Hey guys! I'm so sorry for not updating in so long. So much has been happening, but I really missed writing and your nice messages really encouraged me to continue this story. I really hope you like it! Dont forget to review to tell me what you think!
Trigger Warning- Suicidal thoughts, language, mental illness.
Evan had no visitors, besides his mom of course. But eventually, she too had to go to work.
The hospital originally wanted to keep him for 72 hours, but after two different attempts at taking his life that included a butter knife and locking himself in the bathroom, they kept him for a week and a half (and removed all vaguely sharp items).
The day Evan left the hospital, the sky was crying, just like his mother. Despite her voice being clogged by tears, she rambled nonstop about how much she missed him. Evan tuned her out. He couldn't stop thinking about how much he wished he could not think. That he could not breathe. Because if he couldn't breathe then he couldn't lie, and he would still have a family and a girlfriend and wouldn't be the mess that he was.
He didn't want to live in a world where everyone knew he was just some broken parts. His mother could pretend, but he knew she could see how fucked up he was.
Evan spent the car ride staring at his shaking hands. They wouldn't stop moving, fidgeting- a reminder of the constant anxiety he now has racking his body. Since that night, his anxiety has kept him on edge 24/7 without rest. He has barely slept or eaten because his brain has been on constant-panic mode. He can't speak, he can't focus, he can't breathe. He has never felt this bad in his 17 years of life and now he is all alone.
There is no Zoe, no Murphys, no Alana, no Jared- he is all alone. He ruined everything.
No sooner than the car is parked, Evan runs up to his room. He freezes when he notices the locks on the bathroom and his bedroom are gone but he is too tired to say anything about it. Crashing on his bed, he stares up at the ceiling.
A month ago, he had a girlfriend, a family, and two best friends. His life was good. How did one action turn everything to shit? Maybe some people do deserve to disappear...but that'd be too easy right?
The next day, he was forced to go to school due to all the days he's missed. He woke up to find his mom's note telling him she had to leave early but would be back for dinner. He knew she was only trying to spend more time with him out of guilt. Guilt that he felt so alone he tried to squeeze himself into another family. But even after everything, he is ashamed to admit he still prefers the Murphys to his absent mother- even after they threw him out.
He stared at the kitchen, trying to force himself to eat something, but the nausea caused him to walk away. He got dressed in a gray hoody and faded jeans- the same outfit he's been wearing for a week now. He couldn't be bothered to do his hair but quickly ran a hand through it as he slid on his New Balances.
The tiny piece of hope left in the bottom of his soul told him to wait for Jared to come pick him up, but after a half hour of staring at an empty street, he started on the 40 minute walk to school.
He wondered if the Murphys told anyone. He wondered if Zoe would speak to him, but he didn't know if he could look her in the eye even if she did. She doesn't know what it's like to constantly feel like an outsider, to constantly yearn for a real family. All the times he sat at lunch by himself because no one would talk to him, all the times he had to enjoy Christmas by himself because his mom was stuck at work. Connor might have had his own problems, but he never knew what it was like to be Evan. Connor had everything he wanted and more, and even though he lied and hurt people, he will never forget the feeling of love he had with the Murphys. Is he a bad person for saying he doesn't totally regret it?
He arrived at school with a few minutes to spare, so he decided to go to his locker. He could see the stares directed at him, and he hoped it was just because he was missing for a week and not because…
Before he could even reach in to grab his books he was being shoved up against the wall of lockers with a forearm pushing on his chest. The eyes of his angry best friend looked back at him.
"You're such an asshole," Jared grumbled.
Evan stared back, holding back tears. "Sorry," -he's been saying that a lot lately.
"No, you don't get to be sorry. All we tried to do is help you and you spit in our faces! You are so lucky I don't march to Zoe right now and tell her what you did!"
Evan whispered out another "Sorry" as a tear trickled down his cheek.
Jared stared at the tear for a second, his face relaxing slightly. He stared heatedly another minute at Evan before huffing and walking off.
Evan straightened his shirt and wiped his face as the people watching pretended to go back to their business. Already this day was starting out horribly. He wished he could just move away to another country and start a new life- no lies, no girlfriends, no angry friends. But he had a feeling he'd find a way to mess that new life up too.
The bell rang and Evan shuffled to class, trying to blend in and keep his head low. French and Math class were uneventful, except for the glares Jared sent his way periodically. When the bell rang for lunch, Evan was finally able to take a small breath.
Entering the lunch room was a shock for his system that had been surrounded by quiet doctors and nurses all week. Kids were yelling and gossiping and munching and laughing and talking and pointing…
Evan's hands shook as he carried his lunch tray to the only empty table in the corner of the lunch room. The rickety table shifted as he sat and the garbage can directly next to him made his nausea even worse, but it was still better than attempting to sit with Jared and his science friends.
