumi's words had affected him. Of course Kisumi wouldn't understand. Kisumi had always been able to absorb information like a sponge, no studying necessary. Asahi wasn't like that.
"Whatever," The redhead hadn't been lying, he was tired. And the fight was rapidly draining from his body, ripping his arm from Kisumi's grasp so he could start walking away. "I'm going home,"
Kisumi could only watch him walk away, jaw clenched harshly in frustration.
He knew if he went after Asahi he would say something he would come to regret but it was hard to just watch him leave, especially when Kisumi could clearly see that something was bothering his boyfriend.
He let out a sigh, turning back to Miyu who was standing awkwardly off to the side, trying not to get involved. Kisumi gave her a small smile, not putting all that much effort into it as he sighed.
"Maybe we should catch up some other time, yeah?" Kisumi suggested, to which she nodded quickly.
"Yeah, I'll text you. And Kisumi," He looked towards her for the first time since Asahi had left "I'm sorry, I hope I didn't do anything to cause this,"
"Don't be stupid," Kisumi managed to crack a small smile, this one more like his usual ones "You didn't do anything, Asahi's just being stubborn as usual,"
She said nothing but gave a small nod.
"I'm going to get going," Kisumi was struggling to keep up his usual happy facade which must have been more obvious than he thought as Miyu began walking away with one last parting comment.
"Don't worry about it too much Kisumi, I'm sure things will work out,"
Oh, how he wanted to believe her.
Kisumi had thought that things would blow over. He had been convinced that once Asahi had taken some time to calm down, he would reply to Kisumi's messages, maybe even ring so that they could just talk about this but it never happened.
Kisumi's phone remained silent no matter what he sent.
Even so, he continued trying to get ahold of his boyfriend, growing more distressed about the situation as the days went on.
It was clear to the others that something was wrong.
Despite Asahi's absence the past week, the rest of the group had continued to meet up every few days at The Marron, giving them the perfect chance to observe Kisumi's strange behaviour.
Or, well, stranger than usual that is.
And after three consecutive afternoons of Kisumi's moping and constant checking of his phone, each of them were beginning to lose patience.
Today, they had all agreed to meet and try to do some studying for the upcoming exams only, Kisumi hadn't so much as opened his book, let alone read a single sentence.
Ikuya was the first one to snap, sitting nearest to Kisumi had meant that he was distracted by the constant fidgeting, the sighing and dear god, he swore if Kisumi turned to look at the door once more he was going to be punched.
"Kisumi," He had practically hissed under his breath, said male taking no notice until Ikuya kicked him under the table, finally snapping him out of his daze.
He looked back to the table to find four pairs of eyes watching him with a range of emotions. Concern (Makoto, primarily), annoyance (Ikuya and Haru) and confusion (Hiyori).
"Sorry, sorry," Kisumi gave the most convincing smile he could, fumbling around to grab his pen and open his book "I'm just a bit distracted,"
The stares didn't let up in the slightest and Kisumi could feel himself beginning to crumble underneath the pressure.
"I uh...I'm just...worried about the exams I guess," It was as if their gazes were burning holes into his skin "Maybe I didn't sleep too well too?"
"Kisumi,"
"I should probably uh...start studying..."
"Kisumi,"
"Ah! I think I forgot something! I should go get it..."
"Kisumi just sit down and listen to us," Ikuya sighed, rubbing his temples in frustration
Losing his will to fight, Kisumi flopped back down, letting his head fall pathetically on top of his open book.
"Whatever happened with Asahi you can talk to us you know?" Makoto, ever the mother of the group began.
"Clearly it's bothering you and I mean, none of us have seen Asahi for over a week. Is it something serious?"
Kisumi groaned into his book, not knowing where to even begin
"He's been at practice," Haru interjected, grabbing Kisumi's attention.
Makoto jumped when Kisumi's head shot up to stare questioningly at Haru but Kisumi couldn't find it within himself to care.
"Is he alright? Has he said anything?"
Haru let out a sigh, knowing that Kisumi would be disappointed with his answer
"He's hardly spoken to me,"
The thud that came from Kisumi's head dropping back onto the table was loud enough to grab a few other customers attention and Makoto immediately moved to try and comfort the defeated male currently sprawled across the table.
"We fought," His voice was muffled by his book however, they all understood what he meant
"About?" Hiyori tried prompting. After all, there was no way they could help if they didn't even know what had happened.
"I don't know!" The whine seemed like an attempt to act normally however they could all hear the distress hidden in it.
"Kisumi," Makoto tried to gain his attention, earning the slightest shift to show he was listening "Have you tried talking to him?"
"He's not answering my texts or calls,"
"I know this isn't what you want to hear," Ikuya began "But shouldn't you just talk to him in person? He can't avoid you that way,"
There were hums of agreement around the table but Kisumi only whined again, this time louder.
"I don't even know what happened..." Kisumi's voice was quieter now, filled with emotions none of them had heard from him before. It was so different from his usual cheery tone that they may not have even recognised him had he not been sat in front of them.
"Surely you never will if you don't talk to him," Hiyori commented
Kisumi sighed finally lifting his head again to glare halfheartedly at his friends.
"Damn you all for being right," Seeing as it was now early evening, Kisumi figured that he could go now, after all, he wasn't going to get much studying done until this was resolved. He began packing up his things, not that he'd got much out in his pathetic attempt at studying.
