Week Nine — Part II

Adam glided his pen along the narrow ruled page, finishing a lengthy notation. The air yet again pulsed with a muted vibrato of hostility fueled by their headstrong egos. The longer they sat while minutes continued to pass by in which they allowed silence to be the antidote for their current impediment, Adam brooded over how to bring them back from this place they so often frequented. A visit to this juncture that was still inevitable despite how far they've come.

Marking a period at the end of his final sentence, he removed his glasses and set them a top the page. Steepling his fingers, he ingested them a breath more before piercing the tense quiet.

"Alicia," he said gently, "is what Peter mentioned about your mother true? That since her visit, you are…unsure about this new chapter of marriage?"

Her poker face remained steady as she responded plainly, "No, I'm not unsure."

He watched her mouth twist into a tight line and hands fasten together in her lap, indicators that she was likely about to excuse herself from the cutting center stage and retreat within her thoughts. Of the duration of time that he has known her, he had become keen of the triggers that would cause her to shut down at the single utter of a word. Her mother was at the top of that list. A place-hold whose origin he had not fully figured out and doubted he ever would.

"But, am I correct to assume you have hesitations?" He stole a quick glance at his notes. "Hence yours and Peter's different views on your living situation?"

She reluctantly nodded. He'd hit the nail on the head that she wouldn't admit.

"Do you mind sharing the reasons behind your hesitations with Peter?"

She began to twirl her wedding band, considering the proposition. The right words didn't readily come to mind, which would convey why she wasn't ready for what comes next. A transition that included sharing the same bed, remembering who would drop off and pick up the kids, pooling finances and paying bills, et cetera. All mundane matters that were only a crumb of what it meant to intertwine their lives wholly again.

As she glanced to her left at him, those matters tossed around in her head like dandelion seeds blowing in the wind. To her, the concern of them living together came with the cost of giving herself completely to him again. And she didn't know how to express that or why, after all this time, she wasn't ready for that offering yet.

It begged the question: when would she be?

"What did your mother say to you?" Peter asked softer, earnestly searching her somber eyes for answers. They were filled with an uncertainty he couldn't decipher. "What are you so afraid of?"

She looked away from him and back to Adam. Their gazes met in a familiar reunion, ending on a note that said he was not going to help her. She needed to free them from the bondage of this misconstrued fray.

"As I told you the other night, mom and I talked about the past. And about not taking different avenues in life," she admitted in a hushed whisper.

Peter's brows crinkled. "What do you mean?"

She unfolded her hands and pressed them into the seat, subtly readjusting herself a millimeter away from him then leaned flush against the couch, bracing for any possible repercussions this line of discussion may spawn.

"Mom shared how her life could have been different if she didn't marry my father, but another man." She broke their gaze and looked down at the stitching of her skirt, not wanting to see the hurt she knew was to come. "I too have wondered how things may be now if I walked away after your allegations surfaced."

Peter blinked rapidly, his Adam's apple visibly rolling up then down as he gulped hard. When he saw her now staring back at him, waiting for a response, the confirmation that he had not misheard hit him hard.

A snail like constriction began to balloon in his chest.

"Walked away…to Will?"

"No, Peter. I…I-in general. It could've been another man. I don't know! I've just wondered that if I didn't choose our marriage after everything happened, then how would my life be now."

His chest rose and fell in a deep breath as he rubbed his index finger along his bottom lip. Her honest truth cycled in his head viciously. While he was in prison it was a thought he wondered often. That during his sentence or once he got out, she'd have a change of heart and hit him with divorce papers. Even though she had given reassurance time and time again she wouldn't, he was always leery.

Time apart changes people.

It changed him.

"So what are you saying?" he asked after a moment. "You want to take a break so you can explore other avenues?"

"No."

She tilted her head back and studied the ceiling for a beat, thinking of the right words that wouldn't put them back at square one.

"Peter, I'm saying that this is fresh. Us. Now. It's premature. From the time you left for prison until you came home, I felt I was…going through the motions. I was still so angry with you, and myself. I had to put whatever I was feeling towards us on hold for our children. My focus at that time was how we would survive after you—it all.

He frowned at her words, at seeing the remembrance of pain reflected in her eyes.

"Then, when we were trying to move forward before we separated, at times I felt I still had blinders on. This time around, I want to make sure when we take that step again, that I am completely clear. On everything."

He stared at her blankly, letting her words sink in.

