Thank you for all the continued support and reviews, I might not be able to reply to all but I definitely look forward to my regular reviewers after every chapter.
Day of the state dinner
Fitz sat at his desk in the oval. He'd been up for most of the night thinking through Olivia's suggestion and she was right.
It was mid morning and media was still going crazy over Sally's election announcement and resignation and rightfully so, he was still shocked as well.
Cyrus trotted in with a folder breaking him from his train of thought.
"I have a list of VP picks for you to consider, the sooner we make the announcement the better."
Fitz looked up at Cyrus.
"I've already made my decision on a VP pick."
Cyrus scratched his temple.
"You haven't even seen the list, I'm begging you to just consider the list, we have some great people, all vetted and willing, no, overjoyed to be your VP."
"I've already made my decision Cy."
Cyrus sighed.
"Alright sir, who did you pick?"
"You Cy."
Cyrus stood staring in space for a while before he spoke.
"What?"
"I want you to be my VP, you're qualified, you're honest, you're loyal, smart and capable and you helped me move heaven and earth to find Olivia and I haven't forgotten that."
Cyrus stood speechless.
"Cy, are you going to say anything?"
Cyrus was a little choked up.
"I- I don't know what to say."
"Yes or no would be a start," Fitz said with a chuckle.
"Fitz I'm gay."
"What!" Fitz screamed, "how dare you, let's gather in the town square and burn you at the stake, you heathen," Fitz said sarcastically.
"No, I mean, I'm gay, I'm married, I have a black daughter, that's gonna alienate even mo-"
"It's time to stop running from who we are and who we love and embrace it. I love Olivia and her beautiful brown skin, and her wild curly hair and I don't want a vote from anyone who has a problem with that and I know you love James and his...eccentricity so let's stop hiding behind the Republican Party because let's face it, we both know we're not that, let's stop being cowards and embrace our true values and see where it takes us," Fitz paused, "so… are you in?"
Cyrus smiled.
"It will be an honor to serve as your Vice President sir."
Fitz laughed and went over to the decanter.
"Let's celebrate before we announce it."
Fitz poured two glasses and handed one to Cyrus.
"You know Olivia was the one who opened my eyes about you," Fitz said as he took a sip.
"What do you mean?"
"After the Sally drama, we were sitting on the couch and she told me that she personally thought you'd be a good VP pick, she said you were intense but not nefarious and that she thinks you'd like to run for office."
Cyrus was shocked.
"She did?"
"Yes, I felt pretty horrible because as your friend I never considered that's what you wanted, you were always so worried about me and what I wanted and needed that we never had time to talk about what you wanted so I guess what I'm saying is that if the presidency is something you want, something you see in your future, you can count on me to fully support a Cyrus Beene presidency until you make it to the whitehouse, I won't help you once you're there though, I'll be halfway around the world, sipping the best scotch in the world on the beach somewhere with Olivia, turning brown from my tan instead of gray from stress."
Cyrus chuckled and shook his head.
"Olivia, you know I've always liked her."
"Yeah sure," Fitz said with a chuckle.
Cyrus took another sip of his scotch.
"Thank you, I won't disappoint you."
Fitz chuckled.
"Go call James and your daughter and tell them the good news then we'll announce it before the press briefing today."
Later in the afternoon.
Olivia stood outside of her shower, she'd been standing there for almost a half hour but she just couldn't stand to get in and let the water touch her skin. It was pouring rain outside and whenever that happened, she found that she had a hard time functioning. Even though it had been months since she got rescued, one of her lasting symptoms was that she was terrified of the rain and she knew there was no way she would be able to make it to the dinner. As she stood in the bathroom, she heard the doorbell chime, it was Tucker and Carson.
She wiped her eyes dry and tightened her robe around her waist and went to open the door. They were their usual cheerful self and she could hear them talking outside when she stopped in front of the door and opened it.
"Hey Liv," they said excitedly until they realized she was upset, "what's wrong?"
"I don't feel well, so I'm not gonna go tonight, sorry I didn't get to call you guys, I'll compensate you guys for your time."
"Oh sweetie, don't worry about it, I'm sorry you aren't feeling well-"
"No, I'm sorry, I didn't get to call you before you came, I'll send you-"
Tucker grabbed onto her hand and held them softly, almost nurturing.
