For a moment, I consider saying something to comfort her. But then I decide it's better for her to let it all out. And what can I, of all people say to comfort her anyway?

So, instead, I just rub her back and pull her closer, letting her cry. The weather gets worse, from inside her apartment, I see the rain getting heavier and the city's landscape outside the window getting hazier.

I don't know how long we stay like that before finally noticing that her breathing has gotten deeper. She has fallen asleep. In my arms. It brings back memories. Memories not too old but for some reason they seem like images from a past life. Way beyond my reach. And I realise how much I've missed her. Yes, in my heart I have always known, there's a part of me that still screams her name even though I know it's no use. But holding her like this, all of a sudden I feel that desperation once again. The same desperation I had felt when she had walked out of my life three years ago. That feeling of wanting to do anything to have her back.

And it's not good for me. I made it out of that shithole all thanks to Itachi. I can't go back there.

I carry Sakura to the bedroom and carefully place her on the bed. Pulling the blanket over her, I take one last look at her sleeping face. It makes my heart twist in pain, a feeling of complete loss taking over. With a defeated sigh, I turn my back to her. Even though a part of me doesn't want to. I'm just about to walk out of the door when there's another ear-splitting roar of thunder and I hear her voice, almost a murmur.

"Sa- su- ke-"

I turn around, to find her on the bed. Deep asleep, her hands clutched near her chest.

It gives me flashbacks of those stormy nights, when the thunderstorms would wake her up but only partially and she'd call my name, and I'd put my arms around her and kiss her forehead with a "I'm here." And reassured, she'd go back to sleep again. Her face tucked in my chest.

I no longer have a place in her bed, I definitely no longer am allowed to hold her or kiss her or comfort her. So before I lose my mind and do something inappropriate, I walk out of her bedroom.

It's late and although I could still catch the last train, I don't have an umbrella. So I call a cab and return home with a hundred questions jostling in my brain.

After a sleepless night when I appear at her door the next morning, she doesn't look very surprised. As if she was expecting me here.

"I'm sorry if I said or did anything stupid last night."

She keeps her eyes on the floor as she speaks.

"I drank a lot."

"Why do you know about that phone call? I never told you."

She looks up at me, as if to ask what phone call. But then her eyes go a little wider. Still, she doesn't speak immediately. Just sits there in silence, staring outside the window.

"I could hear him. Your phone, I don't know if it was on speaker… But I could hear everything your father was saying."

She looks back at me, tears glistening in the corners of her green eyes.

"That night… I had just fed Sarada, and was bringing her to you so that you could put her to sleep while I folded the laundry... I was at the door, but you didn't see me... I heard him say that I had intentionally gotten pregnant. To tie you to me. And all of a sudden…"

In that one moment, it feels like her pain is mine as she looks at me and I see the tears spill out of her eyes and roll down her cheeks.

"Sarada felt so heavy in my arms…" her voice gets heavy, "I... waited for you to say something... Anything to defend me... To tell him he was wrong, that I wasn't like that. But… you just kept silent and…"

Her voice chokes and she wipes the tears with the back of her palms. I feel this strong urge to walk to her and hold her, to pull her close and do anything I can to take away her pain. But it feels like I'm too dirty to even get close to her.

"I walked out of there... My whole body was shaking… My legs felt like they were about to give up and I think they would have if I didn't have Sarada in my arms... I didn't know what to do… Where to go… Who to ask for help... All of a sudden, I felt so helpless… so lonely. Until then, I had always thought we were in this together… Things were hard but I… I never thought you will… I didn't get pregnant intentionally."

She shakes her head as she cries.

"I really didn't... Yes, I was careless, it was my mistake but I didn't do it intentionally. I didn't. Because I didn't think I needed to tie you to me. I thought we were family and…" she wipes the tears from her cheeks once again. "I'm so sorry... So sorry. I can't give you back all the things you lost because of me... But…"

She looks at me again. The white of her eyes starting to take a reddish tone.

"You don't have to do it anymore. Thank you for helping me out all this time, I couldn't have made it without your help but... I make enough money now, I even managed to get this apartment, I can send her to school, I can give her a decent life. So, you can stop now, Sasuke. You can start living your life. We won't hold you back anymore."

"What… do you mean?"

"I… You're studying again, do it well and your work too, give it your all… Do what other people your age are doing, go on dates and get married to someone… better… And when you have kids, you can do everything you want for them… I promise Sarada won't get in your way… I'll take care of her."

I must be getting it wrong. Because there's no way she's saying what I think she's saying.

No fucking way!

"You see, when we separated… I… I wanted to disappear… I… just couldn't take it… But I had Sarada… If I didn't have her, I might have had killed myself but I couldn't leave her like that… I had to keep living for her… And since I had to live, I had to fix all this mess I had made. I couldn't give you back what you had already lost, but the least I could do was to take away the burden you were still having to carry because of me… I know it took me a little too long, but I've been trying my best."

Burden? Is she referring to Sarada as a burden?

I blink a few times to stop the tears from spilling.

Sitting here right now I realise that what hurts the most is the fact that she doesn't blame me. For. A. Single. Thing. She calls it her fault that she got pregnant, as if I wasn't the one who got her pregnant. She tells me that Sarada, my own daughter, won't get in my way. Calls her a burden she put on me. She sets me free from all my ties, all the responsibilities.

It takes me a few full minutes to wrap my head around it before I regain my strength to speak again. Although only barely.

"Sakura," my voice threatens to choke, "Don't you hate me?"

She looks at me like this is the most ridiculous question in the world, like she doesn't even understand how this question can even exist, like she doesn't have one reason to hate me.

"No," she shakes her head and smiles, a sad smile that feels like a slap on my face. "I just wish you had loved me as much as I had loved you. Then you wouldn't be able to see me as something expendable."

She chuckles.

"But it's okay. It wasn't the first time I was abandoned by my family. I guess it's just my fate."

And I feel the tears I was trying so hard to hold back stream down my face.

Note: This afternoon I felt in my heart that if we live past this, we'll be talking about this to the younger generations like our grandparents talked about the wars. We are literally at war again, a different type of war and the healthcare workers are the ones fighting on the front-lines.

Anyway, thanks for the lovely reviews they made me go uwu (heart eyes) and I'll try to keep updating.

And guest reviewer who got my username, I can't believe I finally found someone who got it. I love Haruki Murakami's stories in general but 1Q84 is my favourite and I love love love Aomame. She's so cool and badass.

Take care,

Love,

June ❤️

[22.03.2020]