Hey guys, thank for all your reviews on the last chapter. I'm not going to say much until after you've read it. So here goes..

"Gabby, Matt it's been a long time."

"It has Chaplain, thank you for seeing us on such short notice." Matt said extending his hand out to shake the older mans. Gabby giving a small smile as she allowed herself to be led into the room by her husband.

Sitting down on the familiar couch, the one she'd sat on a fair few times before, she made a silent promise to herself to be as open and honest as she could. There was a reason they were here, there was a reason Matt had suggested she came here and she wasn't going to allow herself to clamp up like she had been doing.

She knew this room was a safe place, it always had been. Anything she said within these walls would be held in the greatest confidence.

"How are you?" The Chaplin asked both of them but his eyes were more on Gabby than Matt.

There was silence from the couple, Casey aware that Orlovsky wanted to hear from his wife how she was doing, both men knowing from their brief conversation on the phone a few day's ago that they were here more for her than anything else. But when it appeared she wasn't ready to speak he started for her.

"We're hanging on in there but we've been having a few issues. More Gabby really but we're both having good and bad days." He said his hand resting on her knee. He gave her a small squeeze to try and encourage her to continue.

Clearing her dry throat she nodded her head, "Matt's right we've, I've been struggling since the twins arrived. It just feels like.. it's not been easy for either of us."

"I can't pretend to know what you are going through, either of you but I need to ask. Are you talking to each other about it?"

Both of them shook their heads, it was true they hadn't confided in each other their feelings. Casey knew he was just as guilty of it as she was. The husband had put up walls up in an attempt to be there for her, in an attempt at being the shoulder she needed. But maybe she had done the same.

"Not really, we've had a couple of short conversations but I think we've both being putting on a brave face for the other one." Matt said, looking towards Gabby as he did, "I thought if I remained strong that I could help you through this."

"And I thought the same" Gabby confirmed. "I'm scared Matt, I have been since the night my waters broke. I feel like... like.." a single tear ran down her cheek, neither of them attempting to wipe it away as for the first time they were ready to be honest about their feelings.

"Like what baby?"

"Like I failed, like I am failing." She admitted quietly. "What type of mother am I going to be when I couldn't even carry my children to term."

"Baby, there was nothing you could have done. None of this is your fault. Not at all. And I'm sorry your feeling like this."

"If maybe I'd have taken it easier.."

"Gabby what happened wasn't because of anything you did. And you are an amazing mother already, your attentiveness and caring ways with our children.. I never thought I could love you more but watching you with them it makes me fall in love with you all over again. Never doubt yourself baby, you are amazing."

"Gabby" the Chaplin spoke after a few moments, her head slowly turning to see him watching them, "why do you feel like that?"

"I..." the question stumped her momentarily, the paramedic going quiet while she worked through her own thoughts, the two men sat watching her carefully both of them fully aware of what she was doing. But when several minutes went past it became more and more apparent that she needed a little prompting.

"Is it because its difficult for you to see them in the incubators?"

"No, not really. I mean it's difficult, yes especially when there's a time limit on how long we can hold them. But that's not the worst bit. Of course I just want to hold them forever but I know that I can't. I know that isn't realistic that even if they were born on time I wouldn't be able to hold them all the time, but even though I know that I hate having to put them back. I feel like we've been stripped of normal experiences as first time parents. We have been thrown into the whirlwind and it's like it just doesn't stop. Every time I think I've got a hold on it something happens."

"Like what? Talk to me about what's been happening." The Chaplin asked, he knew he needed the whole picture before he could help the couple and without the details of what had been going on he couldn't even begin to do anything for them.

"Sebastian was doing amazingly when he was first born, within a few hours he was on nasal oxygen but then during his first night he had to go back onto CPAP. He couldn't get enough oxygen to his body and they had no choice to put him back on it. So we can't even see his little face properly. And then just as we thought he was doing better he got a cold that turned into a chest infection. He was really poorly for a couple of days."

