A/N: Yeah there has been a lot of great reception to this rewrite. Onward!
The Lion King 1 1/2 (A Late 16th Anniversary Rewrite): Chapter 2: The Life Of The Meerkat Colony/"Digga Tunnah"/A Skylight!
*Shouldn't be too hard to guess what everyone in the cinema is seeing on the big screen as I speak, should it?*
Pumbaa: (acting all dramatic offscreen) Pride Rock!
Timon: (also admiring Pride Rock offscreen like Pumbaa's doing) So majestic.
Pumbaa: (still being overly dramatic) So powerful!
Timon: So...bizarrely named. (Pauses the scene) Pumbaa, would you care to explain to me just HOW a rock, of all things, can be proud? I mean, come on! It's a rock! And a big POINTY rock at that!
Pumbaa: Well, I think it's mostly due to the fact that a "pride" is what people often call a group of lions, Timon.
Timon: (sarcastically) Oh, wonderful. JUST peachy. So, the lions get Pride Rock. Big deal! But what about any of us meerkats? After all, where I come from, we didn't even have NOTHIN' to be proud of! Why, (clears his throat and begins to sing) when I was a young meerkat!
Pumbaa: (joining in very loudly) WHEN HE WAS A YOUNG MEERKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT! (Blows Timon off of his seat by accident)
Timon: Whoa-OOF! (Sarcastically again) Very nice.
Pumbaa: (oblivious to his friend's sarcasm) Thanks.
Timon: (gets back onto his seat) But maybe, how about rather than sing about it like we'd normally do, we just SHOW everyone where I came from instead, hmm? Somehow, I feel that doing that would definitely be a whole lot safer for me.
Pumbaa: Oh boy! You mean we're gonna get to see where you grew up?
Timon: (bummed out) Yeah, Pumbaa. But it ain't pretty. I guess that makes it lucky that it's just you and me here watching this then, eh, pal?
Rafiki: (enters the cinema with Zazu) Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Not for much longer!
Timon: (shocked as the new arrivals enter) What the-?! Rafiki?! ZAZU?! (Facepalms) Oh no! Not you two! Who let the both of you in here? This is a PRIVATE screening! (Rafiki hits him on the head with his staff) YEOUCH! Hey, what are ya trying to do me? Give me a HEADACHE?!
Pumbaa: (begins getting excited again) Rafiki! Zazu! Boy, am I surpised to see you here today? Hey, Zazu, did I tell you yet that Rafiki's name is just so much fun to say? Rafiki, Rafiki, Rafiki!
Zazu: (rolls his eyes) Ugh. Do get ahold of yourself, Mr. Pumbaa. We are in NO mood for any of your childish shenanigans right now.
Pumbaa: (a little bit disappointed) Oh. Well...what ARE you both here for then?
Rafiki: I have brought Zazu and myself here to watch what Timon's past was like and how he became an outcast. Apparently, he's been ever so curious about it since the last time he visited the two of you with those registration forums.
Zazu: Oh, come on, Rafiki! I may be curious about it, but I'm not THAT curious about it!
Timon: What?! Show YOU TWO my past?! (Begins getting indignant) Oh no! Nuh-uh! No way! No how! Not now! Not ever! NO, NO, NO! Besides, you know pretty much all there is to know about it already being the wise old all-knowing blue-butt monkey you are, right? Why don't ya just go back where you came from and tell him the tale yourself? We're REALLY...sorta busy here!
Rafiki: Well, you know, I would if I could. But why should I when I can instead give Zazu the full experience by just sitting here and watching the story with you?
Timon: (stammering) B-b-but...
Pumbaa: (practically begging at this point) Oh, go on, Timon! Please let them stay and watch our story with us! They are our friends after all!
Timon: (still being stubborn) No way! (Gets bonked on the head by Rafiki's staff again) YEOUCH! OKAY, OKAY! FINE! You two can stay and watch! Just PLEASE stop hitting me with that thing! SHEESH!
Pumbaa: Yay!
Timon: (Sighs reluctantly) Make yourselves comfortable then. (Rafiki and Zazu sit down in two seats next to him and Pumbaa) But do trust me on this when I say...(gulps)...my past TRULY isn't pretty! (Unpauses the scene) Please remain seated while the camera is in motion.
