The final straw. He called it the 'final straw'. I know I make fun of him (a lot), and I know I'm a bit rude to him (a lot rude), and I know that I make him do all sorts of odd tasks and simple tasks I could do myself, and that I call him a coward often, and that I constantly insult him but I never thought he would leave. Scratch that, I thought he would've left years ago, but after he didn't, I never thought he would leave now. I know it was cruel, in retrospect.
"Watch where you're going, Merlin, you great buffoon; you almost stabbed me!"
Giving a little mocking bow as he does, he apologizes. Putting that stupid emphisis on sire, and that little grin.
Hunting trip. Just Merlin and I. 3 days, 2 nights; the afternoon of the second day. I did all of the hunting, he tagged along, holding all of my things. Like always. Then I made the biggest mistake of my life.
"Merlin, since you are so keen on stabbing something, you're killing the next animal we come across, and then you're cooking it for our dinner." I should've backed down when I saw that he went as white as a sheet. I should've backed down when he was swaying on his feet. I should've backed down when I saw that terrified expression. Instead, I called him a coward, and the mask went up. He thinks I don't notice how he turns his features into an unreadable 'happy' face. I do.
It ended up being a doe. I pushed Merlin towards the creature, spear in hand. Then his eyes grew wide, and then I saw the fawns huddled behind her. With the way they weren't all running, I knew one of the fawns was hurt. God I'm so stupid.
"Go on Merlin, kill it," I taunted. His hands shook. He begged me not to make him do it. Stupid, stupid, stupid Arthur. "Coward. Come on Merlin, be a man." After almost 10 minutes of my leering and taunting, he killed the poor creature; stabbing her right in the heart. I elected to ignore the pain in his features, how he swayed on his feet, how his eyes were empty.
That couldn't be horrid enough of course, so then I had to open my mouth. "While you're at it, put this one out of its misery, and kill the other two, they won't last a day without their mother." I don't know how long it took. All I know is I forced him to do it. 4 carcasses, laying at my feet. One of the fawns was cooked for our dinner. He hasn't spoken to me in hours. He went to bed without eating, while the sun was still up.
I barely slept, and I swear I could hear whimpering. I ignored it, like the coward I am. I call Merlin a coward for showing compassion, whereas I'm one because I cannot. Fitting.
The next morning, Merlin still doesn't speak to me, his eyes glazed over as he packs everything up. He ignores me as I talk to him, though I do not blame him for that, how could I? His posture is slumped, as if the weight of the world is resting on his frail shoulders. To know I'm the one that put that there makes me sick.
We ride home in complete silence, save for the horses. Nothing tried to attack us. I was left alone to my thoughts, and Merlin to his. I wish I knew what was going through his head. I wish he would talk to me. Or yell. Anything would be better than being shut out.
After however many hours of riding, we get to Camelot. Merlin unpacks everything, like normal. Being the fool I am, I don't attempt to help, though I do wait for him. Then I ask.
"Merlin? Why- why won't you talk to me?" My voice shakes, something that takes me by surprise. I wasn't expecting him to respond, truthfully. But he did, and what he said hurt me more than being ignored did.
"Why am I not talking to you? Arthur I asked you, begged you to not make me kill one animal, much less four, 3 of which were babies. You cannot tell me that you did not know how upset it made me. You cannot tell me that you did not have me do it because of that. You call me a coward, but having compassion does not make me a coward. And you know what? I'm done. You have put me through so much shit Arthur Pendragon, but I can't take it anymore. That was it, the final straw. I'm leaving. Have fun finding someone else that will put up with you."
With that, he was gone.
I cried myself to sleep. The bloody King of Camelot, cried himself to sleep over a servant. If my father were alive and he knew, I can almost see the disappointment on his face. My father. What I forced Merlin to do, my father forced me to do. I didn't realize I became the thing I most feared becoming.
A bully, just like my father before me.
