Week Eight

"This is different," noted Peter, trailing behind Alicia into their therapist office.

After he turned to close the door, they stood by the entryway, taking a minute to survey the slight modification of the nostalgic environment in which their marriage had resurrected like a phoenix from ashes. The usual grouping of furniture within the designated seating area was sparse. Only three pieces strategically placed remained: two accent chairs and Adam's usual wing backed chair.

The seasoned counselor looked their way, a welcoming smile spreading across his face as he beckoned them to leave their timid stance and step into the unfamiliar territory. Grabbing his notepad and pen, he treaded down the short steps towards the area they now occupied, still surveying, perplexity mixed with confusion masking their faces.

"Yes, this area was altered," said Adam. "I rearranged the furniture for an exercise. We will start the session differently today."

Reaching them, he stood in front of his appointed chair then swayed out his hand in a manner of invitation to the two empty facing chairs.

Their safety net of a sofa was nowhere in sight.

"Pick a chair and make yourselves comfortable."

Alicia eyed Peter nervously before doing as asked. She took the initiative and set her purse down beside one of the chairs then slowly lowered herself onto the cushion. Watching him settle in the chair opposite her, nervous jitters began to rattle her bones at the possibility of having to face him the entire session. She much preferred the missing sofa, even though they typically sat on opposite ends of the furniture. Their attention was called forward, instead of on each other; and they respected the intentional space they created between them along the hand woven linen, only crossing that invisible drawn line when needed, depending on the tone of their session. But this, this setup said they were going to confront the hard issues and deal with them before they left this room today.

"If I may ask, what is the point of this? Us facing each other?" asked Peter.

"I am glad you asked." Adam settled in his chair and leaned back, looking at them both when he spoke. "The purpose of this exercise is to further build on the discussed weak aspects of your relationship: intimacy, trust, and forgiveness. For four minutes, you both will practice what is simply called eye gazing. During the allotted time, you will stare into each other's eyes without breaking contact. The goal is to relax, keep your minds open and hone in on any feelings that you feel about each other or your marriage, which we can discuss after."

Clearing his throat, Peter dropped his clasped hands between his gaped legs and shook away the tension in his shoulders as he smirked in Alicia's direction.

"Sounds pretty intense."

"It can be, actually. Former couples I have treated that completed this exercise likened it to a breakthrough for their relationship."

"A simple eye gaze cure," joked Peter.

Alicia licked her lips and crossed her legs. Steeling her posture against the back of the chair, she looked his way, mentally preparing herself for whatever may come from these four minutes.

"Alright. Are you ready?" asked Adam.

"Yes," they said in unison.

"Okay, here we go."

Setting the timer, he relaxed back in his chair, pen poised to paper, primed to document what he was sure to be their most challenging session thus far.

Thirty seconds ticked by…

Peter wanted to look away.

Regardless of how beautiful he thought his wife appeared before him in a tailored royal blue, three-quarter-sleeve knee length dress with a pattern he couldn't describe accentuating her small waist, he wanted to look away. Her gaze was too great. Once Adam started the timer, he was sure she'd be the first between them to break. Instead, she remained poised and ethereal, her almond-shaped green eyes seeming to pierce his soul. The temptation to look way but also not wanting look away was a battle.

Barely a minute in and the magnitude of the exercise was affecting him. He had to lighten the mood, deter those thoughts swarming in his mind he often wondered on nights he had difficulty falling asleep. Thoughts about her. About him. About their future.

True to his nature, he started to wiggle his brows in a playful manner, smiling when he saw her respond by stifling a chuckle. That was the thing about them, something he could always count on. No matter the circumstance, they could always make light of a situation and joke around, never losing their sense of humor; a testament they were friends before they became lovers. But as the seconds continued to elapse, the short-lived playfulness faded to those repressed thoughts.

His conscious began to reel from when he first laid eyes on her, to a host of firsts he experienced with her thereafter.

Their wedding day.

The day he passed the Illinois bar.

The birth of their children.

The purchase of their dream home.

The day he was sworn into the State's Attorney office.

The gut-wrenching days they suffered unexplainable losses.

He didn't expect to feel the sudden onslaught of emotions now coursing through him, stemming from past and present. Staring back at her, he wondered if she could see him battling his internal vortex…curious if she felt the same…

Two minutes…

Alicia saw the slight change in his demeanor and wanted to run from the room. The shift in his eyes told her that things were about to take a direction she wasn't prepared for. The pull to look anywhere else but at him was strong. Very strong.

