"He's ready for you Miss Dawson." The receptionist spoke gently, Gabby glanced towards Matt for reassurance before collecting her bag and heading towards the blue door she'd come to know as Dr Charles' therapy room. It was a small room, painted in a simple blue and sandy yellow theme, it reminded Gabby of being at the beach. There were some big comfy armchairs to one side, and huge fluffy rug in the middle and some throw cushions on the floor. To one side was a shelf full of different distraction tools, a cats cradle, a sand scraper, some board games, and stress relief toys. Gabby had come to use the cats cradle and sand scraper a lot in the past few days, it seemed that keeping her hands busy made it easier for her to talk. Some times she'd curl up in one of the arm chairs where other times she'd lay on the cushions and the rug running her hand the the shabby fibers. Dr Charles had come to read Gabby's initial mood for the day very well by the choices she made as she entered the room. He would wait for her to settle herself before attempting to speak, watching her movements and choices carefully to determine how far to push and how deep he could get. Today was no different, Gabby entered the room and placed her bag next to one of the armchairs, she picked up a throw cushion and one of the stress balls before settling herself, gripping the cushion between her knees and chest and squeezing the ball gently.

"Good afternoon Gabby, how are you feeling today?"

"I'm not having a good day." She admitted.

"I can see that, would you like to tell me why?" Dr Charles asked, opening his notebook.

Gabby shook her head. This had become something of a pattern with their sessions, some days Gabby would completely close herself of to talking about what was bothering her at first and they'd sit quietly until she was ready or until Dr Charles managed to get her to talk about something else. Usually she would open up before long, Dr Charles had come to realize that she just had to do it in her own time.

"Ok, well we can talk about something else if you like?"

"Like what?" she asked tucking her chin into her chest.

"Anything you like." He replied, "You said Shay was going to drop into see you after work yesterday, did she?"

"Yea."

"And did you two do anything fun?"

"We ordered pizza. She had Severide with her, him and Matt watched the game, and me and Shay just hung out."

"Before you left yesterday you said you were going to talk to her about the night you were attacked. Did you?"

"I did." Gabby paused squeezing the ball with a little more force, she reached down to her bag and handed her diary over to the Dr. "I wrote about it in there."

He nodded and opened it up to read the last entry. Gabby sat quietly watching him read.

I spoke with Shay tonight when she came over like i said I would, it went well. We spoke about the night of the attack, and I asked her if she thought I could have done anything to prevent him attacking me, she told me what everyone else has said that it wasn't my fault, and that I did nothing wrong. I don't know why but it felt different coming from her, maybe it's because she was there that night so can honestly tell me. I don't know but it made me feel better. We spoke about how she'd been feeling, the guilt because she'd suggested the girls night. I told her that it wasn't her fault either and it was me that had wanted to get out because I'd been locked in for so many days. We cried together, finally letting each other in to our feelings, many of which we've bottled up from everyone over the past few months. It really did feel good to let it out finally.

When I said goodnight to Shay last night I was feeling free and happy, I'd had a few drinks but not many and was looking forward to a decent nights sleep. It didn't happen though, I lay awake for hours struggling to sleep and then when I did finally drift off my dreams were full of Antonio being shot. Every time someone got near us to help, the dream restarted and he was being shot again. When the alarm went off I didn't want to get up, Matt was patient with me and did me breakfast in bed, but I barely touched it. I have this sick feeling in my stomach that I just can't shake. I tried calling Antonio, thinking that maybe speaking to him would help but he isn't answering. I called Trudy at the front and she said he's deep in a case at the moment but she'd get him to call me when he has a chance. Some how that only made the feeling worse, and when Matt came out of the shower I must have been asleep again, because next thing I remember is him waking me up again. Usually we run first thing but today i barely had the energy to get myself showered and dressed so we haven't been. Matt suggested we go for a walk after my session.

