Week Six: Peter & Alicia—Part I
"Have time for a late lunch once this is over?" Peter asked, watching the elevator numbers steadily rise.
"Probably not," replied a distracted Alicia, scrolling through an email on her cell phone. "I have a meeting with Will in a few hours about a case that I can't miss."
"Ahh." He slipped his hands into his trouser pockets and averted his attention back to the ascending numbers.
Offering to pick her up on the way to their afternoon session—being that he would be on her side of town for the day—seemed harmless this morning. In fact, the offer made sense given their progress as of late. It could plainly be equated as a surge in their lines of communication this past week; the simple reasons of staying up to date on their children and agreed upon custody schedule, usually led to other unprecedented conversations. Or so he desired. On one occasion, when he asked about her day, it seemed to be the perfect segue for an additional three minutes to discuss more than the kids. The opportunity was nothing more than a silver lining, reminding him of when he used to call her daily during the afternoons when they lived in Highland Park for the purpose of just checking in. It all seemed like a lifetime ago.
"Maybe another time," she offered. The resigned look on his face made her feel compelled to answer, to soften the declination. This part of her that still felt a need to protect his feelings and keep the peace would never change. Quite frankly it irritated her to some degree.
Locating her phone, she quickly set it to vibrate and breathed a sigh of relief when the elevator doors pinged open, freeing her from the confined space. She didn't want to make this hour more than it needed to be. He caught her off guard when he called while she was in the middle of signing documents earlier. Her focus was too preoccupied to strategically deny his offer. Now, she regretted it.
They briskly made their way towards the door of their therapist office without uttering another word, content with the whirlwind thoughts running through their minds. Just as Peter's hand touched the knob, the door flung open.
"Oh, hello! You two are right on time," said Dr. Lewis, smiling.
"Were you on your way out?" asked Peter.
"Just going to speak with my secretary." He stepped back and widened the doorframe. "Come on in and make yourselves comfortable. I'll be right back."
Peter moved aside, allowing him to walk past. Turning to Alicia, he placed his palm on her lower back to escort her into the room. It was a subconscious act; one he had done countless times. However this time, it was different. The second his hand touched her back, her head jerked to look up at him, a mixture of confusion and surprise morphed onto her face.
He immediately removed his hand. "I'm sorry," he said as they journeyed towards the couch, "habit."
"You don't have to apologize, Peter." Setting her purse down onto the floor, she took her respective seat and situated herself on the cushion. The desire to cross-analyze the simple act threatened to occupy her thoughts. This was the second time he had intentionally touched her since coming to the apartment a few weeks ago. Although small, she still felt…something.
Unbuttoning his blazer, Peter relaxed into the chair and crossed his legs as he exhaled a slow breath. Quiet once again filled their fluctuating void while they patiently waited for Dr. Lewis to return. He couldn't put his finger on it since he picked her up, but her mood had changed. Defensive was the first word that popped into his mind, and the word that fit most.
"So," he started, planting his hand in the space between them, "how do you think this session will go?"
She clasped her hands together and glanced at him. "I don't know. Positive I hope."
"Think we're making progress?"
She shrugged her shoulders, tilting her head from side-to-side. "We're still talking and haven't argued recently. I think those can be considered as progress."
He smiled. "Yeah…and everything else?"
Her brows bunched together at his question, one she didn't necessarily want to probe further. Thankfully, she didn't have to. Adam breezed into the room, ending their own mini session before it had time to begin.
"I am truly sorry. Last minute affairs to settle." He closed the door and strode towards their seated positions, quickly taking his own. Relaxing into the wing-backed chair, he carefully slipped on his glasses. "Well," he smiled fondly and clasped his hands together, "it has been awhile since we've all been in the same room."
"That it has," Peter said with a nod.
"Before we dive into the session, let's take a few minutes to reflect on anything that's happened since our last meeting." He grabbed his notepad and pen. "Have there been any new developments between you two?"
Alicia looked towards her husband, her expression blatantly saying she wouldn't be the one to fill their therapist ears with the past three weeks meanderings of their lives.
"Um," Peter cleared his throat, "our daughter was caught making out with a boy behind the school gymnasium last week. Long story short, we learned our children have been affected by our separation more than we thought."
Adams eyebrows rose. "I see. That is a surprise. But," his hand waved between them, "you two communicate with them about your current arrangement, right?"
"I would say so. I guess we all got into such a pattern that Alicia nor I realized how much they might be hurting."
