A/N: The crackfic continues. Here is Chapter Two, for your viewing pleasure.
From S and J, we present to you, Sparks and Restoration.
Central Hyrule Parks and Recreation Department -Main Office
Mabe Village, Central Hyrule Province
Tuesday, 10:03AM
Chapter Two: Drunk Thoughts
"Listen up, team, I'm not usually one for speeches so…goodbye."
Teba turned on the heel of his boot and slammed his office door shut. The Parks and Recreation department had gathered in the main office for a staff meeting, exchanging inquisitive stares with one another. Ever since the royal auditors had settled into the municipal building a few days ago, Link had confined himself to his private office while Teba reclined on his own with a sleeping mask and noise cancelling earbuds. Even in these circumstances, the work ethic of the deputy director eclipsed that of his superior.
Midna and Purah squeezed onto the small faded couch, with the former casually sipping a cup of black coffee. Riju sat across from them at her desk, punching random numbers on the phone in efforts to squash the boredom that silently roared within her. With Teba out of commission and Link hyper focused on civil service, the staff found themselves pleasantly disposed around the office.
"Even though our budget's been murdered and we may lose our jobs," Midna said as she swirled the remaining black liquid in her mug, "I think this has been the most zen I've felt since working here."
"Speak for yourself," Riju muttered. She blew a defiant strand of striking red hair out of her peripheral vision. "I'm usually an expert at doing nothing, but we've been sitting here for two days straight braiding each other's hair and listening to Bonobo pass gas every five minutes. Nothing sparks joy anymore."
Tucked away in a secluded corner of the main area, Yunobo's mouth opened and closed in efforts to form some kind of witty retort. As per usual, he failed and resigned to skulking around the office to find tasks that could distract from the internalized sadness within. Riju made a mental note to log onto his computer later and mess with his email signature.
Purah sank deep into the couch and kicked her legs up on the nearby coffee table. Her lips dipped into her signature pout—a horrible sign that the universe was off kilter and must immediately be set right. "You guys catch that lovely little mural on the side of the building this morning?"
"You mean that avant garde Sheikah eye?" Midna asked dazedly, as is her fashion when she is usually busy thinking about anything other than the conversation at hand.
"It is NOT a Sheikah eye!" Purah fumed. Her cheeks were flushed and steam practically shot out of her pointed ears. "That drunken excuse of an eye is straight up racist. It's upside down and totally misrepresents what the Sheikah stands for, for Hylia's sake."
Midna cast her a cursory glance. "You sure are getting worked up about some idiots making their mark on the world."
"Yeah, well it ain't art if it's racist."
Setting her mug on the table, Midna asked, "So, like, where are you from?"
"Hyrule. Obviously."
"Okay, but…really."
Purah blinked flatly. "My parents are Sheikah, Midna. You want to talk about origin stories? Why don't you tell me a little bit about the Twilight Realm? You know hometown hatred is my favorite flavor of disgust."
At this, Midna raised her hands in a sign of defeat and shifted her focus on a pesky hangnail. Stirring the pot may have been her forte, but unwarranted bonding sessions concerning familial drama and hometown hatred was something else entirely.
In the midst of the lingering silence that followed, Purah perked up and jumped to her feet. Her tiny hands felt around her breast pocket and extracted a handful of neon flyers. Midna and Riju eyed her cautiously.
"While we may soon be condemned to the eighth circle of hell aptly named 'unemployment,' I decided to take it upon myself to assemble the troops and plan for us one last hurrah before that happens!" Purah tossed the flyers into the air.
Midna snatched one mid-air, narrowing her eyes and analyzing the obnoxiously loud text printed on it.
"You're throwing a layoff party," she deadpanned. "At Telma's, of all places."
Purah snapped her fingers. "Maybe if I'm lucky, I'll meet a guy as equally revolting as the dude you met the other night."
"Purah, aren't you married?" Yunobo quipped, huddled over a filing cabinet.
"Shut the hell up, Bonobo."
Turning her attention back to her selling point, Purah wrung her hands maniacally. "You know, the Gossip Stone wrote in an article that Telma's is the sexiest, most dangerous bar in all of Central Hyrule."
"They did not write that," Midna said.
"Fine, I added the word 'sexiest.' Doesn't change the fact that tonight is going to be an absolute rager. And it would make you losers sexy and dangerous by default." Purah flung a vagrant arm around Riju, who stiffened at the unwanted physical contact. "Besides, if it is the end of the road for us, why not go out with a bang?"
Riju said, "Can't. I've been sober for twenty years now."