"You're going now?" Makoto asked, sounding somewhat surprised. Kisumi only hummed in response and Makoto gave a reassuring smile "Let us know how it goes,"
"I will,"
With that, Kisumi slung his bag over his shoulder, giving a pathetic attempt at a wave as he headed for the door.
His idea to brainstorm what he was going to say went out of the window as soon as he exited the cafe, the noise from traffic and people walking overwhelming any coherent thoughts he had. He had to focus all his attention on where he was walking, avoiding business people who were late for meetings and small children out shopping with parents and before he knew it, he was stood outside Asahi's apartment, hand raised to knock on the door before a wave of panic washed over him.
What was he going to say?
He had been so caught up in just getting here that he hadn't considered his words in the slightest. And now he didn't have the time to.
His knuckles tingled uncomfortably when he knocked on the door with possibly a bit too much force and his legs felt close to collapsing as he waited with bated breath for Asahi to answer the door. It was as if he was stuck between wanting Asahi to open the door and wanting to turn and run and, as much as he'd rather run away and hide from his problems, he knew he couldn't. Not this time.
The sound of approaching footsteps interrupted his train of thought and Kisumi could have sworn he was close to breaking down then and there when he heard Asahi's voice, the redhead dressed in shorts and a tank top with his hair a mess from running.
"What are you doing here?"
Kisumi wanted nothing more than to pull Asahi into a crushing hug and sob into his shoulder that he was sorry, however, one glance at the redheads less than pleased facial expression told him that it would not be appreciated right now.
The thought was like a vice tightening around his heart, slowly crushing it the longer he stumbled over his own thoughts.
"You...You haven't answered any of my texts..." A pathetic way to start really and Kisumi mentally kicked himself for his lack of thought over what he would say.
"Yeah," The tone of Asahi's voice sent chills down Kisumi's spine, the sheer emotionlessness of it shooting straight into his heart.
"Look Asahi...Whatever happened the other day, I'm sorry...I can't help if I don't know what's wrong though,"
This was just getting better and better...
Asahi let out what sounded like a growl, stepping closer into Kisumi's personal space looking downright furious.
"Don't apologise if you don't even know what you're apologising for..."
"I'm sor-"
"I said don't!" Asahi's eyes were filled with anger and hurt and vulnerability and Kisumi couldn't stop the hitching of his breath as he realised just how much whatever this was had been bothering Asahi.
But there was also an undertone of frustration. Kisumi had tried and tried time and time again to think of what could have hurt or upset Asahi, each time coming back empty. And when he had finally ran through every possible idea, he had texted and called and practically begged Asahi to tell him what was wrong, only to be ignored.
And now Asahi was criticising him for not being able to read his damn mind?
"Then tell me what's wrong!" Kisumi hadn't meant to let his anger slip into his voice but now that he had started he couldn't find it in himself to backtrack "I'm not a mind reader Asahi, I tried and tried to work out what went wrong the other day and I just can't-" The break in his voice seemed to startle Asahi out of his daze somewhat, the anger clearing somewhat only for his expression to turn cold and emotionless a moment later.
"And how am I supposed to do that when you're constantly flirting with random girls?"
Kisumi's entire body felt numb.
"Asahi-I..."
"Save it," Asahi snapped, tearing his gaze away from the frankly heartbreaking expression on Kisumi's face "I know you're going to say I'm jealous for no reason but look at you Kisumi, look at the way you act. Have you ever stopped to think just how much you flirt with everyone? And how much everyone flirts back?" Kisumi's hands were shaking, from frustration or hurt he wasn't sure but Asahi didn't seem to notice "It fucking hurts Kisumi, to know that you could leave me for anyone you want," Asahi's voice broke and he moved to step past Kisumi, slipping the key into the lock and turning it, not even glancing over his shoulder "I think we should spend some time apart. I need to clear my head and remember why I deal with this," With that, Asahi slipped inside his apartment, leaving Kisumi stood, shaking with heavy breaths wracking his body.
Once inside, Asahi stumbled forwards against the wall, unable to keep his emotions in check for a minute longer. Heaving in a heavy breath, he thought over what had just happened and what he had said, releasing the breath again shakily, fist clenching against the wall.
He had fucked up big time.
The strange tightness that had been gripping his chest since he and Kisumi first fought was beginning to get overwhelming. As if something was wrapped tightly around his lungs refusing to let go even for a moment. No matter how hard he tried to suck in a deep breath, he just couldn't. And the tightness developing in his throat wasn't helping much, it was as if he couldn't get the air past the imaginary block no matter how many breaths he tried to take in. One of his hands had come to rest on his neck involuntarily, clawing desperately at the skin there as if it would help at all.
To no surprise it didn't help, only making him aware of his racing pulse in the side of his neck.
He briefly wondered whether Kisumi was still outside and if he would know how to help because at this point he was convinced that he must be dying. Not that he could have asked for help in his current state.
He tried to move his legs but it seemed his body had become unresponsive, strange tingling flooding each of his limbs, rendering them absolutely useless for anything. Even when he managed to take a step, his knees faltered and dizziness washed over him, sending him crashing to the floor.
Now it was not only as if something was wrapping around his lungs, it felt like it was barbed wire, digging and cutting into him with no mercy and it hurt.
There was a morbid part of his brain that found solace in the pain, with it being a welcome break from the emotional pain of just never being enough but the thought was muffled, almost fuzzy, like TV static was filling his brain.