"It was a rough couple of days" Matt confirmed, "we weren't sure if he was going to get better or worse and the antibiotics took a long while to get into his system."

"But he is doing better now?"

"He is" Gabby confirmed a genuine smile spreading across her face as she spoke, "in fact the nurses are talking about weaning him of the CPAP again and seeing how we go."

"That's good news."

"It is" she nodded, her face falling slightly.

"But something else is bothering you?" The Chaplin asked, seeing the change in her.

"Yes."

"Madeline?"

"Yes."

"What about that scares you?"

"Everything, she's so tiny. Much smaller than Sebastian, and I hate that she's got to have this big thing done to her. What if.. what if something goes wrong?"

Matt tightened his grip on her hand, the slight squeeze he gave her pulling her attention back to him. "She's going to be fine baby."

"But you don't know that" she almost squealed, "you keep telling me everything is going to be okay. That she's going to get through this surgery and be fine! But you don't know that, no one knows that.."

"Gabby we have to believe that she will be, look what all this is doing to you?"

It was the Chaplin's turn to grab their attention upon hearing Casey's word, the man clearing his throat to gain it. He knew more than most about Dawson's struggles and her husbands words weren't near cryptic enough for him not to pick up on there not so subtle meaning. "What do you mean Matt?"

"She's barely eating, she's barely sleeping, and she's barely holding herself together. I know that this is a two way street, that I've not been most forthcoming about my feelings about all this but.." He turned back to look at her "Gabby somethings going on with you, you've been sick how many times these past few days? And I don't know if it's the anxiety or something more but I need you to be honest with me baby.. please." There was a near begging sound to his voice, the man's eyes never leaving hers as he watched a look flash behind her eyes, a flash that he hadn't seen in a long while and had hoped he'd never see again.

"I... Matt... It's not that I don't want to eat and be healthy, because I do. I know better than anyone that I need to eat if I want to successfully breastfeed, which I do. But every time I eat I feel sick, and sometimes I don't feel up to eating a huge meal but you... the other night I said I wanted a salad and you made me eat a 'proper'" she used her fingers to make air speech marks to emphasise her words "meal. You told me I wouldn't be allowed back to the hospital if I didn't, so I ate what you deemed a meal and then when my anxiety hit later on, I brought it all back up. That made me feel like crap baby."

Casey felt his heart break at her words, he hadn't even begun to think that his pressure to eat more was hindering her more than helping her. "I'm sorry baby, I didn't realise I was making it more difficult. I'm just worried about you."

"I know you are, and truthfully you've got every right to be. I'm not doing great, I haven't been doing great and with my history I know why you panicked and acted like you did but I promise you I am fighting against that urge, I know how to deal with it. Little and often. That's what I was told in the clinic back when I went before, they told me to focus on having a little bit at a time, and emphasised on not forcing myself to eat a full meal unless I felt like it."

"I didn't know that" Matt admitted, the man having not been there when she went through the clinic, Gabby having been admitted late in her teens and a long while before she came to fifty one. The only reason he knew about it was because Antonio had told him, the older Dawson wanting his sisters boyfriend, as he was at the time, to know and he knew that Gabby wouldn't mention it. But truthfully he didn't know much about the ins and outs of it, all he knew was that she'd had a problem, she'd gone to this clinic and she was now in recovery but still struggled when in high stress situations she couldn't control.

"I never told you" she said quietly. The two knowing it was a conversation they needed to have at some point, that he was going to want to know everything he should and shouldn't be doing to avoid another situation where he caused the problem to be worse.

"I never really asked."

"No, but it wasn't an issue before. Now it is, you need to understand it and I should have tried to explain. I know I can always come to you with this stuff, we've worked really hard throughout everything we've been through to keep an open line of communication and I shut down. I'm sorry for that, I shouldn't have shut you out not when this affects you as much as it does me."

The Chaplin sat back and watched the young couple open up to each other, the older man knowing that the only thing they required from him at the moment was for him to remain a silent presence. He would jump in if he felt he needed to but for now he was happy to let them use this time and free space to get what they needed to get off their chests.