A knock sounded at the door as I wallowed in my self-pity. Albeit with extreme reluctance, I encouraged whomever it was to enter, a small part of my mind begging the universe for it to be Merlin, though I couldn't possibly be that lucky. Leon, Lancelot, Elyan, Gwaine, and Percival entered. Oh no.
"Sire, are you alright," Leon questioned, looking confused. Obviously not, Leon.
"Yes Leon, I'm quite alright, thank you." I know my tone is scathing, but I don't want them here, all I want is Merlin. Everyone's faces shifted into a shocked look, save for Leon. No, Leon's held recognition. I had never spoken to them like that. My father had, though.
Gwaine and Percival share a glance, one that I couldn't read. As I open my mouth to tell them that whatever it is they wish to say, they should say it, they both snap their gazes back to me. Rather than ask about whatever that exchange was, I just yell at them to get out. Yes, the king, yelling at knights. Not quite unusual, if I were any other king. The knights are my brothers, these 5 more so than most. And I screamed at them like a petulant child to get out of my sight. I didn't want to be alone, I didn't. I just didn't want to have to deal with their questions.
A few hours passed, and I was beginning to get hungry, as there was no Merlin to bring me my breakfast this morning. Kitchens it is. I ignored everyone on the way there, much to the confusion of the servants and other knights. I know I was acting strangely, I know that being rude was what got me into this situation in the first place. I just couldn't act 'normally' without Merlin.
In the kitchens, Audrey had just finished preparing lunch, and I managed to cut in and ask for a plate. She eyed me suspiciously, then asked "Where's your manservant? Merlin? He usually comes to get your food, but he wasn't by this morning, or last night to think about it."
Then I lost it. I was a screaming fit. "That is none of your business servant! Give me my food, now, and stop asking questions or you will be in the stocks for the foreseeable future!" The entire kitchen turned and stared. Me, their kind, merciful king, yelling at a servant (other than Merlin)? No one knew what to make of it. Honestly, nor did I. I wish I could excuse my actions, but they were irrational and cruel. Kind of like the person making them.
I took the food back to my chambers, again ignoring everyone. I devour the sandwich and then wallow in my self pity a bit longer. Cue my idiodic knights. Again, Leon, Percival, Gwaine, Lancelot, and Elyan. They have a silent argument before the clear loser (Leon) speaks up. "Sire, everyone has noticed that you're a bit... off. Audrey, in the kitchen, said you started yelling at her, and you yelled at us. Did we do something? Is it something we could help you with or something we need to fix?" He looked breathless, and a bit scared. I don't blame him. My father would've had him executed, regardless of his status.
"I- wait, everyone?" I know those in the kitchens would be a bit concerned, but I didn't think everyone thought I was that bad.
Leon, clearly unwilling to speak again nudged Percival who, after glaring at Leon, cleared his throat to confirm my fears admitting that I was the talk of the castle, from my outburst in the kitchens to ignoring everyone that I saw, and the fact that I really hadn't left my chambers at all today. I didn't really think people noticed that.
Gwaine apparently decided now was the perfect time to pipe up and ask "Also, why hasn't Merlin been with you all day?" He and Lancelot were the closest to him, it figures one of them would ask where he's been.
Additionally, that was my breaking point.
"You want to know why Merlin isn't with me?" My voice was deadly calm, a complete contrast to how I felt inside. The knights all stare at me expectantly, looking slightly nervous at my tone. "He's gone. He's left Camelot because of my pig-headed actions. He left. He left me. I hurt him and he left." I've lost my composure, surprising me that it didn't abandon me already. "He left, he left, he left. He actually left. I'm sh-shocked he didn't leave soon-sooner." It takes Percival wrapping his arms around me for me to realize I've backed against a wall and sunk down to the floor. And for me to realize that I've started crying.
After the knights manage to get me to pull myself back together, I realize that Lancelot simply looks amused. In that moment, all the anger I was feeling towards myself redirected its energy towards the other man. "What the hell is so funny Lancelot? You think your king having a breakdown is funny?"