A frantic glance around told him it wasn't just his brain that felt that way. He could see his hands trembling, could feel the cold clamminess of the appendages as they shook like leaves in the wind. Even his face was beginning to feel numb with the lack of oxygen getting to his brain.
He truly did wonder if this was how it ended. Would his last conversation with kisumi be an argument? A stupid, pathetic argument? Would he have spent his last week studying to no end for an exam he won't even sit?
Time seemed to have slowed down and it felt like he sat, curled on the floor for hours, heaving in aborted breaths with silent tears escaping him. He couldn't feel any of his limbs and suspected if he had even tried to move he would have fallen straight back down.
He didn't know what was happening to him and could only hope that whatever it was would either end or kill him quickly only, life wasn't that easy.
It was truly agonising as he struggled with all his might to just breathe. It shouldn't be that hard, after all, it was something he'd done since he was born.
But he felt powerless to do anything.
It seemed like whichever god was out there had decided to take pity on him as his exhaustion finally began to get the better of him, the panic finally seeming to subside slightly, leaving behind tingling limbs a weariness that he didn't think he'd be able to shake anytime soon.
He somehow managed to drag himself up out of the hallway and into his bedroom, collapsing onto his bed. He felt completely and utterly numb. The only thing he was aware of was the tingling in his limbs and the heaviness of his eyes, it was as if he had forgotten all about arguing with Kisumi.
Deep down though, he knew that he would come to regret his words. Words that he had spoken out of anger and frustration, words that he didn't actually mean, words that had hurt kisumi.
But for now, his eyes slipped closed, pulling him into a sleep somehow even more restless than the previous few nights.
Kisumi could only stand and stare at Asahi's front door, suddenly unsteady on his feet as everything came crashing down on him.
I think we should spend some time apart...
He had to remind himself to breathe, forcing in a deep shuddering breath, being interrupted by a sad hiccup.
Feeling wetness on his arm, he reached a hand up to his face, only now noticing the tears that had begun to fall without him even realising it and roughly wiped at his eyes.
Without thinking, he began walking back the way he came, not aiming for anywhere in particular, instead just walking for the sake of walking. He didn't quite want to go back to his own apartment and be completely alone with his thoughts, however, he also didn't want to go back to The Marron and have to face the others in this state.
Kisumi still wasn't even sure what was wrong but at this point, his brain hurt too much with the overwhelming feelings coursing through him that he couldn't think rationally. It hurt that Asahi wouldn't even give him the chance to try and fix things. Surely he couldn't have messed up that much? Right?
He couldn't hold back the quiet sob that escaped him and simply hoped that the people walking past him didn't hear.
How pathetic could he possibly get?
Unable to hold back the tears threatening to escape any longer, Kisumi turned on his heel, setting off running towards his apartment.
By the time he got there, he was heaving for air, having ran the entire way without a break and he could feel the tightness in his throat from holding back tears.
After struggling with the door for a moment, he managed to push it open, stumbling inside with a heaving breath. He remembered telling Makoto that he would message after talking to Asahi but he couldn't bring himself to even look at his phone.
Besides, if he unlocked his phone, he just knew that he would be tempted to message Asahi. And that was probably the last thing he should do right now.
Instead, he decided to go for a shower, figuring that maybe if he pretended to be alright, maybe things would work out. Or at least, he could make his other friends believe that things had worked out. After all, he didn't want to worry them any more than he already had, especially when he had no idea what was even wrong with Asahi.
And if he sat for much longer than necessary on the floor underneath the spray from the shower, trying to pretend that the droplets rolling down his face weren't tears, that was nobody's business.
Regardless of what was happening in their personal lives, exam week was next week. There was no escaping it, either you sat the exams or you failed. Although Kisumi had already predicted that he may fail even if he did sit the exams. His mind was too much of a mess to properly recall any of the information he needed, was too much of a mess to even sleep properly let alone pass an exam.
The days were dragging and blurring together into one big chunk of emptiness for Kisumi, he didn't know what to do.
He had never been good with feeling sad. He didn't like the heaviness that weighed on his chest and the disinterest that filled him despite peoples attempts to cheer him up, it was much easier to force a smile onto his face, pushing the negative feelings deep down inside to try and forget them. And it worked, most of the time at least. Although every now and then, he would get the overwhelming urge to curl into a ball and cry until he passed out from exhaustion, he found he could usually push those feelings down too albeit with a bit more effort and a more carefully constructed smile.
Everything seemed much harder now.
It was hard to repress the feelings of nothing. The feeling of emptiness that was almost suffocating him. Each breath he dragged in made his chest ache uncomfortably as if he wasn't getting enough oxygen despite the fact that he was definitely still breathing.
It hurt more that he knew the reason why he was feeling this way.
He knew that Asahi was hurting too and no matter how hard or how long he thought about it, he couldn't understand what had gone wrong.
And he couldn't help.
He knew that Asahi had always had his insecurities and although Kisumi would never admit it out loud, he had his own too and this situation was hitting a bit too close for comfort.
If he couldn't even help his boyfriend, his best friend then what else was he really good for?
He supposed maybe it had been part of the reason he had struggled so hard to be happy. For others' sake.
If he was unhappy, he couldn't help make anyone happy, or so he thought.
The feeling of hopelessness had made him want nothing more than to stay curled in the cave of warmth he had made in bed but the looming exams and essay deadlines wrenched him from his pity party, throwing him headfirst into a spiral of sadness and confusion.
