A/N: Guess I can start by saying no, your eyes aren't deceiving you. This is actually an update! In lieu of a lengthy speech and to those that are actually planning to read this, I've decided to finish this darn fic despite how the show ended. I'll always have a special fondness for the Florricks, which has been a driving factor in dusting this off and continuing; that and having a lovely beta to keep me on track! So, I hope you all enjoy what's to come and don't find it too hard to delve back into this little fic of mine. :)
Week Six: Peter & Alicia—Part II
"When we started sleeping in our bedroom again, some nights you didn't seem like you were always…present. Physically, you were. It just felt like your mind was somewhere else at times." He looked her in the eyes, his gaze so intense she was almost fearful to breach contact. She knew what he meant, but never thought he picked up on it. "Were you thinking about him instead?"
She shook her head and quickly looked away. "No."
Flashes from a particular night played in his mind. As he was on top of her, watching to ensure she was enjoying it just as much, it was all but a blow to his ego when he realized her attention was focused on other things. She was so distracted that she didn't realize his body had stilled until he cupped her face to find out what was wrong.
"No?" He challenged her for a second time. "Is that why half the time you turned me down?"
She shook her head again as she knew what he was referring to. The few nights when she came home from long days at work and rejected his flirty innuendos, too tired to do anything more than shower then go to bed. Little did she know her husband's self-esteem was still bruised from those instances.
"The fact that we were sleeping in the same bed did not mean I needed to be submissive to your sexual needs every night. Did it ever occur to you that some nights I just wasn't in the mood?"
"It wasn't every night, Alicia."
"You're right. It was more like every other night."
"I don't recall you complaining." She drew back slightly, stunned. Adam took note, surprised when she didn't readily strike back at the assertion. "When you didn't want to, I did not force you."
"What are you trying to say, Peter?" she asked, exasperated. This game of tit-for-tat quickly wore on her patience. "What's your point in lumping Will into our issues again? I've told you over and over that I am not sleeping with him."
"Remember the night you came home from work late and we showered together?" Her eyes darted towards Adam, who was steadily watching them. She wanted nothing more than to run from the room, away from her husband's vocal candor. "The entire time it felt like you were forcing yourself to be with me, that you couldn't wait for it to be over. I could tell your mind was somewhere else. I just want to know if it was on him."
She felt the warmth fill her cheeks then spread across her face as her palms began to sweat. This…their sex life was still a topic she didn't feel comfortable discussing with anyone but him. Dr. Lewis' stoic silence as he continued to observe them only fueled her budding anxiety.
"No," she whispered. "Each time I'm with you, I'm never thinking about another man."
Peter's eyes squinted as he clued in to her nearly expressionless face, trying to gauge whether her statement was genuine. He used to be good at reading her emotions and body language. Now, he couldn't tell when she was lying.
"Okay." He leaned back in the chair, resigned. "I won't ask you about him anymore."
Adam's focal scrutiny drifted from Peter to surveil Alicia a minute more. Her eyes were downcast, and fingers incessantly fiddling with the few rings adorning her left hand. Without a doubt she was embarrassed, but he wondered himself if her response was true or a pacification to avoid another verbal duel.
He cleared his throat and spoke, breaking the deafening silence. "Peter, your fear of Alicia having an inappropriate relationship with her boss has been a present issue since the first session. Most men tend to feel reassured of their masculinity through sex. Is the lack of intimacy between the two of you causing you to continuously doubt Alicia's fidelity?"
Peter shrugged, contemplating the proposition a few seconds. "Perhaps. Our sex life was something that I never worried about."
"Until now," said Alicia.
"Un-til now."
The bite in his tone infuriated her. She couldn't resist striking back. "The idea of me cheating, you can't stomach. But you still slept with other women."
His eyes slammed shut as he inhaled then exhaled a slow, steady breath. "Yes, I did and as I've told you before, it meant nothing! I always wanted you, my wife."
"When they weren't available."
Pinching the bridge of his nose, Peter leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. "Alicia," he stressed, "let's bury this now. I cheated. I had affairs. There, I've said it for the millionth time." He looked at her as if he was pleading for his life. "What is it going to take for you to just let it go?"