"Don't worry about it okay, just feel better."
She nodded.
"Thank you."
"Take care of yourself Liv, just let us know when you need us again."
"Thanks, I will."
She stepped back quickly and closed her door as they walked down the hallway with their suitcases.
It had rained before, light drizzles through the spring that she was able to somewhat put up with but she hadn't expereince rain that bad since she came back from Iran.
She went to her closet the only room in her apartment without a window and sat with her back against the wall. A couple hours went by, she heard her phone ringing, it was Fitz no doubt, calling to ask her where she was, she was supposed to have arrived at the white house almost a half hour earlier. She was sure the only reason he hadn't called her earlier was because he was so busy. The phone almost went to voicemail before she answered.
"Babe, the guards said you haven't left yet, are you okay?"
"I'm not coming, I don't feel well."
"What's wrong, did you have a migraine or something?"
"Uh yeah," a sniffle escaped and she closed her eyes a prepared for him to freak out.
"Liv are you crying, what's going on?"
"No, I'm fine."
She didn't sound convincing.
"Liv, I'm coming there right now."
"No, you have the dinner."
"So what?"
She took a deep breath, if she was being honest with herself, she wanted him to leave the dinner and come to her but it was selfish and unrealistic to expect him to dump his duties every time she had a panic attack.
"Fitz please, just finish the dinner-"
"Olivia I-"
"Please Fitz, I'm asking you to stay."
He sighed.
"Okay."
She hung up quickly and hoped he would stay like she asked him.
As she sat there, as hard as she tried she couldn't shake the feeling that she somehow couldn't pull enough air into her lungs.
More time passed, just over an hour and then she heard her front door open.
"Why are all the lights off?" She heard Fitz say.
She heard lights being flicked on and footsteps in the apartment.
"Olivia?" he called as he searched through the apartment.
A few minutes later, Fitz walked into the closet and flicked the light on and found her sitting in the corner of the closet with her head rested on her knees.
He ran over to her quickly and dropped to his knees in front of her.
"Livie?"
She picked up her head slowly and wiped her eyes.
"I'm really sorry. I-"
He wrapped his arms around her protectively and it was usually uncomfortable for her to be touched by anyone when she was having her meltdowns but Fitz was different, she let him hold her because she knew he needed it and she needed it too, it felt safe.
"I'm sorry I couldn't make it to the dinner, I was going to call earlier but-"
"It's okay Liv, I don't care about the dinner, what happened to you? Are you okay?"
"I'm really sorry," she said again.
Fitz had no idea why she kept apologizing for the dinner but he realized that she wasn't going to tell him what was wrong.
"Olivia please, you can't expect me to walk in here and see you crying like this and not be worried. You said you had a migraine but I've never seen you cry like this for a migraine. Is it the rain, I know you said you didn't like the rain, I didn't realize it was raining that hard, I've been inside all day."
She didn't respond and he sensed that an apology was about as much of an explanation as he was going to get and decided to acceptit for the night but he planned to press her on it in the morning.
As the time passed, Olivia fell asleep but only for a few hours, when she woke up she was in her bed and Fitz was sitting beside her staring.
"What time is it?" She asked as she sat up.
"It's 3:40."
"Fitz it's late, why are you still up?"
Fitz sighed.
"Don't do that Olivia, you know exactly why I'm still up."
"No I don't, you have a job Fitz, a very important one and you can't stay up all night because you feel like you need to babysit me. I can take care of myself!"
"The last time you told me you didn't need a babysitter and you could take care of yourself you ended up half dead on a hospital bed, is that what you want to happen again?" Fitz said angrily.
"When are you gonna stop throwing that in my face, huh Fitz, do you think it feels good to keep being reminded about something that's both embarrassing and tragic," she said just as angrily.
Fitz felt bad but he knew she was just playing on his guilt to avoid talking about the issue at hand.
"What's your problem Olivia, you promised me that you'd be be more open with me but there's definitely something going on with you that you aren't telling me about, I can feel it-"
"I have been more open with you!"
"Then why do I feel like I have no idea what's going on with you."