How was he supposed to write an essay or exam that made sense when the only thing he thought he had understood was a lie?
If he couldn't even understand how Asahi was feeling how was he supposed to write a ten-page essay analysing a book which he hadn't even studied properly?
He kept trying to tell himself that it couldn't go as bad as if he was to not show up. It didn't help much.
If he had thought his nerves before exams in high school were bad, he would now describe them as horrendous.
He had seen people have full-blown panic attacks whilst waiting to enter the exam hall and had always tried his best to help but he had never been in the situation himself.
Until now.
Between the lack of sleep (Both from last-minute studying and minor breakdowns), a pounding headache from all the crying he had done recently and the general fear of failure mixed with sickening emptiness, he predicted he would have felt better if he'd have been hit by a car.
But it was too late to turn back now.
The worst-case scenario, he would have to leave the exam hall to break down somewhere where he wouldn't disturb other students, no big deal right?
Wrong.
As soon as he reached his seat, he felt the burning in his eyes, whether from frustration or literally everything else happening in his life right now he couldn't tell.
Even so, he had to wait at least a little while before claiming he was sick and leaving.
He almost missed the call to start the exam with how dazed and out of it he felt, only realising when he heard the flipping of pages from people opening the question papers.
As it turns out, it was fairly easy to lie his way through the paper, with the help of some vague knowledge of the plot and characters and a couple of quotes he had learnt months ago, he managed to get through the first quarter of his essay.
It was all going shockingly well for just a moment before everything came crashing down around him.
He moved to flip the page over, catching his finger with the edge of the paper and immediately feeling the sting from the paper cut. He almost cursed to himself but was stopped when he remembered where he was. His focus had completely gone out of the window, breath pausing for a moment and eyes fixing on the tiniest red line forming on his hand.
His mind had stopped racing, thoughts of Asahi gone, instead, he was hyper-focussed on the sting from the shallow cut and he could feel his mind creeping into dangerous territory.
The calm that washed over him at that moment was something completely new and he found himself dropping his pen, instead reaching to squeeze where the cut lay. There wasn't much blood but as he squeezed and poked at it, the stinging increased.
It was sort of...nice. His thoughts were much calmer now and he almost wanted to slip and cut his fingers again before he shook his head to rid himself of the thought.
He couldn't.
He wouldn't.
Somehow he managed to sit through the rest of the exam, not that he got much more of his essay written and by the end he was practically shaking in his seat waiting to be dismissed.
As soon as he was allowed to leave, he could return to his apartment to carry on moping to himself.
Upon hearing the examiners dismissal, he practically shot from his seat, speed walking out of the hall to grab his bag and leave, not even bothering to talk to any of his classmates which, he knew he may come to regret, after all, they didn't do anything wrong but he couldn't find it in himself to care too much.
It was only once he had shut his front door behind him that he let out a long breath he didn't know he had been holding.
There was an equal mix of relief and horror at being alone finally, sending his brain spiralling into a heated debate. Whilst the small sting from the paper cut had helped to clear his thoughts, he knew realistically, he shouldn't.
Of course, he knew what self-harming was but he had never expected himself to consider it, had never even met anyone who had, or not that he knew of.
But, he supposed if he only did it once, it wouldn't count right?
It may only be a temporary solution but until he could work out the tangled mess that was his brain, he couldn't see a problem with it.
He just had to make sure not to make a habit of it.
The feeling of calm that was now washing over him should have been scary. It shouldn't have been reassuring how the thought of cutting himself helped calm the storm inside his brain but it felt nice. He couldn't bring himself to hate it of this was how it would make him feel.
He couldn't even hear his own footsteps over the fuzziness of his brain as he made his way towards the kitchen, almost in a daze as he pulled open one of the drawers to rummage around for a small kitchen knife.
A bitter, sadistic laugh forced it's way up his throat as he stared at the smooth edge of the knife, unable to help the grimace that graced his face as he saw how his knuckled had turned white clenching the handle.
Okay so a kitchen knife wasn't exactly the conventional method of doing this but seeing as he didn't plan to do it again, there wasn't much use in searching for something more...appropriate.
It was a one-time thing. Just to give him temporary relief until he could sort through things and get back to normal.
That was all.
With that thought lingering in his head, he headed to his bedroom, legs moving on their own accord as he moved to sit on the edge of his bed, placing the knife within arms reach before shrugging his hoodie off and throwing it into some corner of the room. He reached for the knife with a shaky hand, glancing down at it with another wary smile before placing the tip of the blade against his wrist.
Another shaky exhale and he let the blade drag across his skin, waiting, bracing for the pain that didn't come. Left behind was a mere scratch from the blade, no stinging, no calm washing over him.
Gritting his teeth, he shifted the blade up his arm slightly, this time applying more pressure as he dragged it down, breaking the skin and almost sighing in relief from the feeling.
He was starting to see why people saw this as an outlet. it had definitely helped to distract his thoughts from Asahi, from exams, only the pain remained as he repeated the action, settling on doing this two more times just to be sure.
If he did any more, he was worried it could become too addictive, a habit.
When he saw thew three lines staring back at him, he jerked away, accidentally throwing the knife away in his surprise as he stared between his wrist and the knife now lying discarded on his bedroom floor.
The heavy breath he took in felt like it did nothing. As if there wasn't enough oxygen in the room but he took a minute to compose himself, reminding himself that it was okay. This was a one-time thing.
