A/N: Greetings and salutations! Please enjoy this stupid lovechild conceived out of the sheer boredom that is quarantine and a deep love and appreciation for the works it's inspired by. For all intents and purposes, this is a parody. A cursed but entertaining parody.

We the authors, S and J (FlashyOliveMuffins), present to you...Sparks and Restoration.

Central Hyrule Parks and Recreation Department - Formal Conference Room

Mabe Village, Central Hyrule Province

12:59PM

Chapter One: Central Hyrule is Burning

The pieces of the puzzle Link Eppone had meticulously prodded into place were finally finding their rightful place. A hearty grin graced his lips as the scent of magnolia trees and summer cherry blossoms that lined the walkway of the Central Hyrule Municipal Building wafted into his nose. The midsummer morning was filled with promise, shaping up to be unlike any that Link had experienced during his two years working for the Parks and Recreation department. Today is the day that everything changes.

A pertinent strategy meeting was called during lunch hour for the entire department. To ensure a full house in the conference room, Link catered only the finest cuisine that Mabe Village had to offer: Kilton's Hot and Ready Monster Madness platters spaced neatly on a fold-out table against the back wall. Link's heart swelled with pride as his coworkers shuffled into the room. The sweet smell of fried moblin guts and savory lynel hooves filled the air.

"You've all arrived on time for once!" he exclaimed, grasping at his chest to still his beating heart.

As soon as his excitement escalated, it was immediately snuffed by a violent flick to the back of the head. "Stop crying, it's annoying," Riju said. She had her eyes glued to her phone, but managed to land a perfect hit on Link's unsurprisingly tender head. Though the pain flared in the back of his skull, he couldn't help but feel proud that the ever disinterested Riju Floodgate decided to show up at all today. After gaining her college credit fulfillment, Link was beaming with pride to discover she had accepted a personal assistant position with the director.

"A genius ruse by an undeniable moron," Teba Flyson quipped as he glided into the room. "I still believe that meetings are meaningless and stupid, but since you kept incessantly knocking on my office door and almost cracked my bulletproof glass, I am reluctantly here to actively not listen to anything you have to say."

Link patted his boss's shoulder endearingly. "Just grab a plate and put your noise cancelling earphones in or something. But you won't be able to ignore the energy for too long, because this meeting is going to be booming with big ideas in just a minute!"

Sheer disdain twisted Teba's face. To escape the clutches of his overly eager assistant director, he swiftly grabbed a plate and piled on a surplus of meats and guts. He opted to select the seat on the opposite end of the table. No idle hands would dare disturb him at this far a distance.

Midna Black tapped his arm before he could revel in his newfound bliss. She leaned over and whispered, "So, I've got a date in forty. If this goes over, I'm good to bail, right?"

"Miss Black, I honestly couldn't care less about any personal details of your dating life you may feel inclined to share with me," Teba deadpanned.

"Sweet."

Purah Hattenford plopped herself next to Midna and gave her a sly nudge. "Is it that guy from Telma's Bar last night? He looked revolting. I'm jealous."

Link cleared his throat and clapped three times. This technique that he modeled after a daycare teacher seemed to work well with this crowd, as they always reared their heads towards him whenever he initiated it. "Alright, team. It's time to get to work. Or should I say…it's time to get to booming?"

Link beamed at his colleagues, followed by an onslaught "boos" from Riju that filled in the silence. In retaliation, Link reached under the table and slammed binders labeled "Idea Binders" onto the cherrywood surface. Their mere presence elicited in a collective groan from his peers.

"You've got to be kidding me," Midna muttered.

Riju tapped away at the keys on her cellphone. "He never kids."

"She's right." Link cracked open the first binder and sifted through its pages. "I don't mess around when it comes to municipal government. And this, pals, is definitely no laughing matter. Today is the day that, as assistant director of the Central Hyrule Parks and Recreation Department, I spearhead our first large-scale project!"

"And you needed us for this, why?" Midna groaned. "Why did you even bring in your stupid binders if this is supposed to be a group discussion?"

"You know everyone is just going to go with whatever you come up with anyway," added Riju. "This is stupid, I hereby announce this meeting adjourned."