"You're overreacting Fitz, you always overreact. I'm fine so just drop it!"
She walked to the bathroom and closed the door behind her. Fitz went to kitchen for a glass of scotch and sat at the dining table waiting for her to come out of the bathroom.
Almost an hour past before he heard the door open. Olivia went to her closet and threw on some shorts and a t shirt and then went to find Fitz. She figured he might have gone to bed but she hoped he didn't because she wanted to talk to him. She found him sitting around the table and walked over and sat on the table in front of him.
Fitz didn't say a word, he just rested his head against her knee, he was exhausted. She stroked his hair gently as she worked up the courage to say what she'd spent 45 minutes in the bathroom convincing herself to say.
"I've been lying to you."
Fitz raised his head and looked at up at her.
"What?"
"I haven't spoken to my therapist since the day of Sahara's birthday party, which is why I've been a little bit weird because I haven't been getting my daily catharsis."
"Why haven't you been speaking with her?"
"I told her about us speaking with her together and she said it would be a good idea only if I was prepared to be honest about what happened when I was taken and I didn't want to so I told her I'd give Lauren her number to set up an appointment then I never called her back and then I lied to you about it."
"Why?"
Olivia let out a soft breath.
"Fitz, when I left that place, I wanted desperately to put everything behind me and it helps that no one else knows what happened there, it makes it easier for me to pretend that it never happened. If you knew what happened there, I just feel like that's all you'd see when you looked at me, you'd look at me with sorrow and pity and it would just kill me so it's better you didn't know, I didn't tell Savannah, or Abby or anyone else and I know you wonder what happened there and I get that, but whatever it was that they did to me, I survived, I don't have anymore physical wounds so it doesn't matter anymore."
"It does matter, it's still affecting you."
"Mentally, it is, but I'm working on that. Last night... was bad, I'll admit that but you can't freak out everytime I have panic attack or something, I understand that you worry but I'm asking you to do this for me."
"You're asking me not to worry about you?"
"No, I'm just saying that sometimes, you know, if I have a meltdown just act normal and once it's over, don't dwell on it, forget about it, that's what I try to do."
Fitz sighed.
"If you don't want to talk about what happened there I'll accept that and if you don't want us to see your therapist together I'll accept that too but that doesn't mean you shouldn't talk to her."
"I will, I'm going to call her."
"Olivia, I worry about you, I can't stop it and I can't make it less intense and I'm not going to. You might be better off pretending Iran didn't happened but I'm not because worrying about keeps you safe, If I had worried about you a little more before you went on that trip then Iran would have never happened."
"Fitz do not say that," she scolded, "no one knew that was going to happen and you sent guards with me who lost their lives trying to protect me, there's nothing else you could have done. They're all dead, so it doesn't matter anymore."
Fitz stood up, he was getting a little agitated.
"Why do you keep saying it does matter anymore, it does! The guys who held you at that facility may be dead but there were others, guys who came and went, guys who worked with Sa'eed and we're going to find them, in fact we've been finding them and killing them one by one, for months now, your father's men included. "
Olivia stood up as well.
"What do you mean you've been finding them?"
"I mean they kidnapped the wrong fucking person. For two whole months they tortured you to tried and get you to build a bomb to blow up the most populated city in this country, my country, I may be your man, but I'm also the president and if you think that I'm not going to hunt down every single animal who so much as knew you were being held in that shit hole and didn't report to the U.S. government then you don't know me."
"So you're investigating?"
"Of course we are, did you think I was just gonna let this go."
Olivia was quiet for a moment.
"Have you seen it?"
Fitz was confused.
"Seen what?"
"Don't lie to me Fitz."
"I'm not, I don't know what you're talking about."
She tried to continue but got choked up and started crying.
"Fitz please, I just want it to be over, just please let it go."
He instinctively grabbed her and wrapped her in his arms and tried to console her and as much as he wanted to tell her what she wanted to hear, he couldn't.