Swallowing a nervous gulp, she held his gaze, allowing the emotions she was desperately trying to keep in check, consume her wholly. The very moment he stopped making light of their situation, was when she got scared. She couldn't disregard the bottled feelings: the ones that constantly left her teetering on the edge of past, present, future and the unknown.

Her love for him, her anger at still loving him, her disappointment, and so much more, swirled in a ball of conception and filled her mind. She was powerless to control them.

Yet, they weren't all negative in nature.

She briefly thought of when he surprised her last week in dropping by her office for lunch, and how they had what she would describe as a moment of growth thereafter.

They got into a petty argument that stemmed from her overly dissecting the sight of him chatting with the receptionist while he waited for her to meet him in the lobby. As soon as they arrived at the restaurant, his comment on her advanced sour mood ignited a smear of words. Specifically about his infidelities, which segued into her jealousy, as well as showcasing his own upon his enmity at seeing Will in stride beside her when she entered the lobby.

"He caught me on the way up to meet you, Peter. He was checking in about a malpractice suit I'm on. He's my boss, we work in the same building. There was nothing more to what you saw today," she said with a roll of her eyes.

He narrowed his gaze on her, taking a minute to suppress the urge of pouring gas on this overfamiliar fire with trivial questions. Dr. Lewis' voice resounded in his head at that moment, reminding him of leaving issues in the past.

"I wasn't thinking there was more," he said cautiously. She looked at him, an incredulous expression plastered on her face. "I told you, I let that go. I meant it when I said that, Alicia."

He braced an elbow on the table and angled his body to face her in the booth. "I trust you. Why can't you do the same?"

"I'm trying, Peter," she spat.

He smirked, reaching for his glass of water. "If this is you trying, is it even worth it?"

Her anger faltered at his words.

"The time we spent together last weekend at the lake with the kids…was any of it worth it for you? Or does it all come back to who I slept with and where?"

She looked down at her lap, slightly ashamed of letting the heat of the moment get the best of her when she asked details of his escapades.

"Of course it was worth it." Inhaling a shaky breath, she looked to him, purposely avoiding her eye contact as he perused the menu. He was done with this topic; his behavior right now said so. But still, she just wanted to know one thing.

"Peter, if things were different between us back then, do you think you still would have…?"

He slowly set down the menu, releasing a tired sigh.

"We can't rewrite the past, Alicia. We were both damaged. We were both hurting. We coped with the changes in our lives back then in different ways." He turned to face her. "I can apologize until I'm blue in the face but that won't change the facts of what happened. What will and has changed is that I learned from those actions. Greatly. I felt what it was like to almost lose the three people in my life that mean more to me than anything. I don't want to feel that again. And I'll never put us or our family at risk like that, ever again." He reached for her hand, squeezing it. "I promise."

She felt and heard the sincerity in his tone, knowing he meant everything he just said. Knew that every apology and confession he's offered since their lives flipped upside down, he meant.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I don't want to feel this way and I don't want to think those thoughts every time you're around another woman, Peter, but—"

"I know. I'm the reason you're this way."

Her heart softened at his admittance. "You're right. I need to make more of an effort to move forward."

It was a start. To burying past issues and moving forward. Their conversation was a start.

They had engaged in petty bickering and ended on a common ground, agreeing to table said issue for no future discussions and sealing that growth with a kiss, along with a promise from him that it would be just her for the rest of their lives.

"Only you," he whispered before pressing his mouth onto hers.

Something changed in her that day, something she didn't understand until now as her eyes bore into his. As they were nearing what she guessed was the three-minute mark, she felt that womb clenching tug as she did on that day last week, specifically that night when he called her just to talk. While cradling the phone to her ear, smiling at one of his jokes, she felt a tug of…

More.

Something deeper and stronger.

It swarmed in the pit of her stomach and tingled the tips of her toes.

An indescribable feeling she had not felt towards him in a long time surfaced in what felt like an instant. Without warning. She thought she'd felt it when watching him with the kids while they were at the lake house. Or felt it during one of their moments alone in each other's arms.

Maybe she did, and was in denial.

Sitting across from him, with that tug pulling every string of her heart and strumming the pit of her soul, there was no denying that current of love which still flowed through her heart for only him.

Three minutes…

Their gazes remained locked, the intensity ballooning by the seconds. Thoughts of life without her filled his mind, while thoughts of starting over and a future with him, scared her.

They were both scared.

