The next morning

It was early morning and sunlight began to peer through the windows, she knew it was time to wake Fitz but he was sleeping so peacefully, she thought she would let him sleep a while longer. He had held onto her hand all night as he slept and that comforted her in ways she couldn't describe and she thought that maybe with him holding her hand she could try to sleep but she couldn't.
She wasn't in pain, physically; no doubt it was the pain medication and the intravenous food line she'd been hooked up to for the past week. She felt stronger because the pneumonia was clearing up but still incredibly drained because she hadn't slept in two days. Her eyes felt heavy as lead, she was exhausted and she needed sleep but the consequence of that sleep would be nightmares that would take her back to a place she never wanted to be again.
It still hadn't really sunk in the she had been rescued. She still felt like at any moment she could wake up and end up in the white room surrounded by white walls and that made her anxious. The hospital room was beginning to wear on her too, it was bland and colorless and only served to remind her of the room she was stuck in for three months.
She felt lousy and lethargic so she pulled the sheets off her legs and sat up. She also got tired of the needles in her arm so she pulled them out and used the bandage to clean up the small amount of blood that leaked through her vein.
Once she wasn't tangled to the IV stand anymore she hopped off the bed and stood right infront of Fitz. She was still holding onto his hand as she hovered over him and caressed his face and took a moment to gaze at him even though she had spent all night watching him sleep. She leaned over and kissed him lightly on his lips because she wanted to see if it would feel the same as before and it didn't, it was frightening, which sent her heart racing so fast that she practically ran over to the window, a little scared that he'd wake up and know she kissed him. Once she was by the window she turned and looked at him, he shuffled a little but he was still asleep, she felt ridiculous for being afraid to kiss him but after more than three months of being surrounded by abusive men; projecting their behavior on him was something that was bound to happen.
It was just after dawn and people were just beginning to go about their business. She thought about the fact that she used to be just like the people outside, she would run around early or late, to and from surgery with her coffee in hand and now it seemed like a lifetime ago. She had no idea when she would be functional enough to be the surgeon she once was. She didn't know how the ptsd would affect her once she left the hospital and she didn't want to think about it but she knew it would happen. She didn't know if she would ever be able to be normal with Fitz again, if she could ever intimate with him again, if barely pecking him on the lips when he was asleep freaked her out she wasn't sure what she was going to do when he actually kissed her, she didn't know how she would feel, if she would feel attacked? He'd been very careful and she could sense it, he kissed her on her cheek, forehead and hand but he avoided her lips and she didn't know whether to be thankful that he was being considerate to her particularly sensitive situation or worried that he didn't want to kiss her because to him she was now some poor thing to feel sorry for.
She was so deep in thought that she didn't hear Fitz calling her until he was right beside her.
"Liv, I was calling you."
"I'm sorry, I didn't hear you," she said softly.
"It's okay sweetie, I just wanted to make sure you were okay."
She smiled and even though she wasn't looking at him, he could feel her smile.
"Good morning."
"Morning Livie, did you sleep?"
"You have to leave soon, you're the president, you have work to do, I was gonna wake you but you seemed so tired, I wanted to let you sleep a little longer."
"You're deflecting."
"I think I might be able to go home tomorrow, maybe even today, the pneumonia is clearing up and as long as I take my antibiotics, it'll be completely gone within a week or so. I feel better everyday,"
"You haven't slept in two days and you can't feel your injuries because you've been getting a constant dose of painkillers since you've been here."
He thought about his tone and hoped he wasn't too harsh.
"I just really think you should get some rest."
"I'll sleep today when you're gone, I promise."
"How are you so sure I'll leave?" He teased.
"Because I'll kick you out."
He smiled and got a little caught up by the fact that she was communicating with him so well.
"Very funny Liv."
He noticed her eyes were fixed outside, once again and she was a little stiff as if she didn't want to be touched.
"You okay Liv?"
She looked at him briefly and then turned back to the window.
"Yeah, it's just that it's so easy to take for granted the small things; like the sound of another voice or feeling warm even looking up at the sky. You don't really think twice about them because you think they are owed to you but they are not and you never really appreciate it until you don't have it anymore."
"You aren't there anymore, they can't take anything from you anymore."
"That's where you're already took everything from me; my peace of mind, my sanity, everything about me that made me feel like me, is gone. The only thing they left me with was my life and they were gonna take that too and they should have, it would have been so much easier to just end it."
"Don't say that-"
"Why? I feel like stranger in my own body, I'm never gonna be who I was and you know what; I liked who I was, I wasn't afraid of anything and now I'm terrified of everything and everyone all the time-"
"You're safe-"
"Not from my own mind."
By now the tears were flowing and she turned her face and wiped her eyes, slightly embarrassed that she couldn't control her need to constantly cry.
"I'm such an idiot, this is all my fault and I know I shouldn't say that but it just feels like it is."
"None of this is your fault and you know it, if this is anyone's fault then it's mine, I should have seen this coming, I should have prevented it."
His voice was getting a little shaky because it was really bothering him that she was thinking that way.
"'You're not god', you said to me once remember."
She paused and wiped her eyes.
"Fitz, no matter what you say, you know it's true, if I never built that bomb, this wouldn't have happened, it's the truth and there's nothing wrong with the truth."
"Olivia-"
"You should go, I'm sure you have work to do."
