Author note: Thank you so much for the replies over night. When I first started writing I was doing it for myself, using my own imagination and experiences to create a world for my favorite show and favorite characters. It was only after a friend read it that I was brave enough to post. Being on this site and reading people's stories for a while now I knew that some comments could be harsh and I was worried how this would come across. I know 50 shades changed the worlds prospective of this kind of relationship but there are still a fair few people out there that frown upon it and make their feelings known. I wasn't sure what type of reaction I was going to get, but I enjoy writing and it helps me relax so I continued. For the people following each update I want to thank you for sticking with me and my story. Gabby and Matt have hit a rough patch, will it get better? Who knows? I have a clear idea in my head where I want this to go and it kinda links up to another story I have been working on with Gabby and Matt. So again thank you for your reviews. Please do keep leaving them, I love hearing what you guys have to say. Stay safe guys. :)
"Hey" She said entering the office.
"Hey" He said. "Rough call?"
"Not really, just a lot of vomit."
There was an uneasy feeling in the air around them making Gabby even more nervous. Matt was staring at her not knowing what to say or how to say it. Neither one of them moving, an awkwardness that they hadn't experienced together before. Both a little frightened of what the other was thinking and feeling but still neither of them made any attempt to begin the conversation they both knew they needed to have. Matt still unsure if doing this at the firehouse was the right place or time, knowing that either of them could be called out at any moment, interrupting them and potentially leaving them both unsure over unspoken thoughts.
Gabby moved to sit on the bed, flinching slightly as her sore butt hit the soft mattress, Matt flinching at her pained face knowing that he was the reason she wasn't sitting comfortably.
"I'm sorry" he whispered, looking down at the ground.
"What?" Gabby said "What on earth do you have to be sorry about? It's me who should be sorry."
Matt looked at her with his mouth slightly open, rubbing his hand across his brow he shook his head. "No Gabby this is on me."
She opened her mouth to say something but Matt stopped her, "You were right, part of me was still mad. I shouldn't have continued to spank you for the same thing over and over. We don't work like that. Your always fully forgiven afterwards. I'm sorry that I didn't realize it before. I should never have agreed to spank you everyday."
Gabby wrapped her arms around him, every fiber in her body clenched tightly at the fear of losing him. His arms circling behind her and holding her as close to his body as he could, the air around them thick with emotion.
"Are you ok?" Matt asked after several minutes, pulling back slightly so that he could see her face as he spoke.
"Your not...Your not going to leave me are you?" she asked, fear lacing her words.
"What no! Of course not!" Matt looked at her shocked that the thought had even entered her mind, "why would you think I was going to leave you?"
"You said it was the last time you were going to have the conversation about me drinking and partying too hard." Gabby said shrugging her shoulders "So I thought maybe you'd finally given up on me."
"Gabby no. I would never, I will never ever give up on you or us." Matt lifted his wife's chin upwards so he could see her eyes, "You and me forever. Do you remember what I said in our wedding vows?" She nodded "I meant every single word Gabby. Nothing you could ever do would make me give up on us. That's not what I meant when I said that, what I meant was that if I have to have the conversation again well," he paused "it doesn't matter now anyway. I think I've cause enough damage."
"What does that mean?" Gabby asked suddenly very defensive. "Are you saying you don't want this relationship anymore?"
"Honestly I don't know. I never dreamed I would hurt you like I have." They both stared at each other in silence, Matt stroking Gabby's back softly as she listened to his heart beating against his chest where her head rested. "Gabby" he spoke softly, "I need you to be honest with me, if I don't want to do this anymore would it change us."
"I'm not sure." she replied, "I've been happy in our relationship, sure sometimes I've been punished harshly but never too harshly, you've always known the limits."
"But?" he asked.