The Casey's had always made his job fairly easy, the two struggling mainly with a lack of communication more than anything else. There had been times where both of them had been guilty of shutting down, whoever it was using the excuse of wanting to spare the others feelings for not always being open and honest with the other and he knew that they always found their way after a while. If that was in his presence or not, it always came out in the end and he was just happy to have been able to help them take that step today.

He still had questions, things he needed to add and things he wanted to tell them but they could wait until they had finished discussing the topic they were, until they were ready to move on to the next and main issue.

"... I promise you I will try to eat more" Gabby's voice broke through the Chaplin's thoughts, his attention refocusing on what she was saying as she sat across from him. "But I need you to promise to be a bit more patient with me about it. This whole thing has shaken me Matt, I know that its tough for us both but for me it feels like my children have been quite literally ripped away from me. I've spent months with them growing inside, them with me all the time and now we spend half our time apart, it's tough and its going to take me some time to work through my emotions about it."

Matt nodded, "Okay."

"Thank you" she said leaning into him, his arms wrapping around her back as he held her head to his chest. For the first time in weeks he felt her fully relax, the woman having finally gotten most of her thoughts off her chest. He knew they hadn't touched on the one thing still lingering over them, the storm that was about to become their lives, they had skilfully skated around that but he knew they needed to talk about it, that before they left this office today it was something they needed to discuss. Gabby and he were both experts at hiding their fear from the people around them, but they could never hide those feelings from each other. Both of them able to read the other without any words and he knew that she was thinking the same thing as he was.

"If I may say something?" The Chaplin spoke a few moments later, the young couple breaking apart and refocusing in on him. "I think you've just done amazingly, talking about all you went through in the clinic as a teenager I know that isn't an easy thing to talk about. That what brought you there and here are things that don't come naturally to you to open up about. And Matt you did a great job listening and understanding, that door needs to remain open, you both need to be able to continue to talk about this and together you need to be able to work through it. Similarly to how you lent on your family back then Gabby, you need to lean on Matt now. Tell him how you're feeling, even if those feelings are you struggling."

"I will, I promise."

"Matt?" Chaplin asked, "can you keep this up?"

"I can."

"Okay then, well I think before you go we need to discuss one last matter don't we? The one thing I get the feeling neither have you have discussed at all."

"Maddie" Gabby whispered, the Chaplin nodding in agreement.

"Yes, Maddie. She's got a rough road ahead and a big surgery, have you discussed what you both are going to do while she's in theatre?"

The couple shook their head, in all honesty they had barely discussed anything about it. Even during their pregnancy, even after they found out she was poorly, they hadn't discussed it much. The both of them choosing to ignore the matter, both of them naively thinking they had more time to face up to it. But their time was running out, in less than seven days she was going to be going into theatre and they had to face it. There was no more hiding from it, there was no hiding from their feelings anymore. It was happening, it was happening soon and they needed to talk.

"We haven't really spoken much at all" Matt told him, "we thought we had more time to let it sink in."

"But times running out?"

"Yes, time is running out and I don't know what to do or say. It's going to be the hardest thing we've ever had to do. Handing our baby over for this surgery, it terrifies me. I can't imagine what losing her would do to us. I know she's only a week and a half but it feels like she's been here forever and losing her, that's not even an option I can let myself feel." Matt told him, the unshed tears resting in his eyes.

"And you Gabby? How do you feel?"

"Like I can't breath! Every time I think of her going through this huge surgery it's like there's a weight on my chest, like something is stopping me from being able to take a breathe." Tears were once again streaming down her face as she tried to vocalise the thoughts she had swarming her head. "I feel like if I allow myself to think about it I'm going to break. I'm going to crack and there's no way I can come back from it."

"You are strong Gabby, you know that. You can get through this, no matter how hard it's going to be. Both of you will get through this." The Chaplin said leaning forward to take her hands in his. "I know you said earlier that we don't know what's going to happened, that none of us have a way of knowing how this surgery is going to go. And you're right, we don't. But do you know who does?"