"I'm not leaving."
"I want you to go," she doubled down.
She was feeling cornered, she wasn't sure if it was Fitz or being stuck in the same hospital room for so long but she was feeling anxious and panicky.
"Why because I'm telling you not to hate yourself."
"Because you're telling me that everything's going to be okay and it's not!"
She almost screamed but she caught herself. Stephen walked in on them in that moment and for once Fitz was thankful for Stephen's timing because he didn't want their argument to go any further.
"Good morning," Stephen said to both Fitz and Olivia.
Olivia took a deep breath to try to take herself out of the anger she was feeling at Fitz for trying to help her which she knew was ridiculous on her part but that was how she felt.
"Hi Stephen," she as she turned and faced him.
Stephen walked a little closer and inspected her face.
"Liv you still haven't slept. You know I'm going to have to give you something to put you to sleep for a few hours right?"
"I don't want to sleep Stephen, I told you that, why does everyone keep trying to get me to sleep, when I want to go to sleep, I'll sleep."
"Liv I was going to recommend that you be discharged tomorrow but if you are unwilling to sleep, I can't do that."
Fitz panicked a little, he really didn't think she was mentally well enough to be discharged.
"Woah, are you sure she's ready to be discharged, I mean mentally-"
"She won't get better mentally if she's stuck here, she'll have to re-enter the world and try to sublimate, she will need the help of a therapist but as long as she's physically well, I can't keep her here."
"So if I sleep, I can leave?"
"Yes but why haven't you been able to sleep?" Stephen asked.
"She was-" Fitz started but Olivia cut him off.
"I've just been really anxious that's all," she lied, "but I'm sure if you give me something, I'll fall right asleep."
She tried to sound as pleasant as possible, she even tried adding a smile which Stephen seemed to buy based on the broad smile on his face.
"Okay, I'll be right back, once you're asleep we're gonna check out your lungs just to see how their coming along, but honestly the last time they were fine so I'm sure you'll be okay again and I'm also going to put you on a diet once you are discharged, I need you eating a thousand extra calories a day to help you gain weight. I also want you snacking throughout the day, nuts, fruits etc."
"Okay."
Stephen chuckled at himself, he knew he was being a little overbearing.
"I'm sorry, I know you're a doctor and you know how to take care of yourself but you're also one of closest friends and I just want to make sure you're okay when you leave here."
"It's okay Stephen."
"Okay, let's kick Abby off your bed so you can sleep but first let me get you something to help you sleep."
"What are you going to give me?"
"Diazepam and a little morphine so you'll have beautiful dreams while you sleep."
"Or horrible nightmares."
"Or beautiful dreams," Stephen teased lightly with a smile, "sit tight, I'll be right back."
Stephen left shortly after.
Fitz turned to Olivia, he could see that she was really anxious.
"I'm sure once you get some sleep, you'll feel better."
She didn't answer, but it wasn't because she wanted to be rude, she just didn't know what to say.
"Do you think maybe you should eat something before you sleep?"
"I'm sure Stephen will just hook me back up to the IV once I'm asleep," she said softly.
Fitz nodded.
"You should go Fitz, I'm sure you have things to do."
"There is nothing I have to do right now that's more important than making sure you're okay. If you want me to leave you can tell me, I won't get mad or anything, just be honest with me."
As frustrated as she was, taking it out on Fitz wasn't helping so she took a deep breath and tried to collect herself.
"I want you to stay with me until Stephen puts me to sleep."
"Okay, I can do that," he said with his usual charming smile which made her feel even more ridiculous for being frustrated with him.
Within moments, Stephen was back.
"Okay, Liv, just get on the bed- give me a second."
"Okay."
Olivia walked over to the bed and climbed on, Fitz wanted to offer his help but he also wanted to see if she could do it herself and she did. Once Stephen got the needle ready, Stephen hooked her back up to the intravenous line and as he was getting ready to add the sleep drug she began to panic.
"I changed my mind."
"Liv, you need to sleep," Stephen insisted.
"No, I'm not tired, I'm fine."
Fitz stepped closer to the bed.
"Liv, you really need to get some rest," Fitz said as he tried to comfort her.
She started squirming in the bed and tried taking the needle out of her arm.
"Liv, no."
Stephen tried blocking her right hand which was the hand she was using to try to rip the tape off her arm take the iv line out of.
"Mr. president, hold her hand."
Fitz wasn't exactly sure what to do, he really didn't want to do anything to scare her or make her feel unsafe and he knew holding her down and drugging her no matter how much she needed to sleep wasn't going to help.
"Liv, please you really need to sleep, just for a few hours," Fitz plead.
"Please Don't make him do this to me."
"Dr. Finch maybe this isn't such a good idea."
By the time Fitz looked over to Stephen, he had already poured the dosage into the line and when OIivia realized, she was livid.
"Get it out, get it out of my arm!" she screamed.
Abby jumped up after hearing Olivia yell, so did Huck and Harrison.
"What's going on?" Harrison asked.
Olivia felt herself getting weaker and weaker and before she knew it, she was fast asleep.
"Do you really think that was the best way to do that?" Fitz asked.
"I'm a doctor, I have to do what's best for my patient whether they like it or not, the only other option was going to sleep voluntarily and she wasn't going to do that on her own."
"What happened?" Abby asked.
"I had to drug Olivia to put her to sleep and she wasn't very happy about it."
"She'll be fine once she wakes up, she really needed to sleep, I actually thought you would have done it sooner."
Stephen eyed Fitz as if to say 'I told you so'.
"I guess you're right but I just don't want her to feel attacked, especially by us," said Fitz.
"I promise you that by the time she wakes up, she won't care how we put her to bed, she'll just be happy she got some rest. She would have done the same thing if she were in my position, I promise you," Stephen said with a smile.
"I'm gonna head back to the White house, call me when she wakes up."
"You got it," Abby said as she wiped the gunk out of her eye and hopped off the bed.