*As the scene is now unpaused, the camera suddenly zooms away from Pride Rock at high-speed passing a few zebras grazing in the grasslands, then past the home of the hyenas known as The Elephant Graveyard, then over a really DEEP gorge, past marshlands, through the deserts, right past a dry plain of low mounds of dirt, and...whoa! Wait! STOP! THAT'S TOO FAR AWAY!*
Timon: (offscreen, noticing how far back the camera seems to be going) Whoa-whoa-WHOA! STOP! HOLD THE BUS! (The camera finally stops moving backwards) Thank you! Now, let's try this again, shall we? (Presses rewind on his remote to make the camera go back to the dry desert scenery) Ah, there we go! Much better! Welp, here we are! From Pride Rock to...(sighs glumly) my old home.
Zazu: (offscreen) THIS is where you used to live?! A barren wasteland?! I thought meerkats were supposed to live in some sort of COLONY together! Where are all the hills?!
Timon: (offscreen) Don't confuse meerkat colonies for anthills, bird-brain! There AREN'T any hills here! We lived UNDERGROUND! That's how low on the food chain we were! Although, there were a few meerkats in my family that were thinking about turning this "Pit of Shame" into something that looked a little bit like a city with buildings and everything made entirely out of dirt and sand with a front gate and a back gate added to it in hopes that it would make our lives a little bit better. But you know, that idea got dropped because...we didn't have the right kind of tools for it. Actually, scratch that. We didn't have ANY kind of tools for THAT sort of thing! Plus, everyone just preferred living how they were already living anyway. Digging tunnels and whatnot. Heck, they even had a whole entire SONG dedicated to their life's work! Just watch the scene for yourself and you'll see what I mean.
Zazu: (offscreen, groans) Oh no. Not a song.
*One by one, a whole bunch of meerkats start popping out from underground nervously chanting "What was that?!" over and over again indicating that their song is just about to begin. Then, they take the time to look both ways for any signs of danger while we briefly cut to two other meerkats standing on top of some rocks doing the exact same thing. Then, after about a minute or so of looking for danger, one of the meerkats on one of the rocks gives a shout.*
Sentry Meerkat: CLEAR!
*And then, LITERALLY two seconds later as if by magic, all the meerkats go back underground and start their jobs. And that's digging tunnels.*
[Meerkats]
Digga tunnah,
Dig, digga tunnah.
When you're done, you dig a bigger tunnah.
Digga tunnah,
Dig, digga tunnah.
Quick, before the hyena comes!
DIG!
Digga tunnah,
Dig, digga tunnah.
You can dig and never get dunnah.
Digga tunnah,
Dig, digga tunnah.
What was that?! (Briefly look both ways again for a few seconds before continuing)
Quick, before the hyena comes!
DIG!
Digga tunnah is what we do.
Life's a tunnah we're digging through.
Digga tunnah is what we sing.
Digga tunnah is everything.
Mud and clay is a meerkat's friend.
Always more around every bend.
And when you get to your tunnah's end,
Hallelujah! Let's dig again!
DIG!
Digga tunnah,
Dig, dig a tunnah. (Digga tunnah)
When you're done, you dig a bigger tunnah. (Dig a little faster)
Digga tunnah,
Dig, digga tunnah.
What was that?! (All look both ways again before continuing)
Quick, before the hyena comes!
DIG!
*Then, we see another meerkat with a slightly noticeable grey forehead indicating just how old he is walk through through the meerkat tunnels carrying a rock like some of the other meerkats wandering around are. Why? Well...okay, being honest, I'm not exactly sure.*
(Seriously though, why ARE they carrying rocks with them as they wander all around the tunnels? I mean, I get that the sticks were being carried around because they were going to use them to prop up the tunnels to keep them from collapsing, but...what do they need to carry the rocks for though? I don't get it.)
[Uncle Max]
Sing the ballad of Fearless Buzz.
[Meerkats]
Bravest meerkat there ever was.
[Uncle Max]
Said no meerkat should have to hide.
[Meerkats]
Wiped his paws off and went outside.
[Uncle Max]
Fought a fearsome hyena back.
[Meerkats]
Even till he was blue and black.
[Uncle Max]
But forgot hyenas roam in a pack.
[Meerkats]
Meerkat brave equals meerkat snack.
DIG!
(Hey, cut me some slack here. That meerkat singing this extra verse on the deleted version of this song had a voice that sounded a little bit like what Uncle Max
would have sounded like if he could sing properly. Take a closer listen for yourself and you'll see what I mean.)