"Which, I would say is normal," said Adam. "You have a system, and it is working. The important thing is to ensure those channels of discussion remain open at all times, even when you believe things are seamless."
Peter tapped his fingers against the seat and pursed his lips, considering his words. "It may sound crazy, but I believe Grace's little hiccup helped us."
Alicia's head snapped in his direction like a solider called upon by command. Adam made note of the sudden movement.
"How?" he asked, opening his notepad to a fresh page.
Peter stroked his jaw for a moment and thought. "Well, in the past, neither one of the kids has ever done anything like that. So, we've been discussing the importance of their well being more, which…has forced us to talk more than we have in the past few months. I think it has helped us in that regard." He looked towards Alicia. "Do you?"
She swallowed nervously as her gaze shifted between the two of them. Her heart began to race and the room suddenly grew hot as she crumbled under the weight of their eyes. Every time she set foot in this room, she always felt as if she would clam up. Even though her paranoia and avoidance was expected during their first few sessions, she still wasn't sold on the idea of baring their marriage to a complete stranger, regardless if there had been some level of trust and comfort established. In fact, she would probably never take full advantage of the soul baring security during their hour on the fiftieth floor, unlike her husband.
"I think," she cautiously chose her words, "it has. We've spoken over the phone nearly everyday this week about the kids and what's best for them."
Adam rolled the platinum pen between his fingertips. The stagnant progress they recounted was a bit befuddling. Were they not drinking from the same half-full glass they offered to him?
"But these phone conversations never elaborated on your marriage? Or even your therapy sessions?"
"Our conversations are usually never more than five minutes," answered Alicia. "Not enough time to dig deeper."
"Why is that?" he challenged. "Are you two scared of plunging beneath the surface or just content staying in the safe zone when a mediator is not present?"
She looked to Peter who looked back at her, clearly saying he wasn't going to answer, and she knew why. Usually he did try to prolong their daily chats. It was she who abruptly cut them short when he attempted to change the topic to something other than their children.
"I don't know. I guess," she closed her eyes and inhaled a breath, "it's me."
She steeled the arch in her back as she met his gaze fearlessly, ready to confront the bravery of her admittance.
"It is you?" asked Adam. "I am a confused by what you mean."
She licked her lips. "Peter usually calls around lunchtime and I can tell when he wants to talk about more than the kids, but I will end the call when I feel it about to happen."
Adam folded his arms and rubbed the bottom of his lip. Alicia taking fault was new. Very new. He almost didn't know what to make of this development.
"Why do you think you do that?"
"It feels too familiar," she said, beginning to twirl her wedding band.
"Talking on the phone with your husband everyday…like you did during happier times?"
"Yes."
His eyebrows rose in surprise as he quickly jotted down a note. Were the happier times the Florricks fleetingly mentioned truly happy? That was a question he was still hypothesizing, and probably would until their very last session.
"Alicia, your avoidance could stem from the possibility that you are fearful of things reverting back to how they were or that you no longer desire that type of relationship with your husband. Did you feel either way when Peter wanted to prolong the conversations?"
"I just…" she sighed," I don't think I'm ready."
"Ready for what?" asked Peter. She looked at him, her eyes pleading not to dig the shovel deeper into the hole she was burying herself in. "It's not like I'm going to suggest we live together again."
"I know." She tucked her hair behind her ears. "I…I…I'm just not comfortable with us being that way again. Not yet."
He sat up straighter. "It's just talking on the phone, Alicia."
"I understand that. But it turns into more when you begin asking about my day and how are things at work."
"I can't make sure you're doing okay?"
She began to rub her temples. "No."
"Why?" he asked, baffled. "They're innocent questions."
"I didn't mean to say no. Peter, it's just…"
Honestly, she didn't know. Her hands dropped from her temples as she looked at him. It would be difficult to translate how she felt without him getting upset.
"Is it the potential intimacy that scares you, Alicia? The idea of being vulnerable to Peter in that way again?" asked Adam. When she didn't readily answer, he continued. "Sharing your feelings with someone, whether passive or intentional, it opens a door of trust. You trust them to be receptive of your feelings and to respect them in confidence. The trust in your marriage has been broken and it was never properly restored. Any type of intimate act, such as sharing feelings, will cause you to feel dubious and not reciprocal to your husbands' progression."
Peter let his words marinate then exhaled a laugh in disbelief. "Do you still hate me?" he asked Alicia. "Is that why you're keeping this wall between us?"
Adam propped his elbow along the arm of the chair, content to observe them take the seed he planted and continue cultivating the impending harvest.