"W-Wait stop! Don't get up!" Link scrambled and waved his hands frantically as his coworkers began to rise from their seats. "Okay, yes that's true, but I need you all for your input and advice on how best to proceed." Purah raised her hand. Link nodded at her, "Yes?"

"Yeah, so if this is an ideas meeting for the PRD, then why is horse girl here?"

Link followed Purah's accusatory finger to Malon Ranch, sitting to his right, still dressed in her scrubs from her rounds at the Mabe Animal Hospital. She looked up at Link expectantly. "I mean, she's got a point," she conceded. "Why am I in this meeting? I don't even work here. I haven't even showered in the last forty-eight hours and I want to go home—"

Link firmly grasped Malon's hands. A deep blush dusted her pale, freckled cheeks. "You are here for moral support and because your radiant energy will up the morale in case the troops need an extra boost."

Teba smacked his lips as he tore into his fourth meat skewer.

"Also you're here in case we need a medic for heart resuscitation," Link added thoughtfully.

"I—well, okay," she murmured.

Purah cupped her hands over her mouth and shouted, "Get a room." Riju silently hissed in Malon's direction. The animosity between the two of them was not completely lost on Link, but he never dared address it; especially not during what was supposed to be a productive meeting.

"Wait, you're a nurse right?" Midna lifted a leg onto the table and gestured to a horrid red massacre of bumps sprinkled on her ankle. "See, I've got this rash that popped up after my last pedicure. If it's something I can sue them for, will you diagnose it for me?"

"It's—I mean, I can't really diagnose, that's not my—"

Midna clapped her hands. "Great, so I'll swing by the hospital 'round sixish tomorrow, okay?"

"Moving on! So." Link removed the clicker from his jacket pocket and turned to the presentation that awaited on the television behind him. "Today is possibly the greatest day in history for our department. Today, we begin planning the-Malon, drumroll!"

Malon jolted upright and furiously tapped her pale fingers against the table.

"Central. Hyrule. Beautification. Initiative!"

The name slams onto the screen in a furious flurry. His colleagues stifled a collective snicker-it was clear that Link had spent countless hours playing with the animation effects on PowerPoint. He flashed a wide smile at his coworkers, an overwhelming sense of pride clear on his face. Disappointed but not surprised, he was once again met with crickets and deadpanned glares.

Link pressed the clicker again, and a white blank slide blinded the audience. "This," Link said as he waved a glamorous hand across the screen, "is our canvas. Ever since Castleton broke off into its own province near the castle, the rest of Central Hyrule has essentially been abandoned by any kind of royal restoration projects. The Royal History and Preservation Society has donated countless rupees to Castleton and its historic relics and parks, but the rest of our province has been tossed to the wayside. Why?"

"Because no one cares." The accuracy at which Riju mimicked Link's upbeat, raucous voice sent slight chills down his spine.

"But, we should care! Even though we are a department that oversees one of Hyrule's most expansive park and wildlife preserves, we've received little to no proposals for community events or fundraisers, and we've also never requested additional funds in our budget to help repurpose and restore the multitude of relics that are scattered across Central Hyrule."

Midna clicked her tongue. "That's not true, we received an event proposal last week for a mushroom picking festival. You rejected it."

"Those guys wanted to smoke the shrooms, Midna, not pick them. And they were trying to book the Mabe Kids' Kingdom Park for their smoke out."

"I fail to see the issue."

Link opened and shut his mouth, struggling at the right words to describe the numerous issues with said shroom festival. Midna shrugged and resumed fiddling with a strand of her flaming orange hair.

"What I have prepared for you all today are ideas that we can use to kick off our beautification project. I want you all to review my Idea Binders and figure out what would be the best starting point." Link reached into his satchel that sat patiently on his seat and began passing out packets to the staff. "This is my newly proposed budget plan for the coming year. As I mentioned, no directors in the past have requested additional funds. We are tight on money as it is around here, what with the lack of fundraisers and royal clout. So, I took the liberty of filing formal requests to the Royal Treasury Council at Parliament for a significant budget increase."

Teba shook his head disapprovingly but remained silent, choosing instead to lick monster platter grease from his fingers. Big government, especially any interference from agencies with "royal" at the front of the name, was the bane of his existence.

