Were Brave
If Azula could say one thing to Ty Lee, one thing without any pride involved, she would confess, "It isn't that I never thought about us. I think about us more than I'd care to admit. But you are of flowers and rain and stars and I am of fire. We don't fit. I'm fine with that."
Maybe she was not fine with that, but she could pretend to be.
She could pretend that she was being wise by avoiding relationships that would never work out. But perhaps it was cowardice. And, oh, how Azula hated the idea of being a coward.
Today, Ty Lee stood across from her at a crowded political event. Everything smelled so strongly of sweat and incense that it made her dizzy. Or maybe Azula was the reason her fingers felt so numb. Looking at her and worrying about whether or not she should say anything.
They barely spoke anymore.
Azula said Ty Lee had no business meddling, that she had done enough damage.
If Ty Lee could be brave, if Ty Lee could be honest, she would say the words that took her endless sleepless nights to construct. "Show me the most damaged parts of your soul and I will show you how it still shines like the sun itself."
She thought it was beautiful and she wanted it to be beautiful.
She wanted to charm the most incredible girl who ever lived, but Ty Lee broke her once.
If they were both brave, maybe they would understand.
Understand each other.
Understand how in love they still were.
But they never were brave, though. Even if they could fearlessly topple empires and fight powerful foes, they were cowards when it came to matters of the heart. They both were ashamed of that, deeply and truly, but they would never say it aloud.
Again, because they were cowards in this respect.
But one day, one day they almost were brave, and it could have been beautiful.
"I got you a flower," Ty Lee said, beaming and handing a wildflower to the princess. She thought maybe that was brave. It was not. It was just dutifully paying tribute.
Azula accepted it with a practiced smile and grabbed another drink.
They were both a few steps beyond tipsy.
Hopefully that would help them. It at least helped them to sit side by side at this bar.
Azula admitted, deep into her drinks, "I was broken before you. You just broke me some more. Still, you should feel terrible and it should haunt you, because you are despicable. But you weren't the first person to fuck me up."
"I wish nobody ever touched your heart," said Ty Lee, drunker than Azula.
Maybe this was the only way they could speak to each other, with the enthusiastic assistance of liquid courage.
"So do I," said Azula with a small, brief, fleeting, mirthless laugh. Ty Lee wondered if she should laugh too, but she decided against it.
"Do you think we could've been something really awesome if things didn't work out the way they did?" asked Ty Lee.
Azula told the first lie since they began drinking together. "I never think about that."
Ty Lee averted her eyes, ashamed of how often she thought about it. "I think we could've been."
"I think I don't value your opinion," said Azula. Another lie.
She could not be brave. She could not be honest.
"Yeah. Maybe we wouldn't fit," said Ty Lee, wondering if that were true at all.
"You're—" Azula almost began her little speech about what Ty Lee was made of and what Azula was made of and how those things never could fit. "You're right," she sloppily said.
"Thank you, princess," whispered Ty Lee into her drink.
They gazed at each other for a long time, both thinking about what it would be like to make love to each other tonight. To say damn all the odds and crush their lips together and go at it like gods, better than gods.
Azula stepped forward. "I'm going to be brave," she said but she was wrong wrong wrong. She was being a coward again, but she convinced herself otherwise as she kissed Ty Lee on the lips.
"Is this real?" murmured Ty Lee, her chest constricted. It was a beautiful kiss, if not messy and drunk. "Are we being brave tonight?"
"Yes," purred Azula.
She drank Ty Lee's worship straight from her sore lips, and chased it with a wordless finale to their explosive night of physical pleasure. On her way out, she burns the flower Ty Lee picked for her, drops the ashes on the floor and abandons Ty Lee without saying a single important word.
Oh, how brave I was, she told herself as she laid her and left her.
But she was not brave.
Almost.
Almost.
Almost.
Ty Lee sat at home and tried to tell herself she was no longer a coward because she slept with Azula, slept with a goddess.
But she was still a coward.
Coward.
Coward.
Coward.
They both knew in their heart of hearts after tonight that they would never be brave enough to tell each other the words that rattle inside of their heads at all times.