"When you quit pointing this double-edged sword at me and realize that maybe you're not the only one entitled to screw up in this marriage."
Peter had nothing more to say. Leaning back against the cushion, he rubbed the base of his neck as he stared straight ahead, choosing to accept defeat on this argument. Likewise, she turned away from him and waited for Adam to take control. She could not and would not ever forget and bury that betrayal. Never.
"Let us expand more on your sexual relationship," said Adam. "Alicia, I know Peter's infidelities is still a tough pill for you to swallow. But according to what he shared, you two have been intimate since learning of his allegations." He propped his elbow along the arm of the chair and eyed her over the bridge of his glasses, mentally preparing for the battle that always ensued when they discussed this theme. "How did it make you feel to be with him again?"
She closed her eyes and sulked into the corner of the seat, feeling her energy deplete by the minute. "I'd rather not discuss this."
"Why not?" blurted Peter. He was growing tired of her being partially present during their sessions and tired of being the one to share all and readily converse on the tough issues. This required efforts from them both.
Her head slowly pivoted in his direction, mouth agape. "Because he's not a sex therapist! I don't see the purpose in discussing that part of our marriage with him," she sniped.
"Alicia," interjected Adam, "I am not inquiring about this aspect of your relationship to pass time. Sex is an integral part of any marriage and an important factor in how couples connect. From what I gather, you feel it is sacred and should only be shared between you two, not privy to an outsider. I understand that completely. However, that boundary was broken. Whether you feel differently or the same as you always have when intimate with your husband, it is okay to say in this room. I only want to ensure you both reach maximum happiness in every facet of your marriage. Including sexually."
A heavy sigh passed her lips. She was convinced this was a test she would fail. The very issue she was afraid of discussing had landed in her lap and she didn't know how to rid of it. Glancing at Peter, who didn't bother meeting her shy gaze, his words began to sink in. Maybe he was right. Maybe he was trying to make it right and she was albeit saying no.
Crossing her legs, she folded her hands together and closed her eyes for a brief second before opening them to lock on her awaiting therapist.
"Our first time," she softly began, "after he came home from prison…it was just sex. I ignored my anger towards him and…we just had sex…in the maid's room. That was very different for me. I knew I was with my husband, but he didn't feel like my husband."
Adam quickly jotted a note, noticing how she looked to Peter for a second time, waiting for him to interrupt her monologue. Still, he remained mute, staring out the large windows.
"Afterwards, I could tell Peter thought things would go back to normal and I realized I wasn't ready for that so soon." Now she could feel her husband's stare burning a hole through her; goosebumps decorated her forearms in seconds as she licked her lips, forcing herself to continue. "Then, when we began sleeping in our bed again months later, it wasn't a simple adjustment. It was tougher."
"How long did you sleep in separate beds once you were living in the same household again?" asked Adam, pen poised to paper.
"About seven months."
"Were you two intimate in addition to the first time during that arrangement?"
Peter continued to study her profile, choosing not to engage unless called upon whilst wondering just how far she would go on the subject. Her sustained participation was a surprise to both men.
"Yes, a few times."
"Only in that room?"
Adam leaned his head to the side and began stroking his temple while attempting to mentally piece together the larger pieces of the puzzle she purposely did not voice.
Alicia licked her lips nervously. "Mostly. But never in our bed."
"What was different between having sex in another room of your home versus your shared bed?" Adam asked.
She swallowed tears threatening to rise from the bottom of her throat. "The memories. We created our daughter in that bed…we celebrated anniversaries." She leaned forward and reached for a tissue, balling it in her fist. "One night I was reminded of how he used to come home late from work and we would…have sex. All we said sometimes was, "Hey" and then we would just…"
Her throat grew dry and tongue felt laden with each sentenced confession. Peter saw her visible struggle to remain composed and forthright, feeling both proud and unease. With all his might, he resisted the impulse to chime in and add his two cents. Although they typically had no issues discussing likes and dislikes on this matter, it was as if he was learning a new side of her.