"But when you spanked me for this mistake you really laid it on, not only did you spank me, you spanked me until my butt was sorer than it had ever been. And I deserved it, I did." She sat back holding his hands in front of her, looking straight at him. "I never thought you'd agree to spanking me every day, but I knew I deserved that too, I had broken so many rules, I'd put my job on the line. And at first I thought that even though you were still mad you'd start to forgive me soon, but you didn't you just spanked me harder, and then today I tried to say something and you shut me down. And I realized at that moment that you hadn't forgiven me and maybe you never would. So I took it, but honestly Matt it broke me a little to know you weren't letting go of the anger."
"I'm sorry"
"I know. But then when I went out on ambo I struggled to keep my focus, everything kept playing over and over in my head and that's how I ended up covered in vomit because I didn't see it coming. I was too distracted to do my job properly, I've never felt like that before, not with you. All the ride back a little voice in my head kept telling me you were going to leave me, that I'd become too much and you'd just had enough of my drama and childishness. I was shocked to see you wanting to talk to me, I didn't think you loved me anymore."
"Gabby I will always love you." Matt replied shocked at her confession.
"I realize that now." she said, a single tear rolling down her cheek. "And I love you more than I've ever loved anyone." Silence surrounded them again as they both digested what she'd just said.
"What are you thinking?" She asked quietly after a few minutes.
"I'm thinking that I don't ever want you to doubt my love for you again. I'm thinking I've failed you as a Dom, as a husband, as a friend. I was angry, so so angry about the drinking and especially the drugs. Hell Gabby I even thought about writing you up myself, but I also knew if I did that you'd lose your job. I agreed to spank you daily because you asked me and you've never begged me about anything before. I should have known then that I was being too hard."
"I think we both made some big mistakes, I should have told you what I was feeling and I didn't. This is both of us that have caused this. We are going to have to work through it together. And that means we have to be honest, even if the truth hurts."
Matt agreed, "First" he said, "I'm just going to go clear something with the chief, wait here for me?"
"Yea, ok." She was confused as to what he could possibly need to speak to the chief about at this exact moment in time, but she trusted him and knew he wouldn't be walking away right now if it wasn't important.
"I'll be right back." he said exiting the room, leaving her sat on his bed in the noise of her own thoughts. What a mess she'd made, she shouldn't have said anything and then he wouldn't be doubting every decision he'd ever made. If she'd just kept quiet he wouldn't be thinking about changing the relationship they had. She needed this relationship, she needed things to stay as they were. It was the only way she didn't go completely off the cliff, that was why she'd sought out this way of life. The control was passed to someone she trusted to take the reins and make the right decisions when she couldn't. Flopping down on the bed, she rolled to her side and let the tears flow. She didn't know how long had passed since Matt had left the office but it felt like a long time, her tears kept coming, her body shaking as the sobs escaped. Finally crying herself to sleep curled up on his bunk.
Matt came back half hour later to find her curled up tightly in a ball, her face streaked with tear stains as she slept, pulling the blanket over the top of her, he climbed in beside her. Slipping his arm around her while listening to her breathe. He'd cleared it with the chief that she could stay in here with him, having briefly outlined the issue for him, he'd agreed that it was best that she was close to him tonight.
The hours ticked by slowly as Matt struggled to sleep, every time his eyes started to fall shut he'd spring them back open not wanting to fall asleep and wake to find Gabby gone. Fear cursing through his body about the damage he'd caused. Fighting with himself about how they should continue from now on. He thought back to the day in the park when he'd tried to suggest changing their relationship and how mad she'd got. He wondered if she was going to get mad with him now, if he suggested the same. He meant what he'd said to Kelly he wasn't sure he could keep doing this after everything that had happened this year he had never imagined he'd be the one to cause her to break mentally. But he had and he didn't know how to fix it. He didn't know if it could be fixed. Looking across at the clock on his wall he saw it was two o'clock in the morning, not wanting to admit defeat he got up slowly and sat at his desk, resting his head in his hands. If he was going to try and stay awake he needed to do something, there was plenty of paperwork to keep him going but he needed coffee as well. Standing up he planted a kiss to his wife's forehead and slipped out the room, heading towards the common room. He was surprised to see Kelly sat watching the TV.
