Colin's funeral service date was announced a few days after Harry Potter's hearing. Draco debated internally for hours before he decided he would go, if only because he didn't think he could bear to be left alone while Astoria and Scorpius went. The idea of the finality of it all continued to make him cringe as the days leading up to the event came and went.
The night before the service found Draco restless and tense. Astoria was working late, and Draco paced the house. The sound of the doorbell made him frown. Who could that be? He wasn't expecting anyone. Scorpius stood curiously at the top of the stairs while Draco answered the door. "Mum," he said, surprised. "I wasn't expecting you."
"You never answered my owl, Draco," Narcissa chided him.
Scorpius saved him with his greeting, which gave Draco time to have a mini freak out. His Mum had owled the day after Potter's trial. She hadn't said much, and while nothing indicated anything negative, somehow he hadn't wanted to face her. Draco allowed Scorpius a few minutes to chat with his Grandmother before reluctantly sending his son to bed.
"I didn't know what to say," Draco admitted as he showed his Mum to a chair in the sitting room. She sat perched on the edge of the chair calmly, looking the exact opposite of how he felt.
"I have one question," Narcissa said evenly. "Did we force you into a marriage you are unable to be happy in?"
Draco's mouth fell open. He closed it with difficulty. The words seemed stuck in his throat. Of all the questions, of all the things he'd imagined her to say - this wasn't one of them. Unable to speak, he shook his head.
"If we did - Draco, I wouldn't have judged you, I would have spoken to your Father, I would have - "
"Mum," Draco groaned, and he lifted his hands in the universal gesture for stop. "Mum you didn't force me."
Narcissa regarded him in that careful way she had since he was a boy, and it made him feel as though he were five years old, in trouble for nicking sweets before supper. "You didn't lie to me, that day?"
Draco looked back at her, remembering that conversation. She'd asked him privately if the marriage they'd arranged for him was what he wanted. He remembered her saying you have a choice, Draco, no matter what your Father might say. Is this what you really want?
"No," he told her now. "I did not lie to you."
"I knew you were - curious. But if I'd thought for a second that you loved him beyond a simple childhood romance -" Her voice caught. "Draco. You're my son and all I wish is for your happiness."
Draco stared at her, shocked. "You - knew?" he managed.
"Honestly." Narcissa folded her arms. "You're not as secretive as you'd like to believe you are. Your teen-aged brain might have thought you could get away with hiding a guest in the Manor for a summer without anyone noticing, but I'm surprised you still think I never knew."
"You never let on," Draco said dumbly. The conversation felt surreal, as though he were viewing from a thick fog.
"Given the events of that summer, it was in everyone's best interests that such a secret stayed secret," his Mother told him.
"How did you find out?" Draco asked, unsure if he wanted to know.
Narcissa settled herself further into her chair. "I went to wake you early one morning and found more than one boy asleep."
Draco buried his face in his hands, his cheeks burning. "Did Father..."
"No," his Mum reassured him. "He doesn't know about that summer. I was able to run interference for you. But we're off topic here, Draco. Are you - you're happy?"
Draco thought back through the years. Moments shared. Laughter. Tears. Love. Anger. Astoria. Scorpius. He'd been turning this question around and around his brain ever since he'd had that strange conversation with Colin in Diagon Alley. What is happiness? He met his Mum's gaze squarely. "Yes."
She searched his face before she nodded, accepting his answer. "Love knows no limits," she said softly.
"You're not - " Draco was confused. "You're not - upset?"
Narcissa frowned. "Why on Earth would I be upset?"
Draco struggled to find the words. "I - it wasn't - " He broke off, still too ashamed to voice the words. Narcissa leaned forward in her chair again. Draco crossed his arms uncomfortably. "It's not - proper," he said at last.
Narcissa's face darkened, and Draco's heart leapt in fear, but her anger wasn't directed at him. "Your Father," she said, "is not the be all end all of morality, Draco. I regret that I too, once believed in some of his more - misguided views. Your upbringing was a product of our beliefs at the time. It is acceptable to challenge what we taught you as you walk your own path."
