She had awoken in a panic, only to be hushed gently by Hazelle, who calmed her and gently, kindly, carefully told her everything she did not know, everything that had happened when she was asleep.

She cried then, for a long while, before the emotional exhaustion lulled her to sleep once more. When she awoke again, Haymitch was in the chair beside her bed, a book in his hands, a painting and flowers beside him on the little nightstand. Posy and Peeta had been there.

"You about scared us to death there, kid." Haymitch told her, looking away from his book for a brief moment. "Glad you're still with us."

He said nothing more.

Johanna rolled over and held back the tears that were trying to spill over.

She was terrified and she felt sick. She hated hospitals and everything about them. They reminded her too much of… of things she didn't want to relive. She noticed, however, laying on her side, staring at the white walls, that she wasn't anywhere near as panicky as she should be. She scratched at where a plastic tube met the skin of her arm. She was on something for that, she figured, as she followed the tube up to the IV bag with her eyes. She was on something so she wouldn't loose her mind.

There was a plastic bracelet on her wrist with her name and birthdate printed on it. There were three stickers on it. She recognized two. One had a little cartoon of a pill bottle, that sticker meant she was on medication. One had a yellow dot; survivor of trauma. The other, she didn't recognize- the shape of a butterfly in black on a white sticker. She brushed her finger over it, trying to decipher its meaning, but she couldn't figure it out.

Eventually, a nurse came in. She smiled warmly at Johanna, who could only stare back in return. She could not speak.

The nurse looked over the machines, wrote things on her tablet, pressed a button or two, and left the room. As the nurse opened the door to leave, Johanna caught sight of a small sheet of paper with a butterfly taped to the outside of the door.

Haymitch left and was replaced with Effie, who came in with a bag of knitting supplies. She placed a purple and gray knitted blanket over the thin cotton one that Johanna was under and kissed Johanna's forehead, which internally made Johanna cringe, but on the outside, she could not do anything about it. The medication made her incapable of expressing her feelings on the outside.

She felt too broken. She was empty. She was a failure, incapable. Her life was some kind of twisted joke. She hated it. She couldn't do something she was biologically supposed to be able to do.

She wasn't aware of how much time had passed- she had lost all sense of time. The beeping surrounding her made every moment feel identical. She rolled over to face Effie, who was knitting what looked like an orange scarf. She felt more present now, perhaps the nurse had lowered the dose of her medication.

"What does it mean?" Johanna managed to ask. Her voice, unused for a period of time she did not know, was thick and hoarse.

Effie looked up from her handiwork in surprise. She hadn't been expecting Johanna to stay anything. "What does what mean?"

"The butterfly," Johanna replied, holding her wrist out. "It's on this and the door… what does it mean?"

Effie sighed and put her scarf down. "It's a symbol to let the nurses and doctors know that they are working with someone who has experienced pregnancy loss."

The explanation brought a stinging to her eyes and she squeezed them shut. "I hate this. It hurts."

"I know, dear."

"I didn't even want it in the beginning! I- why do I feel like this?" Johanna demanded.

"Because you grew to love it. You grew to love it and the idea of a family and it was taken away from you. You're allowed to be upset."

"Fucking- why me? Nothing I do ever goes the way I want it to! It's- it's not fair!"

"It isn't." Effie agreed, rising from her seat to stand beside Johanna's bed. She took her hand. "It truly isn't, and I know this means very little, but I am truly sorry. From the bottom of my heart. You deserve all the good in the world and it simply isn't fair."

Johanna sniffled.

"It doesn't hurt this much forever."

Johanna met Effie's eyes, who were shining with tears. The older woman seemed to read her thoughts.

"I've lost two of my own. I think about them every day, but it doesn't hurt as bad anymore."

"You- I didn't know…"

"We didn't talk about it… we didn't want to upset anyone." Effie explained. Without her saying a word about it, Johanna knew who was included in Effies 'we'. "It's hard to go through alone. That's why we made sure someone is always here to sit with you."

Johanna squeezed Effie's hand. "You selfless pieces of garbage,"

Effie smiled a bit, but changed the topic. "Annie and Finnley send their love."

Johanna knew at once she wasn't to speak about what Effie had just revealed to her.

"Katniss managed to get through to District 3, but we haven't heard a thing since."

Gale. She hadn't even thought about his reaction. She didn't want to imagine the look on his face when he found out. "When was that?"

"Four days ago."

Four days? Is that how long she had been unresponsive.

"Do you think they'll let him leave?" Johanna asked.

"I think he'll try his hardest to get back to you." Effie said in response. She squeezed Johanna's hand. "Why don't you try to get some more sleep, dear? One of us will be here when you wake up."

Johanna let go of Effie's hand and rolled back over, her back to the light streaming in through the window. She touched the butterfly on her bracelet again.

Johanna Mason. Victor, mentor, torture victim, rebel, and now mother to a baby she would never meet.