"Hey" Matt said "Can't sleep?"
"Not really, why you up so late?"
"Don't want to sleep." Matt replied sadly. "I've been lay holding onto Gabby while she slept. I think she cried herself to sleep." His voice was full of remorse, "I did this Kelly, I made her cry herself to sleep!" The anger he felt escaping through the tone of his voice.
"You have got to stop beating yourself up" Kelly said "It's a slippery road, and one that won't lead you to happiness or answers."
Matt looked at Severide "she thought I was going to leave her Kelly. She actually thought she'd lost me over the night out. She said she thought she'd pushed me too far and I had given up on her."
"Matt this is a conversation that could have you going round in circles, you know what her fear is. Now you have to find a way forwards, you both together need to find a way through this and past it. I can't tell you what to do or what to say. But I know that you will work it out, you and Dawson your solid. Your a team. If anyone can work this out it's you two."
"So you think we'll be ok?" Matt asked uncertainly.
"I know you will. Now come on I'm tired and you look beat, lets get some sleep in case we get called out."
Matt shrugged his shoulders he knew Kelly was right, if they were called out and he was too tired to function it could be potentially fatal to everyone involved. Heading back into his office and slipping into his bunk as quietly as possible, he slipped his arms back around his wife, placing a soft kiss to her temple before allowing sleep to take hold of him.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Gabby stirred in his arms pulling him from his sleep, he could feel her body tense as she started to mumble something he couldn't quite understand. His hand automatically beginning to rub soothing circles on her back, his grip tightening around her as he tried to calm her down.
"Ssshh" he whispered into the darken room "it's ok, I'm right here, I've got you."
"Ma Matt" she whimpered. "Ma Matt I'm sorry."
"Hey it's ok. Sssshhhhh"
His chest felt damp and he knew she was crying, "do you want to talk about it?" He asked gently.
"You you left me" she whimpered again. "You walked out."
"I'm not going anywhere, it was just a dream."
She'd been having nightmares about him leaving her all night. He was exhausted after not getting much sleep at the station, they'd come home and spoken at great length about what this meant for their relationship and then when they'd finally gone to bed she'd tossed and turned, her night riddled with the same nightmare, her waking up clinging to him and screaming his name. Matt laying there all night awake, listening to her dream and replaying the conversation over and over in his head.
Gabby had told him that she still needed a firm hand, but he had been so hard on her recently it had, had a negative affect. That he'd crossed the line between punishing her to actually hurting her, her words cutting through him like a knife. He'd apologized over and over again, but every time he looked at her he could see the pain he'd caused in her eyes and the way she held her body. They'd talked all day and still the conversation wasn't finished, Matt knew she wanted their relationship to continue in the way they'd been living, but he knew something had to change. Before they'd gone to bed last night they'd said they would rework their rules and start a fresh, but it was still playing heavy on Matt's chest. They'd started slow before, working up to him being full Dom, her guiding him through at first and still he'd got here. But she hadn't safe worded. Why hadn't she safe worded? That was a question he needed answered. Was it because she'd trusted him? Was it because she didn't want to disappoint him anymore? Why?
Gabby curled herself closer to his chest, gently placing kisses on it as she felt his body tensing against hers. Slowly recovering from her dream and sensing Matt's nervousness. "You ok?" She whispered.
"I'm" he started before sighing "no" he admitted "no I'm not, none of this is ok. Your having nightmares because of me."
She pushed herself up to look at him, the low sun allowing the shadows of his face to be visible "Matt we spoke about this, it's not just on you. We both went too far."
"But I was the only one causing any pain."
"I caused you pain Matt, I ignored your calls and texts, after everything I knew you'd be sat worrying about me when I didn't reply and I still did it. This isn't just on you. I pushed you to your limits. "
"I shouldn't have made you push past yours." He countered. It was the same argument they'd been having all day, Matt not allowing Gabby to shoulder any of the blame, instead he was mentally beating himself up over everything.