Link continued. "This expansion to our budget will gain access to more vendors for fundraising events, apply for grants that can be put toward refurbishing and restoring historic landmarks like the Exchange and Garrison Ruins, and so on. We could hire a more established city planner—like Bolson in Hateno—to shape Mabe Village into the shining city it always deserved to be. Safula Hill to the west of here could serve as our first official National Park."

The negative energy in the room dissipated. Malon gave him a thumbs up to keep going. Taking a deep breath, he added, "If we can nab Safula Hill, then we'll finally have a chance to show Castleton just how amazing the rest of Central Hyrule really is."

Hook, line, and sinker.

"It ain't a bad idea," said Midna. "Maybe this dump of a province will actually stand a fighting chance against those a-holes north of here."

Purah added, "I've gotten kind of sick looking at all of that graffiti thrown up by the Yigas. It couldn't hurt to jumpstart a community cleaning initiative." Everyone threw her a skeptical eye, and then she said, "And I also hate those elitist bastards in Castleton. My ex lives there. It's a personal vendetta."

Tears burned at the corners of Link's eyes. "You guys…this is the first time you've shown such initiative, such passion! I'm truly grateful!"

"Shut up and pass the binders around, stupid," Riju said. She finally tucked her phone in her back pocket and helped Link pass around copies of the budget proposals. When attempting to hand one to Teba, he took it and immediately crumpled and threw it into the nearest trash bin. Malon accepted a copy, though when she opened the folder, she wasn't exactly sure what to make of the numbers and rupee signs scrawled across smooth paper. Her mind drifted to the soft down feather bed that awaited her in her lofty apartment.

Meanwhile, Link's heart soared to new heights. Where his department lacked in passion for local government, they made up for in heated competition. Their wanton desire to crush Castleton's reputation into the ground would propel the success of transforming Central Hyrule into a what he had always dreamed of: a glistening region accentuated by its grand national parks, renowned for its preservation of historic landmarks and revitalization of the numerous cultures and traditions that make Hyrule into the kingdom that it is.

A brazen knock sounded on the conference room door. The office clerk bumbled his way in, his blue eyes wide and weary.

"Uh, guys," he started, sweat dripping down his absurdly large forehead, "we got some news from a clerk who works at the Royal Treasury."

This is it, Link thought. Today, of all days, the final piece of his precious puzzle fell exactly into place. Who knew that it would only take a week for the Royal Treasury Council to answer his budget requests?

"Well, what did they say?" Link gripped the edge of the conference table in violent anticipation, his eyes bulging out of his head with the force of the stare he leveled at the clerk.

"Yeah, Bonobo, speak up or pipe down." Riju glared down the anxious clerk with dark, dead eyes.

The gargantuan of a man gulped, "it's Yunobo—ah, geez, whatever," as he extracted a folded up post-it note from his back pocket. "The clerk called a few days ago about some auditors coming down to the building today. They wanted to discuss your budget proposal and thought it best to inform you a few days prior so you can prepare."

Link clenched his jaw. "I'm sorry, did you—did you say a few days ago? They called days ago?"

"Yeah, see, I meant to leave this post-it note on your office phone the day I received the call, but I guess it got, uh, stuck or something and I found it in my pocket when I returned from lunch today. Just so happened I wore the same pants today. Lucky me, right? Anyways, they're actually-"

"You're telling me that royal auditors from the Royal Treasury Council are on their way here—now —and you failed to tell me about it?"

The room filled to the brim with Teba's boisterous laughter, as he was barely able to contain his glee at the irony of the situation. Royal auditors sent to a district were harbingers of death - spreadsheets and calculators in hand to slash and murder a town or surrounding province's budget.

"Way to go, Bonobo," Riju jeered.

Midna chimed in, "Yeah, nice going, Bonobo. Purah, put five rupes on me in the Bonobo Jar."

"Already put in ten." Purah rattled a jar with a taped down post-it on the glass. A crude scrawling of Bonobo's face sat front and center. The jar was filled to the brim with vibrant rupees.

