"Dawson, Shay!" Hermann announced as they entered Molly's. "Your earlier than I expected today, didn't you girls go shopping?" he looked towards Severide who was sat at the end of the bar.

"Afternoon to you too Hermann" Shay spoke "We did but it doesn't take us all day you know" Hermann laughed loudly.

"Yea ok, can you tell Cindy that next time you see her." He walked towards them as he spoke, smirking at Shay's comment, "Last time Cindy went shopping with you two I almost sent out the search party."

"Yea well we decided not to get messed up in the CPD op going on ok." Gabby said, a little annoyance escaping as she spoke "When your brother tells you to go in his police voice you tend to listen."

"Sorry I didn't mean anything by it" Hermann started.

"No only that me and Shay lead your wife astray, we get it we're bad influences ok."

"Wow, Dawson. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that."

Shay tugged on Gabby's arm "Hey it's ok, he was only joking." Gabby shook her head and darted towards the bathroom. Hermann and Shay shared a concerned glance.

"What was that all about?" he asked the younger girl.

"I'm honestly not sure, she's been fine all day. Joking and laughing. Maybe she's worried, Antonio said the guy they were after may have been armed. It always gets her a bit on edge when she knows he could be in danger, ever since the hospital incident." Not long ago Antonio had been shot outside the hospital and almost bled out in Gabby's arms. "I'll go speak to her." Hermann nodded as she walked away from the bar, "hey Hermann?" he looked up at her "Can we get a couple of shots for when we get back out yea?"

"Sure Shay. Make sure she's ok first though."

Gabby was lent over the sink, tears streaming down her face. She shouldn't have snapped at Hermann she knew that, he was only joking and she knew he didn't mean anything by it, in fact he actively encouraged Cindy to tag along with her and Shay regularly he said it meant she had time to be herself and not just a mother. She wasn't quite sure where the anger had come from, she'd had a good day. Maybe it was seeing Antonio working and knowing he could potentially be shot at again, maybe it was partly what Hermann had said after all that's exactly how she'd been seeing herself recently, a bad influence and bad luck charm for anyone around her. She was so lost in her own thoughts she didn't hear the door open and close behind her, or Shay walking up behind her.

"Gabby" Shay spoke quietly as she placed a hand on her arm causing the brunette to jump suddenly. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you jump. Are you ok?"

"Yeah, sorry about that. I don't know what came over me... I.. Erm... Listen I need to say something and I need you to let me say it all before you interrupt ok?" Tears were filling her eyes, but she needed to get something of her chest and if she didn't say it now then she may never say it. Shay nodded and Gabby continued "So I've been meaning to tell you this for weeks now, I'm sorry. Really sorry about how I've acted recently and how I've treated you. I know I told you that after I snapped at you but I haven't been the friend you deserve not really, I've been distant and snappy and quite hot headed about silly things. You told me that you feel guilty about what happened but Shay it wasn't your fault not one bit. I made the decision to go out that night not you, it was me who suggested that bar instead of Molly's, I should of said all this when you first told me of your feeling guilty but honestly you have got to believe me when I say it is not your fault. Not one bit." The tears broke free as she looked into her worried friends eyes, Shay lent in towards her and pulled her close.

"Gabby, listen to me." She placed her hand gently underneath her chin and made her look at her. "This is not your fault either. You were a victim, and you have every right to feel everything you have been feeling. You never have to apoligise for having legitimate feelings. You can always tell me anything, and even if you need to scream and shout at me I'm there. You are my best friend and I will help you through this ok?" Gabby nodded and held on to her friend tightly, Shay stroking her back as she sobbed against her shoulder.

It took about fifteen minutes for Gabby to have completely calmed down and be ready to head back out to the bar, splashing water on to her face she took one final look at herself before linking arms with Shay and heading towards the bar.

"Hey Hermann can I grab you a sec?"

"Sure kid, Shay can you cover me?"