Adam watched Peter fall back against the seat, massaging his eyelids. He'd expected a canon battle of words from him. This dejected silence was new.

"Peter," said Adam, "is there anything you want to add?"

Widening his legs and leaning forward, Peter cracked his knuckles and deeply sighed, still grappling at her words and trying with his might to not let his tempter take reign.

"I'm going to be honest, Alicia," he said gruffly. "This is hard for me to swallow. Hearing that Veronica persuaded you to think about an alternative and then… "

She crossed her arms again, resisting a roll of her eyes. "She didn't persuade me."

"But she caused you to wonder about a life without me in it."

"She didn't cause anything, Peter." The razor-edge was back in her voice. "Our conversation was a reminder of thoughts I already had."

His head whipped in her direction. He stared at her hard, his gaze sharpened and jaw clenched, knowing right now she was intentionally hitting him blow for blow. If he fired back, they would get nowhere.

Loosening his tie, he bit the retort on the tip of his tongue and calmly replied, "I thought the past few weeks we've spent together meant you were ready for us to take the next step."

"I am to a point." She curbed the battle brewing in her throat that would result in them exchanging more verbal jabs. "I guess…" She took a deep breath, her words shaky when she finally said, "…I guess I also need more time to convince myself that you won't hurt me again."

And there it was.

The thing—fear—she had been dancing around, trying her hardest not to say for the past thirty minutes.

Hearing her confession was like a bulldoze punch to his gut.

"Alicia…" Peter reached for her hand but she snatched it away. "Babe—"

"No, Peter. Don't," she said through clenched teeth. "Don't say what you think I want to hear. I'm only asking for your patience while I come to terms with this choice of us together again and all that it brings."

"Okay. I understand." He nodded slowly. "I will give you that. I won't push."

"Thank you." Relief was an understatement upon hearing his agreement. "And I'm not saying that selfishly. This isn't just about us. We need to make sure that our children are ready for that type of change."

"Living together? Us being like we were before?" Peter asked.

"Yes."

"Well, I don't think Zach and Grace would mind either way if we lived together again."

"They will. Especially Grace. She adores you. And she's always watching us." She tucked her hair behind her ears, willing herself to continue to share from the Pandora box of hesitations Adam prompted her to open.

Leaning back, Peter stretched out his arm along the top of the couch, watching her visibly struggle to find the courage to say what she was clearly afraid to.

"But what? What else?" he asked.

Her throat grew tight as her gaze flew to Adam again for guidance—and receiving none—before landing back on Peter. She had built walls around her heart almost three years ago for a reason. In spite of the fact they had embarked on a roadmap destined for happiness and new beginnings, the impenetrable structure still remained. Inch by inch, piece-by-piece and bit-by-bit, she was carefully allowing him back in.

But could she completely?

Peter moved across the couch, bridging the space between them, worry plastered on his face when she didn't answer.

"Honey, what is it?"

She sucked in a breath then whispered, "I'm scared, Peter."

"Of what?" His stomach instantly swarmed with nerves.

"To fail." She swallowed tears rising in her throat. "If we live together as a family again, then—I don't know. Something horrible happens and you and me are on the outs then we're back shuffling the kids between two homes." She vehemently shook her head.

"They don't deserve that," she said, her voice cracking. "I won't put them through that a second time."

"We'll be fine and the kids will be fine. We won't fail this time. We're not your parents," he reminded. "We know how to work through our issues."

"Do we, Peter? Look at us now." His lips coiled into a frown, unable to refute her response. "The least we can do is take our time and make sure the next move not only benefits us, but our family as a whole."

The room fell silent again; only this time the hostility remained at bay. Adam continued to observe them for a moment as they decompressed from being highly charged while reflecting on their thoughts.

"Uh, while the floor is neutral, are there any other hesitations or issues leading you two not to speak to one another?" he said jokingly.

Peter wryly chuckled, smoothing a palm down his neck. "I don't think so. Obviously we still need to work on our communication."

"That is normal. Your revived state of marriage is, as Alicia pointed out, still in infancy. There are wrinkles. New issues mixed with the old. The biggest challenge now is probably learning to see each other without blurred lines. Although, from the exchange just now, I can confidently say you are on the right track. You both listened to one another and attempted to talk through the issue. Moving completely forward is never easy. There will be more obstacles before reaching the other side. But, I have the fullest confidence you two will be just fine."

Alicia glanced at Peter as he looked over at her, a glum smile on his lips upon hearing Adam's advisement.

