Crackling and spitting filled the void created by silence. A hand was outstretched palm-up atop a nearby desk. The arm attached was dressed in a black sleeve. A ravenette head rested upon the arm. The person pressed their cranium's weight against the arm with their forehead as they rocked their skull from side to side.
By the black figure's side were two bottles of alcohol; one was empty, the other was only empty halfway.
The crumpled heap of a man turned his head to the side and exposed his profile to the world. Professor Severus Snape, the Potions Master, looked very worse for wear. As morning light found its way through the drapery (somehow…), Severus focused on one spot. As he allowed his conscious mind to become a vegetable, Severus was fixated on the ancient wallpaper. It was peeling, telling its age, and the morning sunlight glistened off of the old, beige glue that was underneath.
Flicks of red hair danced in Severus' mind's eye. Like fingers, the fiery tendrils wriggled and writhed within his view.
The dancer is blind from all the candlelight.
Then she was dead.
She chokes.
Her body collapsed before him. Completely lifeless. Again.
A tear ran down his one exposed cheek as he pictured her limp corpse in his arms.
Shaking away the plaguing thoughts, Severus leaned back in his chair. His head lolled to the side. Spotting the half dranken Jameson Irish Whiskey, Severus's hand moved to pour himself another shot.
Taking back the liquor in one gulp, Severus slammed down the glass on the wooden surface as he coughed from the burn (and not having any chaser).
Trying his best to clear his mind once again, Severus focused on the sharp, spitting, crackling fire.
Severus winced as familiar - fatal - urges came back to him. The yearning for the deadly, yet welcoming, silence of the darkness. His hands rose to either side of his head. He wept as he rocked his body from side to side.
Back and forth. Left and right.
He was used to these… feelings… being accompanied by thoughts of Lily, but they weren't.
What is worth fighting for?
This time his mind was on Agnes. Her face danced in and out of view. The absences of Agnes were filled with Lily running away from him before turning to beam her beautiful smile.
Agnes's tearfilled eyes haunted him. Lily's crimson strands flowed before him - almost close enough to touch.
Your dancer's still there, but will you ever try to cope?
In frustration, Severus folded his arms and dropped his head over the wooden surface below him. He groaned in agony as Agnes's memories plagued him. All of those times that she had seen him cry in the dungeons… without him knowing. He had thought that he had been alone. He should have been alone. Alone and safe to let out his pain. But he hadn't been alone. He never was alone. Someone else knew. Someone else saw how those damn Marauders got to him; how they affected him so. And it humiliated him, while, at the same time, … comforted him? Comfort… this feeling confused him the most. Very rarely had Severus felt this… comfort. It was even more confusing to be comforted by, in Severus's eyes, having your privacy violated.
What if… we could live a better life?
Agnes Blackwood… Agnes had been hiding a similar pain for almost as long as Severus had - has. He remembered her approaching him under that great tree in the courtyard. He remembered the many times she tried to strike up conversation with him. He remembered giving up and finally joining in with her conversing.
He remembered her revealing her pain to him of the love she felt for him. The very same pain that Severus felt whenever he had seen Lily together with James Potter. A love that he, Severus, unfortunately did not return. Right?
Severus grabbed hair from both sides of his head in fistfuls and slammed his elbows on his desk.
What if… we could live a better life?
Though fighting them, the thoughts of "what if?" filled his head.
What if… he did love Agnes? After all, they had done the deed. Drunken words are sober thoughts… right?
Heaven is inviting
But he will always love Lily. Regardless of the fact he and Agnes had "made love." He will always love Lily. Even after all this time. Always.
Right?
He who enters will find that no one is there to embrace.
Severus shook his head in his frustration.
"This mystery tends to never want to die…"
Go, man. Go to her, his drunken state seemed to whisper. What if?
A silhouette of a woman's form laid upon the surface of a bed. The woman groaned as her calico cat rubbed her feline nose against the owner's hand
"What is it, Beatrice?"
The cat only meowed in response. Rubbing her furry body against her master's head, Agnes's ear was invaded by the vibrative sound of Beatrice's obnoxious purring.
The energy to get up out of bed never came to Agnes. Neither did the bitter-sweet embrace of sleep. her thoughts were heavy. Heavy of nothing other than Severus Snape.
If I should see you again… would your eyes follow mine?
If I should touch you again… would you manage to lose your mind… again?
