Miranda Lambert – Things That Break
Connor waited for Taylor to return from speaking with Elijah, passing his coin across his knuckles. He was trying to be patient. Patience was a virtue, that was one of the human phrases he was learning. He didn't like it any more than any of the others he'd learned so far.
When Taylor finally did appear at the end of the hallway, he had to tell himself not to rush toward her. He wanted to scoop her up into his arms, crush her to his chest, never let her go. Just watching her walk toward him, a thoughtful look on her face, felt surreal. He still couldn't believe she was back.
Instead of running to her, he caught his coin in between his fingers and tucked it into his jacket pocket. Then he stepped into her path. Her head raised, her eyes catching sight of him, and she smiled. His hands twitched forward, longing to touch her. In the time in which he couldn't, the desire had only grown stronger.
"Connor," she said, stopping just in front of him, tilting her head up to meet his eyes. The sound of his name falling from her lips was music, and he remembered every time she'd ever said it, every time she'd gasped it while they made love.
But her eyebrows were drawing down in concern. She reached her hand out to touch the lapel of his jacket, and he almost shivered. Her eyes were moving over his face, glancing at his LED, and she said, "Are you alright?"
"Yes," he said, but he wasn't sure. He was overwhelmed. She tilted her head, considering him. Then she reached forward and slid her hand into his, pulling him forward.
"Come with me."
Connor didn't protest as Taylor pulled him along, down one hallway, then another. She opened a door, stuck her head in, then closed it and moved on. She did this several times, and he had no idea what she was looking for, but he was content to go along.
When she finally pulled him into a bedroom and closed the door behind them, locking it, he thought she was about to start taking off his clothes. He wouldn't have objected, didn't even care if they were in Elijah's room right now.
But as she pushed him down on the bed, taking his face in her hands, he could tell by her expression that her mind was elsewhere. She hadn't brought him here for that.
"Connor," she said again, her thumbs brushing across his cheeks. There was a plea in her voice. "Tell me what's wrong."
They were alone, and once she had told him that he could touch her whenever and however he wanted if they were alone. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, and he brought his hands up to her waist. She made a small noise of surprise when he slid his arms around her and fell backwards into the bed, pulling her on top of him.
Another small noise escaped her as she landed, pressed fully against him, her nose brushing against his. Connor turned on his side, bringing her with him. She landed, her hair all in her face, and he reached up to brush it away.
His fingers lingered there, in the space below her ear, just beneath her jaw, where her pulse used to be. He stared into her eyes, the ache in his chest still there, still raw. She hadn't said anything while he lifted her, manhandled her into the bed. Her face was still scrunched with concern.
"Come here," she said, snaking her arms around his neck and pulling him into her. He went, eagerly, pressing his face into her chest and tightening his arms around her middle. She slid her leg over his hip and curled it around him, pressing closer still, until there was no more room between them.
Burying her hands in his hair, she curled her fingers through the strands, stroking his head, down his neck. He closed his eyes, finally, relaxing.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, after a while. After his stress levels had stabilized and his LED had faded back to blue. He opened his eyes again and tried to pull back, but she held him tighter.
"You don't have to apologize," he said instead, giving up. She relaxed around him again, her fingers still sliding through his hair. He thought she was going to argue with him, like she always did, but she didn't say anything. Not at first.
No, for a long time she just continued to hold him, stroking his hair. His eyes were about to slide closed again when he felt her shudder. Subtle, almost unnoticeable. But her hand froze at the same time, and he jerked away before she could hold him in place again.
Like he suspected, she was crying. Only silently, the tears sliding sideways off of her nose and onto the bed. Without the need to breathe, he couldn't even tell. She moved to cover them, but he caught her wrist easily, pulling her hand away.
"I'm sorry," she said again. He shook his head, bewildered now. She reached her hand up, not for her own face, but for his, touching his cheek. "You couldn't see the look on your face. When you looked at me just now. I'm sorry."
She was crying for him, he realized. She was sorry, for what she'd done to him. For the pain she'd caused. For what he was going through. He didn't understand.
