Chapter 6:
"We've gotta think of something to get rid of Bäumle," Hogan said, as he paced back and forth across the main barracks area. He, Newkirk, and Kalina had just gotten back from the hospital, updated everyone on earlier events, now the colonel's brain raced a hundred miles a minute trying to think of a foolproof plan, while his men and Kalina sat at the table watching him in silence.
"And how the bloody hell are we gonna do that?" Newkirk asked, taking a drag on a cigarette. "Burkhalter likes him, now Klink likes him. Getting rid of him would be like trying to get a ruddy pig to sit still long enough to dress it up in overalls."
"So we make Klink not like him," Hogan answered, wrapping his arms around himself.
"How are we going to do that?" LeBeau exclaimed.
Hogan pursed his lips together as something began to roll inside his mind. He walked to the other side of the room and leaned against one of the bunk poles. "What's something that Klink holds very near and dear to his heart?"
"Himself," Newkirk remarked, earning a warning glare from Kalina. "Oh, come on, little mate; that man probably looks into a mirror more than Rita Hayworth does."
The little Klink crossed her arms, closed her eyes, then stuck up her nose with a soft 'humph', displaying the infamous Klink arrogance known to run all the way back to her aristocratic ancestors.
"What if we got Bäumle really drunk, broke Klink's helmet from World War I, and blamed the whole thing on him," Carter suggested.
"Nah, that's not big enough," Hogan said dismissively. "Sure, it would make him pretty upset, but not enough to demand Burkhalter for a transfer."
"We could burn down Klink's office and claim Bäumle did not put out a cigar completely," LeBeau said.
"That would work perfectly, but we have one problem there," Kinch answered. "Bäumle doesn't smoke. The Krauts would know one of us did it instantly."
"I would say stage something bad happening to ma petite amie, but I think Klink would kill the filthy bosche instead of demanding Burkhalter for a transfer," LeBeau said.
Newkirk lifted his gaze from his cigarette up to across the table at the Frenchman. "What's so bloody wrong with that?" He remarked.
Hogan cocked his head to the side and gave Newkirk a knowing glare, making the English corporal immediately clear his throat and hang his head in slight shame. "Well at least I don't see a ruddy problem with it."
Hogan rolled his eyes and shook his head as he turned his gaze to LeBeau, Kalina, and Carter, the technical sergeant's blue eyes lighting up as an idea came to him.
"I've got it," Carter said. "I'll sneak out of camp dressed as Hitler and drive through the front gates of camp. Once I'm inside, I'll barge into Klink's office, accuse Bäumle of committing some recent act of sabotage back in Berlin, and when he least expects, I'll whack him over the head with…"
"Andrew," Kinch interrupted. "Shut up."
Surprisingly as it seemed, Carter's wild idea made a clever one form inside of Hogan's brain. His chocolate brown eyes began to twinkle with mischief and glee as a sly grin came to his face. "I know exactly what we're going to do," he said. "We're gonna plan an escape."
"Aw Colonel, we use the escape route every time Ol' Klink leaves camp to get rid of his replacement. Surely Burkhalter and his blokes will eventually catch on and…"
"This isn't gonna be another typical escape, Newkirk," Hogan clarified. "Our escapee is going to be one of Germany's most wanted men alive. One that will cause Burkhalter to blow up like a volcano and earn Bäumle a one-way ticket to the Russian Front."
A grin came to Kinch's face, knowing instantly who the so-called 'escapee' was that his commanding officer was referring to. "Major Yamamura," he answered.
"Exactly," Hogan replied. "London gets Yamamura back, and we get Burkhalter stationed here until Klink comes back from medical leave."
An eager smile came to Kalina's face as she brightened up at the plan. "We kill two chickens with one stone," she said, full of pride.
Hogan chuckled. "It's birds, hon, but very correct. See, you're catching onto American sayings faster than you thought you would."
"But Colonel," LeBeau said. "Bäumle doubled the guards in and out of camp. How are we going to sneak the major out with all the filthy bosche watching our every move?"
"Leave all of that to me," the colonel answered. "All you guys have to do for now is tell Yamamura to pack his bags and get ready. He'll be back in London come morning."
"A 'Welcome to Stalag 13' party," Bäumle said dumbfoundedly. He sat at Klink's desk and stared wide-eyed at Hogan, who had just barged into the office unannounced and suggested the wild idea to him.
"Well, the men, Kalina, and I thought it would only be courteous to welcome Kommandant Klink's temporary to camp and make him feel at home. New men under your command and a bunch of prisoners you've never met before, it's probably slightly uncomfortable being around a bunch of strangers. Wouldn't you agree, Sir?" Hogan explained, starting his usual tangled-up web of lies.