Dr Charles closed the diary and looked at Gabby taking in her closed off persona and trying to form the right words to say what he needed to. "Gabby you know this is progress." She looked at him confused, how was having a nightmare playing in repeat progress. "I know it may not feel like it but the dream your describing says a lot about where you stand in dealing with what happened to Antonio."

"How so?"

"Well the fact that people keep coming to help but your brain resets the dream says to me that you still haven't fully come to terms with not being able to help him yourself, it tells me that you care very deeply for him. And it also tells me that you dislike not being able to be the one to help. Not being the one in control of your life makes you nervous. I know you've mentioned previously that you and Matt have a unusual relationship where he takes on the charge for rules and consequences, but it was you that suggested the relationship am I right?"

"Yes, Matt wasn't sure at first but being in this type of relationship is good for me, it means I feel secure when I sometimes feel anything but."

"That there is the thing I want to get to. Why? Why do you feel insecure about yourself?"

"I don't know." Gabby bit her lip roughly, "I've always felt a bit like it."

"When was the first time? Do you remember?"

"I was fifteen and didn't fit in with the crowd at school, I tried to keep to myself mostly but this one girl she just tried to make a living hell, and she succeeded for a long time. May longer than I care to admit. This one time we were having a school benefit dance and she must of overheard me and my best friend or something, I don't know." twiddling a loose thread on the cushion she continued, "She wrote a note to me pretending to be the boy I liked asking me to the dance, said he'd pick me up on the way and everything. I was so excited I spent hours getting ready, I even spent all my allowance on a new dress, so come 7.30pm when he was supposed to be collecting me I headed to the front door, he wasn't there it was her and a group of her girls. She told me he was running late so had asked her if she minded getting me in her car instead. She told me he'd told her to get me to the dance and where to met him, what happened next was one of the most embarrassing moments of my school life." Gabby's face looked full of pain at the memory but Dr Charles needed to hear the rest, without knowing the details he couldn't assess the philological damage done, he waited a few moments before saying anything.

"Gabby what happened?"

"So she said he'd told her he'd met me on the dance floor so I headed to the spot she told me to only when I got there no one was waiting. At first I thought maybe he was late still but when I heard a strange noise above me I knew it had all been a trick, unfortunately I was too slow to move and got covered in slime and feather, she'd got one of the jock lads to bring the spot light on me after the stuff fell and everyone stood laughing at me. There were pictures and videos taken and circled round the school for months and I was known as the feather girl." A tear slid down her face.

Dr Charles felt nothing but sympathy for Gabby, events like that can completely break a teenage girl. High school is a difficult place at the best of times let alone being humiliated in front of the entire school and then taunted for it for months afterwards, he leant forwards and squeezed her hand. "I'm really sorry you had to go through that. How did you get home?"

"I called Antonio he came and collected me, he was so angry when he got to the school, he warned her that he could and would make her life just as much of a hell as she was mine if she ever pulled a stunt like it again. I cried all the way home and vowed then I would always make sure any guy I was with it was my terms. I wasn't relying on anyone else but myself because then I couldn't be let down. But I can. I let myself down so many times since then. I think the attack and Antonio being shot made me feel like that again."

"Like you'd let yourself down?"

"Yes. Because I..." she thought for a moment "I'm not even sure to be honest why but I think that's what I've been feeling these past few months."

"That's understandable. Gabby what you went through then was out of your control, what you've been through recently was too. I have a feeling that Antonio's shooting caused your emotions bubble more so because he has been the person there to protect you all these years. He stood up for you then, and you couldn't do the same for him that day."

Gabby stared and the Dr and nodded slightly, how he could unravel her feelings had always and still did amazed her. "I think your right Dr, all these years Antonio has protected me all these years. When I was going through all that in high school he hadn't long become a cop. For so many years he has appeared to be indestructible to me, like some kind of superhero then he got shot and I realized that he's only..." she drifted off staring into space, consumed by her own thoughts.