And when the screaming in his mind had quietened down a little, he found himself relishing in the stinging coming from the thin lines, now beading with blood. He pressed his finger into one of them, hissing quietly at the feeling before letting himself flop back onto his bed, a sigh escaping him.
Sleep beckoned him and although logically he knew that he should clean and bandage the red marks marring his arm, he knew he should pick the knife up and wash it, he knew he should revise for his second exam tomorrow.
He didn't do any of those things, shedding his t-shirt and jeans before shuffling further up his bed to climb under the covers.
Before he knew it, his eyes were slipping closed, tiredness taking over with ease after days of sleepless nights.
The temporary relief he felt turned out to be just that. Temporary. After all things always get worse before they get better. Kisumi just hadn't imagined how much worse.
The emptiness had returned by the time he was waiting for his next exam. Today, instead of feeling the overwhelming nerves he had the previous day and instead of his usual slight uncertainty and worry that he didn't know the material, the pit in his stomach had seemingly swallowed all emotions other than apathy.
At least he could say he felt better than yesterday.
Although he still struggled through the exam, not knowing nearly enough to do a good job of answering the questions, he was able to push down his sadness by simply poking or pressing on the cuts on his arm which, he had now bandaged with a quiet curse directed towards his past self.
Overall, he felt...okay. Even as they approached the end of the exam, he was coping well, minus the stinging in his wrist. Everything was going almost too well.
He waited for the examiner to dismiss them and immediately felt his heart lurch into his throat as he stood up. He knew something was wrong as soon as he began walking towards the door, dizziness washing over him, not helped by the seemingly fluctuating temperature of the room.
One moment, he wanted to peel the hoodie off his skin and the next, he wished he could curl into himself for warmth.
Although he didn't know quite what was wrong, he had the horrible realisation that this probably wasn't good. Whatever was happening, he wasn't about to make a scene in the middle of the exam hall, forcing his uncooperative legs to move faster until he was out of the door.
His heart was thudding almost painfully in his chest as he grabbed his bag and rushed outside. He needed air.
Outside however wasn't any better, one minute he was burning up, the next he was freezing. His mind was spinning in circles and his heart was trying to force it's way out of his chest and he just wanted to feel okay again.
Leaning against the wall, he tried blinking a couple of times to clear the spots forming on the corners of his vision, barely even hearing the concerned questions from his classmates who were beginning to crowd around him.
Trying to shake his head to dismiss their worry turned out to be a bad idea as his vision blacked out for a moment, the noise fading until he managed to blink his eyes open again, finding himself slumped on the floor against the wall with a mix of concerned and confused faces surrounding him.
Not that he'd be able to clarify anything considering his own confusion...
"Kisumi-kun?"
Someone was speaking but Kisumi couldn't seem to focus on it as something else caught his attention. Or rather someone.
The messy red hair was distinctive enough that Kisumi could spot it from a mile off and he felt his heart stop at the sight.
Asahi.
Worse still was when the redhead glanced over at the small crowd gathered around him, confusion clear on the face that Kisumi loved so much. Their eyes met for the briefest second, locking on each other with wide eyes before Asahi tore his gaze away, ripping Kisumi's heart out in the process, leaving him breathing heavily, heart clenching painfully.
"Hey! Kisumi-kun?" Another voice called, clearer now and Kisumi turned to face his classmates.
"Hm?" He moved to stand up only to feel a hand on his shoulder stopping him.
"Don't stand up just yet," The first voice again, he thought "Do you feel dizzy or anything?"
He shook his head in confusion, turning when he heard footsteps approaching, seeing another classmate returning, crouching next to him with the others and thrusting something into his hands.
"Here, drink this,"
He looked around in confusion, a question burning at the back of his mind.
"Why are you all so worried? I'm okay,"
The silence hung in the air for a moment before being broken.
"You blacked out for a minute,"
"Oh,"
Unsure what to do with this information, Kisumi sipped the water he had been given, if only to relieve the stern look he was being fixed with. At least his classmates were providing a welcome distraction from Asahi.
For now anyway...
"I appreciate it but I'm okay," Kisumi gave what he hoped was a convincing smile, receiving varying looks of both belief and disbelief. He moved to stand up again, not being stopped this time, instead just being accompanied by his classmates, prepared in case anything happened.
"Are you sure?" Kisumi had never been more sure of anything in his life "Do you want one of us to walk with you?"
"I'll be okay, I promise," Kisumi assured (Lied) "Thank you though, I appreciate it. I'm just a bit tired so I'll go home and rest," Lies, it was all lies.
"If you're sure,"
He nodded and, with one last smile to reassure them, he began walking.
He was actually being honest for once when he told them he was okay. The uncomfortable pounding of his heart had disappeared and it seemed like the temperature had evened out now, no longer fluctuating rapidly. If he ignored his less than perfect mental state, he felt alright. Normal.
But then his mind dragged him back to the reality that Asahi was there. Asahi had walked straight past him with barely even a glance in his direction. And he would be lying through his teeth if he tried to play off how much it hurt. As if Asahi had walked right over and ripped his heart from his chest without mercy or remorse.
Maybe things were beyond repair, maybe Asahi had finally gotten sick of him pretending to be okay, maybe this was truly the end.
With that thought, Kisumi immediately moved to dig his nails into his arm, feeling the skin breaking open again even through his hoodie and the bandages wrapped around his arm.
It hurt. Everything just hurt.