Gabby shook her head, the woman glancing sideways at her husband, tears of his own streaming down his face. His hand on her lower back giving comfort to them both as they had a silent conversation. Matt knew what the Chaplin was getting at, he knew the answer he wanted her to give and he knew if Gabby really thought about it she too would know the answer.

"God" she whispered glancing back towards the Chaplin, a soft grin coming to his face as the single word lingered in the air.

"Yes Gabby, you have a strong faith. Trust in it, trust in him. If you can't trust in our word, or the doctors, trust in God. Let him guide you through this."

She hadn't really thought of it that way before, the woman never really linking the two. But now it was suggested to her she couldn't help but realise how naive she had been in not seeing it before. She had grown up in a extremely religious household, both her mother and father having one of the strongest relationships with their faith Matt has ever seen and that strength in faith had more or less followed Gabby into her adult life. Listening to the Chaplin's words she suddenly felt better and more equipped to deal with everything that had happened and everything that was about to happen. If nothing else could help them through this, she knew that this could, that by leaning on the one thing, the one person that had got her through so much already, they could face this head on.

"I.. thank you." she said standing up and giving him a quick hug. "I hadn't even thought of it like that before. You once told me 'we are only given what God thinks we are strong enough for.' And I know he wouldn't have given us Maddie without knowing that we could handle whatever comes from it. So thank you for making me see that."

"You are welcome" he told her, all three of them knowing there was nothing more that needed to be said. "Now I know you've got an appointment booked in for the day before the surgery and the day after, and I'm going to try and keep a clear schedule so that I can be with you guys at the hospital. For now just keep talking, keep leaning on each other and one day we will all look back at this as the easy times."

Matt sat with Maddie resting on his chest, the little girl having fussed from the minute they arrived in the NICU, her father being the only one to have managed to settle her.

"She's a daddy's girl for sure" Gabby mused, looking up from her seat next to him. The new mother having occupied a similar position with her son.

"I think you might be right" Matt smiled, his hand gently tracing up and down his daughters back. "You still feeling okay?" he asked, the man having repeatedly check in with her since they had left the Chaplin's office an hour previous. The two of them having gone to grab a quick lunch before heading up to see their children. Both parents overjoyed to see that Sebastian had indeed come off the CPAP and was doing well without it.

"I'm good I promise." she told him smiling down as Sebastian began to fuss on her, "are you hungry little man?" she asked. "Let Mummy see if we can sort that out yeah, hang on little bud." The little boys fussing was fast becoming low whines as she moved to hand him off to Matt, "I'm going to see if the nurse can bring us everything we need." she said, helping him readjust the blanket that was resting over him and their daughter so that it covered all three of them.

"Okay, best get Mads some too, if Seb's hungry it won't be long until she is."

Matt watched as his wife made her way out of the little room and towards the desk, his focus turning back to his children once she was out of his sight.

"You're the luckiest children you know" he spoke softly, "having a mummy like yours. She's not been doing too well but daddy's trying to help her feel better. I know having cuddles with you two always cheers her up. It cheers daddy up too. I know we have some big things happening soon, but I don't want either of you to be scared, you're going to be just fine. The doctors here, they are the best and I just know that before long we will have you home with us." He watched as his sons little fist tapped against his chest, "I know bud, I know. Mummy's working on it, just give her a few minutes."

He didn't know how he had got so lucky, how he had not only managed to get the best woman in Chicago, but how he'd been blessed with the two most beautiful babies ever. Matt always in awe of them, and every time he looked at them he couldn't quite believe they were his. It felt like a dream, like one of those amazing dreams you never want to wake up from. And he was so so happy that this was his life, and that now and forever the four of them were his perfect little family.

As Sebastian got more restless, Matt's predication of Madeline waking was proven. The two babies crying loudly by the time Gabby returned to the room, a huge smile on her face.

"You okay?" Matt asked, eyeing the supplies in her hand.