"You mean you've been underage for twenty years," Midna retorted.
At this, Riju simply rolled her eyes and resumed her absentminded typing.
The incessant clicking of the clock drummed against the walls of Link's ears. It pulled his thoughts this way and that, leaving little room to focus on the millionth and one expenditure report that he poked and prodded for the last few hours. Why people in Mabe kept requesting a nudist moon festival was beyond him; those kinds of festivities were strictly Terminian by nature, and more or less offensive to the eyes.
For the past forty-eight hours, he had pored over every expenditure report and budget request that's ever crossed his desk. It was a futile attempt at inspiration, some sort of exhibition he could present to the auditors as to why they shouldn't be taking a machete and gutting out whatever money the department had left.
"You really should get these lights fixed." Stationed at the corner of his office was Malon, idly picking at her nails. The fluorescent bulbs above flickered in rhythmic timing with the clock.
"Aren't you hungry yet? My rounds finished at ten this morning and I held off lunch because you said you wanted to grab a bite with me and go over your master plan," she mumbled impatiently.
Link tore his eyes away from the computer screen and cast her a cursory glance. "How can you think about food right now? Didn't you have your arm elbow deep in a horse's—"
"Yes and I've already sanitized my body head to toe since then," she snapped, promptly cutting him off. She sank into the chair and kicked her legs furiously at the air.
"C'mon, I need sustenance. You're depriving me of my right to eat good food."
"The food in the municipal commissary is good food." Link rolled his eyes.
"Yeah. If you enjoy food poisoning."
Link expelled a great sigh. "If you're hungry, just go grab something off the lot. It's my fault for thinking I'd be sane enough to even eat today, but ever since those evil, coldhearted snakes sank their fangs into my budget proposal, I haven't been able to think straight."
"I've never been able to think straight," Malon said. The punchline fell on deaf ears, as Link groaned and repeatedly banged his head against his desk.
"What am I supposed to do, Malon? Not only is my proposal dead, the whole department's budget is going to be murdered and there's nothing I can do about it."
"To be fair, twelve million rupees seems like a big ask."
Link flung his hands into the air, seething, "You accidentally add a few zeros to a budget proposal in the euphoria of political excitement and then they send rabbit man and ice queen to come and turn your whole world upside."
Malon leaned over and gingerly patted Link's back. "Look, what you just said made absolutely no sense to me, but I do know one thing: you're going to figure this out. Nothing's ever scared you before, so why let some asshats from Castleton come and crush your fighting spirit?"
"You're right," he sniffed. "I've just got to come up with an alternative plan. Maybe there's a way I can prove to those auditors that Central Hyrule has a potential for greatness."
"And look around you—" Malon gestured to the color-coded idea binders that were aligned meticulously on his bookshelves. "You have all of these awesome ideas at your disposal. By the end of the week, I'm sure you'll come up with a plan that's going to knock their socks off."
Link's heart swelled with emotion at his friend's words. He stopped himself short of hugging her, remembering where her hands had been—or rather in—not a few hours earlier.
"You're the best, Mal," he said. Wiping a stray trail of snot from his nose, he felt his energy slowly return to him. His stomach rumbled in response.
Malon smiled. "Why don't we go grab some of that dubious food from the commissary?"
The two of them emerged from Link's office and entered the fray of chaos that was the main area of the department. Midna and Purah were chattering back and forth about some party that caught Link's attention.
"You're throwing a what?"
Purah flashed him a devious grin. "Consider it a celebration amongst future former coworkers, and you are definitely coming, boss man!"
Before Link could even feel deflated at his department's cavalier reaction to the possibility of layoffs, she shoved a flyer into his chest. "What in Hylia's name is an Akkalan Fireblaster?"
"You'll know it when you taste it," she replied cryptically.
And taste it he did. The red, frothy liquid-rife with processed spicy peppers and rimmed with salt seasoned with goron spice-set his mouth aflame. White hot heat spread like wildfire and scorched the back of his throat. Link snatched the nearest mug of milkwine and chugged the chilled alcohol as fast as he could.
"You really kicked it back," Malon remarked in awe, nursing her own milkwine tenderly in her hands. The sweat on her brow began to recede, having finally recovered from her own battle with the Akkalan Fireblaster.
The blaring music of Telma's bar vibrated beneath them. After the tireless work day came to an end, Purah awaited everyone's arrival in the municipal lobby for another ambush. It didn't take long for her to bombard everyone in the department with excuses to go to the layoff bash, and even resorted to threatening Yunobo that if he didn't attend, he'd find that all of his staplers and pens would mysteriously disappear from his desk, never to be seen again.