"Human? Is that what you were going to say?" she nodded "It is always difficult to realize that your hero isn't superhuman to but you know Gabby he is still your hero and you are still his baby sister. He survived and that is hugely thanks to you being there that day and you shouting for help, I know you feel like you didn't do anything but you did. You saved him." Gabby shook her head, she didn't believe that, she couldn't believe it. She was a trained paramedic and she just sat there screamed, she didn't use any of her training, she didn't attempt to help, she'd frozen.

"No." she whispered, "I didn't that was the doctors and nurses. I should have done more." the tears were streaming down her face once again, as her chest heaved up and down as the guilt flooded her body.

Dr Charles handed her the box of tissues and waited for her sobs to die down before taking her hands in his and looking directly at her. "Gabby I need you to hear what I am saying ok?" she nodded. "You did what you could at the time. You couldn't have stopped the bleeding or done surgery could you?"

"No, not by myself."

"Ok, so what could you do?"

"I don't know."

"Did you get him help."

"Yes."

"Did he survive?"

"Yes"

"Then you did everything you could."

Gabby shook her head again, "I could have done more."

Dr Charles sighed he could see he wasn't going to win this battle today and as their time was almost up anyway he wasn't going to push it further. "Gabby tonight I want you to do something ok?"

"Yes."

"First of all you are going to take that walk Matt suggested and while your walking I want you to let your body free of this guilt, talk it through with Matt if you need to, write it down, whatever works ok?" She nodded, "When you come tomorrow we are going to start the process of you forgiving yourself ok?" again she nodded. "I want you to tell me five things you think you could have done differently that day and five things you did right ok?"

"Yes Dr Charles." she whispered.

"Ok, you did well today Gabby. Enjoy your walk and evening and I'll see you again tomorrow ok?"

"Thank you, you too."

She collected her things and headed to the door before turning back "Dr Charles?"

"Yes."

"Do you really think I did the right thing?"

He smiled, although she'd fought him about it, it still had got through to her and she'd obviously understood and believed more than she consciously wanted to admit, but it was a good start. "I do, and I'm sure everyone else does to. Have a nice evening Gabby."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOO

They walked through the park hand in hand, it was warm out and the sun was beaming brightly down on them. Gabby hadn't said much since leaving the clinic and Matt hadn't pressed her, she would open up to him if she needed to and when she wanted to. After the first couple of sessions he had tried to question her over what she'd discussed but it had only resulted in her shutting down completely for the rest of the day. He was struggling not being the person he confided in straight away, she'd always spoken to him. The entire time they'd been together she'd always spoken to him first, even if it had taken her a while, he was always the first person she told about her fears and feelings. Today had been a rough one for the both of them, he knew she was struggling, and she knew he was concerned.

"Matt?" Gabby finally spoke up about half hour into their walk.

"Yes baby." he replied.

"Dr Charles set me a task for tonight. And well I'm struggling to think."

"What was the task?"

"He asked me to think of five things I could have done differently when Antonio got shot, and five things I did right."

"Ok, well what have you got so far?"

"Well I thought I would be able to name five things I could have done differently easily, but I can only think of one."

"What was that one thing?" he asked, thinking about how in his opinion she couldn't have done anything differently, that she had in fact done everything right.

"I could have tried to pack them wound more, I've always got gauze in my pockets, even in my normal coat. But I just held my hand there, I didn't even try to pack it."

Matt thought for a moment, she had a valid point. "Ok, that's a good one. What about the things you did right?" he asked cautiously, he knew Gabby didn't believe she'd done anything right, he'd been battling her about it for months.

"Well at first I was sure I wouldn't think of anything but I think the main things I did right were, duck out of the bullets flying, get Antonio into a safe place so he wasn't in the line of fire anymore, put pressure on the wound straight away and shout as loud as I could for help. Then once he was in the hospital safely I was able to give a description to Voight and the team because I remembered everything Antonio had ever taught me, which meant they were caught really quickly."