Olivia slept right back until 9 in the morning.
She was a little hazy at first but as she looked around, she began to regain her wits.
"Hey sleepyhead," Abby teased.
She sat up on the bed, her head was pounding.
"Abby, you're here. Where am I?"
"At the hospital remember, you slept all day and all night."
Olivia yawned and tried massaging her temples.
" is-"
"The president," Abby said coyly, "he's here, he had to leave to speak with one of his hot secret service agents in the hall, he told me to call him when you woke up. Can you believe it, I have the president's number."
Abby pulled out her phone to call Fitz but Olivia stopped her.
"No, don't call him, I don't want him rushing back here," she said groggily.
"Are you sure? I don't think he minds."
"I'm sure."
"Okay well I bought you some stuff yesterday, now I know we don't have the same sense of style but these are just clothes for you to wear home, by the way how did you sleep?"
"Good."
"Any nightmares, the president said you were worried about that."
"No, no nightmares."
"Great, Huck and Harrison are out getting food."
"Good, I feel like eating."
Abby smiled widely and walked over with the shopping bag to sit on the bed.
"Great, they'll be back soon."
She pulled the clothing out of the bag and spread them across the bed for Olivia to see.
"There was a mall a few blocks down, I saw this sweatsuit and I thought it was so cute, I wasn't sure what size to get so I got you an extra-small, wasn't easy to find, not even for Victoria's Secret but I think it should fit, it has an adjustable waist, you'll be fine."
Olivia smiled.
"Wow light pink?"
"You don't like it?"
"No, I love it, I wanna put it on right now,"
"You can, if you want?"
"Will you help me to take a shower first?"
"Sure, are you okay to take a shower though, I mean I know about the- you know…"
"The what?"
"Waterboarding," Abby whispered.
Olivia swallowed hard and tried to push the memory back.
"I still have to take showers Abby, I might not be able to swim again but showers I still have to take."
"Absolutely, sorry about bringing it up, I just wanted to be sure."
'It's okay, can you help me up?"
"Sure."
Abby jumped up and helped Olivia out of the bed.
"Why did Stephen take me off the drip?"
"He's gonna discharge you today at noon so he said that, you can take the medication orally from now on."
They walked to the small bathroom a few feet from the bed. Abby helped her undress and went to turn on the pipes as Olivia urinated.
Even though Abby had seen Olivia naked hundreds of times, she tried not to look at her but she couldn't help it, she was curious. She tried to sneak a quick peek but Olivia caught her looking.
"Sorry," Abby said quickly.
"Abby if I didn't want you seeing me, I wouldn't have asked you to stay with me while I shower," Olivia said lightheartedly.
"I know it's just that Stephen told us you had bruises, I just didn't think they were that bad."
Olivia looked down at her body; the right side of her rib was purple from where she had broken her ribs and it would have healed a long time ago if her captors hadn't been kneeling on top of her and holding her down to torture her; she also had blotches of faded purple around her ankles and chest but apart from that most bruises had faded in color and almost healed. Her pelvis, ribs and collarbone were protruding.

