Sarah should have cancelled this appointment, should have stayed home, curled up in bed or on the couch. Her therapist's office, with its pale yellow walls and hardwood floors, felt wrong today. It was too cheerful, and the weird, abstract painting hanging directly behind her therapist's head was making her already unbearable nausea even worse.

At least if she'd just been able to grit her teeth and sit through it, the hour would have gone by at a reasonable pace. She could have gone on about how she still missed her ex, but she was slowly moving on, or how she'd actually managed to go to work and most of her classes this week, instead of just moping around her apartment.

And she did, for a bit, until the two of them settled into an almost-comfortable silence, and she felt like she had to say something. It was the first thing that came to mind, and she didn't realise she'd actually said it until she caught Janeen looking at her, mouth open slightly, because the last thing she'd expected to hear from Sarah was a pregnancy announcement.

"Are you sure?"

"I took five tests."

Janeen fixed Sarah with one of her looks, the type she reserved for her more questionable behaviours, then scribbled something down on the pad in front of her. Sarah was generally an anxious person - some might say highly strung - and always meticulous in everything she did, but even so, five tests seemed excessive.

"Listen, I- I don't know why I told you." There was a stain on the rug in front of her, one that hadn't been there last time she was here, and she scuffed at it with the toe of her converse, trying to turn the mess in her brain into semi-coherent sentences. "It's not- well it is a big deal, but like, not big enough for therapy, y'know?" She forced a laugh, trying to lighten the mood, but Janeen was still frowning.

"Have you told the father yet?"

Sarah bit her lip, picking at the rip in her jeans and avoiding eye contact with the woman in front of her. She'd been meaning to, but she could never seem to find the words, not when he was moving almost a thousand miles away in a couple of months, and they hadn't spoken at all in the weeks since they'd broken up.

Eventually, she shook her head. "I'm not sure if I want him to know." She paused, gathering her thoughts. "I don't know. I might tell him, but it's not like it would make any difference. Louisiana and his residency are what matters to him, not me, and probably not our child either."

They'd been together for five months, and Sarah had been sure it was the best five months of her life. She'd felt loved for the first time, and although she wouldn't have gone as far as to say she thought they'd get married or anything like that, she'd expected them to have more time together.

And then he'd got his residency match - surgery at Ochsner Baptist, back home in New Orleans - and everything fell apart. He'd made his choices while they were together, all for hospitals in Louisiana, but had never told Sarah, leaving her to naively think he was staying in Chicago and that nothing would change after Match Day. She blamed herself for not asking sooner, but he hadn't so much as hinted that he was planning on leaving the Windy City, so she just assumed it would all be okay.

But it wasn't. She wasn't ready for a long-distance relationship, especially knowing he'd kept something this big from her for months, so she ended it, and that was that. Things were different between them now, and she didn't feel like she could trust him anymore. The last thing she wanted to do was invite him back into her life, especially not for a baby she didn't even know if he'd want.

"Are you go-"

"Can we talk about something else? I just - this isn't something I want to think about right now."

Janeen sighed, but motioned for Sarah to keep talking. Forcing her to open up never worked - she'd learnt that the hard way - and talking about anything was better than sitting in silence.

"I've met someone."

"Oh?" Last time Sarah was here, she'd still been heartbroken over her breakup, and as much as she wanted to, Janeen hadn't even considered the possibility that Sarah would have moved on in the two weeks between their sessions. "What's he like?"

"Uh-" she faltered, mouth drying out as she tried to think of a way to explain. It probably wouldn't be that big of a deal, but that hadn't stopped her from conveniently forgetting to mention this in either of their previous two sessions.

She'd wanted to wait until she knew it was more than just a one-off, and until she could be sure that Janeen would be okay with it.

"She's great."

If Janeen was honest, that was probably the least surprising thing Sarah had told her. She knew Sarah would tell her in her own time - and she was glad she'd felt comfortable enough to do so - but it's not like it wasn't obvious from everything about her.

Once she'd realised she wasn't about to be the victim of a hate crime, Sarah continued, her face breaking into a smile.

"Okay, so her name's Ava and she's been a regular at work for a while, then I think like three weeks ago we started talking properly, beyond just me taking her order. Anyway, turns out she's a med student as well - third year - and we hit it off really well! She's so nice, and she's South African, so she has the cutest accent, and I think I might actually really like her?"

"That's good. I'm proud of you." Janeen smiled at Sarah, and almost instantly she relaxed back into the couch. The two were silent for a moment while Janeen wrote something down, then she set her pad aside, looking expectantly at Sarah.

"So, have you two done anything fun yet? I know med school isn't the easiest time for dating, but you said you've been seeing each other for a couple of weeks, and there's loads of nice places to go in Chicago."

At this, Sarah turned her gaze to the floor, lips pursed as she tried to think of the best way to describe her relationship.

"We haven't technically been on any dates yet, but we've uh… we've spent a lot of time at her place."

As subtle as she thought she was being, it didn't take a genius to work out what she meant, and the look Janeen gave her told her exactly that.

"So, you're sleeping together?" It came across as more of a statement than a question, and Sarah simply nodded. She wasn't sure if the time they spent together while she was at work counted as anything - it probably didn't - which meant their entire relationship, if it could even be called that, was just them hooking up.

"Is there any possibility that you could be using sex to cope with the breakup?"

Sarah almost laughed at this suggestion. She had a whole arsenal of coping mechanisms, some less healthy than others (these ones were always easier to fall back on), but sex had never been one of them. Maybe it was from years of being dragged to church as a kid by a mom who thought it would somehow make up for the fact that she was never around, but she'd never really seen it as a solution to anything.

"I'm not- I'm coping fine. I'm going to class again and I'm eating when I can, remember? But I just… I don't know. I guess I'm trying to make the most of the time I have left before no one wants to be with me anymore."

Her comment was met with a frown, and what felt like an eternity of Janeen scribbling in her notepad before she spoke again.

"You're keeping the baby then."

"That's not what- I never said that."

"Why else would people suddenly not want to be with you?"

Sarah glanced up at the clock by the door - ten long minutes until the end of the session - and a wave of nausea washed over her. She couldn't tell if it was the baby or simply anxiety - this had happened a lot while she was in college - but either way, she had to leave now. She was just about able to mumble a quick apology before almost sprinting out the room, relying on muscle memory to get her to the bathroom down the corridor, barely making it in time before her lunch made a reappearance.

She flushed the toilet when she was done, but didn't move from her position sitting against the wall of the cubicle. Her appointment was supposed to be ending in a couple of minutes, and she knew she'd have to go back to get her bag and jacket eventually, but for now she was content in the quiet bathroom, the tiled floor cool on her legs, even through her jeans.

With a shaky breath, she placed a hand gingerly on her stomach, willing herself to feel anything other than almost complete apathy for this tiny being that was half her, and half someone she couldn't even bring herself to think about.

But there was nothing. Part of her wanted to love it, to cherish every moment of this pregnancy, but she just didn't know how.

This had never been part of the plan.