So, with a mixture of reluctance and anticipation for the drunken euphoria that awaited them, the Parks and Recreation department dominated the local bar for what Purah believed to be their last celebration as coworkers. Telma's was lit head to toe in strobing, neon lights, and tacky but endearing decorum such as streamers and balloons littered the air. Upon entering the bar, Purah had ordered a round of Akkalan Fireblasters as promised, and everyone drifted off to revel in the night's discounted libations courtesy of Purah.
Midna positioned herself precariously at the bar, toying mindlessly with the stirrer in her drink as she surveyed the selection of potential targets for the night. Link knew his coworker to be promiscuous, but had rarely ever seen her in her natural habitat. Riju somehow managed to get past the bouncer, but Link had lost sight of her when drinks were given out. His eyes drifted over to Purah, who was ever the hostess and regaling a herd of strangers with her various technical accomplishments, embellishing here and there what exactly constituted an "accomplishment" for her.
Eventually, Malon arrived. She and Link settled into a small booth that overlooked the bar's dance floor. People watching had been an age-long tradition in their friendship, and it proved to be heightened when plastered.
As Link's second-degree mouth burns slowly recovered, he took another decisive swig of milkwine to be sure. Malon watched him carefully, a sad gleam in her eye.
"You know what? I've been thinking."
"Uh oh," Link said, hiccuping.
"You should come up with your own budget plan. Seize your destiny by the balls." She jabbed an unsteady finger at his shoulder. "You've always been a go-getter. So, go get em."
"Only one drink in and you're already sloshed," he laughed. "You already gave me your obligatory 'best friend' speech earlier, remember? And besides, I don't think I can play God like that-an angrier, boobless version of Hylia who just fires Bonobo for no reason."
They both glanced over at Yunobo, who was rambling drunkenly to an increasingly agitated Teba. "You'd fire Bonobo?" Malon asked.
"Nah. Well-I don't know. Not necessarily. Anyways, I have no idea what the auditors might do." He gasped. "What if they arrest me and charge me for fraud? Or worse-fire me!?"
Malon waved a hand dismissively at him. "No, no, no. No. They wouldn't fire the only person who works as hard as you do."
"It's just been a rough week, I guess."
Malon nodded in fervent agreement. "Got that right."
Link chewed the inside of his cheek, and bit the bullet. "Where were you before you came over here?"
She clicked her tongue. "At home, on the phone. Talking to Aryll."
"Again?" he gawked.
"Like you said, it's been a rough week."
Link contemplated next moves. If the rest of the night kept dragging on like this, neither of them would be going home with happy hearts and hazy minds. "Want to get super drunk?"
"I really do."
The late hours of the night dragged on, with Link and Malon entertaining themselves with petty jokes and horrible aim at their own game of Rupees. In a stroke of ironic genius, Link took out a few spare rupees and used them as projectiles to aim and score a slam dunk in their drinks.
After scoring lower than anticipated in the manhunt, Midna had given up and joined Teba in endlessly teasing Yunobo's choice of drink. Out of the corner of his eye, Link choked.
"What, what is it?" Malon slurred. Her hand gripped the table in efforts of keeling over.
"Them-it's, ahem, it's them," he coughed. "Zelda the ice queen is here."
Wedged between Midna and Teba were the royal auditors. Zelda's arms were tightly crossed against her chest. She was still wearing her pantsuit, appearing cold and rigid in the midst of sweaty, inebriated partygoers. Surprisingly, Ravio seemed to ease in well to the scene, and in a couple of seconds, he bounced to another group to ramp up a rapport with. Link squinted. Man really is like looking straight into the sun.
"Oh, goddesses, Link," Malon hissed in a low whisper, "I think she's coming over here."
Sure enough, the air in the space around them dropped thirty-something degrees. Even in a setting like a bar, Zelda remained cool and unaffected by her environment. The sight of her standing in front of them made his stomach churn. She cradled an Akkalan Fireblaster between her pale, demure hands.
"Be professional," Malon advised in a not so subtle whisper.
Zelda cleared her throat. "Hi."
"Hello, Zelda," he greeted in a clipped tone. If she wanted to come over and parade around her self-absorbed sense of superiority, Link decided to give her a taste of her own medicine.
She shifted awkwardly, saying, "Look, I think we may have gotten off on the wrong foot a few days ago, so I wanted to come over here and-"
"Breath your save," he countered. His mind was in jumbles, but his goal remained crystal clear. "Just get out of here. This is a party with all my friends-a layoff party in fact, because of you. You're trying to fire all my friends."