"They've healed a lot and they'll only keep healing right?"
Olivia asked as if she was seeking assurance, which Abby was happy to give.
"Right, you'll be back to normal in no time."
When Abby was finished gauging the water, she stood back from the shower.
"It's nice and warm."
Olivia nodded and stepped in. She stood back from the faucet and just let the water run on her feet.
"Abby?"
"Yeah?"
"Would you be freaked out if I asked you to hold my hand?" Olivia asked nervously.
Abby smiled.
"Really Liv? How many times have you held my hair back while I puked my guts out."
Abby said as she walked over and held onto Olivia's hand. She watched Olivia slowly stepped under the shower. It was the quickest one handed shower Abby had ever seen.
"Damn Liv, I think you broke a record," Abby said as she laughed hoping it would lighten Olivia up as well.
She handed Olivia a hospital towel and watched as Olivia quickly stepped out of the shower.
"Okay wait let me get you some underwear I brought from home for you, one sec," Abby said as she ran off.
Olivia dried herself as she waited for Abby to retrieve the underwear. By the time she was done Abby was back with the underwear and sweatsuit.
Olivia quickly got dressed and brushed her teeth and by the time she was back in her room, Huck and Harrison were back with the food.
"I'm hungry. What did you get Huck?"
Huck walked over and handed her a bag with food.
"I got everything, I didn't know what you would like. There are sandwiches and uh muffins, uh also fruits, I know you like fruits."
Huck was his usually stammering, squirmish self.
"Thank you."
"Welcome Liv," Harrison said.
"No really, thanks, for everything, I don't know what I'd do without you guys."
Abby ran over and hugged her.
"Awww, we're just glad you're home."
Olivia spread the food out in front of her so she could see what she got. Abby and Harrison were bickering about something but she ignored them and dug in her food.
There was a knock on the door.
"Come in," Abby called.
Fitz opened the door and walked in. He was pleasantly surprised by the she was awake.
"Good morning Liv, how are you feeling?"
"I'm okay," she said with a smile.
"Good, you're eating?"
"Yeah, a turkey sandwich, it has bacon and avocados, it's pretty good, actually it's very good, here try it."
She stretched her sandwich towards him to feed him a piece and he walked over and took a bite of it so casually that Harrison and Abby mouths fell open as they looked at each other in shock and amusement.
Olivia ignored them and kept eating her food, occasionally stuffing something into Fitz's mouth.
By the time she was finished eating, Stephen showed up.
"Liv, good morning, you look well rested."
"You too," she said with a smile, "I guess that's what happens when your most troublesome patient sleeps for an entire day."
"Actually yes, I've been practically living here since you were admitted."
Olivia smiled.
"I actually came to give you your prescriptions and medication, I'm giving you antibiotics for the pneumonia, painkiller for your ribs and a sleeping aid but only take the sleeping aid in half doses, well you know the drill plus Abby and Harrison will be with you in New York to monitor you anyways."
Fitz raised an eyebrow.
"New York?"
He turned to face Olivia.
"You're going back to New York?"
"I'm sorry, I just assumed," Stephen added.
"When were you planning on telling me?" Fitz asked.
"There's nothing to tell," she said softly.
"What do you mean there's nothing to tell?"
The tone of the room got serious and awkward and Fitz was so caught up he forgot all about the fact that they weren't alone.
"Can you give us a sec please?"
They scoured out quickly and awkwardly leaving Olivia and Fitz alone.