"Taylor, you died." Connor reached his hand up to place over hers, tucking his fingers around her own. "In my arms. I felt your heart stop, and when they brought you back, I sat beside your bed for weeks. You wouldn't wake up. I thought you were gone."
He leaned in, pressed his forehead against hers, ignored the fact that she was still crying. "So I'm sorry. I just haven't gotten used to the fact that you're here." The corners of his mouth pulled up. It was the first smile on his face in as long as he could remember. "You are just going to have to put up with me for a little while."
"Always," she said, pulling him against her lips. "Always," she kept muttering against his mouth, showering him with kisses. He was at her mercy, and he felt whole again for the first time in a long time.
Taylor didn't know how long, exactly, she had spent with Connor, locked away in that room. She had an internal clock now, but she kept forgetting about it, and anyway she lost track. What she did know is that Alex found her almost immediately after she emerged, not too happy about it.
"I would appreciate it if you would refrain from vanishing right now." He said, clearly annoyed though he was trying his best not to show it. She was not sure how long she could take people walking on eggshells around her.
"I was with Connor," she said defensively. From the way he arched a single eyebrow in her direction, a talent she'd always been jealous of, she knew her face must be turning colors. Shades of blue instead of red.
Alex just shook his head and pressed her phone into her hand. The very same phone she had previously owned, and when she held it up, it still recognized her face and unlocked the screen.
"Well, now that you're not with Connor, I believe we have something to talk about." He said, watching her tuck the phone into her pocket. She was still wearing an android uniform, but she hadn't had the time to ask for clothes just yet.
"Elijah said that I have to choose whether to play dead or become a hermit like him." She said in response, cutting right to the quick. Alex flinched, and she was almost sorry for her bluntness, but she didn't want to listen to him treat her with kid gloves.
"That is the gist of it, yes." She should have stopped to think of his feelings, too. She recalled the moment when she'd woken up, his hands on her face, and how he cried when he held her.
How many times in their eighteen years had she actually seen him cry? He never showed her his damage, not just because he wanted to protect her, but because he wanted to protect himself. That's just the way he was. She could count on one hand how many times he'd cried in front of her.
"Well, what do you think?" Taylor tried to moderate her tone when she spoke next. Being callous to Alex of all people was the last thing she wanted. It wasn't his fault if she was frustrated with this whole situation. She fell into step beside him as he walked, presumably toward the room where he was staying. He still needed to sleep after all, even in the circles under his eyes suggested he'd been doing very little of it.
"It isn't up to me, is it?" He said with a shrug. Something was definitely bothering him, that much she was sure of. He was acting more standoffish than normal. Usually he would cover his annoyance with sarcasm or just tell her what was on his mind. It must be something significant, and she had the distinct feeling it was her fault.
"Alex, I'm sorry." She said it as soon as they reached their destination, which did appear to be his designated room while staying at Elijah's. She could recognize some of the belongings around the room as distinctly his, including the laptop on the bedside table. When he turned around to face her, she held her hands out, palms upward, surrendering. "I can't imagine what this last few weeks has been like."
"No. You really can't." Alex answered quietly. "But there's nothing for you to apologize for, so let's just figure out what the next steps are going to be."
There was something in the way he said it. Dismissive. She swallowed, reflexively, some sort of artificial lubricant coating her mouth instead of saliva, her stress levels rising. Nothing in his expression gave it away, just the slightest of frowns turning his lips downward, his brow smooth, nothing behind his eyes.
"Tell me why you're angry at me first," she persisted, crossing her arms. That small frown deepened, and she frowned in response. They stared each other down for a moment, before his expression eased.
"I haven't seen my family in over a month, Taylor." He said carefully, not breaking his gaze. She felt the guilt washing over her instantly, but he kept going. "I missed Emily's first Christmas. I'm not angry with you. I'm just tired. I want this part to be done."
"What does that mean?" Fear had crept into her voice, crackling like static. Her fingers gripped into her sides. Alex raised his eyebrows at her, but he must have known what she meant, because he always did.
"Tell me you weren't planning on staying in Detroit before this happened?" He asked. Taylor almost shuddered. How could he have known? She'd only decided that morning, hours before she'd been stabbed. She didn't even tell Connor.
