Louds In The Cradle, Chapter 10
We left off last chapter at a sort of point of divergence from canon. That's because Lynn Senior was telling the truth when he said that he and Rita told Luan to make it clear to Lincoln that pulling a scam on the family just because Lynn Junior stood around hollering 'bad luck' would not be tolerated. What they thought would happen is that for every example of 'bad luck' the sisters had, Lincoln would have an equivalent act of bad luck happen to him until he wised up and copped to being a low-grade grifter. What they didn't expect to happen was her acting like she was part of the Impossible Missions Force. After explaining to her that using superscience to pose as her dad would get them all in trouble with the law (the phrase Lynn Sr used was 'Social Services will just bust down the door and wheel in the guillotine'), she plead to a minor misdemeanor and was sentenced to community service at the senior's center. The joke is on them because "No Such Aggravation" is part of this work's backstory.
"Of course, the worst of it all is that we pretty much did all of that for nothing. About the only thing we really had on him was picking up a phrase that has the anagram 'BOHICA' up off the street….or from overhearing us whenever someone wants to take us for task about what you kids get up to."
"Uh…..my golf club? It came apart in his hands. He must have at least done one stupid thing."
"Actually, Lori, he didn't break any of the things that went kablooie. You do remember that the shopping we don't do from the trunk of a car is done from that bunko artist at the gas station, don't you? Not a guarantee of quality, is it? It took until after he spent a couple of weeks learning about contact dermatitis in a rather tender location to find out, though."
"Wait….you mean he spent all of that time thinking that he thought we thought he was a good luck charm because Flip is a skeeze who sells garbage?"
"Welll….there was also the fact that he was good for it punishment-wise and also, everyone except Lynnster signed on to keep from getting pranked for ten years. When you consider that Plan B was a cartoon version of Saw, looking like chumps looks a lot better, doesn't it?"
"Hold on….you're playing Punishment Roulette now? Keeping track of bad things you suspect we do to keep us in line when you catch us?"
"Yes, Lori. We've done it for years. It's why we don't really have to bend over awkward about the mess with the Princess Pony comic. I'd suspected that he made a big show of enlisting Lucy as his assistant because he knew that she needed her keister covered and kind of had to oblige when he did confess to her crime. That's because he wanted to get grounded and well, I wanted to get him for stuff he slid past us. About three quarters of the punishments you kids get are for something you try to sneak by us...which is why we confiscated those wigs you'd gathered."
"Wait...you knew it was MY comic book that got flushed and that I did it?"
"Despite what you might think, your mother and I aren't simpletons. We have a fair idea of what you kids do and why. We just like letting you make your own mistakes instead of running to us for every little thing. Also, if you kids wanna rip Lucy a new one for liking the poor man's version of My Little Pony, keep your opinions to yourselves. A lot of people find what kids like just as weird and also, family is family so quit picking on one another."
"Listen to your father, girls. Watching you 'take Lincoln down a peg' bears too much similarity to tripping a dwarf for comfort. It's like you want him to be that horror monster personification of misogyny that's the idiot hero of a kiddie cartoon."
Lori asked "How is a dumb guy who needs his sisters to help him 'against' women? You keep saying that but you don't make it clear."
"Hmmm. Let me think. Could it be that the message is that the only way for a girl to compete with a boy is that if the boy is lobotomized and emasculated or that it's a girl's job to spend her life catering to a man-infant?"
That put something of a pause on the conversation as everyone tried digesting that. They didn't like the taste much.