"Jose just said that maybe we could try and put Sebbie to the breast" Gabby told him excitedly. "He probably won't feed but she said that it would help him learn to suck, and as he no longer needs the CPAP we could try."

"That's amazing baby."

"Yea" she agreed as she began working on opening up Maddie's ng tube, "she said to try him first and see if he gets anything and then we will give him a top up through his ng."

"Just Seb?" Matt asked watching her work to get the syringe set up.

"Yea for now, she said until Maddie's had her surgery it might be a bit too much for her. Are you good to hold this?" she asked handing him the syringe.

"Yeah of course, do you need any help?"

"No I'm good. I did a lot of research into best positions and stuff so I'm just going to try and put it into practice. Jose said she'd pop in, in a little while and see how I was getting on."

Gabby picked Seb up, settling the little boy in her arms as she made her way back towards her chair. Once settled she got to work adjusting her clothing so that she could get him positioned, all the while Matt's eyes were on her. The man overjoyed to see her so happy.

"Okay little man shall we see if we can work this out?" She spoke softly, her eyes locked with her sons as she worked on getting him latched safely. It took a few attempts and a few different positions but after around five minutes she suddenly looked up, Matt seeing the look of pure endearment as she exclaimed he'd latched.

"I think he's getting the hang of it" she said, her one hand resting on securing the baby to her while her other was gripped on tightly by his little hand.

Matt watched as she feed their son for the first time, the mans heart exploding with every passing moment. Gabby humming softly, her eyes never leaving the tiny child she was holding.

"Is that better little man? Yea that's better isn't it? Your doing so well sweetheart, mummy loves you." She spent the entire time Sebastian fed alternating between whispers of loving phrases and humming. The feeling in the room a contented quiet.

"How are we getting on?" Jose asked poking her head round the door a little while later.

"Good, he seems to be a natural." Gabby replied.

"Good, am I okay?" She asked indicating towards the mother and baby.

"Yes please" Gabby nodded, "any tips or hints I'll take them all."

Jose made her way further into the room, the young nurse making sure to pull the door up behind her as she step inside. Stopping just in front of Gabby and crouching down, her eyes tracing around the baby to inspect his latch.

"He's definitely latched on tightly, does it feel like he's getting anything?"

"I honestly don't know, I think so. I was due to express soon anyway and this side feels less full since he started."

"I think he's probably getting something then." Jose said, pulling upwards slightly on Gabby's chest. The mother wincing slightly as the action caused her nipple to stretch slightly. "Sorry I'm sorry" she said immediately releasing. "I needed a better look on his latch, everything looks great. And you're comfortable with this hold?" She asked indicting towards the across body hold Gabby had on her son.

"Yea we tried a few different positions but this is definitely the most comfortable."

"Okay then, we'll I'd say let him feed for another five to ten minutes and then we'll give him his top up just to make sure. But if you're comfortable to do so you can attempt to feed each time your here and he's hungry. No need to ask permission or anything, just go ahead and feed like you would at home."

"Thank you Jose, honestly. I needed this so much today."

"I'm just glad he got the hang of it so quickly."

"... So tomorrows the day" Shay asked from the other end of the phone. Gabby holding it with her chin as she moved around the kitchen. "How do you feel?"

"Honestly I'm scared Shay. I mean she's been doing so well and I'm struggling to shrug this feeling of something's going to go wrong."

"Well I'll be there right beside you all day, and from what I've heard most of the house have said they're going to pop in throughout the day to check in on you guys."

"They don't have to do that" Gabby told her friend, the brunette not necessarily shocked by the insight to her firehouse families plans. "We don't even know what time she's going down."

"You know they want to be there for you all. And someone's got to make sure you and Casey remember to eat and drink."

"I thought that's why you and Kelly were coming?" She shot back jokingly, lifting the spoon she'd been using to stir the big pot of soup with to her mouth to taste.

"Yeah well I wouldn't be anywhere else babe. Not when one of my family are going through something so big."