"No problem." Shay jumped behind the bar and Hermann followed Gabby towards the back room. She watched them go and knew she needed to pre warn Matt to Gabby's earlier outburst, knowing it was less than likely that she'd mention it herself. Taking out her phone she sent him a quick message.

Hey man, just a quick heads up. Gabby and I got to Molly's and she had a slight breakdown. We bumped into CPD and antiono before leaving the mall so not sure if it was to do with that. But she opened up to me about some stuff. She snapped at Hermann pretty bad but they're talking it through now.

Placing her phone back in her pocket she started to polish some glasses, with it being the middle of the afternoon it was quite quiet with only Mouch at on end of the bar nursing his pint and reading his paper, and Severide the other watching some hockey repeat on the big screen.

"Gabby I know that you feel like you need to explain but honestly you don't." Hermann said as they enter the stock room, he turned to face her and could see she had been crying. Pulling her close to him he wrapped his arms around her. "Kid, I've told you before your like my daughter. And us parents sometimes get the rough end of the stick. I'm not mad or disappointed, I'm worried. What is going on with you?"

Gabby looked up at him with her big brown eyes filled once again with tears. "I'm struggling Hermann. Today I saw Antonio at the mall, and he was hunting a suspect who may have been armed. Shay's blaming herself for the attack on me, it's like the minute I think I'm over it and ready to move on something else sparks emotions in me I can't explain. Well then you when you said about Cindy it kinda made me think everyone thinks what I've been telling myself all these months." She wiped away a tear that had managed to escape while biting down on her lip trying desperately not to become a sobbing mess again.

"And what's that?" He questioned, searching her face for any clue as to what she meant.

"That I'm a screw up. That I did deserve what happened to me because I always seem to make bad choices. And everyone knows it. That Matt..." she trailed off unable to finish the sentence.

"That Matt what?"

"Nothing" she shook her head and pulled back from his hug "I just wanted to say sorry anyway. I'm sorry I snapped at you."

"It's ok" he reassured as she turned away from him, pulling her arms protectively across her chest. "Gabby?" He questioned. She stood a few feet away with her back to him, and he could tell she was battling with herself to not break down. "Look at me kid please." He gently turned her round to face him. "What were you going to say?"

"It doesn't matter. It's stupid." She shook her head again.

"Gabby, it's not stupid if it's how you feel. You need to tell someone otherwise it's going to eat you up. Please talk to me."

"I'm going to go, can you tell Matt when he gets here I'll see him at home." She began walking towards the door, before he reached out and grabbed her gently.

"I can't let you drive like this. Please wait for him."

She shook her head again "no. I need to go. Please." She begged.

"Ok" he reluctantly agreed letting go of her arm. "But drive safe and let me know your home safe. Got it?"

She nodded her head before heading out and through the bar as quickly as possible, bee lining for her bag and coat before heading to the exit. She rushed out into the street fighting back the tears stinging the back of her eyes, once safely inside her car she let them fall, thick and fast. For ten minutes she sat trying to compose herself enough to be able to safely drive the short distance home and failing, she reached into her bag and grabbed her phone quickly searching for Matt's number, her finger hoovers over it before deciding against calling him, she throws her phone down on the passenger seat. Turning the key she looks in the mirror and wipes the reminding tears away before pulling out and heading home.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoo

I'm not sure how much more of this guilt I can take, it's eating me up. Matt is helping all he can but I'm considering getting proper help. Today seeing Antonio in that position scared me, what if he gets hurt again? I can't do this without my big brother. I don't know if I'd even want to. I know that's not something I should be saying but it's how I feel. With the wedding round the corner I want to be feeling better and I do for short times and then it hits me again when I'm least expecting it. It's like I'm on a rollercoaster that won't stop. Maybe I can take some furlo for a while and get myself together. Maybe I need to check into the clinic, some of my thoughts aren't exactly comforting. I haven't told anyone but when I see a knife I wonder what it would feel like against my skin, I've pressed my wrist against the blade a few times, I've also thought about taking the tablets out of the medicine cupboard. But then I snap back to realize how silly that is. I didn't deserve what happened to me. Antonio is fine. I have no reason to be feeling like this, but I do!

