It's almost ridiculous how our brain can mess with us. The way it can change our outlook on things.
Back in those days, we dreamt of a better life. We wanted to make more money and move out of that one-bedroom apartment that felt too cold in winter. And now when I look back, all I can think about is how lacking a heater meant cuddling whenever we could in order to keep each other warm.
Of course there were things we lacked, way too many of those. But still, and I only realise it now, I was happy. And I don't think I've ever been as happy ever again.
My apartment now, it's nothing over the top. Just sufficient for a single man like me who doesn't have much attachment to this particular place I call 'home' now. The immaculate rooms with enough space. The furniture that actually match and haven't just been thrown together randomly. The pale blue walls that dampness can't seep through no matter how hard it rains. The grey curtains that according to my brother don't go with my walls but they're new and without patches sewn here and there. Back then, all of these comprised a large part of our wishlist. And yet, if I got the chance, I'll trade it all for the life I had with Sakura and Sarada in that cheap back alley apartment. In a literal heartbeat.
Because there's nothing here. No precious memories made. To cherish or reminisce. Except for the weekends when Sarada is with me and I get to have a family again for two days. Well, half a family. But at least I can be the father I'm supposed to be and spend time with my daughter like I badly wanted to back then. I really did. Even though Sakura never really understood that.
.
.
.
"Who wants to wear this?" Sakura walks into the living area with a teasing smile on her face. Holding a hair-clip in her hand and displaying it for... Sarada of course. Couldn't be me.
Although back then, she'd sometimes lend me her hair-clips because my hair got into my eyes while studying.
Anyway, her little show has the desired effect. As soon as Sarada spots the red clip in her hand, she runs to her mother. Overflowing with excitement.
"Me! Me!"
Sakura sits on her knees and carefully puts the clip on Sarada's black hair.
"Mama, do I look cute?" she asks Sakura.
"Yes Mama. You're the cuuuutest angel," Sakura pinches her chubby cheeks.
"Papa?" she turns to me. Asking for my approval.
"Yes. Very cute."
She giggles and then runs inside.
"She went to see the mirror," Sakura explains while getting up from the floor. The warm smile erased from her face. Then adds after a while, "Tell Itachi and Izumi I said thanks."
"Ah."
"Hmm," she nods slightly and looks towards her room. Wanting for Sarada to be back already.
"Oh. And… There's a jar of jam in Sarada's bag. Please make sure she gives it to Izumi. I reminded her again and again but kids, you know."
Jam?
Right! She used to make those back then too. Her mother often sent her fruits and stuff. And she'd make jam and jelly and whatnot. So she's still making those and... she's been sending them to Izumi? My sister-in-law? It almost makes me laugh. The way I am the only one who got cut out of her life.
Before Sarada and I leave, Sakura gives her a tight hug and kisses on her cheeks. Both of the gestures returned by Sarada very passionately. She tells her to have lots of fun and also to be a good girl and not cause her uncle and auntie any trouble.
After dropping Sarada to Itachi's and making sure she handed the jam over to Izumi, I decide to go get my laptop back from the store. On Thursday the hard-disk crashed all of a sudden, and I'm having a real hard time without it.
While I'm going to miss my little girl this weekend, I think it's important for her to get to spend some fun time with her extended family. She loves her uncle and aunt and also her baby cousin, who's only two now. So she can act like a big sister.
On her mother's side, Sarada has grandparents who adore her. And she's very fond of her grandma and grandpa as well. While on my side, if not for Izumi, it'd be just me. Even after my break-up with Sakura. I never reconciled with my parents. I was kinda fed-up with them. By the time Izumi came back to Konoha, Sakura and I had already divorced. But she's that type who likes to get along with everyone in the family, even the annoying relatives no-one can stand. So she also wanted to have an amiable relationship with my ex-wife.
There has been times when I've thought of asking Sakura for a family weekend kind of thing. With the three of us. Maybe a picnic or a trip to the zoo. I feel like it'd be good for Sarada. But in the end, I never got to ask her. Because I know she'll agree. For Sarada of course. But I'm not too fond of using Sarada to force her into anything. The way it gets awkward when the two of us get within ten feet of each other, I doubt a family weekend involving both of us will be anything but fun.
.
.
.
When I finally make it back home, it's late. Not that I care. I don't really have much to do anyway. I don't plan to cook tonight I'll just order something. I'm way too tired. I reach inside my pocket for the keys and...
Where's the keychain?!
Suddenly I remember Sarada emptying all the contents of my pockets on Sakura's couch this morning. I made sure to put my wallet and phone back in. Did I leave my keys behind?
The fuck?!
I gave Itachi a key for moments like this but he himself isn't home which means to get into his place I'll need a key to his apartment which I happen to have but inside a drawer of my apartment that I want to enter in the first place.
Excellent!
As I practically run to the station, I see a flash of lightning in the distance.
Fuck! The weather seems to be getting bad.
.
.
.
Seeing me at her door, a frown appears on Sakura's forehead.
I feel really guilty. I know seeing me is the last thing she wants on a peaceful Saturday night. But I don't really have a choice.
"I left my keys."
She blinks a few times. Then opens the door wider.
Is that an invitation to get inside?
When Sarada is not here?
Wow!
But I'm only here to get my keys and I wanna be home before it starts to rain.
Getting near the couch, I stop for a second. The glass and the almost empty bottle on the low table catching my attention.
"I never drink when Sarada is here."
Sakura speaks from the back. Prompting me to turn her way.
"Never."
She shakes her head as if to prove her point.
It takes me a while to understand what she's trying to imply. That she's not a bad mother. Well, that has never been a complaint I've had against her. She's a great mother, an excellent one. And in fact, that was where it all started. Our doom.
"I drink too," I shrug, "Occasionally. You know that."
"Ah- yes..." she looks around. Most likely trying to help me look for the keys but her legs wobble and she trips on the corner of the table. And out of pure instinct, I grab her arm and break her fall.
"You're drunk."
"I-I'm sorry."
An apology wasn't exactly what I was aiming for. I let go of her arm very slowly because she looks somewhat unsteady. She plops onto the single seat across the table.
Finding the whole situation very uncomfortable, I look for the keys. And fortunately it doesn't take me too long. I grab the keychain and show it to her. "Got it."
She doesn't speak. She stares at me with a blank look on her face that makes me wonder if she even understands what I'm talking about. I look at the bottle of wine. Did she finish all that in one go?
"I'll be leaving now." I make my voice a little louder and clearer. To make sure she gets it.
As I head towards the door, I hear her whisper.
"I'm sorry."
I turn around to tell her that she doesn't need to apologise to me for drinking at her own place. That it's none of my business. But before I can open my mouth, I see the tears streaming down her face all of a sudden.
Huh?!
"I'm sorry, Sasuke." She wipes her face with the sleeve of her top.
Did she just call me by my name?
"I'm so sorry I ruined your life."
Note: I think I'm halfway done with this.
Love,
June ❤️
[10.03.2020]