Bäumle stared at the American and raised a suspicious eyebrow at him, but nodded. "Yes, it is a bit of a change to adjust to. But why do you wish to do something nice for an enemy officer?"
"Captain," Hogan began, sitting down in the chair in front of Klink's desk. "We may wear different uniforms and speak different languages, but we're both still human beings, correct?"
"That would depend on who you ask, Colonel."
"Well, despite that knowledge, my men have learned the hard way from many failed escape attempts under Kommandant Klink's command. You Germans are not the type of people to be messed with. We've been broken and degraded for so long now that it's come to the point we secretly know who the real ones in charge are. Colonel Klink has practically beaten it into our brains, so to say."
Bäumle said nothing for a long while before putting his pen down. "Colonel Hogan, if you're trying to soften me with some sob story of yours, the most I have for you is the world's saddest song on the world's smallest violin."
"No, Captain, no sob stories. We just wanted to do something for a hated man that we've come to respect as a fearsome and assertive leader in such a short time."
An eerie grin slowly came to Bäumle's face as a low chuckle escaped his throat. "Fearsome and assertive, huh," he remarked, with pleasure. "I will be sure to include that in my first report to General Burkhalter in Berlin."
"Might even get a promotion to major, Sir," Hogan said, hoping to finally reel in his catch.
Bäumle's grin widened even further, Hogan swearing in his mind that he saw termites in it. "Major Bäumle…" He again chuckled, but louder and more chilling this time. He slapped the desk and got to his feet. "Very well, Colonel Hogan. I will permit you and your men to throw this welcome party for me. Besides, how could you and your men possibly try an escape with my men watching you all night long at this party?"
"You have my word of honor, Sir; no escapes from my men whatsoever."
The temporary kommandant rubbed his hands together in delight as he looked off in the distance. "Major Bäumle," he repeated. "It sounds as good to my ears as Fuhrer does."
Hogan gave Bäumle a sloppy salute before leaving Klink's office and closing the door behind him. Once certain that the captain could not hear him, Hogan shook his head in disappointment, slightly sick to his stomach. "And I thought Klink had an over-inflated ego."
Hours had gone by since Hogan's conversation with Bäumle, and by 7:00 half of Klink's guards were inside the kommandant's quarters with Bäumle, Heinrich, Hogan and his men, and Kalina. Newkirk, Carter, and Kinch served food and drinks, LeBeau stayed in the kitchen with Schultz most of the evening cooking and occasionally slapping Schultz's hand away from the food, and Kalina played live music on the piano if a record was not in rotation. Heinrich and Langenscheidt were already drunk and singing poorly to the music being played, while Bäumle took the time to get to know some of the guards or literally smacking common sense into his drunken assistant.
As the festivities continued to move forward, Hogan checked his watch for the time. 8:45 p.m. He looked up to try and find Kinch in the large crowd, then gestured him over once spotting him. He waited for his second in command to join his side, then he leaned towards Kinch's left and spoke to him in a low whisper. "Distract Bäumle and the guards long enough for me to get Yamamura to the rendezvous point and back again."
"Will do, Colonel," Kinch answered, just as quietly.
"And uh...stay by Kalina's side as much as you can. Bäumle gives me the creeps."
Kinch nodded. "Yes, Sir."
Both exchanged salutes, then Kinch walked over towards Kalina and the piano, while Hogan snuck out of the living room and into Kalina's bedroom. He walked towards her closet, banged twice on one of the walls, and watched as a secret door came open and revealed a fire pole leading down into the tunnels. The colonel slid down into an area close to the radio room and made his trek towards the designated area, where Yamamura was waiting and ready to go. Both officers exchanged proper salutes with each other, then Hogan placed a hand on the major's shoulder.
"You ready to get out of here?" He asked Yamamura.
"I've been ready to go since I got here this morning," Yamamura answered.
A small grin came to Hogan's face. "Alright, then let's get you back to London. Follow me." He began his way towards the emergency exit, when the sound of Yamamura's voice stopped him.
"Colonel," he said. "You sure this is safe for you to do? What about your men and the little girl? They need you."
Hogan smiled, deeply touched by the major's concern, but it was too late to go back on his plan. It was now or never, and Hogan was adamant on it being the first option. "Never underestimate my boys and little girl, Major. Those five together are as fierce as one of me." He gestured with his hand to follow him. "Now let's get going. You've got a plane to catch."
Without another word, Yamamura nodded and walked with Hogan to the emergency tunnel. They timed the watch tower light, crawled out from the fake tree stump one by one, then the duo disappeared into the trees and began their walk to Yamamura's freedom.