"So, Dr. Lewis," said Peter, "out of curiosity, what do you think is a reasonable timeframe that we eventually take that next step? Living together, I mean."

Adam smiled at his persistence. "I cannot say. But rest assured, you two will know when the time is right." Flipping back a page in his notebook, he quickly scanned his notes. "Aside from the dilemmas of moving in together, Will and Alicia, your mother, how else have the past few weeks gone?"

Peter stroked his jaw, assessing the question. "Good. Mostly really good." He looked to his wife. "What do you think?"

She nodded. "They've been good."

"And what have you done?" asked Adam, hoping to receive a definitive answer and not a kickoff to another argument.

"Uh," said Peter, "spent a lot of time with our kids and enjoyed," he glanced longing at her, wiggling his brows, "being with each other." Alicia smiled, shyly biting her lower lip. "I thought we were getting better with our communication but it seems we need to work harder."

"Communication will always be an area in a relationship that requires continuous maintenance. No matter how stable the foundation. Everything needs a tune-up." He smiled warmly. "Is there a particular stumbling block currently being faced regarding your communication?"

"Uh…" his eyes darted to Alicia. "I'm sure she has few ideas of how I've been a lug head with this."

Adam poised pen to paper. "Explain."

"Okay. For instance, when we have a fight, sometimes I walk off."

"You walk off in the middle of an argument?"

He nodded.

"Can you share why you walk off? Or at least what feelings you experience that lead you to do this?"

The faint smile disappeared from Peter's face as he lowered his gaze to the floor while Alicia watched him with steely eyes. This was a question she had wondered herself lately.

"Peter, it is okay if you do not know the answer," said Adam, once he saw him lift his head to respond but instead dropped it again. "Take a minute and reflect. Really think about what emotions you feel right up until that second you leave, and what words are spewed which provoke those emotions to enlist you to leave."

He slowly lifted his head and slumped back against the couch, glancing at Alicia then to Adam.

"I don't know," he said after a moment. "Maybe I leave because in part, I saw my parents argue that way. To not make the situation worse, my father would leave for a while. I guess that's why I do it, too. To not make things worse."

Adam was doing mental somersaults upon hearing his self-acknowledgment.

"Did your father eventually come back to finish working through the issue with your mother? And do you come back?"

He sighed in defeat. "No to both."

"What usually happens when you don't come back?"

"We uh, usually go a bit without talking."

"Well then. I think we have debunked that tactic in a matter of seconds. Leaving makes things worse."

Peter nonchalantly shrugged.

Adam squinted at Peter's indifferent demeanor as he shifted his focus. "Alicia, do you agree with what Peter has shared?"

She sighed, truly not wanting to explore more today. Being vulnerable once was enough. The last thing she wanted to do was dissect more flaws.

"Yes," she said, her tone flat. "He does leave and we have a, silent period, I guess?"

"How does all of that make you feel?"

"I understand Peter's temper can take precedence and he needs time to cool down during or after we have a disagreement. But most of the time," their poor communication the past couple of days flashed to the forefront of her mind, "I would prefer he stayed and we talk it through."

"Why don't you ever say that?" Peter asked.

She looked at him, mockery on her face. "Because you leave, Peter."

He snorted at the causticity of her response. "That's classic coming from you. Of course you never say what you mean in the moment."

She slightly flinched at his words. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"Take today for example. Instead of you just admitting the other night you were hesitant for us to live together again because you're still unsure on some things, we've been arguing about everything else but that. If you would say how you feel so we can discuss the root of the problem when we argue, then maybe I wouldn't leave."

"So I test your impatience? It's my fault you can't have a disagreement like an adult?"

He sighed. "Alicia—"

"Peter," she snapped, "the other night, at that time, I wasn't sure exactly why I was hesitant. It was a long, full day. And I'm not like you. I need time to…process things. I can't make a rash decision, especially one that affects our children, in the heat of a moment."

Adam knew the wheels were spinning in Peter's mind for the worst the second he saw his posture angle to fully face her.

"Ah," he interjected, "before we go too far left, I want to dial it back and address one theme euphonically shared just now. Blame. There was a divided assignment of blame in response to the discord surrounding your communication during a disagreement. Peter, you blamed Alicia's actions for your leaving and Alicia, you blamed Peter's actions for not being forthcoming. Instead of continuing this cyclical pattern, I want to try a quick exercise that can possibly alleviate this issue and get us to, in this case, the heart of the matter.