"I'm sorry Liv but I just can't do that, my anger aside about what they did to you, I need to know why they did it and if and when they plan to do it again to you or anyone else, I have to make sure they don't succeed or else everything you suffered through to resist helping them will be for nothing and I know you don't want them to hurt anyone else, I know you want them to pay for what they did and the only way you'll truly be able to put this behind is if you know without a shadow of a doubt that it's over and that they're all gone, I just want you to have peace of mind Olivia, I don't want you to pretend that you have it, I want you to actually believe that you are safe, don't you want that?"
She held onto him a little tighter and wrapped her arms around his waist, he could feel her nodding.
"I love you so much, I don't know what I'd do without."
Fitz was caught a little of guard by her sudden outburst but he wasn't complaining.
"I love you too."
She chuckled and wiped her eyes as she felt him kiss her hair.
"Are you feeling a little less crazy now?" he asked.
She smiled.
"You're right, pretending it didn't happen isn't helping and I knew that but I just didn't want to face it but," she paused, "what do you know that you haven't been telling me?"
"Are you sure you want to know?"
She nodded.
Fitz smiled and kissed her again then wrapped her in a tight bear hug, he was glad she was in a talking mood, he was going to try to get as much out in the open as possible.
"What do you want to know?"
Olivia took a deep breath.
"First, I have to admit something."
Fitz raised his eyebrow.
"What is it?"
"They videotaped what they did to me."
"They videotaped you?"
"I might have hallucinated it but I really think it happened."
Fitz was quiet for a while.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I didn't want you to go looking for it but... I mean maybe they destroyed it, if you're investigating and you haven't found it yet, maybe it's lost or maybe I just hallucinated the entire thing and it didn't happen, I don't know."
He took a deep breath.
"What's on it?"
"Fitz-"
"No Liv, you need to tell me what's on it so I know how bad it will be if it comes out."
"It won't come out, if you haven't heard about it as yet then it won't come out."
"You're doing it again Liv, you're being naive, our relationship is public, if this is out there, it's going to surface, they're terrorists, they're going to be jumping at the bit to get their hands on it if they don't have it already."
"Fitz you can't let them release it," she said in a soft panic.
"I'll call my FBI director first thing in the morning and ask him if he knows anything about a video."
Olivia sighed.
"You know you have to tell me what's on the video right, it's not a question anymore, I've been trying not to dig into any details of what happened in the facility, even when I was present for interrogation of some of the guys that were there, and I did that because I knew you didn't want me to know and I wanted to respect your privacy, I only wanted to know if you were the one who told me but this is different, I need to know what's on that video so I'm not blindsided if it does come out."
He could see that she was going to get emotional so he held her.
"Olivia, you're never going to be the object of my pity, I worry about you and I regret that this happened to you but I love you, empathy for someone you love is not a bad thing, I know the way your dad raised you may be the reason you think that, but he's wrong.
Olivia took a deep breath and took a moment to compose herself.
"They recorded me once to send it to my father, Sa'eed was there, he was talking to my dad on the phone, arguing really, he was angry that I wasn't doing what they paid for me to do."
"What did they do to you?"
"They -" Olivia's words broke and stopped and pressed her head into his chest because she couldn't continue.
Fitz couldn't watch her struggle to say it so he gave up. He realized that it wasn't because she didn't want to share, it was just too hard for her and he understood that.
"It's okay, you don't have to say it, I'll try to fix it," his voice was broken but then he composed himself and tried to lighten his tone, " just don't cry, don't ever cry, that's a rule now."
Olivia looked up at him and smiled as she wiped her eyes.
"Since when?"
"Since just now."
He saw another tear stream down her cheek.
"You're breaking the rules, I'm the president and you're breaking my rules," he said as used his thumbs to dry her wet cheeks.
She chuckled.
"I thought you were my man?"
"I'm both, now no more crying, do you want me to make you something, I know you must be hungry."
"Fitz you can't cook."
"I can cook, I made you a meal for you birthday last year, you ate the whole thing remember and I can make pasta, I can make tea, coffee, sandwiches."
"I'll take a sandwich."
"Okay peanut butter and jelly."
He took her hand and walked her to the kitchen.
"Let me warn you though, I'm usually too heavy or too light on the peanut butter, it's never perfect."
She shook her head and laughed.
"Surprise me."