Gabby threw her diary into the drawer although it wasn't a expectation now she wasn't grounded anymore she'd kept writing in it everyday and it did help to get the feelings out somehow. She flopped forwards into her pillow and began to cry again, all the emotions she'd got flooding her body and completely overwhelming her. Eventually her body gave out and she fell asleep, it was only when she heard Matts voice quietly calling her name that she even realized that she had.

"Gabby" he shook her gently, "baby? wake up"

She opened her eyes blinking furiously trying to adjust to the brightness of the room. Matt was sat next to her, he'd got a worried expression on his face and she knew he'd spoken to Shay and Hermann before even asking.

"Hi" she whispered unsure if he would be cross with her about how she had spoken to Hermann.

"Hey, are you ok?" he asked.

She paused staring at him. For a moment she thought about lying to him, but knew it wouldn't end well. Taking a deep breath she shook her head, "No. Not really."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Gabby didn't answer instead she opened her beside drawer and handed him her diary. He hadn't realized she was still writing in it, he looked at her slightly confused.

"Your diary?" she nodded. "I didn't realize you were still using it. Is there something in here I need to see?"

She nodded again and watched as Matt opened it and began to read. Silence surrounded them, ever so often Matt would look across at her and smile weakly or squeeze her hand gently and reassuringly. Finally after ten minutes he closed it and turned to fully look at her a tear rolling down his cheek. Gabby was shocked to see his emotions over flowing, she'd only ever seen him cry a few times before. Swallowing her nervousness she spoke first, "I'm sorry I haven't told you before now." she whispered.

Matt made sure she was looking him in the eyes before speaking "Gabby, I don't know what to say. I thought you were doing better."

"I am mostly"she started.

"Then why the thoughts of harming yourself. Why didn't you speak to me? Have you really been putting knifes against your wrist?"

"I don't know why Matt, for the most part I'm fine, but then small things trigger me. I thought I could deal with it but today when I saw Antonio it scared me, I've not seen him back at work since it happened and well I sure Hermann and Shay filled you in?" Matt nodded but didn't speak allowing her to continue with what she needed to say. "I have a couple of times, I haven't cut myself but I thought about it."

Matt wrapped his arms tightly around her and held her against his chest, he never wanted to let her go. Pulling back slightly he kissed her forehead, before reaching into his pocket and withdrawing his phone.

"Hello Dr Charles? It's Matt Casey, yes can I ask you to come over please I think I need your help, well more Gabby needs it."

Gabby assumed Dr Charles had agreed when Matt hung up saying he'd see him soon. Looking at Gabby he said, "Dr Charles is on his way, I think it's best you start talking to him. I will be with you all the way but this isn't something I can solve. Gabby I love you and I can't wait to marry you but I need you healthy, mentally and otherwise. Do you agree?"

"Yea baby I do." she sniffed "I was going to contact Dr Charles anyway and I think I'm going to take some furlo time. After everything I just jumped back into work and then I was sick and then I jumped back into work. You helped me through the worst of it but I'm starting to wonder if I have PTSD or something. I'm scared Matt." Matt hugged her tightly, stroking her back comfortingly.

"Come on lets go get some coffee and we can talk about it properly with the Dr when he arrives ok baby."

Gabby nodded but made no attempt to move, pulling her bottom lip in between her teeth in the way she did when she was worried about something. Matt noticed straight away. "What's wrong baby?"

"Are you..." she looked away from him "Are you mad?"

"No baby I'm not mad, I'm worried. I was mad when I first heard how you'd spoken to Hermann but after he and Shay told me about everything you'd said and the way you broke down I couldn't be mad with you because I'm far to worried."

"I'm mad with me." She spoke softly.

"Why?"

"Because I didn't tell you. Because I snapped at Hermann."

"Gabby baby you don't need to be mad, we are going to get through this. Together." he kissed her on the head "now come on lets get some coffee."