But their eyes said they were finally ready to begin this much, anticipated journey. Almost five months of therapy had prepared them for this moment.

Everything that happened in the past few years, needed to happen. They had lost their way those years ago, and under extreme circumstances, had found their way back to one another. Now, their future was bright, and in reach. Waiting for them to grab at any moment.

Three minutes and forty-five seconds…

"Is it weird yet?" Peter whispered, breaking their emotionally jarring silence.

She flashed a soft smile, raising her eyebrows in question.

Before he could say more, the timer went off.

"Well, congratulations on completing that." Adam set the digital timer to the side and pressed his hands together, hovering them below his chin as he observed them intently. "Now is the fun part. It does not matter who goes first, but do share how you felt, positive or negative. As well as any pressing thoughts."

Surprisingly, though the exercise was over, their gazes remained glued. Neither daring to break contact. Adam noted this subtly with great pride.

"For me," began Peter, "I felt how much I still love my wife. How I've fallen in love with my wif—you—again." Alicia shifted within her chair at his focused gaze, one that said he was speaking to only her now, as if they were the only two in the room. "And I felt how I need you still, and don't want to screw this up again."

Her eyes fluttered at his words, a lump becoming lodged in her throat. She broke their trance like gaze and looked to Adam, wanting his direction after such a powerful non-verbal exercise that left her feeling vulnerable and emotionally exposed. Seeing him only stare at her in return, she knew she would have to press forward, alone.

"I…felt angry." She paused, waiting for any sign of rejection or retaliation from her husband. His even posture exhibiting understanding and support encouraged her to continue. "I felt hurt, disappointment…" She bit her lower lip, her head tilting to the side. "…and love. I remembered when I first fell in love with you. How happy I was and how safe I felt when with you. You were home."

Her lips pursed as she rapidly blinked away budding tears. "You are still home."

Adam scribbled down a quick note, allowing them an additional minute for elaboration. Surprisingly, their eyes were still fastened, in a manner that appeared as if they forgot he was seated less than a foot away. This was a first. Usually couples were relieved when they were no longer forced to stare into the others eyes. But these two couldn't stop.

"Now," he gently began, "while continuing to hold your gaze, say one thing specifically you love about the other."

Peter inhaled a deep breath, keeping with the pattern and going first. "I love how you support me without…reservation. Even when you don't agree with whatever I'm pursuing or standing for, you are always that one person in my corner. Cheering me on."

This time, he reached out for her hand, looping her pinky with his own.

She glanced down at their loosely joined hands, a gleam from their wedding bands catching her eye. A somber smile decorated her lips as she thought of the day they presented each other with the symbolic jewelry.

"I love how you love us…how you protect our family. I know that no matter what comes our way, you will always protect us and get us through it."

Adam eyed them closely, beginning his mental timer for the moment he'd been pushing them towards during past sessions, in which they were about to unknowingly seize.

"And now, forgive each other for one thing."

The mood in the room instantly shifted. Adam felt it, as did the confirmation on their faces when they sharply turned to look his way, shock and confusion screaming back at him.

Peter's face went blank as he stared at his wife. He didn't want to be the first for this one. Nor did he need to be. They both knew this solely relied on her.

Alicia swallowed repeatedly, her throat suddenly feeling compressed. She looked away from their scrutinizing gazes for a fleeting second before matching Peter's unwavering eyes. Forgiveness. Time was her previous answer, but Adam had cleverly not allotted the time she thought she needed.

"I don't know," she whispered, a swarm of tears filling her eyes.

"You don't know what?" Peter inquired, his tone soft. This time, he fully covered her small hand within his own.

"I don't know if I can forgive…"

Her lower lip trembled as she stared into his sunken eyes. Peter immediately was brought back to that horrible day in their kitchen. An unforgettable day that changed everything. The look in her eyes right now mirrored when they faced each other on opposing ends of the kitchen island and he confirmed the rumored allegations circulating his name.

That time and the deeply pained expression now resonating in her eyes for a second time would haunt him for the rest of his life.

Leaning forward into the space between them, he squeezed her hand, willing her to overcome this small feat.

It was too much; the weight of this moment was too much. Alicia wanted to flee, yet an unforeseen power kept her riveted to the chair. She knew this needed to transpire. Months of give and take. Months of listening and acknowledging. Months of breaking down and putting back together again. Every session, every argument, every touch and kiss, had led to this very moment.

Closing her eyes, she dropped her head slightly, fighting to keep tears at bay.