She stood by as he gathered the ingredients and made the sandwich. By the time he was finished and she took a bite she realized he'd have an easier time just eating the peanut butter straight from the jar because Fitz put so much peanut butter on the sandwich that the bread kept getting stuck to her gums and there was barely any jam.
"Fitz who can't make a decent peanut butter sandwich, I mean this is like 1st grade stuff," she said with a chuckle.
"I can make a peanut butter sandwich, it just doesn't taste good and I can cook, I just wouldn't advise you to eat it."
Olivia laughed, wholeheartedly, it was almost as if their emotionally charged conversation that took place moment earlier had never happened.
She didn't finish the sandwich and ended up eating a yogurt and then they headed back to the bedroom and got under the covers. She rested her head on his chest and traced her fingers lazily over his torso.
"So… how was the dinner last night?"
"Same old except for the fact that I left before it was over, Cyrus is going to kill me, or he might not because he's really happy about the whole VP thing, I think he'll let me slide."
"So uhm, are you excited for your vacation?"
"Only cause you're gonna be here," he said with a smile.
She chuckled.
"Please tell me where we're going?"
"Nope."
"Please, please, please. Just a clue."
Fitz smiled.
"It's gonna be very comfy."
"That's not a clue, if you don't tell me I'm just gonna ask Cyrus? Is it on your island? Where is that by the way?"
"It's off the Caroline islands archipelago," he said with a smile.
"Near French Polynesia and Hawaii?"
"Yep."
"Did you name it, people like to name their islands."
"It's not mine, well technically it is but my grandfather bought it for a steal back in the 70's, he called it Isle Amabella, after my great grandmother."
"Amabella, that's such a pretty name."
"The island is beautiful, it's been artificially landscaped, there are waterfalls and a hot mineral bath, caves, fruit trees and flowers everywhere, I'm not gonna get into too much detail but it's great when you see it you'll love it."
"It's sounds great but if we aren't going there, where are we going?"
"We're going to Aspen, I have a cottage on the Aspen Hillside, we're gonna go hiking, there's a pool, I think you'll like it."
"Yay, finally, was that so hard," she chuckled, "now I know what to pack."
He laughed.
"I would've given you hints on what to bring."
"Hints, very helpful," she said sarcastically.
"What would be very helpful is if you'd start staying at the whitehouse with me so I don't have to come here all the time."
"You don't like coming here?"
"No, I love coming here, it's very homely, but I'd love more of you'd stay with me sometimes."
"Is that you really want?"
"Yes, I'm not saying you have to live with me, but just keep some things over there like I do here so you can just stay the night whenever you want too."
Olivia pondered.
"Hmmm, well you have been asking about it for a long time."
"A very long time," Fitz added.
"Okay I'll bring some stuff over."
"When?"
"I'll surprise you."
"No, tell me."
"Nope, now you know how it feels. One night, you'll come home and I'll just jump out from somewhere and scare the shit out of you."
Fitz smiled.
"That actually sounds exciting, I want you to do it."
"You got it, and remember I'm going to New York tomorrow morning."
"Oh great."
She rolled her eyes.
"You've known for a week and I'll only be gone during the day, I'll be back in the night."
"You mean a year?"
"I'm bringing Sahara back with me so she can spend a night and you can meet her, Abby coming back with me too which is good, she's going to take the train back with Sahara."
"Abby's coming?"
"Yeah, well I told her Stephen is seeing someone and she says and I quote; 'she's coming to ruin their relationship'."
"Why?" Fitz said as he laughed.
"She's always had a thing for Stephen."
"Oh well, I can't wait to meet Sahara for the second time, I hope she likes me."
"She does, remember when you came to my apartment, she ran up to you and wanted you to hold her, she doesn't just do that to everyone you know.
"Yeah but I still need to impress her, maybe I could buy her something, like a little tricycle or something with a princess on it?"
"She's spoiled enough."
"No child is ever spoiled enough."
She smiled.
"Is that how you'd spoil our kids?"
"Of course," Fitz said with a smile.
They chatted until Fitz fell asleep. Olivia stay up a while longer, reflecting on the fact that in the space of a single conversation, she felt infinitely closer to him. She felt like a 100lb weight had been lifted off her shoulders since she told him about the video and she hoped if it in fact it did exist, he'd be able to find it...