Gabby let out a frustrated sigh "Matt you can not blame yourself! You didn't go get blind drunk and smoke a spliff!" Her voice was firm, firmer than she'd usually speak to him but she needed him to let go of some of the guilt he was harboring otherwise they were never going to work past this and if using a firm tone on him got him to sit up and listen then so be it.
"I know" he said releasing his own frustrated sigh, bringing his hand up to pinch his nose, the sleepless night, crying and thinking had caused him to have one hell of a headache. "I just feel so bad."
Gabby kissed his cheek "have you even slept?" she asked concerned at the bags sitting under his eyes.
"Not really. I lay here watching you sleep, and when I did dose off you had bad dreams. So I tried to stay awake so I could help you if you had another."
"Matt your exhausted you aren't thinking straight. It's still early and we've got nowhere to be today, why don't you try and get some sleep." She rested her head back down on his chest, curling her arm up and across his chest, playing gently with the hair gently. Matt still stroking her back as they lulled each other back to sleep. When they finally woke the sun was blaring through the window, flooding their bedroom with warm light.
"Hey" Matt said opening his eyes to see Gabby staring down at him. "Did you sleep?"
"Yea and you did to." she smiled at him, "Do you feel a bit better now?"
"Kind of" he said "I've still got a million thoughts and feelings and about a million questions but for now I'm starving and need some food." His tummy growling at them as the words left his lips causing them both to chuckle at the timing.
"That's one angry growl" Gabby teased placing a kiss against his bare belly. "Come on I'll cook, you do the coffee."
Matt padded bare foot behind her as she left the room, glancing in the mirror as he passed he could see the huge bags under his eyes, the coffee was going to need to be strong.
They worked their way around the kitchen in silence, Matt watching Gabby and Gabby watching Matt. Both of them offering small smiles to each other every time they caught the other looking. Gabby cooking up a feast of eggs, bacon, sausages, pancakes and waffles. Matt already on his third coffee by the time they sat down to eat.
"Gabby?" Matt said gingerly, aware that the conversation needed to be continued.
"Yea?"
"Can I ask you something?"
"You can?" she said shoveling bacon into her mouth. Neither of them ate much yesterday, exhausted from their lengthy conversations they'd mainly picked at the cereal and fruit bowl.
"Why didn't you safe word?"
Gabby looked at him tears filling her eyes again, "Honestly?"
"If we're going to work through this then yes. Honestly is the only thing we can be." he said looking at her closely.
"I knew what I'd done was stupid, I knew I deserved to be punished and I didn't want to disappoint you anymore. So I took it, even though it hurt like hell, even though I thought I may pass out from the pain. But I didn't safe word because I knew I deserved it for making you sit waiting for me and worrying about me. Again."
Matt rubbed his hand across his mouth trying to form the words he needed to say "Gabby" he breathed out with a sigh "the safe words are there for a reason. You can't ever do that again" his voice becoming firm as he reached out to hold her hands in his "do you understand?"
"Yea" she shrugged.
"I mean it Gabby" his tone getting firmer as he tried to convey how vital it was that she didn't just take it, "if we decide to continue this you must tell me if I'm going to far. Using your safe word! If you can't promise me that then this whole laying new rules and everything is pointless."
Gabby watched him carefully as he spoke, every word he said laced with a sadness and remorse she wasn't used to hearing from him. "Ok, I promise." She finally agreed, "But Matt, I need this to continue."
"Why? Why do you need it?" he spat, the frustration he was feeling coming out. It was a question he'd asked himself a hundred times, but had never voiced to her. Why did she need him to beat her butt for her to feel safe, grounded and protected. Why wasn't his love enough. She winced at his tone, Matt suddenly speaking softer as he witnessed her body tense "Explain it to me please."
Gabby sighed, she'd never been asked that question before, she knew the answer though, it stemmed right back to the first time she really got into trouble and spanked hard. "Were you ever spanked as a kid?" she asked.