He looked down at his food and it only took a moment for his stomach to flip. Immediately, he threw his moldy looking sandwich in the trash and stood up to grab an apple. Halfway across the lunch room he could feel a gaze on his back. He turned and his eyes immediately connected with Zoe Murphy's. Her face was painted in a scowl and her clenched fists showed her steadily increasing anger as she glared holes into him. Almost physically feeling the heat coming from her gaze, Evan broke contact and hurried his pace to the fruit station. Just as he reached out to grab an apple, a yell was heard and something tackled him from behind.
Evan banged his forehead on the ground and only had a moment to register he was being attacked as he felt fists hit his back. There was lots of yelling, but his hearing grew muffled from the rushing in his ears. Hard fists punched his back and scratched his skin all while he fought to get up. He felt hands, strangely small, rip at his hair before grabbing a chunk and slamming his head back into the ground. After twice more of the banging, he was finally able to turn on his side in fetal position as the hands resumed their punching.
The air kept getting thicker and thicker and soon Evan was physically vibrating due to his body wracking with fear and anxiety. He didn't even notice the teachers busting through the doors and pulling off his attacker. He couldn't breathe and he couldn't hear and he couldn't see and his body hurt and people are yelling and everyones watching and…
"Evan!" Someone yelled, breaking through the fog.
A gentle hand laid on Evan's shoulder, causing him to flinch. "Evan, you gotta calm down," the voice said again.
Evan curled tighter in his ball and shook harder. At this point he could feel himself swaying with dizziness and his face turned red from lack of oxygen.
"Evan, listen to me. Open your eyes."
Evan debated whether or not to listen to the voice.
"Trust me Evan, open your eyes."
Finally, Evan did. Jared's face appeared above him. He looked concerned and frightened but kept up the gentle touch on his shoulder. "Breathe Evan."
Evan stared at Jared's steadily blurring face for a few moments before he finally understood what Jared had said. He worked hard to get his lungs to open up but he knew he was too worked up. Jared noticed and took Evan's hand to place on his chest. "Follow my breaths," Jared requested before taking deep exaggerated breaths.
Despite Evan feeling like he was trying to gulp oxygen through a straw, after a few minutes his breaths slowly became deeper though still a bit fast. "What happened?" He mumbled.
Jared looked conflicted before looking out into the hall where several teachers stood. "Zoe attacked you from behind. I saw the whole thing, it was crazy. She looked like some psycho!"
Evan took a moment to grasp the words before frowning and sighing deeply. He couldn't even put forth the energy to deal with that just yet. "Can I go home?" He whispered to Jared, eyes now closed.
"I told the teachers to wait out in the hall when you started panicking but they want you to go to the hospital- you're bleeding," Jared said.
"Tell em' mom's a nurse," Evan slurred, "jus wanna go home."
Jared opened his mouth before closing it with a sigh. "Fine, but ill take you. And I'm gonna call Heidi."
"She's home 'ready," Evan lied. Jared nodded and left to talk to the teachers.
With Jared gone, Evan sat up slowly, grabbing his head when sharp pains went through it. He knew he really should go to the hospital but he thinks he might go crazy if he had to spend one more hour staring at those white walls. He could vaguely hear Zoe shouting "He's a liar" down by the principals office, but he tried to block it out.
Evan brushed off his dirty jeans and blood-covered shirt and stood up, immediately swaying. Jared's arm came out of nowhere to steady him. "I had to lie a bit but they are willing to let you go."
Evan nodded as Jared helped him to the parking lot. His head was pounding and he had to blink black spots from his vision, but finally he was able to lay down on Jared's back seat. He could see Jared glancing at him in the rearview mirror but he ignored it as he closed his eyes and tried to erase Zoe's yells from his mind. The quick glance he got of her as they passed the principal's office showed her irate with grief and the love he still had for her hoped someone was there to hold her as she cried.
Jared pulled into his driveway and immediately frowned when there was no other car present. He turned to look at Evan, but he was already half way up the driveway. Jared jumped out and followed after him, barely remembering to lock his car. As soon as Evan stepped into the house, he fell to his knees sobbing.
"I can't do it anymore, she hates me," Evan cried. "I don't know what to do, they'll never forgive me. I love her!"
"I didn't know you told them dude," Jared whispered guiltily.
"I had to, I couldn't keep lying. I didn't mean to hurt them, I just wanted…I just wanted…" Evan broke off as he sobbed harder.
Jared solemnly sat next to his friend and placed a comforting hand on his back. He could only imagine how angry the Murphys were when Evan told them.
Jared sat quietly, listening to Evans cries, before his phone started blowing up. Back to back he was getting tons of notifications. Jared frowned, turning on his phone, but he almost dropped it when he read what was trending on Twitter. It was a tweet that had already been shared 100,000 times and was flickering as it gained thousands of more retweets by the second.
Jared's heart almost stopped at the headline of the tweet- "Evan Hansen is a Fat Liar" by Z_Murphy.
Sorry for the cliffhanger! Let me know what you think! Thanks for reading!