He at least has the decency to look embarrassed. He flounders for a second, obviously trying not to laugh, before blurting out "Arthur, Merlin didn't leave. I took him a sandwich a few hours ago, he's sitting right outside the gates." My jaw drops to the floor as I stare at him. The other knights all stare at Lancelot for a few seconds, look back at me, then burst into laughter.
I take off running. I don't stop running until I'm out of Camelot's gates. Perched in a tree about 10 feet up is Merlin, staring down at me in amusement. That stupid little grin I can't help but love. He calls down "Finally figured out you can't last a day without me, have you?" If only he knew.
He grabs the branch, then more gracefully than I've ever seen him move, he drops to a spot about 2 feet away from me.
Well, here goes nothing. "Merlin, I'm so, so, so sorry. I never should've forced you to do that, that was horrible of me. I'm terrible about figuring out my emotions, or how to express them, given all you know of my father I think you can tell what sort of affection I got as a child. My father said that how Pendragon's showed affection should only be by showing strength. So I tried to show you how to be strong. I had you hunt, to kill. You didn't want to, and I realize that that makes you stronger than I could ever be. You are so strong Merlin, and I love you for who you are, and you not wanting to kill just made that grow. I am so sorry for hurting you, you deserve someone much better than me. I'm so sorry." I vaguely notice that I'm rambling. I stare down at my hands, unable to meet his eyes. His perfectly blue eyes.
After a minute of silence, I feel a hand cupping my cheek. Gently yet powerfully he pulls, he pulls my face away from my hands just enough so our eyes meet. "Say that again" he begged softly. He hasn't run yet.
"Merlin, I am so sorry, you will never know how truly sorry I am." A small smile shines on his face, before he grabs my face with his other hand as well.
"No, Arthur, the other thing." My heart stops in my throat, and my stomach starts churning.
"Merlin, I've loved you since the day we met, from you yelling at me in front of the knights, to fighting me, to drinking from the poisoned goblet. You never treated me differently because of my title, and you are the only one I can truly say that about. I have been so, so, so horrible to you, but I love you more than I can ever fully express. Everything I've ever done, I was glad you didn't leave, but I didn't change my behavior because I was terrified of what you would say and now I've ruined everything and I'm so-" A pair of lips cuts off mine through my rambling. Merlin is kissing me. The man I've been in love with forever. Kissing me.
I pull back after a few seconds, catching my breath. I don't miss the sad and resigned look the other man gives me. His expression grows frantic, and he starts spewing apologies, "I shouldn't have done that", "I'm sorry," and "I'll leave now, I'm so sorry." At that last statement, he turns and starts to run, and I grab his wrist to stop him. He yanks his arm from my grasp as if I had burnt him. There are tears in his eyes, threatening to spill over.
"That's not what me pulling away was. Just... not here. Come back to the castle with me. Please?" Every emotion that I've been denied for the past 15 or so years is flooding into my brain and body at the same time.
He nods, rubbing the tears away. I grab his hand and we all but run back to the castle, past Gwaine and Percival; as Gwaine smirks and Percival groans before giving him a few gold pieces. Betting on us, why am I not surprised? We pass Elyan and Gwen, the latter looking at Merlin with an 'I told you so' look on her face, before looking at me and smiling. Next, Leon, who bows while smirking. Finally, Lancelot, standing guard outside of my chambers.
Merlin and I go to walk through the door when Lancelot yanks me backwards. He quickly shuts the door, putting a hand up to silence my retorts. He opens his mouth before reevaluating what he had yet to say, before opening it again. "I know what I am about to say is technically treason given that you are my king, but you are also my friend, and so is Merlin. So help me god, if you hurt him, I will kill you, is that understood?" I have to admit, him having the guts to say that to me when I could have him executed is admirable. And I know his heart is in the right place.
"First of all, Lancelot, we are friends, and I'm not going to have you killed. You are one of my most loyal knights, and I trust you with my life. Besides," I say, a grin forming on my face, "it would be a pain to have to train someone else. Plus, Guinevere would probably poison my food." He snorts, nodding his head. "Second, if I hurt him, I wouldn't stop you." My words seem to take him aback, though he nods and offers his hand for me to shake. Blame it on me being high on emotions, but I reject his hand and pull him into a hug. He stands rigid for a moment, unsure of what was happening, before hugging me just as tightly. I whisper a thank you into his ear before pulling away.