Zelda faltered, spitting out a word Link couldn't understand.
But he kept rolling along. "Look, no one wants you here. I should know since I-I asked every single person in this bar."
"That must have taken you all night," Zelda remarked coolly.
"Yeah, well, it did. You're cold and callous and no one likes you. So why don't you just go?"
Nodding, Zelda acquiesced.
"See you tomorrow, Mr. Eppone," she bit back, venom dripping from her words. In one swift movement, she turned and escaped out of their line of sight.
Adrenaline roared in Link's ears. He finally got it all off his chest. In that instant, Link silently vowed to imbibe in liquid courage when the situation called for it. It certainly seemed to get the job done.
By the bar, Teba glared daggers at the two of them, but Link shook it off. Tonight, he would revel in his victory against the ice queen by getting blackout drunk with his best friends and the best department in the entire world.
"Drinks! On! Me!" he announced to the bar. The sea of partygoers pumped energetic fists high into the air, cheering and wooing.
"Link," Malon said languidly, squeezing his shoulder, "that was soprofessional."
The pain that throbbed violently in Link's skull did not assuage the nagging feeling that he might have said something out of turn last night. For the life of him, he couldn't remember who it was that may have bore the brunt of his pent up frustration. When he walked into the office, he expected to be accosted by someone who might have unwillingly been his victim last night, but he was met with the same indifference and apathetic greetings as usual.
It certainly wasn't Malon. During the lunch hour, she stomped into his office and plopped herself down in a chair, clutching her medical duffel to her chest. Her ginger hair was wildly unkempt and her cornflower blue eyes darted back and forth so sharply, Link almost mistook her for a rabid animal.
"You have to help me," she pleaded a little too loudly.
Link winced, his vision spotting. "Why? You get a patient with rabies?"
"I'm serious. I think I made out with someone last night," she squeaked.
Link laughed, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips. "Oh no. Who?"
"I don't know. I just had this feeling that when I woke up this morning, I definitely kissed somebody." She pointed to her lips, inflamed and a little chapped. "Also, my lips are swollen, so there's that."
As if by some divine prank, Yunobo poked his head into the office. "Oh, hey Malon."
Her eyes grew tenfold. "Uh, hey...you."
"Wild night last night, right?" Bashful and a bit red in the face, Yunobo scratched the bottom of his lip.
Link stifled a gutteral noise of shock. Malon stammered out a half-hearted "yeah," but deep down, she silently pleaded with the divine goddesses that if this were some joke, to just kill her right there and then. To die in a municipal government building would be better than knowing she bumped tongues with the butt of everyone's joke.
"I mean, I left pretty early in, but you-" Yunobo wiped his brow. "You were still raging pretty hard."
A fit of relieved giggles escaped Malon. She quickly said, "Yeah, I was. Raging super hard. Glad you, uh, got home safe, Bonobo."
As Yunobo left, Malon and Link exchanged humorous looks.
"So, it's not Bonobo," Link said.
"Help me," Malon groaned. "Also, give me a potion, my head is going to concave."
"I'll keep my eyes peeled."
Link pulled out a tiny bottle of red potion he stashed in his bottom drawer and tossed it to her. Before he had the chance to ask Malon just who he yelled at last night, Teba's boisterous voice bounced off the walls of the office.
"EPPONE!" he boomed. "My office. Now."
Wincing, Link mumbled, "So loud."
Leaving Malon to panic by herself, he dragged his feet across the main office and into Teba's, who purposefully slammed the door behind him. He gestured to an open seat, and handed Link a cup of coffee.
"Have a good night last night?" he inquired. Before Link had the chance to respond, he added, "Did you enjoy your very loud, highly unprofessional conversation with that blonde auditor? You know, one of the two people who holds your very fate in her hands like a tiny cuccoo."
A replay of last night flooded back into Link's memory. Gritting his teeth, he countered, "You know what, she deserved it. She's cold and unfeeling and I yelled at her. So what?"
Teba ran his hand along his face. "Believe me when I say that I thoroughly love watching the blood spill as this department is torn to shreds, but I can't have you getting fired. You know why?"
"Because…you'll have to do stuff."
"Great. Since you get it, go apologize."
Frustrated, Link said, "Why should I? All I did was scold her and express what everyone has been thinking this entire time. Drunkenly. And I may have spit on her a little bit-yeah, okay whatever, I'll go."