"That's what you wanted, right?" She said anyway, deflecting like she always did. "You were practically trying to talk me into it before I left D.C."
"I wanted you to decide." He threw his hands up, the frustration finally creeping into his voice. "You think I don't know you feel obligated to come back to Los Angeles because of me? I meant what I told you. I don't want to be responsible for any more of your regrets."
"Why didn't you go home?" She shot the question at him, trying to deflect again, to move the target from her chest. His face scrunched up in anguish and she wished she hadn't asked.
"You were dying. I don't know how to make you see that." He deflated a little, his shoulders slumping. "Every time I thought about going home, just for the weekend, I couldn't do it. How could I leave when something could happen to you at any moment?" In a smaller voice, he said, "What if I never saw you again?"
Taylor could see it then. The damage she had caused. Raw, ragged, and deeper than the past month when she'd been fighting for her life. A whole lifetime worth of damage. He didn't cry, not this time, but she did it for him, the artificial tears sliding silently down her cheeks.
He wasn't Connor. She couldn't just pull him close and make everything better. Alex would take time, and even with time and distance, he would not forget.
"You could have let me go." She said after a minute, as the silence dragged on and she realized he wasn't going to say anything else. Alex laughed in disbelief, a harsh, bitter sound that made her wince.
"Is that what you wanted?" He asked. "Tell me the truth, now, Taylor. I deserve as much. This past year, your ongoing recklessness, did you even care if you lived?"
"Would you have been happier without me?" She asked in return, instead of answering directly. He wanted the truth now, so should would give it to him. Not because she wanted to, but because he'd earned it. As he'd said, he deserved as much.
"Is that a serious question?" He took a step in her direction and she stepped backward in turn. When she didn't answer, his face hardened into a scowl. "I would not have been happier if you had died. I would have held myself responsible. I would have never forgiven myself. Is that what you wanted?"
"I wanted you to be happy." Taylor shook her head, back and forth, squeezing her eyes shut as the tears continued to fall. She took another step back, and then turned toward the door. "I changed my mind. I don't want to talk about this right now."
"Don't you dare run away." Alex's hands circled her arms, holding her in place. She opened her eyes again, found him inches away, still glaring at her. It occurred to her suddenly that she was an android now. Stronger than him. She could leave if she wanted, he couldn't hold her here.
But it was Alex. He didn't need hands to make her stay. She turned back to face him and he released her. Taylor looked over his face again, trying to see the boy she had met when she was a kid who had just wanted to be an agent. They had both grown up since then, but he had grown so much more than she had.
"I told Jake that story," she began softly. She didn't want to fight him. Not now, when he was so vulnerable. "Because it's true. I always knew that he resented you for stealing me away, like it was your fault. Like I didn't run. It was easy to blame you. But I would have ruined them. Just like I ruined you."
She buried her face in her hands, her shoulders trembling. Crying was such a strange feeling, when you didn't breathe. The tears just came, and then she hiccupped a sob. "I'm just like her. I ruin everything. I'm just like her."
"Hey," Alex's fingers closed over her wrists. He pulled her hands away from her face, and she let him, even though the tears were still rolling off of her chin, her whole body shaking now. "You don't get to decide that. You haven't ruined anything. You certainly didn't ruin me."
"I did. I ruined you and I'm ruining Connor, too. I ruin everything."
"Listen to me." He let go of her wrists, moved his hands to her face again, forcing her to look at him. His face had smoothed over again, the picture of calm. "You may be your mother's daughter, but you're more than that, too. Where do you think I would be right now if you hadn't dragged me into your life all those years ago? I don't regret anything, so you don't get to do it for me."
"You could have had a normal life instead of cleaning up my messes all the time," she challenged. He just shook his head.
"Who wants a normal life? I came into the industry because I wanted to be an agent. You made that happen for me. Sure, it might have happened eventually, with someone else, but do you really think some other celebrity would have been easier to deal with than you?" He gave her an indulgent smile, teasing now. He was trying to bring them back into normal conversation.