He smiles at me before pointing at the door with an expression I can only assume meant 'hurry up, he's waiting'. I swallow down my nerves, begging myself to stay calm, before opening the door and slipping inside.
Merlin is pacing, muttering to himself. It's rather cute, if I'm being honest. I stay quiet, observing rather than speaking. He hasn't noticed me, and doesn't for a few minutes. When he does, he turns bright red, and starts stuttering apologies. I cross over to him, then stop, suddenly feeling very self conscious. He notices my pause and starts to shrink into himself, shoulders trembling.
Plucking up the last bit of my (ever dwindling) courage, I grab his (tiny) face in my hands and kiss him like there's no tomorrow. Though, given my position, I could very well not have a tomorrow. His arms slowly wrap around my neck, clinging to me as if I'm the only thing keeping him from drowning. I love it.
After a minute, we break apart with goofy smiles plastered across our faces. Both of us stand there for a second, terrified to ruin this fragile thing. For a few minutes, we stand there. Barely moving, barely breathing, barely thinking. Actually, that's a lie. Both of our minds were moving at a thousand leagues a minute.
I speak up first, knowing that if I didn't say something then, neither of us would. "Merlin, I want to court you, more than anything, but first, do you maybe think we should talk? I mean, we've known each other for years, yet there is much that I still don't know about you, and things I'm sure you don't know about me." I break eye contact, my stomach doing somersaults as I wait for his response. I finally look back, my heart breaking at the obvious mask the other man has put up.
But then he smiles, and agrees. I have no idea how long we sat there, talking about the things we love. His favourite flower is the purple rose, his favourite pie is apple, and his favourite colours are blue and gold. He plays the lute, his mother taught him. As I listen to him talk, I find myself falling more and more in love with him.
I talk for a bit, and rather unsurprisingly, he already knows most of the things I tell him. But then I mention something about my childhood, about my father, and his mask, his walls go right back up. And my heart tears in two for the third time today. Grabbing his hand in mine, I brush my thumb against the back as he starts to quiver. His shoulders start shaking violently as he silently sobs into my chest.
"Hey, hey, hey, Merlin, look at me, breathe. Talk to me?" I try to be soothing, and I know I'm awful at it but I'm hoping it's helping some. After a while, his shoulders still, and he hugs me tightly, as though he will never again get the opportunity to do so.
He pulls away, standing up and getting off of my bed as he does so. I'm sure my face shows my confusion that Merlin quickly picks up on. He looks at me with desperate eyes, before begging "Please don't hurt me." Hurt him. He's begging me not to hurt him. I feel my chest constrict as it becomes difficult to pull in air. I calm myself back down quickly, while making sure not to scare Merlin.
I stand, then walk over to him. He immediately diverts his attention to the floor, unwilling to meet my eyes. Slowly, carefully, I grab his chin with my forefinger and thumb, gently prodding his face upwards. His tear-filled eyes meet mine, as his lip quivers ever so slightly. Starring him in the eyes, my gaze nor his ever wavering, I promise him "I will never hurt you," then in an attempt to lighten the mood a bit I add "besides, if I do, you have at least 5 knights and a Gaius willing to commit treason for you." My attempts work slightly as he giggles, quickly jumping to number one in my list of my favourite sounds.
He takes a deep breath before mumbling something I couldn't discern. "I'm sorry, could you please say that again," I request softly. He bites his lip before whispering "I have magic." I knew my brain wasn't making something up, or that the other man was joking, because why would he?
I'm sure my shock flits across my face, and he flinches at the sight. In my rush to console him, I stumble over my words. After getting my brain together, I pull him close (probably smothering him) in a hug. I tuck my head in the crook of his neck, before giving the answer I knew I would give before I fully comprehended it.
"I love you, and nothing will ever change that."