"No" Matt shook his head "Dad was too busy beating on mum, and mum was too busy drinking to hide her pain to care enough about what me and Christie were up to. The only times I've ever been spanked is when Boden has taken me in hand at the station and that's only happened three times."
"I was" she said her face softening under his gaze "Fairly regularly at one point, nothing like what you and I do, but papa swatted me a fair few times with his hand. But I remember always feeling completely safe and protected. I remember thinking if he cared enough to spank me then he must care a lot about me. But it wasn't until I ran away."
Matt's jaw dropped "You did what?"
"It's a long story, basically I had this boyfriend he was Antonio's age and I was thirteen, papa found out and grounded me. He told me I was never allowed to see the guy again, so I ran off. I was missing for two weeks, Antonio found me and took me home, the guy had beaten me up pretty badly when I'd refused to have sex with him. Papa, well he was so mad, madder than I'd ever seen him."
"What did he do?"
"He spanked me, it was the first time he'd ever spanked me with something other than his hand."
"What did he use?" Matt asked, his eyes wide.
"His belt." Gabby admitted, "But I knew in that moment that the only thing that was going to keep me from being a whirlwind was someone taking me in hand."
"So you started to seek out partners willing to spank you?"
"Yes." Gabby looked up at him, seeing nothing but love and understanding shining in his blue eyes. "But I never trusted anyone as much as I do you Matt."
"And now I've broken that trust?"
"Yes and no. The fact your sat here talking this through with me says more about you than you probably realize."
"How so?" Matt questioned.
"If it were anyone else they'd have given up on me by now. I know because it's happened a fair few times. You, well you just understand, I know I'm the first person you've ever done this with but it came naturally to you. You knew the limits, you could read my body language better than I could. You knew how to keep me grounded, how to make me feel safe."
"Do you still feel safe? Do you still feel like you can trust me?" Matt asked afraid of the answer he may get but aware he needed to hear it anyway.
"Yes and no" Gabby looking at him sympathetically "I still feel safe, I still feel it comes naturally to you. But you missed the signs, and your anger clouded your judgement. That is what we need to work on."
"I'm sorry" Matt whispered as a tear ran down his cheek. "I never ever wanted to hurt you."
"I know."
"Where do we start to fix this."
"First of all we need to go over all the rules again, set clear limits on punishments and promise each that we will never ever get here again."
"Agreed."
They spent most of the morning detailing how each rule would have a set number of swats with certain implements, and putting a limit on the amount of strokes he was allowed to give. Gabby had told him that sixty with the cane had been far far beyond her limits, and the most she could reasonably take was thirty and even then he could only give her that amount in extreme circumstances. Those times being one of only a few things, her putting her life in danger, her breaking the same rule several times over and her speaking to authority, so Boden, or any other chief in a way that could lose her, her job. By lunchtime they had drawn up a contract of sorts on Gabby's laptop, she said she'd print it so that he could have it at hand while they both became familiar with the new rules and consequences.
"Gabby" Matt shouted from the kitchen.
"Yea" She shouted back from where she was sat in the living room, finalizing their contract.
"Do you want cheese or ham?"
"Either I'm not fussed."
"Both it is then" he chuckled.
She smiled softly, saving the document and closing down her laptop. Matt came through just as she put her laptop away.
"One sandwich" he said placing it in front of her. "I was thinking, how about tonight we go try out that new Thai place?"
She looked at him shocked "But I'm still grounded aren't I?"
"Yes but that doesn't mean I can't take you out."
She nodded knowingly, a small smirk resting on her face "You don't have to take me out to apologize" she said "I know your sorry, I'm sorry too but we've dealt with it now, it's time to move past it."
"Gabriela" Matt said firmly planting a kiss on her cheek "This isn't to apologize, it's because I want to. I grounded you, I make the rules."
"Fine" she said smirking.
Matt raising his eyebrows at her short reply, "Watch it." he said firmly.
Both of them chuckling, happy that the air around them was clearing.