*As the meerkats continue to sing their song and do their work, we see another meerkat wandering through the tunnels. But this meerkat isn't doing any digging or carrying things like rocks and sticks like the other meerkats are. Instead, she's looking for her son. For you see, this meerkat is actually Timon's mother, Ma Berkowitz. Though she's often referred to by her son as just "Ma".*
Ma: (calling out as best as she can) Timon! Where are you, son? Say something back to me if you can hear me! Timon? (Comes across some meerkats carrying rocks) Oh, excuse me? You haven't by any chance seen my son come this way, have you? Has he been through here at all? I haven't seen him and...(watches the meerkats just walk away)...well, YOU'RE no help! Sheesh! Some meerkats. Maybe I'm just not calling loud enough. (Clears her throat) TIMON! (Voice echoes across the tunnels) Ooh...maybe that was a bit TOO loud. Well, I give up. Where IS he?! (Sees Uncle Max walking past and singing offkey) Ah. I'll ask Uncle Max.
Uncle Max: (still carrying a rock, singing rather offkey) Digga tunnah, dig, digga tunnah... digga tunnah, dig, dig-
Ma: (pokes Uncle Max) Uncle Max?
Uncle Max: (screams in shock, dropping the rock he was carrying) AGH! DON'T HURT ME! I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG! IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! I SURRENDER!
Ma: Get ahold of yourself, Uncle Max. It's just me. Timon's mother. Now, have you seen Timon anywhere lately? I can't find him ANYWHERE!
Uncle Max: (calms down) Oh. (Now looks rather pleased with himself) Why, no, I haven't. But then, I haven't seen Fred anywhere around here either, so that's good news too. And oh, what a glorious day it's been for me so far with those two gone. No fractures, no lacerations, no concussions, contusions or fatal injuries of any sort.
Ma: (confused) Wait. You say Fred's missing too?
Uncle Max: Yep. But I wouldn't worry too much about it. He can take care of himself most of the time. Why, I expect he's probably working on some all new practical jokes to pull on us again. Well, he sure isn't gonna make a fool out of ME this time. Of that, I'm definitely sure.
Ma: (now getting worried) Uh oh.
Uncle Max: What? What do you mean "uh oh"?
Ma: Um...you don't think Fred is helping Timon with something again, do you?
Uncle Max: No. Why? What do you mean?
Ma: Well, it's already been established a few times in the past that Fred's help isn't exactly "helpful", if you know what I mean. Whenever that prankster helps Timon with anything, it always seems to end in disaster and poor Timon is always the one getting the blame for it.
Uncle Max: Oh, relax, Ma. I'm sure they'll be just fine. And besides, there's no sign of those two's handiwork anywhere. So, just enjoy the peace and...(suddenly hears a cracking sound) wait...what was that?!
Ma: I did warn you.
*Before anyone can say anything else, the ceiling collapses right on top of everyone until there's nothing left of the tunnels. All that remains is a weird looking ring of dirt held up on a narrow protrusion, and two meerkats standing directly under it. One is small, slim and long-limbed with yellow hair, a dark red nose and buck teeth and is laughing so much at everything that has just happened. And the other one, as you can probably guess, is poor old Timon.*
Uncle Max: (fuming) That...would be...(now shouting) TIIIIIIIIIIIIIMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON! FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!
(For those of you out there who need a quick reminder on who Fred is, I'll just sum it up for you as best as I can. Fred is a practical joke playing meerkat from the Timon and Pumbaa show who has made an appearance in only four episodes. "Tanzania Zany", "Mombasa-In-Law", "Once Upon A Timon" and "Mind Over Matterhorn". To make up for not having this particular chapter go the way I was originally going to go for, he'll be added here as an extra character being the one mostly responsible for most of Timon's screwups because they were all part of his pranks.)
Timon: (turns around to look at everyone, feeling VERY sheepish) Heh, heh, heh. Hey, everybody! Uh...how's it's...going?
Unnamed Meerkat 1: (sarcastically) Ha, ha. Nice work, you guys.
Unnamed Meerkat 2: (also being sarcastic) Yeah. Way to go, tunnel klutzes!
Unnamed Meerkat 3: (in disbelief) Who else would be THAT dumb enough to believe that Fred's ideas about "making our lives somewhat better" aren't secretly PRANKS resulting in our tunnels being destoryed over and over again?!
Unnamed Meerkat 4: Four times in one week! That's gotta be like a new world record or something!
Unnamed Meerkat 5: (stuck in the ground with his legs and tail sticking out) Uh...guys? Um...a little HELP here?!
Ma: (sighs) Oh boy.
Timon: (defiantly) What? Fred just told me to build a skylight up here just to shed a little light on our pathetic existence! How was I supposed to know this was another one of his pranks like the last few times? He didn't even SAY it was one! (The "skylight" underneath him and Fred then collapses into nothingness) Oh.
Fred: (continues to laugh hysterically) AH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
Uncle Max: (angrily walks up to the two meerkats) I'll talk to you later, young man! As for you, Timon, how many times do I have to keep telling you NOT to trust a no-good prankster like Fred? You know everything Fred tells you do is all part of his pranks! Why do you never LISTEN to me?!