"I can't. Not today," she hoarsely whispered.

"Why not?" asked Adam. "What is holding you back from telling Peter one thing you forgive him for?"

They both knew the answer to this question. It wasn't just one thing. It was many things. The mountain of inflicted pain she needed to forgive him for left her feeling numb. Much like how she felt many months after he went to prison.

She slowly lifted her head and looked at her husband.

"Say it to him, Alicia," Adam encouraged. He could see she was right there, on the cusp of inciting both their healing. "Tell your husband why you are unable to forgive him."

Her lower lip began to quiver uncontrollably as she stared back at him. A surge of pain rocked her to the core, like an unexpected punch to her gut. She resisted the impulse to hunch over in the chair, bury her face in her hands and succumb to its torment in violent sobs. The agony was versed, the crippling ferocity a reminder of when everything she knew to be true for fifteen years crumbled in a nanosecond. It felt as if a year's worth of every high and low imaginable came crashing down on her. When she opened her mouth to speak, her body trembled while her voice remained strong albeit choked with despair, forcing him to relive it all over again.

"You weren't thinking of us!" Adrenaline pumped through her veins as a figment of his sex tape flashed in her mind, disappearing just as quick as it came. "What you did hurt Zach, Grace…and me. You hurt me, Peter."

You hurt me, Peter, instantaneously replayed in his head. An unyielding constriction surrounded his chest upon feeling the depth of her words when in that same instance did she grip his hand deathly tight, as if she was willing him to feel said pain.

"The only man I thought could never hurt me did worse. You broke me."

Peter exhaled a slow, deep breath. The punishment of his actions was never easy to face. Right now was no different. He hated seeing her like this; and even more hated he was the cause. His head dropped for a second before he lifted it to meet her red-laced eyes.

"I've been trying to heal, Peter. To move forward without looking back. And yes, we've had our moments. But it's never seemed to be enough to completely erase it all."

Peter shook his head in defeat. "We can't erase it all, honey."

"I know." She used her freehand to wipe a stray tear. "It's hard living with those reminders, Peter. It's so hard," she sobbed.

Adam eyed her closely while reflecting on one of their first sessions. "Alicia, do you think divorcing Peter would make it all go away?"

She pressed her lips together and shook her head. "No. It won't." The tears were free falling now. "I-I know I want to be with him." She glanced down at their joined hands, wanting to pull away. "I just don't know how to completely anymore."

Peter reached up to wipe away her tears with the pads of his thumbs. A subtle move that made them fall faster.

"You have the power here, Alicia. To take the first step in moving forward, to break the cycle and begin to learn how to be with your husband unconditionally again. You have voiced why, and told Peter why. Now it is time to leave those reminders and bad feelings in the past where they belong. Acknowledge, accept and heal. That all starts with you forgiving your husband."

She looked at him for the umpteenth time since they walked into this room. Flashes of every shared joy and sorrow in their life screamed back at her. The words seemed to dribble on the tip of her tongue, but she wouldn't utter them. Ironic after she just voiced she wanted to be with him. And she did want to be with him, but knew this was a required step before they could be whole again.

So why couldn't she? Why couldn't she give life to those two sacred words?

"I forgive you," said Peter, taking the realm and giving her a needed break. "I forgive you for shutting me out when I needed you. And you needed me."

She looked past him and out the floor-to-ceiling window before meeting his earnest gaze. It kept pulling her back. Kept giving her the comfort in saying what needed to be said.

Damn it.

She sniffed back tears and expanded her lungs to receive a deep inhale of air. Flickers of the past few years once again played in the recesses of her mind; her personal transformation lay on the forefront. A fight of survival and to keep her head above water while not being sucked into the emotions that almost drowned her was an exemplification of her strength. One she wouldn't have known she had if their marriage did not go through what it did. One day, she would thank him for that. For reminding her that the fiery, fierce, independent, ambitious Alicia Cavanaugh was still inside.

She'd never left, even though often she was sure she did.

Along the way, in loving him, in building their life together, she had lost herself. Then after the events of many tumultuous days, she was forced to morph into a woman she had long forgotten. His failure was a blessing in disguise. As the flickers slowed to a stop, and those consuming emotions no longer feeling as if they would swallow her in this very moment, by some miracle, she began to slowly exhale.

…And let it all go…

The tension in her shoulders began to dissipate, her posture waned. That strangulating feeling around her heart lessened and the knot in her stomach unraveled. She glanced down at their joined hands for a second time, realizing she had not pulled away. Not once when all she wanted was to run and never look back.