She continued, "Many nights I couldn't fall asleep because while he laid next to me, I would think about our life back then. Wondering if he often had sex with them before me. If that was why he came home and reached out for me…to justify his guilt." Her lower lip began to tremble as she fought to preserve her composure for a second time in this room. "Even now, I wondered whenever we were together if he envisioned another woman's body." She dabbed the corner of her eye, catching a tear before it fell. "It was hard to quiet those thoughts during the past few months."
"Babe," said Peter, his tone gentle, "you know I love your body." He reached for her hand but she snatched it away.
"What did they have that I didn't, Peter?"
"Nothing." He closed his eyes and sighed. "They were nothing special."
"Obviously they were." She couldn't stop the slow tear that trickled down her cheek.
Adam rolled his pen between his index fingers and let Alicia's oration marinate for a minute. Listening to them revert back to their routine disagreement, he found it somewhat humorous, certain that once they eventually parted ways to never visit this room again, they would still have piddling fights about prostitutes.
"Peter, Alicia brings up a valid question. I know you mentioned your infidelities stemmed from the temptations of your previous position and Alicia's grief causing that part of her to be unavailable to you. But to completely clear any lingering suspicions, was that truly all it was?"
"Yes. I just…needed an outlet. It was wrong, but it's true. When Alicia and I were back on the same page, I stopped. Then things got ugly."
Alicia shook her head and looked into the ceiling, not completely believing him, even if it was true.
"You sucked the toes of a hooker!"
"I didn't suck her toes. That video was false. Just like those pictures."
"Be honest with me, Peter."
"I am being honest. I don't have a fetish you don't know about."
She sharply turned her head, unable to look at him. Months of being tormented by the shadows of his affairs came rushing back. The recollection caused a bout of nausea to swirl in the pit of her stomach as she repressed the urge to flee the room.
"Peter," began Adam, intent on reeling them back in, "how does it make you feel to hear Alicia's viewpoint on your intimate relationship?"
"I guess…she confirmed some suspicions I had, but I'm also a little confused."
"Why confused?"
"I know my wife, and could tell once I came home and we finally had sex, it wasn't the same." He tentatively glanced her way; she was looking in the opposite direction, avoiding both their gazes. "I knew she was still angry so I expected some differences. I mean, it was the same as usual to some degree, but it felt like something was missing. And not necessarily in a negative way. Alicia and I were always great physically. That was never an issue, and even now, I wouldn't say it is. It's just…not like before."
She slowly pivoted her head back in his direction and centered on him, a thin film of red coating her orbs. "How was I before?" she whispered.
His eyes begged her not to make him answer this question.
"Hmm? Was I not wild enough?" Her voice trembled as she spoke. "Not adventurous enough?"
"Alicia, you're the best lover I've ever had. There's nothing more to say."
"Obviously there is. By all means, please share with me your satisfactions and dissatisfactions so that we can make sure you won't seek prostitutes again."
Chuckling, he decided to give her what she wanted. He sat up straighter and clasped his hands together, seeming as if he was about to deliver one of his rehearsed speeches.
"You're more…" He struggled to find the right words. "More…passionate now than before. Not that you weren't in the past, but recently, you've seemed more into it." He glanced at Adam briefly, appearing to ask for help. "I'm not sure how to properly describe it."
Her head tilted to the side as she digested his words. "So…that means you're satisfied with the new me in bed?"
The sarcasm in her voice struck his calm demeanor like wrought iron being thrust into molten coals. "Damn it, Alicia, stop trying to twist my words! I love your body and I love having sex with you. Always have." He turned to face her on the seat, his tone drastically softened. "I love you."
Her eyes fluttered at his words, wanting to believe and feel them. The longer their gaze remained locked, the quicker the match she had lit faded to black. Two years had passed since his infidelities came to light and a small part of her was still torn on feeling sexually wanted, and plain wanton. Each time they had sex, those insecurities never paled, regardless of how hard she wished them to.
"Alicia, do you think you will ever see only yourself in Peter's eyes again?"
"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Peter, the evident annoyance in his voice piercing their minefield atmosphere even more.