Beatrice meowed once more and booped Agnes's hand with her fuzzy face. Agnes ignored the cat. The calico folded her ears back in annoyance. She meowed louder. Agnes did nothing. Beatrice, disgusted, turned her gaze away from the witch. She was just trying to lift her master's spirits. If nothing else, Beatrice would have appreciated at least a little bit of attention.
Alas, Agnes was too distracted with her destructive thoughts.
If you won't be there for me, I will be there for you. Whenever you call.
Or I could let my heart be broken… Let nature take its course.
But if I were to kiss you again, would your lips part from mine?
Agnes smiled as she approached Severus. Severus watched the woman before him with extreme caution. Then, to Snape's horror, Agnes shifted her weight to her tiptoes as she moved in to kiss him.
Snape, repulsed by the witch's gesture, took an abrupt step back. Disgusted, and glaring daggers in Agnes's direction, he turned away to make his exit.
Yes. Yes they would.
If I were to feel you again, would your heart race like mine?
Agnes remembered the night of the Hogwarts Christmas party. She remembered how Severus actually carried a conversation with her while they sat at the bar. She thought that she remembered Severus… trying to flirt with her? she remembered the night she and Severus had shared.
She remembered, unfortunately, how humiliated and ashamed she felt when Severus stormed out of the room upon realizing what they had done.
"This is the end."
Beatrice jumped out of startlement from her master's sudden spoken words.
"He had made a mistake. That is all."
Agnes turned her head to face her feline companion. "I just need to learn to leave the poor man alone, Beatrice."
A loud, crashing commotion sounded from the doorway. Beatrice jumped off the bed with a mew. The feline placed herself between her master and the intruding shadow.. The cat arched her back and hissed; her fur had plumed and her tail resembled a bottle brush.
Now in a seated position, Agnes turned her gaze to the dark form. Squinting from the lack of light in the room, Agnes was greeted by the sight of Severus. His weight was balanced by a chair standing on only two of its legs (thanks to Snape).
Agnes stood and stared at the man with her mouth agape in shock.
"I… didn't mean to break your… well, let's nevermind that. No… it isn't the end. You don't need to hold back anymore."
Agnes's staring continued. "Wha- Wait, what?"
"If it were the end, Blackwood, we wouldn't be so distraught. Or… would we? How does any of us know what love is? By Merlin's Beard, what is love?"
Silence settled over the room as Severus became drowned in thought and Agnes gawked at this strange professor.
"Tell me, Blackwood," Severus said. "What would you pay for love? How… would one know… love?"
Agnes was too confused to answer. This wasn't like Severus at all! She wondered what could have gotten into him.
Agnes watched as Severus sauntered clumsily to sit next to her atop the bedside. The bed shook violently from his weight hitting the surface of the mattress.
Then the smell hit Agnes's nose. The tell-tale stench of alcohol.
He's bloody drunk! That bastard!
"We could let our hearts be open," Severus spoke. "Let nature take its course? See what happens?"
Agnes forced out a laugh. "Right…" Agnes's neck became massively itchy at that moment.
"Well, Snape, I personally believe that we should both get some rest. It's obvious to me that you've had a long, stressful night; and we need to start preparing for the students' return over the course of this upcoming week."
Agnes came to a stand. Grabbing his arm, she coaxed Severus to his feet as well and began leading him to the exit.
"The sun's already up and you look as though you haven't slept a wink! You should go and sleep off that alcohol."
The brunette witch gently pushed the Potions Master out into the corridor.
"If you wish to continue this discussion, I'm afraid we'll have to do so once you are sober."
Once she had said her piece, Agnes slammed the door closed and enchanted it with a locking spell. Her back leaned against the hard, cold wood as she slid her body down to the floor. Agnes propped her elbows atop her folded knees and held her face within her hands.
Finally feeling the adrenaline levels dropping, Agnes shook her head and excreted a sigh.
Author's Note: Once again, as usual, so sorry for the hiatus… lots of stuff. Depression; laziness; the damned terrible twos (and myself having a short temper); getting a damned factory job; getting an allergic reaction to said job and developing an upper respiratory infection…. quitting that job today due to it...
So… yeah… I'm so glad that I'll have more time now. Maybe I will be able to update more.
Maybe my son will stop acting out and acting like a damned fool…
Maybe I will go a day without being completely pissed off at everything? o.o
Maybe the world shall never know.
~ DJ-Kyoto