"In therapy, this exercise is coined: "I statements". A main takeaway from this exercise is better adaption to active listening during a disagreement and instead of dispersing blame, you both take ownership of your feelings which trigger these reactions."

"So what do we do?" Peter asked impatiently.

"It is very simple, actually. How it works is, in lieu of assigning a complaint to one another by saying, "you do this or because you do that", we will eliminate the usage of 'you' and instead rephrase the complaint to address your own feelings and emotions by starting with 'I'."

They both looked at each other, clearly confused before looking back to Adam for direction.

"I-I don't think we follow," said Peter.

"Keeping the behavior of how you disagree as the main sub-topic, in essence, this exercise will explore the cause and effect of your reactions and how feelings are voiced in the moment. Meaning, again, instead of assigning blame to one another which causes periods of no communication after an argument, both of you will share how one another's actions trigger certain feelings and vice versus." He set his notebook on the coffee table and scoot towards the edge of his seat, leaning forward. "Once we are finished with the exercise, you both will have taken control of your feelings and actions, and will have addressed any underlying issues if applicable."

"So…I will tell Peter how his walking away makes me feel?" she asked.

Adam smiled at her being the first to respond for a change.

"Basically, yes." Resting his elbows on his thighs, he pressed his hands together and lifted them to his lips as he took a second to think of the best way to initiate. "It will make more sense if we do a dry run first. Alicia, you and I can do this."

She clasped her hands again and straightened her slight slouch.

"The topic of our disagreement will be picking up the dry cleaning. Our issue is that you always forget to pick up the items even though we agreed that you will get them on Wednesdays."

Peter interrupted, "But, I thought we aren't supposed to use, you."

Adam smiled. "You are correct, Peter. I am simply setting the stage for the dry run." He focused back on Alicia who was staring back at him with an expectant unease. "Alicia, I will start. So, say we are in the midst of an argument about the dry cleaning repeatedly being forgotten. My I-statement to you is: When the dry cleaning is not picked up on Wednesdays, I feel overwhelmed and stressed because organization in our busy schedules is important to me. I really appreciate it when we adhere to the schedule."

"And…now I respond about the dry cleaning?" she asked.

"Yes. You will respond in a manner that acknowledges the feelings I mentioned and how you will help rectify sticking to the schedule and picking up the dry cleaning. Give it a try."

She thought for a moment. "I understand you are…stressed and overwhelmed because we are busy and when I," she paused, "don't pick up the dry cleaning on Wednesdays that makes things worse. I will make more of an effort to pick it up…as agreed?"

"Perfect. Great job." He leaned back in his chair and picked up his pen and notebook. "You responded in a way that acknowledged you heard my feelings regarding the dry cleaning not being picked up as well as stating how you will contribute to repair the situation without being defensive. And I stated my discontent with you not keeping your end of the agreement by owning my feelings without blaming by avoiding the usage of 'you'."

He flipped to a new page and checked his watch, seeing they had about fifteen minutes left to wrap this up.

"Now, I want you two to try that exact exercise. Use the recent blames you voiced as your subjects. Peter you walking off and Alicia, you not being forthcoming. Keep in mind it does not have to be perfect. This is simply practice."

Peter digested their dry run and what he said a minute more before looking her way.

"You wanna go first?" he asked.

Alicia nodded, licking her lips. "When I am left alone—"

"Uh, Alicia," said Adam, "sorry to interrupt. During this exercise, look at each other. Make eye contact. Dismiss any doubts that you are both actively listening."

She inhaled a breath and met Peter's trepid eyes. "When I am left alone mid-argument or after, I feel misunderstood and frustrated because…some truths are harder for me to share in those moments. I would like it if we took a breather then circled back and calmly discussed the issue."

"Now Peter you respond."

He subtly cleared his throat then said, "I understand that you feel misunderstood and frustrated when I walk off mid-argument or after, and going forward, I will not walk off. I will take a minute to cool down and then reconvene so that I can fully hear your side and we come to a resolution."

Adam hastily jotted a note. "Peter, now you also share an I-statement."

It was tempting for him to look elsewhere. The penetrating focus in her eyes felt like it was drilling a hole in his conscience.

"When things are held back during a disagreement, I feel annoyed and honestly clueless because I trust you, and have no reservations in sharing my side whether good or bad. I would like it if we trusted each other more to share how we feel without fear of hurting the other."

Adam looked to Alicia and nodded, signaling it was her cue.