Draco shifted uncertainly. Colin had once said something much like that. We are our own individuals. Our parents may raise us, but we have the right to live our lives our own way.
"Your Father was raised in the past," Narcissa said gently. "He embodies those ideas of old. He doesn't understand how the world changed, especially how quickly the changes after the last war took place. And he has no understanding of how his ideals sometimes hurt the very people he loves."
Draco crossed his arms and didn't know what to say. His Mum sighed. "I love your Father. For all his flaws, I love him. But Draco - you must realize. Love has no limits."
"I don't understand," Draco burst out. "What do you mean by that? I don't understand."
Narcissa didn't answer, but stood up, and Draco followed suit. "I'll be at the funeral tomorrow," she said. "Perhaps I didn't know Colin Creevey, but my son did. I would like to pay my respects to the boy who helped my son find some joy in a time when things were - difficult."
She walked away, and Draco stared after her before following hastily. He caught up to her at the front door. "Mum - " he started, but he didn't even know what he wanted to say.
"Don't forget the family dinner next week," she told him. "Both your Father and I would love to spend time with you." She didn't say it, but Draco could read the unfinished words plain as day, even in his fogged state of mind. His Mother would make sure his Father would stand by him too, regardless of his own personal thoughts on the events that had come to light.
"I'll be there," he said. "We'll all be there."
Narcissa reached out to touch his cheek affectionately. "My son," she said. "We went through a war together and by the grace of the gods we all have survived. The struggles we face now are but inconsequential compared to that."
Impulsively, Draco hugged her. He tried to put all the words he couldn't say in the hug, and he thought she understood, for her eyes were bright when at last he pulled away. With a final pat to the cheek and a smile, she left him standing in the doorway.
Astoria adjusted her muggle clothes awkwardly, the scratchy tight fabric disagreeing with her skin. The funeral service for Colin was attended by muggles and magical folks alike, and she'd obeyed the suggestion that muggle clothing would be more appropriate. Quite a few people in attendance hadn't made the effort. Thankfully Scorpius hadn't put up a fuss at the small muggle suit she had presented him with. He stood next to her now, in this small graveyard on the outskirts of a humble looking muggle church. He was quiet. He hadn't said a single word all day.
Draco stood on the other side of her. He'd been quiet too. Narcissa, surprisingly, stood next to Draco. Astoria had commented on her attendance the moment she'd spotted her as they'd arrived, but Draco had merely shrugged and said she'd told him she'd planned to come. Astoria could sense there had been more to that conversation then he let on.
The final eulogy came to a close, Dennis Creevey's solemn voice ending abruptly to leave behind a silence broken only by hushed sobs. Most of the service had been held inside the church. Dennis Creevey had elected to speak outside, beside Colin's coffin before he was lowered into his final resting place. Astoria had tried to focus on Dennis' words, but her attention kept drifting, her eyes resting on the wood that cradled her friend in its embrace.
People lingered at the end. Low voices gave some small comfort. Scorpius held fast to her hand as she walked up to the coffin. Rested her hand upon the wood, cool to the touch. She was grateful for the closed casket. "I thought he'd be here," Scorpius said beside her. His tiny face was scrunched in a frown.
"Who, Scorp?" she asked him, unsure what he meant.
"Colin," he said, as though it were obvious. "We're magic, Mum. He can be a ghost."
"Oh darling," Astoria said. She kneeled in front of him. "He's not coming back. Not even as a ghost."
Scorpius' face crumpled. Tears fell down his cheeks. "Why not," he sobbed, and Astoria had no idea what to say. She felt someone kneel next to her and looked to see Draco holding his arms out. Scorpius clutched Draco tightly, and Draco patted his son's head and looked near tears himself. Astoria listened to the words Draco spoke, his voice quiet and sure. "People become ghosts because they are afraid to go on to the next adventure. Colin was brave. He wasn't afraid of adventure, was he Scorp?"