Taylor leaned into him and circled her arms around his middle, hugging him as tight as she dared. She didn't quite have a grasp on her android strength yet, but he didn't protest. He hugged her back, sliding his hand over her hair.
With his face hidden again, he added in a low voice, "Honestly, Taylor, I couldn't have let you go. Even if that's what you wanted. I'm sorry."
She shook her head again, burying her face against his shoulder. "I wasn't trying to die. I meant what I told you, too. I would never do it. I can't help it if I'm inherently reckless."
Alex laughed softly into her hair. "No, I suppose you get it honest."
"I want to be a hermit. I don't want to fake my death." She pulled away then, moving to wipe at her tears. He beat her too it, thumbing the moisture from her cheeks, a small frown returning to his face.
"You could have just led with that," he said, the corner of his mouth pulling up into a half smile. She breathed a laugh, just a small one, and he finally stepped away from her.
"When do I ever make anything easy?" She returned. "I can't stand it when you're mad at me. I couldn't have let you go home without talking things out."
"Are you staying in Detroit?" Alex asked it very carefully, his tone neutral. Taylor wondered if he really did want her to come home. How was it so easy for him to figure her out, but she never knew what he wanted? Not when he really tried to hide it from her.
"I want to be with Connor," she said honestly. It didn't matter where anymore. She didn't deserve him, but if he wanted her, then she would do everything in her power to make sure that he would never have to miss her again.
"You don't understand what it was like when you were gone." He said after the briefest of pauses, letting the information sink in. As she looked into his face once more, the haunted look behind his normally bright green eyes, she thought she was starting to comprehend it just a little. "Please don't do that to me again."
"I'll do my best not to get stabbed."
Connor moved quietly through the hallways as he tried to find Taylor. She was an android now and didn't need to sleep, but that didn't mean she hadn't gone into sleep mode somewhere out of habit. He just didn't know where she would be, so he was wandering around rather aimlessly, hoping to stumble upon her.
It took almost an hour. He wasn't as bold as Taylor, to just stick his head into random rooms with the doors closed. The sound of her voice came from a hallway where he had looked a while before, and he followed it.
There was a hush in the room when he stepped across the threshold to a small office. Chloe glanced up at him from a seat next to the fire, and for a wild second he thought he'd been mistaken, but then Taylor turned around from the chair opposite and spotted him as well.
"Hi, Connor." She smiled at him before she gave her attention back to Chloe. There were a couple of tablets open on table between them, and Taylor was scrolling on the screen. Elijah was nowhere to be seen.
Connor came closer to where they were seated, but Taylor passed the tablet back to Chloe before he could see what she was looking at. "This one should work. It's not terribly important, anyway, is it?"
"It is up to you." Chloe said neutrally, her LED flashing yellow as she looked at the screen. Connor glanced between the two of them, his brow furrowing, as Chloe handed her another tablet. "Next one, please."
"What are you doing?" Connor finally asked, fighting the urge to peek over her shoulder. Taylor didn't even look up from her scrolling to respond.
"Funeral arrangements." She said without inflection. He blinked, surprised. "Well, in a sense. It didn't seem right to throw my old body in a ditch somewhere, so I thought we should bury it properly."
Taylor lifted her head then, but when she saw the look on his face, the slight smile on hers faded. "What is it?"
Connor found he couldn't say, but the cavalier way in which Taylor was treating the whole situation felt off to him. Or maybe he hadn't even considered what would happen to her human body now that she was an android. He'd been too caught up in having her back.
"Someone has to do it," she said after a moment, tilting her head just slightly. "I didn't want it to be Alex. He's been through enough."
There was a bit of a waver then, in her bravado. He thought he would be better now at seeing through her. Maybe becoming an android had just made her better at hiding. He came closer still, until he was standing just beside her chair.
"Can I help?" He said, still looking down at her. Her eyebrows jumped up in surprise.
"Do you want to?" She asked uncertainly. He nodded, though he wasn't entirely sure if he did or not. He just didn't want to leave her to it, alone.