Yunobo frowned. "You guys, I'm trying to tell you that the auditors are—"

"For Hylia's sake, get out, Bonobo!" Link fumed, pushing the clerk out of the office and slamming the door shut. He ran a stressed hand through his disheveled hair. How were they going to turn this around? The staff was only just briefed on the new budget proposal. The Treasury could have simply faxed him a memo either approving or denying his request.

"It's weird, though," Purah pondered. She tapped her chin thoughtfully. That was a first. "Why would royal auditors be coming in person? An approval could have been delivered to you by paper or email or something, right?"

"They had to come," Link breathed. His fists were clenched, nails impressing crescent moon marks into the palms of his skin. "They're coming in person because of the budget we currently have, not the one I've proposed. That has to be it. What other explanation could there be?"

"And they outrank everyone here, so there's no use in fighting it," said Teba, melting into his chair and assuming a position of tranquil bliss. "To a simple man like me, this could be taken as a philosophical nightmare: Parliament sending in a team to infiltrate our frontlines and tamper with our taxpayers' rupees. But here we are, and I'm enjoying every second of this so far."

"They're going to slash us to bits." Link raked his fingers over his face. "Just when I requested that we receive more funding, they're coming to slash Mabe to bits!"

"Now calm down, Link, we have no idea what they're going to do," said Teba with a sinister smile.

"They're not coming to just pat us on the back! They're here to slash and burn before we even have a chance to get started. We wanted more money, not less!" Link seemed to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

"I'd be fine with that. We live in a diseased world run by elitist slobs who spend rupees on crap nobody needs. They gobble the rupees and—oh look! They shit out more meaningless social programs!"

"That's what the government is supposed to do, Teba," Link argued. His blood pressure skyrocketed, pulse quickening in perfect rhythm. "We are supposed to provide services to the people. How are we going to provide services-" He took a steadying breath, and with a sharp exhale, seethed, "-withnomoney?!"

Malon rose from her seat and settled steady hands on her friend's shoulders. "Link, look. I'm not well versed in the world of local government, but I know you. You've never backed down from a challenge. Whatever these auditors have to say can always be turned around and negotiated with, right?" Her lips curved into a warm smile. "And if it's you, you can do anything. You're Link Eppone! Now, can you please wrap all of this up so that I can go home and change out of these disgusting scrubs?"

Tears seared his eyes. With a swift sniff, Link gathered his remaining composure and met the eyes of his incredulous staff with newfound rejuvenation. This was the beginning of everything; there was no time to grovel in self-pity or panic. The department had lots of work to do and stacks of paperwork to file. "Team, it's time for a new plan. Whatever these heralds of financial death advise, whatever sweet, malicious words they spout out of their disgusting, vile mouths, we will not stand down. This is for the sake of Mabe!" Silence hung in the room.

"And to crush Castleton into the cold hard ground?" Link ventured. The conference room, dimly-lit and draped in depressing grays and blues, came alight with determination. Even Riju, whose deadly disposition struck fear into the hearts of those she met, came alive for a split second with a single small smile. The office clerk—Bonobo?—pressed his face to the glass and mouthed what Link could only interpret as words of encouragement.

With all the power he could muster, he announced, "Alright, team, let's do—!"

The door to the conference room swung open once more. Link prepared a multitude of curses to fire off at Bonobo for the interruption, but his eyes did not meet those of the bumbling clerk.

Sharp, unfamiliar eyes studied him coolly. A woman with a black leather folder tucked neatly under her arm, strode into the cramped conference room. Trailing behind her was a man of equal, attractive caliber. Both strangers sported the Hyrulean royal insignia, embroidered in shimmering gold thread, on the breast pocket of their suits. Midna fanned herself as she appraised the dark-haired man in the annoyingly slim fitted tapered pants.

Even Link had to admit: this man had an amazing ass.

Bonobo stumbled back into the room and said, "Sorry boss, I was trying to warn you that they're already here."

The woman settled herself at the head of the table, with the man standing at attention behind her. A dazzling smile was permanently plastered on his chiseled face, where in contrast, the woman's lips were set in a hard line. The room seemed torn in two. It was a good cop and bad cop scenario. Link's blood ran ice cold.

These were the royal auditors.

"Good afternoon," the woman said, her voice prim and precise. Pale, nimble fingers hovered over the leather folder.