What felt like a walk of shame to the recreational office a few doors down was erased completely when Ravio greeted him at the door. In his peripheral vision, Link spotted Zelda typing away at her keyboard, eyes fixated on a spreadsheet filled with numbers and calculations.
"Link Eppone!" he exclaimed, clapping him on the shoulder and leading him inside. "How are you? Hungover? Would you like a vitamin? Blue potion? Fairy extract?"
"Ah, no, thank you."
"You sure?" He gestured to an arsenal of tablet bottles assorted recklessly on his desk. One pill that sat precariously on the edge of the desk looked to be the size of Link's forearm.
"I'm sure," Link said, trying not to think too long on the horse-sized tablet. "You seem really into, uh...health."
Ravio nodded vigorously. At a second glance, he was practically vibrating in place, stored potential energy bouncing off inside his body.
"You know, my doctors say that I may be one of the healthiest, most active men on this planet. I've made it a personal goal of mine to become the first human to live to one hundred and fifty. I'm well on my way, don't you think?"
With that kind of confidence, Link was almost inclined to believe him. Ravio clapped his hands, and gave his signature, blinding smile.
"So, what can I do for you?" he asked.
Link pointed dejectedly, saying, "I'm actually here to speak with Zelda."
"Amazing. While you two chat, I'm going to do a couple of laps around the floor."
Without another word on the matter, Ravio unbuttoned his shirt and stripped down to a tight-fitted tank top and running shorts. Grabbing an audio player and headphones, he ran out of the office in full sprint and disappeared into the hallway.
Link refrained from making any comment on the spectacle he just witnessed. Instead, he tiptoed over to Zelda's desk and planted himself in the seat on the opposite side.
"Hi," he said. When she didn't move to acknowledge him, he added, "I came here to apologize for last night."
Zelda's fingers halted their rhythmic dance on the keyboard. She swiveled around in her chair and glared at him head on. Wearing a thin smile, she said, "Don't worry about it. All is forgiven."
Link regarded her cautiously. He couldn't tell if her countenance was a defense mechanism or a direct challenge to his apology. Instinctively, he chose to take it as the latter.
"What I said was unprofessional and out of line." He chose his next words carefully. "I was drunk and heated because you represent a threat to my department and I truly believe you were sent by some divine being to crush my hopes and dreams."
Zelda pursed her lips. Link noticed that her cheeks were flushed, and a vein on her forehead grew more and more pronounced.
"You know what?" she said, her cold voice ringing against Link's pounding ears. "Let's throw out the facetious decorum, shall we?"
Link's chest tightened. "Please."
She exploded.
"I am not the threat to your department. If you had an ounce of common sense, you would realize that your blundering mistake of adding a few extra zeros to your budget proposal got you into this mess in the first place. And, upon further review of your province's assets, I'm surprised that this stupid town alone has managed to keep its head above water. I would say that the threats you face are the mayor of this town, the provincial council, and your own sheer naivety."
Red hot anger boiled just underneath the surface. Clenching and unclenching his fists, Link managed to collect whatever sliver of patience he had left to say, "Say what you want about me, but don't think that just because you're a royal lapdog it gives you the right to come in here and say whatever you want about my department or this province, for that matter. I don't appreciate your elitist attitude, okay?"
Zelda scoffed, "Really?"
"Yeah, really," he spat. "You may hold my fate in your hands like a tiny, vulnerable cuccoo, but all things considered, I still think you're an ass."
For what felt like an eternity, Zelda stared at him. Being held under her unreadable gaze suddenly made Link feel incredibly small. The severity of his words and the position he was in were not lost on him, but he felt that if the two of them had left things unsaid, the next month would be a fate worse than death.
She parted her lips, stopping herself short of saying whatever had crossed her mind in the moment. For the first time since they'd met, she was left speechless.
A nagging sense of guilt tugged at the back of his mind. Exasperated, Link said, "Look, I'm sorry. Again. It's just-the proposal I requested was big. It was supposed to turn things around for this place, this entire province. Ever since I was young, my goal was to protect Hyrule in any way I could. When I found that Central Hyrule was failing, I knew that I had to be here to see it restored."
Zelda remained silent, but softened her gaze. Taking that as a truce, he tentatively asked, "Haven't you ever wanted to protect and cherish something so bad, you were willing to do anything for it?"
The empty space between them was filled by uncomfortable silence. Zelda's emerald eyes seemed to be looking beyond Link, focused on something far away from the room they were in.
Then, with a smile that could rival that of the sun, she asked, "Want to grab a drink?"