Scorpius shook his head, still squashed in Draco's shoulder. "That's right son, that's right."
Astoria pressed a hand to her mouth. She stood quietly. Draco looked at her questioningly, but she shook her head, blinking away tears. Draco understood what she didn't say. Astoria walked several paces away. She tried to regain control.
"Thank you," someone said, and Astoria turned to see Dennis Creevey. Leanne stood beside him. "Thank you for helping Colin when I couldn't."
Astoria shook her head. "I couldn't stop this from happening."
"None of us could," Dennis countered.
"You helped us more than you know," Leanne told her. "You were a safe haven for both Colin and for me. Colin can't tell you how thankful he is, but I can."
Astoria nodded. She looked back at her husband and son. "We'll all miss him, you know. Each of us in our own ways. We'll never forget him."
"Colin loved him," Dennis said quietly. Astoria looked at him. He was looking in Draco's direction.
"I know," she said. Dennis held her gaze. She smiled sadly.
She was walking back to where her family stood when she remembered. She turned. Called out Dennis' name. Both he and Leanne faced her once more. "I want to ask your opinion on something. Would you come by my office next week?"
Dennis looked confused, but didn't ask questions. "Of course."
"Thank you," she said. She made her way back to where Draco and Scorpius were. Their son was no longer crying. Draco still looked like he wanted to cry but refused to do so. The three of them made their way through the graveyard, occasionally stopping to talk to one person or another. She hadn't paid much attention to who had showed up to mourn Colin, but now she noticed just how many people had attended. She recognized dozens of witches and wizards from Hogwarts. Neville Longbottom walked by, holding hands with Luna Lovegood and Hannah Abbot; the entire Weasley clan was grouped together; she saw several teachers from school, including Headmistress McGonagall. There were numerous faces she didn't know. Several members of the press were in attendance, although they did not appear to be working. They too, were paying their respects. Terry Boot, she noticed, was talking to Natalie Mayes. "Give me a minute," she said to Draco. She made her way over to Natalie to thank her for the splendid article she'd written.
"No, thank you," Natalie told her. "You made it possible to connect with Jane - Leanne - again. That made all the difference in the world."
"Are you still chasing answers in that story?"
"Absolutely. I want to get to the bottom of the mystery," Natalie said.
Astoria wished her good luck and returned to Draco, greeting Lena along the way. Draco slipped his hand in hers. Narcissa strolled back to their side, Andromeda with her. Both she and Draco greeted Andromeda politely. They walked along in silence. Astoria glanced at Scorpius. He was dry-eyed but quiet.
The small frosted lawn in front of the church was crowded. People mingled, chatting in quiet tones. The muggle folk had left already, the weather a deterrent; the chilly December day didn't hinder those who could use warming charms to ward off the cold. Astoria drifted away from the others as she spotted Hermione Granger. She stood apart from the crowd, Ron Weasley at her side. Call it morbid fascination, or perhaps some strange desire for closure the only way Astoria could find, but she needed to know. The newspapers had been boldly screaming about Harry Potter's trial and subsequent conviction for days, but they'd held very little factual information beyond what had been shown at the hearing.
"How are you holding up," she greeted the pair quietly.
"Another reminder of how we failed," Hermione said bitterly.
"It's been - rough," Ron said.
They stood in silence. Astoria watched the crowd. "I don't see this as a reminder of how we failed," she finally said. "Look at all of these people Colin touched in some way. I see this a reminder of how - one life can make a huge difference in the world."
"Colin once said something of the sort to me, years ago," Ron said.
"I keep hoping there is a book for this," Hermione said at last. "Some kind of knowledge that's been passed down for generations. Some sort of something that will help me make sense out of what doesn't make any sense. After the war - at least there were reasons for the pain, the grief. This - there's nothing. At least nothing that makes sense."
"And the one person who should have answers for us doesn't," Ron said, his eyes haunted. "Harry just - sits there. Doesn't talk to us. And sometimes he'll come alive, start screaming, asking for Colin - the Mind Healers can throw big words at us, can tell us what they think is wrong with his mind - but they can't tell us why this happened, why he did what he did." Ron blinked, seemed to focus back on Astoria. "It's been rough," he repeated.