The man behind her, never losing his smile, greeted the staff. "I'm Ravio Rager, a royal auditor to the Royal Treasury of Parliament. This is my partner, Zelda. May we clear the room and speak with the director and assistant director of this department for a few moments?"

"You could speak with me. I'm sure we'd have lots to talk about." Midna smacked her lips and crossed her legs. Her predatory eyes roamed Ravio's lithe figure. Instead of retreating, his smile grew tenfold.

"Of course! You seem delightful." Ravio turned to Link. "Just after we have a brief meeting with those in charge."

"Whatever you have to say, you can say in front of my team. We all make decisions around here. Together." Link possessed many formidable attributes, the least flattering of which was his inability to identify his coworkers' disinterest. He turned to give them a reassuring thumbs up, but the seats were empty. Everyone had already fled the room, with Midna lingering by the doorway to give Ravio one more once over.

As the door clicked shut, Zelda gestured to the seats across from her. Ravio pulled out the chairs in chivalric fashion.

"Please have a seat," he said brightly.

Link glanced at Teba. The director shrugged and took a compliant seat, with Link following close after him. A pregnant silence swelled in the space between the auditors and the directors. Link's throat tightened as he watched them sift through their folders.

Ravio wagged a knowing finger in Teba's direction. "Your name…is Teba Flyson." Teba grunted out a stiff noise of confirmation. "I will never forget it from this point on. And you are Link Eppone."

Link nodded. Sweat threatened to make a reappearance on his palms.

"Amazing! It's wonderful to match a name with the face. And what a handsome face it is. In fact, after this meeting, I would love a tour of the department led by you two gentleman. You seem to run a tight ship here in Mabe."

Taken aback by the positive energy radiating off of the royal auditor, Link wondered if he had assumed wrong about this visit. They did mention it would be brief; perhaps protocol had changed and the Treasury now sent in-person approvals to local departments. He smiled, toying with the thought. With an auditor like Ravio, this meeting couldn't be a foreboding of budget slashing. Making eye contact with Ravio was like staring straight into the sun without going completely blind.

"Now, we just want to say that Mabe Village is a wonderful town with limitless potential. It's no wonder that the parks department for this province is stationed here." Ravio marched in place, his body vibrating with excitement as he spoke. "Zelda and I are not here to alarm you or wreak havoc. We know how auditors, especially royal auditors, can seem when we show up in person. But rest assured, we're simply here to talk about the awesome budget proposal you sent to the council. It's going to be swift, clean, and smooth. And that's the Ravio guarantee!"

Link finally understood why people flirted with the idea of staring at the sun.

"Now before we begin, replenishing potion? Replenishing potion? Replenishing potion? Yes?" Ravio waved finger guns at each party, not bothering to wait for confirmation before sliding out of the office.

The room descended into a painful silence following Ravio's abrupt exit. Zelda leveled her gaze onto the contents of her folder. As she shuffled and reviewed, Link couldn't help but attempt to dispel the tension that settled between them. The dark green pin that held back her blonde hair caught his attention.

"Um… I like your hairpin."

Dead silence.

"So. Zelda. That's a regal name. Any relation to—"

"I'd like to discuss your requests for a budget increase you sent to the Royal Treasury Council."

Link swallowed. Right to the point. "Ah, yes. I requested an increase to our department's annual budget, effective immediately if approved. You see, we've kickstarted a—"

Zelda waved her hand dismissively. "No need to recount the details written in your formal request. I've read over it. Quite a few times. It's admirable."

The corners of Link's lips twitched into a nervous smile. Now that he got a good look, this Zelda auditor wasn't so bad. A bit rigid and expressionless, but maybe she was harmless. Like Ravio.

"However, upon review of your request, the Treasury thought it best to meet with you in person to state your case rather than make a big scene and involve the Royal Bureau of Investigation." Before Link could even open his mouth to respond, the auditor closed her folder and clasped her hands. "The Royal Treasury Council found your requests for a budget increase of this size to be suspect."

The room fell silent once again. Next to him, Link could feel Teba shaking as he held in his laughter. Link froze in place. It took every fiber of his being to push out an interrogative, "I beg your pardon?"

