As a young boy, he had always wanted kids. He loved kids. And he had 3 younger siblings he helped to raise, so he had plenty of experience. Plus his parents were so happy together. He had wanted that.
As he grew older, the wish for a family came and went. When his father died, he had told himself he would never, ever leave anyone in the position he and his mother and siblings had been left in, that he would just never get married. After a few years, after realizing he could take care of a family even if it meant breaking the law, he had decided maybe having kids wasn't so bad of a prospect after all. When Primrose was Reaped and Katniss volunteered in her place, he decided once more that he was never having children. Carrying a hysterical Prim away from her sister hurt him too much. No, he wouldn't allow more of his loved ones to get ripped apart for some horrible entertainment and he would prevent that by not having children. Through the rebellion, through the war, he kept up that thought. That was no way to live. After Prim was gone, he simply couldn't bear the thought of a child after feeling responsible for the death of many, and one in particular he loved as his own family.
But after many years, after he reconnected with Johanna, the thought came back. It was never a long lasting thought, but it came and went as short-lived as a summer breeze. When he saw how much Finnley adored her, when he saw how comfortable she was in District 12, when she fit right in with his siblings, when his mother had taken to her so quickly.
When he'd started to wake up to Johanna pressed against his side, when she'd yank his hair and tease him playfully, when she started more freely accepting his feelings towards her, he had started to imagine a forever with her. He wasn't sure at first if it was the teenaged feelings and hormones that he never really got to act on or if was something real, but he was certain now that it was real. This was not some grade school crush or infatuation, he was sure he loved Johanna and she made it clear that she felt the same, even though their display of it were nothing if not unconventional.
He had never brought it up to her, any of his thoughts about a family or a forever, and frankly he had been okay with that. He was happy with their situation and he had been for the entirety of their relationship. He was comfortable with where they were- no labels, no conversations about anything permanent. They lived in the present and thought of the past. They always had.
But now they had to stare future in the face.
He had never been more terrified and excited in his entire life.
They had absolutely never discussed children as even being a possibility, and now that it was more than that, they weren't quite sure what to do and what to make of it all.
They had found out for sure that Johanna was in fact pregnant, and after they had, she had shut him off. She had grown quiet and her temper was more easily set off than usual. She was terrified. Between discussing the suspicion and the finding out for sure, she had been okay for the most part, even able to communicate her worries to him, admitting she was terrified. She had broken down into tears when the results were positive and hadn't been the same since.
He was scared too. He had always imagined marrying someone first, then having kids- the picture perfect way families were supposed to happen. This was unexpected and it threw him for a loop. He was calculated, analytical… he planned things. He had never planned on this.
His upbringing surely didn't help. District 12 was traditional in its ideals when he was growing up and he felt guilty about the whole situation, like he was going to get an earful from his mother if they told her.
The idea of a baby was exciting to him, nonetheless. Somewhere under the fear and the guilt and the worry, he was excited at the prospect of being a father. But he was also prepared that it was possible that may not happen. He had decided to leave decisions on the matter entirely to Johanna.
It was a brisk March evening when he found her sitting on the roof, hugging her knees. She got out there by climbing out the windowed the empty second floor bedroom. She had always gone out there to think. She wasn't wearing a jacket.
He grabbed a spare blanket and climbed out the window to join her.
"You're gonna freeze out here," he said quietly, draping the blanket over her before sitting beside her. She didn't move, just continued looking at the lights in the distance.
The part of the roof they sat on was relatively flat, but they were still high enough that they could see the bustling "downtown" area of the district. While Johanna had her eyes directed towards the city, he looked towards the stars. His father had taught him constellations when he was a child, some were from different ancient cultures he didn't ever hear about in school. He had learned the stories that went along with them too, from his dad. His favorite had always been Canis Major- The Big Dog, and his father's favorite had been Orion- The Hunter. Johanna had taken to the story of Andromeda. He wondered for a moment if their kid would like the stars.
"I'm not mad at you," Johanna said after a while.
"I know," he replied simply. She was scared and worried about a lot of things. She was upset, but she wasn't mad at him. He knew that.
'Sorry I've been acting like an ass. It's just… a lot."
"You don't have to apologize. I understand." He was much more patient than he had been when he was younger. It helped that he loved her so much.
"Fuck, Gale. Why do you put up with me?" She asked, looking over to him. "I've done nothing but inconvenience you since I've been here."
"You are not an inconvenience, Jo."
"Liar," her voice sounded thick, like tears were caught there. She looked away from him, back to the city.
"I don't 'put up with you', I love you."
She shook her head. "I… I know… sometimes it's still hard to believe. Because… what did I do to deserve this?" She gestured broadly, to him, to the house, everything. "I've never been happy… why do I deserve it now?"
He didn't respond. He had nothing to say. But he was also certain she wasn't really asking him.
"I'm not a good person. I don't deserve this."
"You are a good person," he said finally.
She chuckled darkly. "Yeah, okay."
"It's true,"
She ignored him. "It's some kind of sick fucking joke, isn't it? I killed kids and the universe decides to give me one."
"You didn't really have a choice."
"Sure I did. And I chose to murder people."
"You would've been killed if you hadn't."
"Maybe it would've been better that way," she mumbled, grabbing at the blanket around her shoulders and tugging it around her.
"Well, the world I know is the one where Johanna Mason is alive and she plays with Finnley and teases my brothers and lets my sister ramble to her and loves her friends. It's also the one where she makes me laugh and calls me out on my bullshit. And I think it's a pretty damn good place to be."
She tore her eyes away from the city again to look at him. Her eyes were shining with unshed tears. "Damn it, Gale. It sucks sometimes that I like you so much."
All he did in response was pull her close to him. She didn't object.
"Do you think we can do this?" She asked quietly after a few minutes.
"Do what?" He questioned. He had been distracted by her tucked into his side, warm and soft.
"Have a kid? Be responsible for someone's life?"
"I think we can give it our best shot," he murmured into her hair. "I'm willing to if you are. Whatever you want to do though, I'll be behind you. No matter what."
She reached for his free hand and pulled it to her stomach.
"When have I ever backed down from a challenge?" She asked, a small smirk on her face.
His heart skipped a beat in surprise.