A force of gravity kept her rooted. Reminding her that they were not her parents, she was not her mother, and he was still the man she chose. Forever.

"I forgive you, Peter," she said, her voice even, calm. Lacking the desperate emotion she voiced moments ago. "I forgive you for betraying me…and our children. For your infidelities, mishandling our finances and putting us in an impossible situation to start over."

Again, she gripped his hands tighter and inhaled a much-needed breath.

"I forgive you," she tearfully said.

"Is that all, Alicia?" asked Adam.

She nodded readily, reaching a hand up to dab the corners of her eyes. Adam leaned forward and offered her a tissue. She gladly accepted and wiped her eyes.

"How do you both feel now?"

"I feel like…a weight has been lifted," said Peter. "Feels like the cloud that was hanging over us is gone."

"Alicia?"

She swallowed the lump in her throat and stared at the man across from her. It was as if for the first time in a while, she was finally seeing him with clarity. Finally seeing the man he constantly told her he had changed to be. His six-foot frame was clad in a custom Italian-thread charcoal grey suit with a crisp, snowy white shirt beneath and simple matching grey tie, simulating every bit of the changed man he attested.

She liked what she saw. She wanted what she saw.

"When I look at Peter now, I don't feel as much of those deep seated feelings as I felt before. I will probably still," she stared into his eyes, "think of it…everything, from time to time. But I don't feel angry anymore. Nor resentful."

Adam smiled, looking down at their still joined hands. He gave himself a mental pat on the back; the impromptu exercise was most certainly a success.

"Share a hug," he prompted. "Go on."

Peter looked to Alicia, his brows raised in question. She nodded, answering his unspoken question of permission, balling the tissue in her hand.

Rising, he grabbed her hand and tugged her towards him, smiling when she readily fell into his embrace. He fervently held her as if his life depended on it, afraid he was crushing her, but he didn't want to let her go. Wetness from her tears leaking onto the side of his neck led him to cup the back of her head as he closed his eyes and placed a kiss in her hair, supporting her while she finally released her pent up pain.

"Let it out, baby. I've got you," he whispered in her ear, running a soothing hand up and down her back.

Adam proudly stared up at them as they all savored this moment of healing.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled once they pulled apart.

"No need to apologize, Alicia." Adam watched them with close eyes while writing down an additional note about their progress. "Have a seat whenever you are ready."

Peter looked down at her, searching her eyes for assurance. "You okay?"

She could only nod, too drained to say more. They took their respective seats, facing each other again. This time, willingly. Happily.

"I would like to expand on the monumental moment that just happened. This exercise enforced you to look at each other, to look at your situation for what it is. With no other distractions nor words of guidance from me…just each other. And you were able to connect, trust and forgive.

"The concept of forgiveness is elusive, evasive and never simple. But you both uttered the words to start the process. Which will truly remedy itself over time." He smiled towards Alicia. "It was speaking those words into existence that ignited the process and sealed the cracks in your old foundation while laying a new one."

She smiled at him, both knowing that if he didn't enlist this exercise, they would probably still be sitting on opposite ends of a couch, stuck in the middle, struggling to move forward.

"I do feel close to her right now," said Peter, a coy smile tugging at his lips. "I can't stop looking at her."

Alicia blushed at his comment, helpless in returning his smile.

"Which, is normal. Couples tend to feel deeply connected upon completion of this activity. For some, the birthed emotions can be overwhelming."

Peter looked back to Alicia and lightly shook her hand, trying to re-engage her from the emotional hell she just experienced.

"What are you feeling?" he whispered.

She inhaled a breath. "A bit of…relief. And confirmation I think I needed."

"About us?"

She nodded.

"What type of confirmation were you seeking, Alicia?" asked Adam.

"That I do want a future with Peter. I was always unsure that if I forgave him, I don't know…maybe I wouldn't want the marriage anymore. But I do want it." She looked to Peter. "I won't ever forget, but I also won't let that cloud our present or future anymore."

She interwove their hands and released a nervous breath as she met his hopeful eyes. "I want us."

He smiled widely, his heart doing somersaults at hearing her repeat words he'd constantly verbalized during the past few months, no doubt sounding like a broken record.

"You're in?"

She grinned. "I'm in."

Peter licked his lips and eyed her in that boyish way that made her tingle all over and feel like the only woman in his eyes.

"Ready to really start over, babe?"

She smiled warmly. "I think I am."