Author note: So the next few chapters are going to focus completely on Gabby and her therapy, there are going to be some bumps in the room and Matt is going to struggle as much as she is dealing with her feelings and thoughts. But they will get through this and there will be a lot of support from their family at 51 as well as from the 21st district. The next few chapters will more than likely cross over with Chicago PD a fair bit.
Gabby sat holding tightly to Matt's hand on the sofa, she'd barely said two words since they'd left the bedroom, lost completely inside her head. Everything replaying over and over, the attack on her, the sight of her big brother in her arms bleeding out. Everything that had happened the past year playing through her mind like an endless loop of nightmares. A tear rolled down her face as she buried her head into Matt's chest, listening to the sound of his heartbeat and allowing it to comfort her, making no attempt to brush the tears aside she allowed her body to expel the endless hurt and anger she been trying so hard to squash finally out. Matt didn't know what to do apart from hold onto her, so that is exactly what he did. They didn't hear the door go at first, completely lost in each other and their thoughts, it was only when the tapping grew louder did they realize someone was there.
"I'll go" Matt said, kissing her forehead and slipping out from beside her. Opening the door he was met by Dr Charles standing there looking concerned.
"I came straight away, where is she?"
"In the living area." Matt replied letting the Dr through the front door and taking his coat. "Gabby, Dr Charles is here" he spoke softly across the apartment.
Gabby curled her legs up against her body and wrapped her arms around them protectively. Dr Charles sat on the opposite couch while Matt resumed his position next to her slipping an arm around her shoulders and pulling her close.
"Hey Gabby, how are you feeling?" Dr Charles asked.
Gabby didn't respond instead she pushed herself into Matt's embrace and began to sob.
"She's been like this since I came home." Matt said, stroking Gabby's back, "Gabby do you want me to let the Dr see your diary instead of you having to explain it again?" She nodded. Matt kiss her head again and told her he'd be right back. Dr Charles decided to try another way at getting Gabby talking.
"What have you done today Gabby, anything fun?"
"I went to lunch with Shay, we went shopping." she whispered not looking up at him.
"Really, that sounds good. Did you buy much?"
"A few bits yea."
"Then what did you do?" Dr Charles pressed, now he'd got her talking a little it was important he tried to steer the conversation towards what they needed to talk about.
"We bumped into Antonio, he was in the middle of a take down op." She stopped tears stinging her eyes again. Dr Charles didn't want to press her too quickly so instead of asking what she was feeling he asked what happened after that.
"We turned around and went back to the car. We headed to Molly's, but I didn't stay long. I got into a fight with Hermann and got upset."
"Why was that?"
"He said something that made me think he thought I was a bad influence, and it made me think that what I've been thinking about myself was true." She roughly bit her lip.
"And what has that been?"
"That I... that I, erm..." she paused unsure how to voice it and unsure if he'd think she was crazy.
"It's ok Gabby this is a safe place no one is going to judge you here." Matt had just reentered the room and took the moment to reassure her again, before handing the diary to the Dr and asking if anyone would like a drink, sensing it was better if he allowed Gabby and Dr Charles to talk in private. Both Gabby and Dr Charles said they were ok, and Matt told her he would be in the kitchen if she needed him. Gabby nodded and continued to speak with the Dr.
"For a little while now I've been thinking that I deserved what happened to me, you know the attack. Maybe I did lead him on by my dancing, I mean me and Shay can be a bit.. you know flirty in our movements when dancing. And I was wearing a little dress, maybe it did seem like I was available and playing hard to get." Dr Charles nodded while making notes in his notebook. "Matt and I have been dealing with it a little, and it helped for a while, he's been really good at getting me to open up. But then two weeks ago me and Shay were out on ambo and we were dealing with a drunk who had hit his head and cut it quite deeply, when we were on our way to med he kept stroking my hand and leg, and well it was like I was in the club again, the smell on his breath, the slurring of his words, the constant touching me. I started to have flashbacks and then I had a nightmare that night in the firehouse. Everyone was asleep and I didn't say anything to them the next morning because I thought I could deal with it myself. But then when Matt was at his construction job the next day it was like it had just happened. I locked the door tightly but the walls felt like they were closing in around me, so I went for a run."
"And did that help?"
"Kinda. When I was out there I felt free and my worries and fears seemed to crumble, but the moment I got home my chest felt tight and I had a panic attack. I stood in the shower for ages trying to calm myself, I saw my razor on the side and thought about cutting myself to relieve it, thinking the pain from that would distract me from my thoughts and the black cloud."
"Gabriela have you ever cut yourself before?" Dr Charles asked, he was sure he probably knew the answer, most adults who self harm have a preexisting history from their younger days. Gabby confirmed his thoughts by slowly nodding her head.
"Yes!" she spoke "When I was a teenager. I used to cut myself, and I would insert control by restricting my food intake."
"And have you done that recently."
"Not since the initial attack no."
"Ok. Gabby have you cut yourself recently?"
