The instant the words left my mouth, I got back to my senses.
What had I said? What had I just said? How did I let those words come out of my mouth?
"For now, I'll take Sarada and go back to Mum and Dad."
She was standing there. Looking at me without any change in her demeanour. As if I hadn't just said something unforgivable.
I was holding my breath. She was so calm and resigned, it frightened me.
"Then I'll start looking for work."
What?
No!
What was she saying? Why was she talking about leaving and looking for work? She was supposed to yell at me. Throw a tantrum. She was supposed to ask me to stay. Instead, why was she talking like it didn't even matter? Like she was just waiting for this?
"Can you help me out with Sarada's expenses?"
She asked me like she was asking if I could pick up some eggs on my way home from work.
"Just as much as you can. I'll need some time before I can make enough money."
I felt like someone was stabbing at my heart. I wanted to tell her I didn't mean it, it was just a slip of tongue, I loved her and couldn't imagine my life without her. But she was talking about leaving me, our marriage with a straight face and all she had to ask was if I could give her some money to take care of her daughter. My daughter. She simply didn't seem to care about the fact that she was talking about ending her relationship with me. Not at all.
And it was at that moment that I knew for sure she had never loved me. It wasn't me. I had merely been an instrument. It was the feeling of being young and in love. Of having a boyfriend, a husband, a family. I didn't matter. I wasn't special. I had loved her with everything I had, with every single cell of my being and what did I get in return?
I left home. It was late at night and I wandered around the streets. I didn't know what to do, where to go. I felt like I was going crazy. I didn't go home in the morning because I didn't know what to expect there. I rented a room at a cheap hotel and spent the next three days there. When I finally returned home, I was hoping to see her there. I was hoping she'll come yelling at me for being such an irresponsible husband and father and abandoning her and Sarada for three whole days. And I'll apologise to her and kiss her and hold her tight and never let her go.
But she wasn't there. Neither was Sarada. Or any of their belongings. They were all gone. As if she had erased every last trace of her presence. The only things left were the photo we had taken on our wedding day, in a frame on the table beside the bed and the two matching-heart coffee mugs.
I went back to work the next day because I had to make money. Because I had a wife and a child to support. Yes my marriage was most likely over, but I had a wife and a daughter to support. I couldn't slack off.
I was working all day everyday. And at night, coming back to the empty apartment. I'd sit at the small dining table all alone, chewing on the store bought tasteless dinner thinking about how blind I had been. How I had failed to notice how beautiful my life was. Even when I was leaving home early and getting back late. Just because Sakura and Sarada were here for me to return to. And I knew I would give anything to get it back. I won't complain, I won't say anything. I won't even ask Sakura to love me back. I'll just work as hard as I can to give them a happy life. I stayed in that apartment even though it killed me. Because I thought maybe one day, she'll come back. One day, I'll return from work and opening the door, I'll see her, preparing dinner. Like she used to. I kept sending money to her. Just leaving enough for my rent and food and commute. I was waiting for her to come back.
Three months passed like that. Then one day she finally called.
She told me she had found work. The salary was rather low but she didn't want to be a burden on her parents. So she was moving out. She had rented a small apartment and gave me the address. She said she was very grateful I was helping her financially since she still wasn't making enough money to support herself and Sarada.
Just that.
That night, I called my brother. That was the first time I told anyone what had happened. How my life my hopes my dreams, had all crumbled down like a house of cards. And halfway into the conversation, I broke down in tears. It alarmed Itachi enough for him to take a cab and turn up at my door. When I saw him, I cried like a frantic. I simply couldn't take it anymore. He just sat there, gently patting my back. Once I calmed down a bit, he said living in that apartment wasn't good for me and took me with him. I didn't have the energy or desire to carry my belongings, my most precious possessions were already gone and all I took was our wedding photo and the two coffee mugs. The things Sakura had deemed unnecessary and left behind.
Back then Itachi was living alone. He let me stay with him and got me a job at his friend's company. If my situation wasn't like what it was at that time, it would've hurt my self-respect to get a job that way. But at that point, I didn't, I couldn't care. I was getting real work which meant I could make more money and could provide better for Sakura and Sarada. Itachi's friend knew I used to be a bright student at uni so he was in fact quite happy to have me work for him but he told us it'd be difficult for me in the future without any academic degree. Without wasting time, Itachi paid a shit ton of money and got me into an online course so that I could get a degree. The utter mess that my life had become, my brother singlehandedly put it back in order. Then he told me to go see Sakura and Sarada. And suggested I ask Sakura to come back to me but... only if I was sure that'd be good for me.
I went to Sakura's place. To see her new life that she had built without me. She was living in a tiny attic flat in an old building where she had to carry Sarada three flights of stairs everyday. Sarada had gotten much bigger and although it had been a while, she remembered me and called me Papa. Making me tear up. She came to me without crying and even played with me. Holding her in my arms after so long, it felt like getting back a piece of myself I had lost.
Sakura offered me a cup of tea which I refused and after that, she carefully stayed out of my sight.
Before leaving, I explained to her about my new situation and told her I'll be able to send more money for Sarada. And for her. But I left that part unsaid. Because it alarmed me the way she had become so cold. So unattached. The way she no longer cared. Giving her money was my only privilege and I didn't want to lose it.
I was contemplating Itachi's words. But given her attitude, I concluded it couldn't possibly be good for me. I was ready to fight the world for her and she clearly didn't give two shits about me. Not anymore. She didn't even look at me properly.
I wanted to shake her and wake her up. How could she act like that? How could she just let me go? How could she? Was that all I was to her? Merely a tool? To make her dreams of a happy life come true? Did I really not matter? At all?
From that point, work became my escape and my goal. I decided I was going to make as much money as I can and send it to Sakura. Because that was the only way I knew to be of any use to her anymore. And there also was a feeling of guilt eating at me. For not being able to give her and Sarada a better life when we were together.
I watch in silence as Sakura keeps crying. Not knowing what else to do. Suddenly, there's a flash of lightning followed by a loud roar of thunder. And she almost jumps out of the seat. And in that moment, I realise that her not being afraid of thunderstorms anymore, it's a lie. It's a lie, she has been putting on a brave front in front of Sarada. She has been hiding her fears and acting strong so that her daughter feels protected.
I walk up to her and very hesitantly, very gently, put my hand on her shoulder. Not sure how she'll react to my touch. The moment my hand makes contact with her body, she throws her arms around me and cries even harder. She wails and squeezes me so hard it almost hurts. And I realise she must have been holding it in all this time. My vision blurs as I embrace her, holding her tight. I feel the tears running down my cheeks and it almost feels like a paradox that it's me she can finally cry her heart out to when I am the reason she's crying in the first place.
Note: I got a few kind reviews and I wanted to say thank you because although I see writing as primarily for myself, and that's why I keep updating even when there isn't a single review or anything, it makes me happy. To see there are people reading all the nonsense I come up with and actually liking it.
Anyway, if your country has shut down schools, colleges and offices, please don't plan trips and stay indoors if you can afford it. That's the whole point of shutting down things in the first place.
Lots of love,
June ❤️
[15.03.2020]