Zelda let out an exasperated sigh, as if he were wasting her time, but proceeded to explain. "The Central Hyrule Parks and Recreation Department's annual budget is recorded on average as twenty-thousand rupees per fiscal year, out of the provincial Central Hyrule's budget of approximately one million rupees."

"I can assure you, I've pored over every single file in our past budget reports," Link countered. "What does this have to do with my proposal being suspect?"

"Mr. Eppone, I can assure you, that the budget increase you've requested for your department is, in a word, ludicrous. If you had truly analyzed your past fiscal reports down to the letter, you would have made note that Castleton takes seventy-five percent of the Central Hyrule account. Leaving your department with not twenty-thousand rupees, but-"

"Five thousand." Link was aghast. He felt the blood all but drain from his face. "That can't be true. Castleton was declared a provincial realm within itself, how can it still take from our budget?"

Zelda raised an eyebrow-a subtle way of her contemplating whether or not he was the biggest idiot she had ever met. Before the silence could settle any longer, she said, "The capitol is the center of Hyrule. I don't believe I need to explain the intricacies of the royal purse to you if you hadn't bothered to brush up on basic finance before sending in your request."

Teba erupted into a fit of giggles as Link glared at her. Zelda adjusted her glasses, and reopened her folder to hand him a copy of his proposal, marked savagely with blood red ink. "Now, considering that Mabe alone is barely holding its head above water, I've taken liberties with your proposed budget and made the necessary adjustments."

"Liberties?" Link scoffed, processing the bleeding pages of his slashed budget proposal. "You've completely killed us. You'd be bleeding us out!"

"You fail to grasp the severity of your department's situation. What you are wanting to do with a budget of your size is not only impossible, it's insane."

"That's why I proposed a budget increase!"

"You requested a twelve million rupee increase. For what? Restoration projects across the province? With what services? Mabe is hardly the prime location for a provincial beautification project such as yours. It's rampant with petty crime and populated by self-absorbed, oblivious idiots who couldn't care less about what happens to the land they live on. It lacks reliable sources of revenue. It lacks necessity. You do not have the means nor the grounds to propose such a ridiculously high increase with the funds you currently have. The severe lack of external revenue this province receives annually also does not help your case. This whole proposal and, frankly, this town reeks to high heaven."

Teba's giggles evolved into roaring fits of laughter. "What did I tell you, Link?" he chortled as he wiped tears from his eyes. "Parliament is full of elitist snobs."

Zelda recoiled. "Excuse me?"

"Oh, no please, I mean no disrespect. I'm enjoying watching you rip this place to shreds. There is so much waste in this department, I don't even know where to start."

She scrutinized him closely, unsure of whether to engage in conversation. Carefully, she said, "Then...thank you for understanding."

"However, as much as I hate to admit this, Link is not capable of financial corruption." Teba gave him a once over. "I mean, look at the kid. He's just a scrawny idiot who added a few too many zeroes to his pipe dream proposal."

Zelda sighed. "Be that as it may, the council still thought it appropriate that we come and observe your department's financial activity over the course of the next month."

Link waved a defiant hand. "Wait, wait, wait. Ravio said that this meeting would be brief. Now, you're both staying? For an entire month?" Sitting alert, he surveyed the room. "Now that I think about it, why didn't he ever come back?"

"Ravio said all of that drivel because it sounds a lot better than 'we'll be policing your every move while also gutting your department with a Gerudo scimitar.'" Zelda slapped her folder shut, and rose gracefully from her seat. "And that coward left because when it comes to business, he'd rather I deal out the bad news, especially when clients are people like you. Hopeful, doe-eyed newbies in the realm of local government who believe they can do as they please and change the world one form at a time."

Before exiting, Zelda threw out one last retort over her shoulder. "While I search for a suitable office space in this sorry excuse of a municipal building, maybe you should sit here for a while and turn those 'big dreams' of yours into realistic plans for this province. 'Crunch the numbers before you act' sort of thing."

The door clicked shut, and Link was left stunned with a blank mind.

And Teba, who looked idly at the door, wondered aloud, "What's a non-creepy way of asking her to go hunting with me?"

We're fucked.

A/N: Leave us a little love tap (a review) to let us know what you think. We're shameless review whores!