Fitz walked closer to her bed.
"Olivia, I just got you back, you can't leave."
Olivia didn't respond.
"I made arrangements for you to stay here, at your apartment, I assigned a detail to you, I got you the best therapist I could find."
"Fitz, I'm going to New York."
"Why?"
"What am I gonna do here Fitz, I don't have anyone here."
"You have me here."
"You're busy running a country how are you gonna find time to babysit me. I need to be in New York, that's where my home is, that's where my friends are, that's where my life is. I can't stay here and I don't want to."
"So that's it, after everything that's happened, you're just going to leave?"
"I'm sorry."
Fitz cleared his throat and grabbed his coat from the back of the chair.
"Don't be, I did mean to be so harsh," he said with a hard gulp, as if he was struggling to find the words.
He threw on his coat and walked over to the door.
"What did you think was gonna happen when I got back; you thought everything was gonna go back to normal. That we were just gonna pick up where we left off?"
He was about to open the door but then he stopped and faced her.
"No, I thought that whatever happened, we were gonna work through it together but."

"I can't stay here Fitz, you know that, you just don't want to admit it."

Fitz paused.
"There are six agents assigned to you, three are here, I'll let them know you'll be staying in New York so that they can make the necessary arrangements for that."
"Fitz-"
"Come on Olivia, what am I staying here for, just to tell you goodbye."

"No."
He turned and opened the door then stopped again, he thought maybe he could plead one last time.
"Olivia please don't go, we'll figure something out, you can stay at the White house with me or your friends could come here, whatever you need just please stay here."

"I'm sorry Fitz."

"It's okay."

"We can talk on the phone."

"I'm sure we will."

Fitz had absolutely no confidence that she would speak with him regularly on the phone once she was in New York but he wasn't going to argue with her anymore, it would only make it worse.
There were no words, so he walked over and kissed her on the forehead and then he left.