Not being around Asahi hurt, knowing that he had done something to hurt his boyfriend hurt, seeing Asahi ignore him hurt. It was like a tidal wave of suffering and he was slowly being washed away to sea.
And he knew he wasn't strong enough to swim back to shore.
Asahi had made a lot of mistakes in his life. Everything from overtraining to forgetting about upcoming exams to falling out with people only trying to help him. And he knew that most of these mistakes were his own fault. Especially now, he knew he only had himself to blame for the way his heart twisted painfully seeing Kisumi.
He had looked so tired, so defeated but there had still been that same spark of hope there. Asahi knew it must have disappeared as soon as he ignored him.
It was one thing to know that you were the one in the wrong however, it was another thing to admit it and apologise for it, which was exactly what Asahi had found himself struggling with over the past few days.
At first, he had tried to reason with himself over the way he had acted, after their failed 'date'. Surely Kisumi must have been able to work out what was wrong, surely it must have been obvious, surely Asahi wouldn't have to spell it out for him, however, now, Kisumi's words rung in his head, echoing all day long, almost enough to drive him insane.
"I'm not a mind reader,"
And he was right. Asahi had been stupid to think otherwise. After the initial adrenaline from their argument had worn off, it was those words that had acted as a punch to the gut for Asahi, forcing him to face his own actions and realise what he had done.
He needed to talk to Kisumi about this.
Even with this knowledge, however, it wasn't so easy to simply suck up his pride and approach his boyfriend.
Did he even get the right to call him that right now?
Even today when Kisumi had clearly been struggling, when they both needed each other, he had chosen the cowardly route of running away.
His anger had taken a turn, now directed towards himself and worse still, he knew that he deserved it.
And as much as he valued his pride, he knew that this time, he would have to push it aside. Kisumi was more important after all.
With that thought lingering in his mind, he resolved to visit Kisumi tomorrow, having checked when Kisumi's exams were to see when he was free despite everything.
He was going to fix this. He just wasn't sure how.
By the time Kisumi reached his apartment, he was breathing heavily, trying to hold back the ugly sobs that would no doubt come along with the tears burning his eyes and as soon as the door closed behind him, perhaps a little too harshly, they fell, dripping onto his shirt and the floor.
And as much as he had told himself that he wouldn't, couldn't make a habit of it, he still found himself heading to his bedroom where the knife he had used last night still lay.
This time, he headed to the bathroom, placing the knife on the edge of the sink as he turned the shower on and stripped off his clothes, haphazardly pulling off the bandages on his arm. Steam immediately filled the room from the almost scalding water and he stepped underneath the spray, hissing at the burning feeling for a moment before turning his attention to the knife glinting in the afternoon sunlight.
With a shaky breath, he glanced down at the three red lines gracing his inner wrist, filled with equal parts disgust and fascination. The newly formed scab on the one closest to his hand had cracked open, small beads of blood forcing their way through the cracks which he presumed were from his scratching and poking at them all day. With a quick shake of his head, he grabbed the handle of the knife, hands much steadier this time around as he raised it so that the blade rested further up his arm. He had been risking it with the previous ones with how close they were to his hand, they would be fairly hard to hide underneath his sleeves without bandages underneath, this time however, he had learnt from his past mistakes.
This time, he knew exactly how much pressure to use, creating another clean line just above his elbow.
There was a voice in his head screaming at him to stop, to put the knife down and call someone instead. Makoto, Ikuya, even Haru despite his clear dislike for him but he just couldn't. He hadn't spoken to any of them since he and Asahi had argued, had ignored the texts and phone calls when they came and at this point he wasn't sure how he would even explain everything.
And there would definitely be questions. Why had he done it, was he okay, was he going to do it again? He wasn't sure he could answer any of those honestly.
So he continued, making another three lines on his arm before letting the knife clatter to the floor, narrowly avoiding his foot as he let the boiling water wash over the open wounds. The heat made it hurt more and he almost laughed at how everything had escalated over the past few days. He would have if he wasn't so disappointed in himself.
Disappointment was a bitter feeling. Kisumi didn't like it one bit, it filled his mouth with the taste of bile and made his hands and feet feel too cold. Suddenly he didn't care all that much about showering.
The same empty feeling had returned, his feelings back in check and suddenly the scalding water felt cold. With a shudder, he turned the water off, stepping over the knife and out of the shower, grabbing a towel and wrapping it around himself, dabbing his arm dry before they had the chance to start bleeding again.
After drying the rest of his body off, he rummaged around in the mirrored cupboard above the sink for the small first aid kit he kept in there, finding what he was looking for and closing the door so he could wrap his arms.
With some difficulty, he managed to wrap the bandages somewhat securely around his upper forearm, figuring that the older ones would be okay now that they had scabbed over, as he secured the end of the bandage. As he moved to put the rest of the supplies away, he caught sight of his reflection, taking note of the puffiness of his face and the red around his eyes. He had always known that he was an ugly crier however, paired with his recent lack of sleep and general disregard for his health, he wasn't sure he had ever looked worse.
It wasn't like he could really find it in himself to care...
With a sigh., he headed back to his bedroom, flopping down on his back to stare at the ceiling. Part of him knew he should at least try to do something, anything. He hadn't even eaten properly recently and he knew he could do with eating a proper meal but he couldn't bring himself to tear his gaze away from the faint brush strokes from where the ceiling had been painted. If he was lucky, maybe he would fall asleep soon, if only to pass some time.