"No. I never said I hated you."
"But you do, right?"
She looked at him, not a muscle moving on her face. "At one point I did, yes."
He tapped the seat as if it was a buzzer and shook his head. "There we go."
"I don't hate you now," she quickly corrected. "I will always hate what you did to our family, but some of my anger towards you has lessened."
"I can't tell. You flinch when I touch you," he scoffed.
Adam's eyebrows rose high as he shifted in his seat at the revelation.
Alicia dropped her hands in amazement. Is he really hurt from that? "I wasn't expecting you to place your hand on my back. It caught me off guard. That's why I flinched," she stated matter-of-factly.
"I'm your husband, Alicia—"
Husband. A word that held great meaning to her and would always strike a match when he carelessly reminded her he was just that, no matter how much she tried to envision him no longer inhabiting that part of her life.
"So what, Peter?" Her head rolled back in his direction as she faced him. "You get to play that role when it suits you? Since you call me everyday, you now get the privilege to touch me whenever you please, and I'm not expected to react? That's how this is going to work?"
He leaned his head back and closed his eyes. "I wasn't even thinking that."
She fully turned her body to face him now. "Then what were you thinking?"
He laughed. "Nothing…nothing."
Adam took this pause to interject. His client never backed down when his wife challenged him. "If you don't mind me asking, Peter how exactly did you touch her?"
He sat up straighter and exhaled slowly. "When we first walked into the room, I put my hand on her back. I've always done that; a chivalrous act my father taught me. I did it out of habit, as I told her. I didn't think twice of it until she looked at me as if I had burned her."
She scoffed and shook her head. "Now you're just being dramatic."
"Am I? I think Dr. Lewis made a valid point. You're afraid of any intimacy developing between us, or anything developing. You're content with this wall you've re-built and dealing with our issues from afar."
Adam ingested his comment. "That's an interesting observation, Peter. Are you having desires of wanting more from your wife while separated?"
"Not necessarily. I know we're not ready to sleep together." Alicia rolled her eyes. "But I guess…things are beginning to feel more normal between us. At least they were to me."
"So naturally, you felt some of those defensive barriers between you two have diluted?"
"I think so. We can hold a conversation for more than two minutes without it turning into an argument."
Folding his hands together, Adam inhaled a deep breath and nodded. "Which, at this stage of your treatment, is normal. Typically some of the initial tension has alleviated and either one spouse or both begin to have feelings of hope…forgiveness. A desire to progress and relish in that progression."
"Maybe." He sighed deeply. "I know we still have our issues to work through, but I wonder if Alicia will ever be ready for us again."
Adam shifted his attention to the lady of the hour, who had begun counting down the minutes until it was time to go.
"Alicia, would you say you're reluctant towards any type of intimacy with Peter again?" She stared back at him blankly, her lips thinned into a line signaling she wasn't going to readily respond. "Or do you think you can ever trust him again?"
She folded her arms across her chest and shrugged her shoulders. Truthfully, deep down, she was afraid. It was terrifying to offer her heart and soul to him on a silver platter again. But she wasn't going to admit that in this room.
"I don't know," she whispered.
"You don't have to give a concrete answer now. I want you to think about it, because it is expected if you feel doubtful. I believe that you have shut down that part of yourself towards Peter and you're only giving what's needed for the sake of your children. It's going to take some time. And it's going to require both of you being patient and ensuring you're allowing each to have that time."
Neither party said a word as the sound of the clock, continuing its monotonous journey on the wall, filled the cumbersome silence.
However, Peter was stewing. Questions—buried questions—resurfaced in his mind like film rewound. Hearing that she probably didn't trust him and that he hadn't been imagining her distance the past few weeks, set off triggers.
"Is it Will that you would prefer instead?" He regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth. But he couldn't help himself. Her casual mention of the meeting she has to get back to and her standoffish nature since she got in the car still had him perplexed.
She slowly looked in his direction, annoyance settling in her bones. "What?"
"I think you heard me," he said, his voice cutting through the susceptible atmosphere like an axe.
"Peter," she sighed. "Don't make this about Will. He has nothing to do with us."
"I think he does. Since we're on the subject of intimacy, I just want to clear the air. I've wondered about something for awhile."
Inhaling a deep breath, she faced him for a second time, bracing herself for whatever he was about to throw her way. "Okay."
A/N: Shouting a quick thank you to the persons still reading this fic, even though I take light years to update! I'm hoping to update more frequently (again) and hope that you all are still interested to read what's coming! :)