"No." she said firmly, "I've held a knife against my skin a few times but I haven't actually cut."
"Gabby did seeing Antonio working today start the feelings up again?"
"Yes."
"Can you describe why?"
"I don't know." she replied finally releasing the tight grip she had around her knees for the past fifteen minutes.
"Do you know what I think?" he asked not waiting for a reply, "I think you saw Antonio and you had a flashback again? Didn't you? I think part of you felt hopeless like you did when he first got hurt, and like you did that night and that's what caused you to flip at Hermann and what has you so upset. I think you are trying to make rational reasoning for unrational things. You trying to make sense of what has helped this past year. And I think this goes back further than the two incidents your admitting to."
Gabby stared at him, he was completely right. She had seen Antonio and been transported right back to that moment in the hospital car park, screaming for someone, anyone to help her. And every time she couldn't control something going on or something unexpected happened she was that helpless person lying on the floor after being hit over the head. She thought for a moment before speaking quietly "Dr Charles I think I need help."
He put his notebook down on the table and spoke directly to her, making sure he had eye contact with her and she understood what she was asking for. "Gabby I can do one of a few things right now. You've told me you've had thoughts of self harm, so I have grounds to take you to the hospital if you wish, it would be a 72 hour voluntary admission and you would get intensive therapy as well as lots of time to figure out your thoughts and feelings. But you need to know if you chose that then I'm afraid Matt won't be able to stay with you or visit. So that's option one." she nodded that she understood and he continued, "option two would be that you take some furlo and see me in clinic everyday, but it would require Matt or someone to be with you at all times for the next few days at least. You be able to stay in the comfort of your own home, but there would be conditions, as well as Matt or someone being with you all the time, you'd be required to do at least an hour of exercise outside, and to continue to write in this diary so we an discuss it in our sessions. And option three is in addition to option two I put you on a low dose antidepressant for the time being and we assess the need for it on a month to month basis." Gabby nodded again that she understood and Dr Charles said he'd give her a little while to consider it before heading into the kitchen to speak with Matt.
"Did she open up to you?" Matt asked as he saw the Dr walking towards him.
"She did, I think she is suffering from post traumatic stress and seems to be having a few nightmares and flashbacks about several things but mainly the attack and Antonio being shot. But I feel these feelings go further back than that. I have laid out some options for her and am allowing her to decide on either 72 hours in the hospital for intensive therapy or to stay home but see me in clinic on a daily basis, I've explained to her that if she comes to the hospital she will be cut off from the outside world for the duration. And if she stays at home it will require you to also be with her. I have said she can have some antidepressants if she feels she needs them but honestly I think she'll pick option two."
"Thank you Dr, I've been trying to help but I had run out of ideas of how to help her."
Dr Charles and Matt stood for a short time talking, Matt made the Dr a drink and poured Gabby a glass of water before they both returned to the couches, she was sat with her legs pulled up against her chest again deep in thought. Sliding next to her and slipping his arms around her Matt asked her gently if she made a decision. She nodded and turned to face him.
"First I need to ask you something."
"Anything baby."
"Will you be able to take furlo?"
"Of course, I'll talk to chief if that's what you want."
"It is" turning to face Dr Charles she said "I can't do this without Matt and I can't sleep without him so if it's ok I'm going to take option two and stay here."
"That's fine Gabby. If that's how you need to do this then that is how we will do it. Now I'm going to set up a regular time for you to come to the clinic for sessions. It's better to keep a routine so that you know what's happening when, you and Matt can sort the daily schedule you want to work by here, but remember what I said, it requires you to get out for at least an hour for some fresh air and exercise. It is up to you if you do more, but it is important ok?" She nodded. "I need you to keep writing in the diary and I need you to be honest with us ok?" Again she nodded. "Very well, what time of day would you like to come to see me? Our sessions will be two hours to begin with, I can do first thing or just after lunch?"
"Just after lunch please, I'd like to run each morning if that's ok?" She directed the last part to Matt.
"Of course baby, we can do that."
"1pm good then?" Dr Charles asked.
Both Gabby and Matt agreed that would be fine. The finished up by signing some paperwork to state what the arrangement was and then Matt saw Dr Charles out, before returning to the couch and asking Gabby if she was hungry. She said she was and they decided to order some takeout as neither of them felt like cooking. Matt made a few phone calls, first to Chief Boden to explain the situation and organise emergency furlo for them both, the chief gave them two weeks but told Matt to let him know if he felt they needed more and that he and Donna were there if they needed anything at all, no matter what the time of day. He then called Hermann and told him that Gabby would be taking a few weeks from doing the bar at Molly's and to expect a phone call from Boden at some point as he was acting Lieutenant until Matt was back. Next he called Shay and Severide to explain to them, both told him to let them know if they needed anything, and Shay said she'd stop by in a few days to see Gabby if she was up to it. Afterwards he settled down with Gabby on the couch watching films and eating the ridiculous amount of takeout they'd ordered.