"Well," Adam glazed over a few key points from his notes, "as Alicia stated, it is still difficult for her to forget your infidelities when joining as one. Once deeply rooted betrayal has occurred in a relationship, with time, it is often easier to forgive, rather than forget." He looked between the two of them, thinking of how best to sum up the delicate progress they were making. "Based upon what I have collected from our sessions so far, is prior to your affairs coming to light, Alicia was confident she was the only woman that held your attention. Then one day, unexpectedly, it was revealed there were other women that did the same. It is never easy for a spouse—especially the wife—to accept and dismiss that verity. There will always be a seed of doubt…a competition with the shadows."
Peter raked a hand through his hair as he looked to his wife, trying to simmer the reeling thoughts birthed from the unexpected and unwanted sagacity Adam shared.
"I'm never thinking about them when we're…together," he said. "Nor when we're not. All I want is you. No one else."
She exhaled a slow breath. "As you keep saying."
"Do you believe me?" he asked, stupefied.
She slowly looked his way, memorizing the slight desperation and irritation etched into the natural contours of his face.
"I…I don't know. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't." She briefly glanced down at her wedding band, remembering the precise moment when he slipped it on her finger. Never in her dreams did she envision she would reach a point in life where she would debate taking it off…for good. "I don't have a switch to flip when I want to forgive or forget. I just need time, Peter."
He nodded, choosing to respect her answer, hoping that she reached the day of forgiving and forgetting sooner than later.
An unpredicted peaceful quietude filled the room as Adam contained a smile at their small conquer of not only hearing, but listening to the other. His eyes darted towards the clock on the wall, further pleased that their hour was up and would end on a neutral note; a stark contrast from their usual highly charged sessions.
"Ah, well, with all that we've shared today, unfortunately we must stop here as our allotted hour has ended. Was there anything else either of you wanted to add on the subject matter?"
They quickly shook their heads.
"Okay," he folded his hands together, "I believe we now have some clarity on the apprehension revolving around your sexual relationship. That facet of your marriage was normal before and can be normal again. It is merely the challenge of reestablishing that trust and honesty, which often connects a couple mentally, emotionally, and especially physically."
"But how?" Peter gruffly asked. "We're obviously in two different places in retrospect to our marriage. How do we find the middle ground to progress forward?"
Adam smiled warmly, pleased to hear Peter's outspoken curiosity for guidance. "I am actually glad you asked. I think it's time we tried another exercise before your session next week." He glanced down at his notes briefly. "The hard issues have been voiced and we are still actively trying to reach some form of closure. But I think now is the time to act on this progression. Try meeting for coffee or breakfast on the weekend without the kids, or whatever activity sparks your interests. Simply do something that ignites discussion and allows time to be spent together enjoying each other's company. I believe you two need to be reminded of what that is like now that most of the anger has simmered."
"I tried inviting her to lunch after our session today," Peter stated as Alicia rolled her eyes.
Adam's brows rose in intrigue. "Oh?"
"And I've already said that I can't, Peter. I have a meeting at work to rush to once I leave here."
"Well, how about tomorrow?" Adam suggested. "Perhaps one day later in the week?"
Receiving no feedback, he closed his notebook and laid it on the table, inhaling a calm breath.
"All I am asking is that the both of you make a conscious effort and clear your schedules to have time together. You do not have to mull over the details with me, but do choose a public venue or attraction. The first outing is always easier when you are in public. I will also ease the pressure and clarify this exercise is not considered a date." He immediately looked to Alicia, smiling when he saw her bunched shoulders visibly relax at his words. He was fairly certain she was the most nervous between them about this proposed task. "The only purpose is getting familiar with one another again and taking the first steps in rebuilding your foundation."
Peter stroked his chin, considering his words for a moment. "I'm willing to do that."
Adam looked to his most challenging patient. "Alicia, are you also willing to meet Peter halfway?"
The seconds ticked by which felt like hours to her. She looked from her therapist and finally to her husband, distracting himself by checking his phone. More than likely he was purposely avoiding looking her way after being reminded of her previous rejection.
"Yes. I'm willing to schedule something for this weekend."
"Great! That is really…great," Adam said, smiling widely. "I hope you two have a nice rest of the week and I very much look forward to hearing a solid report on this exercise."
He watched as they slowly rose from the couch and gathered their belongings, not saying more than, "Goodbye" before they departed. He wished the best and hoped that next week, there truly would be progress to share.