A quick look around his apartment would tell anyone that he had plenty of things to do. It was a mess, having not been properly cleaned or tidied in over a week but what was the point if no one would be coming round any time soon?
There was a small sense of guilt in the back of his mind telling him that he should be doing something, anything other than lying around moping but a quick pinch to his bandaged wrist helped to distract him.
He rolled onto his side, letting his eyes slip closed despite it still being early. He didn't want to feel things anymore and sleep was the easiest way to achieve his wish. Besides, he supposed he could probably do with the extra rest.
He had never felt so happy to feel sleep overtaking him.
Asahi knew that maybe he should have thought out what he was going to say to Kisumi. He knew that winging it could end terribly and that if he said even one thing wrong it may ruin their relationship for good however, he was filled to the brim with anticipation and anxiety. So much so that he had barely been able to sleep the previous night, tossing and turning and just wishing that he could call Kisumi and talk to him until they both fell asleep like they had done so many times before.
He knew that would only make it worse. This wasn't something they should talk out over the phone and he knew that. He had to wait.
It didn't make him any less impatient though.
When he finally did deem it an acceptable time to show up at Kisumi's apartment, he was so worked up that he couldn't focus on what he planned to say even if he tried. His mind was a jumbled mess even as he knocked on the door, only able to distinguish one key goal. Make up with Kisumi.
He really didn't know if he could take this much longer, especially not when he had seen how broken Kisumi had seemed the previous day.
So here he stood, fist raised to Kisumi's door, hoping desperately that Kisumi wouldn't slam the door in his face, not that he didn't deserve it.
After all, he had done the exact same thing to Kisumi.
He waited after knocking, trying to listen for footsteps or any indication that Kisumi was even home. He wasn't willing to give up so easily, preparing to knock again in case Kisumi hadn't heard him when the door opened. Seeing Kisumi this close up helped to settle something in Asahi's chest which had been stirring uncomfortably for the past week or so and he breathed out a sigh of relief, acting completely on instinct with barely any thought of the consequences as he stumbled forwards to press his lips to Kisumi's.
Kisumi, seemingly still half asleep blinked confusedly, hands reaching up to push weakly at Asahi's chest, only to be stopped by him taking his hands in his own, pressing him back against the wall and pinning his hands either side of his head.
A couple more blinks and Kisumi became more and more aware of the current situation, became more aware that Asahi was here and Asahi was kissing him and Asahi was pinning him against the wall. Usually, that would be a thought that excited him but this time, he was filled with dread. Cold tendrils of fear that crept up, wrapping around his legs and constricting, forcing him to stay where he was.
He was confused. So, so confused. After everything that had happened and Asahi showed up and kissed him?
Not only that but he was holding Kisumi's arms. His arms which were marred with a total of seven lines inflicted by himself which he hadn't intended for anyone, let alone Asahi to see. He struggled more against Asahi's hold, the fear becoming almost paralysing as he felt the sleeves of his hoodie inching up his arms.
Asahiwasgoingtoseehehadtostophimnow...
He couldn't breathe and it was nothing to do with Asahi kissing him. The silent tears had already begun falling without him knowing, he was just so scared. Seconds felt like minutes and he barely even realised how badly he was shaking with the thoughts racing through his head until finally, he turned his head to the side, breaking the kiss and gaining Asahi's attention.
The first thing the redhead noticed was the tears, then the heaving breaths, then the shaking. Guilt gripped his heart like a vice and he immediately released Kisumi's wrists, eyes widening as he caught sight of the red marring otherwise pale skin. Kisumi would have collapsed to the ground with how badly his legs were trembling if it hadn't been for Asahi reaching to wrap his arms around him, lowering them both gently to the ground after kicking the door closed.
"Fuck, Kisumi-I-" Asahi was struggling not to panic himself. Not only had he never seen Kisumi in a state like this, knowing he was the cause of it was enough to pull at his heartstrings. He knew that there was no use in apologising whilst Kisumi was struggling to breathe, wet sobs and hiccups interrupting any deep breaths he tried to take, instead wracking his mind for how he could calm him down. "Shhh, it's going to be okay," Asahi mentally kicked himself for the sheer stupidity of that comment.
Taking in what he hoped was a steady breath, he shuffled them around slightly so that Kisumi was more or less sat in his lap, rocking them gently with the hope that the repetitive motion would help.
"Kisumi, can you try breathing with me?" Asahi tried, rubbing up and down Kisumi's back. He received nothing but a choked sob in response, forcing himself to stay calm. He had to be strong for Kisumi. He had to fix this.
One hand reached up from where it lay on Kisumi's back, running through his hair gently, untangling the pink strands anytime he reached a knot, knowing how the action usually helped to relax Kisumi.
It seemed to have the opposite effect this time however as Kisumi hiccuped, crying harder as he tried to push away from Asahi.
"Kisumi, wait-" Asahi tried but he had already stood up, stumbling on shaky legs towards the bathroom where he dropped down hard onto his knees, immediately hunching over the toilet throwing up what little he had eaten the previous day. Asahi had followed at a distance, moving to crouch behind Kisumi when he saw this, rubbing his back again and whispering quietly, comfortingly.
The next few minutes were filled with Kisumi dry heaving, having emptied his stomach already but seemingly unable to stop coughing and spluttering in his panicked haze.