"I understand that you feel annoyed and clueless when I'm not as forthcoming with my feelings during an argument. I will try to be more honest about my feelings, good or bad, and trust that you will receive them."

Adam smiled and clasped his hands together, causing them to break eye contact. "Very nice. And in summation, that is an I-statement exercise. Really simple but when practiced enough, it will transcend to better communication during your disagreements and eliminate assignments of blame to be replaced with acknowledgment of ill feelings and fluid communication. Having said that and completing the exercise, is there a better understanding of each other's behaviors during those moments now?"

"I think so," said Peter. "What I heard is that," he said, looking at her, "I need to be patient. And give you time. Maybe that's why we balance each other out. You think before you react while I—"

"React," they said in unison, chuckling.

"I agree," she said softly. "I think I understand more. What I mostly took from this is that I need to trust you more. I need to trust that you will respect my views and that you won't take them, or me, for granted."

Peter reached across the space for her hand, gripping it, grateful when she didn't pull away.

"This is really great. For additional confirmation, I too feel that there was a better understanding gained and your communication moderately improved. Although that was a quick exercise, was there also an understanding of how you both heard each other, how your behaviors affected one another, and how the blame was initially reciprocal?"

They nodded.

"Think of this practice during your next disagreement when those familiar feelings and actions threaten to take over. Take a minute to stop, reassess the situation then discuss. Don't leave," he looked to Peter then to Alicia, "and don't keep your opinions bottled inside. You two are more than capable to rationally discuss an issue without dramatics."

They looked at each other, smiling knowingly.

Adam looked down at the last note he marked on the open page. "Before we end the session today, Peter, I want to circle back on a brief comment you made earlier. You mentioned briefly that you and Alicia were in bed when she told you about Will." His eyes floated between them. "Am I right to assume you reconnected intimately as well?"

Peter looked at Alicia who shook her head and glanced the other way.

"Yeah, we did," he said.

Adam's eyebrows rose in surprise. "And how was that?"

Peter shrugged. "For me, it was great. Really great." He interwove their fingers and tightened their grip. When she saw his apologetic eyes, she lightly squeezed his hand. "Despite the past hour and our stubbornness," he sheepishly smiled, "I still feel close to her."

She gripped his hand tighter. "I feel the same."

"That is also good to hear considering there were previous reservations regarding your intimacy. Though the emotional aspect of your relationship still needs training wheels, I must say it seems to be developing nicely. Instead of a new exercise, the only homework for next week is to continue to work on better communication. Practice more I-statements. Be active speakers and listeners. Most importantly, remember to not assign blame."

With parting words, they rose from the couch and bid Adam their goodbyes.

As they merged into the hallway, Alicia fiddled in her purse for her phone to check for any emergencies as Peter treaded beside her, his hand on her lower back while they walked towards the elevator. A comfortable silence impregnated the aura around them, one he wasn't sure how to break. They ended on anodyne ground, but for some reason, their synergy still felt out of balance.

"How's the rest of your day look?" he asked once they reached the elevators. He pressed the circular down button.

She dropped her phone back into her purse and turned to look up at him. "Client meetings. Yours?"

"I'm open for a bit."

Burying his hands in his pockets, he moved an inch closer to peer down at her. He purposefully, and slowly, dragged his gaze from her stiletto-encased feet to linger over specific curves of her body and eventually anchor on her face, concluding his smoldering tease by playfully lifting his brows. When she flashed an equally impish smile and tilted her head the slightest bit, it took great restraint for him not pull her into his arms for a kiss.

"Do you have about an hour to kill before you head back?" he asked, his voice a noticeable octave deeper.

"Maybe. What do you have in mind?"

"Take a walk with me. It's nice day out. The sun's shining, it's not too cold. I was thinking right along the lakefront. Gold coast. Like old times. To sweeten the pot, it's not too far from your office."

Right on cue, the elevator doors pinged open. She watched him prop a hand against the doors to stop them from closing, waiting for her to climb in. Usually she preferred time alone after their sessions to decompress and recharge. Though today ended on a calm note, the intensity it started with and continued to have, still had her rattled.

Perhaps their walk could provide a different clarity and really put the progress just made to test. Besides, it had been a very long time since they have had that type of moment alone. Where it was just them. No kids lurking or other untimely interruptions on the horizon.

With a warm smile, she nodded. "Okay."

"Okay. Let's do it."

Grinning from ear to ear, he climbed in the cab behind her.

A/N: Whew! If you made it this far, congratulations and thanks soooo much for reading!