Timon: But I do try to listen, Uncle Max! But I always have trouble telling right away whether or not he's planning another prank on us until it's too late and the disaster happens! I don't know HOW you can tell what he's up to beforehand when you're not even there to see him talking to me!
Uncle Max: It's because he once tricked OTHER meerkats into doing similar things that resulted in this happening to us BEFORE, Timon! That's how I know he's untrustworthy! Honestly, you'd think you'd KNOW this by now!
Ma: (drags Timon away from his uncle) Okay, Uncle Max, that's enough out of you! I'll take it from here now. Come on, Timon. (Leads him away from the scene of the collapse)
Timon: Thanks, Ma.
*Cut to grassy part of the area.*
Ma: Now, Timon, I appreciate that you want to try and make our lives a bit more better for everyone, but it just can't keep going on like this. Especially since Fred's the one always telling you how to make things better. Just this month, he's been tricking you into pulling down four walls and collapsing two tunnel exits. (Combs his hair) We have to stop listening to whatever idea he gives you and look after each other. Our survival depends on it.
Timon: What's the point? All we do is dig so we can hide, and hide so we can dig! I mean, I know we're pretty low on the food chain and all, but come on! Where's our pride? Where's our dignity? (Hair poofs back up into a bunch of spikes) Darn it. (Puts his hands over his hair) Look, I wanna be where we don't have to dig tunnels and live with our heads stuck in the sand like a bunch of ostriches! (Pushes some grass apart and gazes at the horizon) What's so bad about dreaming of a better home anyway? Think about it, Ma. Maybe there's a place out there with no hyenas. A place where we don't have to run or dig tunnels.
Ma: (sighs as she joins him at the gap of the grass) Timon, I wanna show you something. Now, look out there, Timon.
Timon: (confused) Uh...isn't that what I was ALREADY doing, Ma?
Ma: (shifts his head slightly to make him look at the horizon) Go on, look. (Camera pulls back to a panoramic view) Look out to the horizon, past the trees, over the grasslands. (Timon grows a huge smile on his face) Everything the light touches...belongs to someone else!
Timon: (smile goes away instantly) Oh. (Pushes the grass back together) Way to kill the mood there, Ma. I honestly thought you were going a whole different direction with this.
Ma: I'm sorry, son. But what can I say? That's just the way things are. Dignity doesn't have anything to do with it at all. It's just nature's design.
Uncle Max: (appears out of the grass suddenly) She's right! (Holds Timon close in fear) We're nothing but FOOD for other animals! A moveable feast that's feared by no one and eaten by ALL!
Timon: (awkwardly) But...I've been told that when they die, they're bodies become the grass. And...we EAT the grass...right?
Uncle Max: (suddenly a lot more calmer) Not exactly. We can't really digest grass. We're grass intolerant and have very sensitive stomaches. Who told you all that nonsense about dead bodies becoming grass and meerkats eating said grass anyway? Was it Fred? I wouldn't be surprised if it was.
(Okay, time to get serious again for a brief minute here because...yeah. That's just messed up. How EXACTLY does a dead body in The Lion King universe become grass anyway? Because...that's just dumb. No offence intended to anyone, by the way. I just find this logic of Mufasa's...VERY confusing!)
Ma: (drags Timon away again) Okay, Max! Thank you! You've been a big help! (Turns to Timon) Now, dear, I-
Uncle Max: (appearing out of another stand of grass) MEERKAT! It's what's for dinner! No one is safe! Do you hear me?! NO ONE!
Ma: (points back to where he came from) THANK you, Uncle Max!
Uncle Max: (looks at the camera, groaning) Ugh! Why do I even bother? (Disappears)
Timon: You know, Ma, as rude as this may sound, I think Uncle Max dislodged one too many rocks with his skull.
Ma: But he's right though, Timon. (Sighs and tries to comb his hair again) I just KNOW there's a way for you to fit in around here. I just KNOW it. (Squishes a bug into hair gel and spreads it across Timon's hair) There we go. Good as new. (A single strand springs back up) Oops. Spoke too soon, didn't I?
Timon: (sighs) Why do you do things like this to me, Ma? Just why?
Uncle Max: (offscreen somewhere) Alright, who's on sentry duty?
Ma: (perks up with inspiration, gasping) That's it! That's it! My son on sentry duty! Why didn't I think of this idea before? It's brilliant! Timon the sentry!
A/N: Yay! The chapter is done! I'll be taking down the PSA so that everyone will know that this project is back on track. Bye for now! R&R everyone!