The sob that he released when he finally sat back on his heels was pitiful but much to Asahi's relief, he seemed a least a bit calmer, still breathing heavily and shaking but he seemed somewhat aware of his surroundings now. He looked to Asahi, eyes red and puffy, tears still falling but this time he acknowledged him, a quiet hiccup interrupting his now calmer breathing.
"Asahi-" Kisumi's voice was barely a whisper "Why?"
Asahi took a deep breath, holding his arms out for Kisumi who shuffled closer hesitantly, letting Asahi envelop him in a tight hug.
"I was in the wrong, the other week," The redhead began as they settled themselves on Kisumi's bathroom floor. In any other situation, he would have laughed at the absurdity of it but there were more pressing matters right now. "You were right, I was working too hard, I got frustrated and let my insecurities get the better of me. Even though I knew you'd gone out of your way to try and cheer me up. I was jealous of...Miyu-chan?" He hoped he'd at least gotten the right name, laughing at his own stupidity "I don't even know her and yet I was jealous when I should have trusted you,"
Kisumi's breathing seemed back to normal now and Asahi had reached up to stroke through his hair once more.
"And then instead of talking to you like any sensible person would do I ignored and blamed you for something you knew nothing about," Kisumi could hear the guilt in Asahi's voice and wanted to move to protest, lifting his head weakly from where it was resting on Asahi's shoulder.
"I should have-"
"No," Asahi immediately cut him off "You shouldn't have to analyse my behaviour to find out what's wrong. That's on me for not communicating," Kisumi's eyes still glistened with tears as he stared wide-eyed at Asahi
"And I know that your method's of dealing with emotions aren't great too so I should have been there for you," He paused, reaching down to take Kisumi's left hand, the latter of the two freezing as he realised what this meant.
Asahi had seen.
"You've never-" Asahi took in a sharp breath "You've never done this before, have you?" From the pain in his voice, it was clear that he already knew the answer. Even so, Kisumi shook his head ever so slightly, avoiding Asahi's eyes.
"God-Kisumi, I am so fucking sorry," Asahi's voice was tight "I swear I'm never going to let this happen again. I'm never going to give you another reason to hurt because of me," Kisumi held him tighter as he added on a quiet "If you'll still have me?"
"Dumbass," Kisumi mumbled against his shoulder and Asahi could feel the wetness of his shoulder from his tears. "I...I didn't intend to do it again," But he had failed "I-knew that it wasn't a good idea it just..." He hiccuped quietly, voice near a whisper "It hurt so much,"
Kisumi was shocked when he felt something drip onto his shoulder, glancing up to see silent tears falling from Asahi's own eyes. Their eyes locked for a moment and it seemed as if understanding had settled between them.
"Let me try and make it up to you?" Asahi asked "I know I can't make it better, not immediately. If I could I would in a heartbeat but..." He squeezed Kisumi's hand ever so gently "You mean so much to me, so I want to grow to be someone you can rely on, someone whos's there no matter what. You've always done so much to show me how much you love me so I'm going to try ten times harder to show you too,"
When he heard a quiet sob from Kisumi, he almost worried that he had said the wrong thing however, Kisumi's hand only gripped his shirt tighter.
"Asa-hi," A hiccup had interrupted him but Kisumi didn't seem to mind, lifting his head only to slam his lips into Asahi's. They kissed for what felt like an eternity, lungs burning for breath until the need for oxygen grew too great and they had to separate.
Instead, Kisumi moved to press their foreheads together, the tears clinging to his eyelashes glinting in the midday sunlight.
"I missed you," Kisumi whispered, managing to hold back a sad hiccup, letting his tears fall silently. He felt exhausted all of a sudden despite the fact that he had slept for close to thirteen hours the previous night.
Asahi held him tighter, repeating the words back to him, voice strained as he tried to get himself together.
"I missed you so much...I wanted nothing more than to apologise and sort this out but I was too stuck up my own ass, I'm so sorry Kisumi,"
"I know..."
Silence settled between them for a moment as they both tried to get a hold on their overwhelming feelings before a long yawn escaped kisumi's mouth.
"Tired?" Asahi asked, a fond smile practically plastered on his face. Kisumi nodded against Asahi's shoulder "I'm not surprised. Come here," He shifted Kisumi to hold him almost like a baby, one arm around his back and one underneath his knees and moved to stand up, fully expecting the surprised squeak he received from Kisumi.
"A-Asahi!" Kisumi was fully expecting Asahi to drop him, after all, he wasn't exactly small and although Asahi was strong, Kisumi doubted his ability to carry him too far, however, much to his surprise, Asahi got them to his bedroom with little trouble, dropping Kisumi on the bed and laughing as he bounced awkwardly.
"Sorry, I couldn't help it,"
Kisumi was laughing and Asahi honestly didn't think he had ever seen a greater sight, determined to continue seeing that smile. He never wanted to be the reason for Kisumi to be upset ever again.
And he supposed whilst he was here, it wouldn't hurt to hear more of Kisumi's infectious laughter.
He moved to crawl on top of Kisumi, a grin plastered on his face, sending a shiver of dread through Kisumi.
"Asahi, no no no," Of course, his protests were ignored as Asahi reached to scrape his fingers down Kisumi's side. He had almost forgotten just how ticklish Kisumi was.
"Sorry but I've missed your laughter,"
Kisumi had the sneaking suspicion that Asahi wasn't all that sorry about this part.
But after the past week or so of stress and sadness, Kisumi couldn't find it in himself to care, it felt good to laugh. It felt good to be with Asahi again.