"He doesn't remember?" Astoria asked. "I don't mean to pry. I just - I suppose I'm looking for answers too."
Hermione shook her head. "There's no answers to be found. It's so frustrating." She rubbed her eyes. "He doesn't seem to remember what he did most of the time. And then it's like he'll snap back in - I've watched him pound at the walls for hours on end, screaming to make it stop. The Healers have to keep him locked up alone in a padded room. He's tried to escape a fair few times. He's a danger to himself and everyone else and I don't understand how this happened. That's my best friend there, in that room. That's my best friend. Only he killed another friend of mine and I don't know how to make sense of it!"
Hermione was crying now, and Astoria held in her own emotions as she hugged her, dragging Ron in as well, and then Scorpius was there, hanging onto her leg. He wasn't crying, but stood in silence. Astoria looked between Hermione's right shoulder and Ron's left and saw Draco deep in conversation with Andromeda not far away.
Something about sharing sorrow was healing in its own way. Perhaps this was the answer Hermione was searching for, Astoria thought. None of it made sense. But united in grief brought its own kind of solace. Funerals weren't for the dead, not really. Funerals were for the living, those left behind in the wake of destruction.
Draco insisted on walking part of the way home. Astoria understood. Scorpius fell asleep in Draco's arms at some point during the journey. There were tear tracks still on his cheeks and even in sleep he somehow looked upset and worn and it broke Astoria's heart. He was still so young. Too young to know this kind of pain. She wanted so badly to shelter him from it but knew such a thing wasn't possible. Nor was it kind.
"How is your Aunt Andromeda?" Astoria asked at last, tired of the silence that felt too loud.
Draco looked askance at her. "She's - reeling. She doesn't understand how Potter ended up - you know."
"I don't think any of us really do understand," Astoria said.
"I don't suppose so," Draco said. "She told me - " he stopped. Started again. "She told me she was proud of the fine young man I've become. She told me she was proud that I'd testified."
"She's right," Astoria said. "I am also proud of you. For testifying."
"She's not right," Draco breathed. The words were so low Astoria wasn't sure if she was supposed to have heard them. She didn't respond. The rest of the journey was silent.
Astoria put Scorpius to bed as soon as they arrived home. He didn't wake up at all, and she was grateful. She didn't want him to see her like this. The emotions of the day were hitting her now in waves, and even as she gently tucked Scorpius into his small four-poster bed, tears dripped down her cheeks.
She found Draco in the shower. He was sitting under the spray, his eyes closed. She joined him, holding him to her closely, and he didn't speak and neither did she. Instead she felt his body shake against hers, silent sobs tearing through him. She kept her head rested on his back and let the salt of her own tears mingle with the steaming water that fell against their skin.
Long after the tears stopped, Astoria felt Draco take a deep breath. The air grew expectant. She waited.
"Why do I feel like this," Draco whispered at last.
Astoria let the words wash over her. She felt tired, drained; yet somehow, wide awake. "Because you loved him."
Draco was quiet. She let him process, content to wait. She hadn't expected this now. She had thought she would have to force the conversation to take place. Thought Draco would need to be pushed into it. But she could feel her husband's tension, sense that his brain was spinning, could feel the inevitability in the air.
"I wanted him," Draco finally said. His voice was hard. Flat. "I tried to proposition him, once. After Scorpius' lesson. He was right there, he was right in front of me, and I wanted him. He turned me down. But I wanted him."
Astoria didn't say anything. The words stung. She knew why he was telling her this. She knew he was self-destructing. Lashing out. But the words still stung.
"I refused to help him. I was cruel. He was standing in front of me, and all I could think about was myself. I thought I'd learned from the past. I thought I'd put it behind me. But when the moment came all I could think about was myself. And he died because of it, 'Tori. All of those people, at the funeral. All those people who loved him. All of those people who wouldn't have pushed him away. Wouldn't have refused to help him. And yet he came to me. He - cared - for me. Why? I didn't deserve it. I never did."