"Well we appreciate it. Both of us, more than you know." Gabby said. Moving from the kitchen into the little room just off it she motioned to Matt that dinner was ready, the two of them opting for a lighter meal before an early night.

Gabby had requested they went back up this evening to do Sebastian's final feed, the little boy having become something of a pro in the days that had past since she'd first tried feeding him. And although he was still getting the majority of his meals from the tube, Gabby was thoroughly enjoying the time they spent together when he wasn't too tired to feed directly from the source. Matt however had point blank refused the idea, saying that they had a long day ahead of them and Gabby needed her rest. And while she had pouted about it to begin with she had finally come round to his way of thinking when Jose agreed with him.

"Shay I'm going to have to go, our dinners ready and I'm under strict orders from everyone to have an early night." She said rolling her eyes, Matt throwing her a look as she retreated out the door.

"Alright I'll see you tomorrow."

"Was that Shay?" Matt asked following her into the kitchen.

"Yeah she was just checking in. Wanted to tell me that she'll be at the hospital tomorrow."

"She doesn't have to do that" he responded taking a bowl from her and serving himself some soup.

"I told her that but she was insistent. Said she wouldn't be anywhere else. I didn't have the energy to argue with her, when I know I'd lose anyway."

He gave her a sympathetic look, brushing his hand down her back slowly while she served herself a portion. The two moving towards the table together and sitting down. "You know her hearts in the right place."

"I do, I'm just not sure how up for seeing people I'm going to be tomorrow."

"She'll understand if you don't want to engage with her babe. I'm sure she isn't expecting you to be jumping around the room."

"No I know, I was just hoping to be able to spend as much time with Sebastian as I could while there. But we can't have anyone else in the room, and I'm going to feel obliged to keep going out and making small talk with them." She sighed. "I know I sound ungrateful, and I'm really trying not to but.."

"It's a lot to process and the twins have a way of calming you down that even I don't have the ability of?" He finished for her, her eyebrow raising in amusement.

"How do you read me so well?"

"Years of practise" he smiled, grabbing a bread roll from the plate and working at dipping some into his soup. "Plus I'm the same, a touch from you has always been able to ground me, but there's nothing more grounding than holding our babies in my arms. I figured you were the same." There were a few moments of quiet as the two of them began their meal, Matt grinning up at her as he took another bite. "This is amazing baby, thank you for cooking tonight."

"Your welcome. I'm sorry it's not much, just a simple mushroom soup. But I know it's your favourite."

"It is." He confirmed, the two falling into easy conversation as they ate.

Afterwards they cleaned up, Gabby portioning up the leftovers and placing them in the freezer. It was a hint Cindy had given them, to always cook a bit extra than what they actually needed so that they always had a home cooked meal on hand on those days that they were swamped. Both of them having taken the tip gratefully and made the most of it, their freezer brimming with pre-made meals they could pull out when needed. Alongside the heathy supply of breast milk that Gabby had managed to produce.

"We're going to need a bigger freezer" she joked placing the last Tupperware inside.

"I can sort that if you think we need it. We could put it in the utility room for over flow" Matt said glancing up for his position at the sink.

"Maybe" Gabby responded moving towards him and picking up the dish cloth to dry with. "We may have to but for now let's just see how we go."

"Okay."

I know some of you were worried about Gabby having an eating disorder. I promise I am not going to go full fledged on you with that one, the poor woman has enough going on without that starting to. But as I've written about her having a history with food problems before I think it's right to have it appear here too. Stressfully situations can't spark certain things in someone who's in recovery. Because you are never fully over it, you just learn to cope. However I won't be writing her having more of an issue than she's already spoken about in this chapter. I hope this helped you all understand her thoughts.?

So a few things before I go. Next week and the week after there won't be an update for any of my stories. We are going away and then it is my kids birthday so I will be going off the grid for a little while.

If you haven't already check out my other stories "Saving Stella" and "The road to accountability." I think you'll all like them. Let me know if you've popped over and taken a look, and let me know what you think.

As always guys stay safe, stay kind. And until next time :)