Matt stopped walking and turned her to face him. "Gabby I think the reason you can't think of anything else you could have done is because you did it all. Do you see that now?"

She thought for a moment trying hard to fight back the tears stinging her eyes again, he was right, they'd all been right in what they'd been telling her for months. She just hadn't wanted to believe it, she didn't want to believe there was nothing more she could have done. Now she'd had to think about it her body was flooding with all kinds of emotions, relief mainly but sadness, fear, anger all rolling out through the tears trying to escape. She opened her mouth to speak but her voice broke and the tears began to fall, racking through her body as she collapsed into Matt's outstretched arms. They stood there surrounded by the soft noises of the calm nature around them, the only other sound being Gabby's soft sobbing. Matt rubbed her back gently and made soothing noise in her ear, holding her tight against him until her body stopped shaking and the tears subsided, pulling back slightly he spoke first.

"Do you feel better now?" he asked gently kissing the top of her head.

"Yes." she said reaching up and wiping her eyes. "I'm sorry I haven't believed you this past few months, I'm starting to realize that I have been blaming myself for things too far out of my control because not having the control scared me. Thank you for being patient with me and helping me through this."

"Gabby you are my whole world I hope you know that. I would do anything and go anywhere for you. I will always be stood next to you holding you up when you don't feel strong enough, just like I will always be the one to help keep you in check if that is what you want." It had been something that he'd been thinking about for a few days now, after he discovered some of her issue was down to releasing control over things she had no control over, he began to wonder if it would change their relationship. If maybe the life they were used to wasn't a healthy one for her and if they should maybe not live that life anymore.

"Matt?" Gabby looked at him confused, "what do you mean?" she'd never heard him question their relationship before, not like this anyway. After the attack he'd been hesitant but he hadn't suggested that maybe it was something they stopped altogether.

"I've been thinking a lot the past few days." he started cautiously "And I wasn't sure if our agreement was a fully healthy one anymore." He noticed her face begin to crumble again and quickly said "this isn't the place to have this conversation, let's go home."

"No!", her voice was firm and it shocked Matt to hear, "You don't want to continue?"

"Gabby I'm not saying that. Please can we go home, this really isn't the place."

Gabby pushed his chest hard as she broke free from his embrace, stepping back she crossed her arms across her chest. "Three years!" she shouted, "Three years we have had this relationship and not once have I ever felt like you didn't want it, that you were uncomfortable. Are you telling me that now all of a sudden because I've hit a rough patch you think I'm what? To broken? To emotional?"

"That's not what I'm saying." he spoke gently very aware that the anger coming from her wasn't completely directed towards what he'd said "Gabby please let's go home, we can talk about this calmly."

"I've already said I'm not going anywhere!" she shouted getting louder with each word. "How dare you!" her words were dripping with venom, Matt could almost feel the heat coming of her as her blood visibly boiled.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you, I just..." he paused trying to figure out the right way to phrase his thoughts, "I just thought that maybe with the control issues Dr Charles had talked about that maybe me taking charge over you and setting rules isn't the right thing. I can see I was wrong."

"Yes, yes you were." her body began to shake again as tears slid down her face, "You are the only thing in my life that doesn't require me to take full control. I feel safe with you, yeah you bust my butt super hard sometimes but only when it's warranted, I have never felt unsafe or out of control with us Matt. The way our relationship is, it provides me with more security then I have ever been used to since I was a teenager. I don't, no I can't let this all change that. I'm not sure I would cope."

Matt nodded, her reasoning was valid and he knew she wouldn't be saying the things she was if they weren't true. "If that's the case do you think we should go home?"

Gabby gulped, she was suddenly very aware of the out burst she'd just had, and she was all to aware of what could and would probably happen when they got home. "If you think we should." she replied quietly.

"Yes I do" came the short reply, he took her hand and started walking back towards the car park.

"I'm sorry Matt."

"You will be" he said firmly.