Astoria wanted to speak, wanted to defend him against himself. She held back, waiting. This wasn't about her.
"I'm not someone to be proud of, Astoria." He was still speaking in that same flat, rough tone. "I'm not the kind of role model our son should look up to. I am who I am, I can't change that. I hurt people."
She could sense Draco was finished by the way he sagged against her. "Go on," he told her, sounding resigned. "Go on, let me have it. I deserve it. I don't deserve what I have. I don't deserve you. I don't deserve to be happy."
Astoria let the sound of the water fill the room, let her brain work through her thoughts. "You are not who you think you are," she finally said softly. Draco started to speak, but she covered his mouth with her hand. "Stop," she whispered. She felt Draco nod. She moved her hand away. "I'm not running away," she said. "Lay it all out there. Lay it all on me. But I'm not running away."
"Why," Draco said forcefully. "You've made it clear you don't see the world the way I do. Why are you still here?" He didn't say why do you love me, but she heard the words all the same. She could sense he wasn't taking to her, not really. He was asking Colin.
"I can't answer that the way you want me to," she said sharply. Draco didn't say anything. She sighed. "That came out wrong," she said. "I can't give you the answers you're looking for. I don't even know the answers myself."
"That's it?" Draco said, sounding frustrated, but she understood it wasn't directed at her. "That's all there is? Questions, all these questions - but no answers?"
"There are answers," she responded. "But none that can be found."
"You should have been in Ravenclaw," Draco grumbled, and Astoria laughed at the unexpected words, slightly hysterical from tension and grief. Silence fell again, contemplative.
"I wish I had the answers," she said. "I talked to so many people today. Everyone there knew and loved Colin in one way or another. Some had also known and loved Harry Potter as well. And everyone was asking the same questions. How did this happen. Why didn't I see it. Could I have helped. Could I have done more. Why. Why why why. And there are no answers to find, not really."
She felt Draco sigh, felt the way his stomach rose and then fell. "And you," Astoria continued, her heart in her throat, "have more questions than most."
Draco tensed against her. He didn't say anything.
"We all have regrets," she said. "But I think the question we should be asking now - is how to move forward. Where do we go from here. Who do we want to be."
"I'm afraid of the answers," Draco mumbled.
"I know," Astoria said. "But you have to face the answers. The part of you that loved Colin, the part of you that loves me - can they coexist peacefully, now that you accept they are both there? Or does one supersede the other?"
"I love you," Draco said fiercely. "I know that much. You, Scorpius, our life - it makes me happy."
"I didn't say it didn't," Astoria countered. "But if you would be happier with someone - else, I need you to know that I won't stand in your way."
Draco didn't respond.
"Come what may, we're in this together," Astoria whispered. "You don't have to have the answers now. We'll grieve, we'll talk - together. Whatever happens in the future. I'm not running away."
Draco was quiet. Astoria shifted, switching positions so that she was kneeling in front of Draco. His eyes were closed, just as they had been when she joined him. "Look at me."
Slowly, Draco opened his eyes. He was scared, she could see. Not of her. Scared of the knowledge that was just beyond his reach. Scared of himself. Her hands reached out, rested on his shoulders. "You see yourself as a problem in need of fixing. Flawed. Imperfect. Draco. That's called being human. Yes, you have made mistakes. Don't think for a minute that I didn't hear what you told me earlier. We're going to spend some time unpacking that later. But Draco. There will be a later. You're not going to push me away because you're scared to face what you're feeling."
Draco looked away from her, shame filling his features. Astoria leaned forward, kissed his forehead gently. "Let's get some sleep, darling." She stood, pulling Draco with her. As they dried off it occurred to her just how exhausted she felt. She purposely didn't turn on an alarm for the next day. Instead she allowed her eyes to close and her body to wrap around Draco's, holding him close.
Or perhaps, shutting the rest of the world out.