She stood and reached for his hand, bidding him to take her seat in the chair. When he sat, she lowered herself into his lap. He tried his best not to feel suddenly nervous, but he thought he saw the briefest flicker of amusement on Chloe's face before she looked down at her own tablet impassively. Was Chloe deviant?
"I'm picking out a headstone," Taylor said, leaning against him and bringing the tablet to where he could see it. "I have a plot picked out in the cemetery where my parents are buried. I just can't put my name on it, for obvious reasons."
Connor slid his arm around her and rested his chin on her shoulder, watching her scroll. He didn't care if Chloe was deviant or not. He also didn't care if she was watching them. "What do you want it to look like?"
"I don't know." She said honestly. Her finger was still scrolling through images, but she didn't really seem to be looking at any of them. "It's not usually something you have to think about. It doesn't need to be fancy. Maybe just a flat one with dates on it?"
"I think you should have a monument," he said. She laughed softly. "With a big statue and a plaque."
"Don't be ridiculous." She said, still giggling. "The idea is that no one will notice it. What about this?"
And so they worked to finish choosing the arrangements for her burial. Taylor continued to act as though the whole process didn't bother her, and Connor thought that perhaps he was more bothered by it than she was.
Until they left the room, with Chloe still going over her choices and logging them away. Connor led her down the hallway by her hand, but she tugged him back once they were a safe distance away. Her arms came around his middle and she buried her face in his chest.
"Thank you," she whispered. His arms came around her automatically. She still fit against him perfectly, and he rested his chin on the top of her head. Her hair didn't smell like shampoo anymore, but he didn't mind that either.
"Why can't you just ask for help?" He said after a moment.
"I just—" Her hands clenched into the fabric of his jacket. "Everyone has been through enough already. I just wanted to do one thing."
"What happened wasn't your fault, Taylor." Connor pulled away, placing his hands on her cheeks. He tilted her face up, but her eyes were still turned away. "Look at me."
She did. Her blue eyes jumped up to meet his, and they were just the eyes he remembered. The dark blue fading into light. "Tell me you don't think this is your fault."
"Not everything is about fault," she answered quietly. Her lips trembled and she pursed them before she spoke again. "How do you expect me to look around at all the damage I've caused and not feel guilty?"
"Because it's a waste of time." He said firmly. Taylor opened her mouth in shock, but he just shook his head. "I'm not asking you not to feel anything. But we did all of this because we wanted you back." He gave her a smirk, just the slightest lift of the corner of his mouth. "I had to trust Elijah Kamski."
She smiled, just a little. "Is that supposed to help me feel less guilty?"
"None of that matters now. You're back. You're here now." He slid his hands down her neck, rested them on her shoulders. "I can touch you again." He leaned forward, pressed his lips against her cheek, the corner of her mouth. "I can kiss you again. I'm not thinking about before, how or why. I don't want to worry about you feeling guilty for me."
Her smile widened. She leaned up to cover his mouth with hers, moving her lips against his slowly. He was impatient, though. He deepened the kiss, pressing his hand against the small of her back. Nibbling gently on her bottom lip, he slid his tongue into her mouth as soon as she parted her lips.
"I can find you a private room, if you like." Taylor jerked backwards instantly at the sound of Elijah's drawling voice. Her face had turned a lovely shade of blue, and it was only darkening as Elijah came closer. "No need to make out in the corridors."
"No need to watch, either. How long were you standing there?" She snapped, glaring over his shoulder. Connor didn't bother turning around. He didn't really want to see Elijah's smug visage looking at him right now.
"I just came this way looking for Chloe," Elijah responded with feigned innocence. "I thought you may be finished by now. Though this isn't the type of finished I had in mind."
"I will take you up on that room, thank you." Taylor responded, her glare darkening along with her blush. Connor loosened his hold on her, finally, moving to stand next to her instead. As he suspected, Elijah was giving them both that amused grin. "Hopefully it's not rigged with cameras, since you seem to be into voyeurism."
"Would I be in for a show if it was?" He returned, arching his eyebrows. Taylor sputtered, and he laughed. "When are you going to stop treating me like a creep?"
"When you stop acting like one!" She snapped. Elijah was still laughing at her expense when he waved them onward, back in the direction he'd come.