I put the jam on the kitchen counter.
Then I pick it back up. I run my fingers along the jar and open the lid. Inhaling the sweet and savory smell of the freshly made strawberry jam.
I wanted to bring everything Sakura had in that shelf, but she didn't let me. Saying those were far too old and no longer safe to eat.
It feels like ages since I received something from her. She thought of me and especially made this to suit my taste. Even after what I made her go through.
How could I let this happen?
Just remembering how she said she felt like killing herself, I don't even want to think about it.
I was hurting too. I was. I almost went insane. But I didn't think of dying. But it didn't feel like I was living either. I just knew I had to keep going on. I told myself I had to do it. For Sakura and Sarada.
When I met Sakura, I was eighteen. I fell in love, got married, had a kid and it all happened way too fast. So fast that I couldn't quite keep up with it. I tried making sacrifices I wasn't ready to make. I was a boy who had to grow up into a man within a very short amount of time. In the end, I fucked up.
When Sakura just listened to me and left my life for good, I didn't know how to handle it. My life was back in order thanks to Itachi but it was never the same again. It didn't even feel like my life. I felt like I was living in someone else's body, walking through their days. It wasn't me. No. I wasn't the kid I was before I met her and the new person I had become in the time we were together, without her by my side, I had no clue who he was. I was doing okay, I was holding on, keeping myself busy with work and studies and everything and then, one of those nights, while eating dinner alone in my empty apartment, I'll have a break down. Crying over my wife and child. Although technically, Sakura was no longer my wife. But my heart didn't abide by a stupid piece of paper I had signed. To me, she was still my Sakura. I was ready to go any lengths to get her back but she clearly didn't want to be back in my life. My hands were tied. So I had to pull myself back together and go back to my 'normal' life. Even though it was no use, it wasn't normal. No. My normal was with Sakura and Sarada.
When I'd go to pick Sarada up for the weekends and Sakura won't even come out in front of me, there were times when I almost asked her. I wanted to ask how she could change like that? How could she have once treated my like I was her everything and then like nothing?
How?
But now that I know she did it because she felt I resented her, it gives me mixed feelings. It puts my mind at ease that at least, at least her love was real. I hadn't one-sidedly loved her to the extent that I let her walk all over my feelings, let her use me. But knowing how she was hurting, how she felt she had no-one, it just... How could I have let this happen?
It all makes sense now. She would at times complain that I needed to be home, to spend time with Sarada, even knowing it was difficult for me. Because she felt she had the right. She felt I loved her and Sarada and wanted to be with them. So she spoke what she felt. But once she started to believe I was thinking of her, and more importantly of Sarada, as a burden, that I was blaming them for ruining my life, she just left. Without another word. She didn't like to bother her parents. When we moved in together and got married, they warned us. They didn't like it. But we didn't listen. So when we ended up having Sarada that young, she didn't want to place that responsibility on their shoulders. Because she believed, as did I, that Sarada was our child and we had to be responsible and take care of her. But when she felt I no longer loved her, she decided to go back to her parents. Because in the end, she was their child. Their door was always open for her when she had no-one else to turn to. But Sarada, she was my daughter, and as her father, I was the one she had the right to ask for help from.
How helpless she must have felt. And how humiliated. Taking money from me.
I open a drawer and bring out a fabric bag. Peeking inside it, I see pink and blue fragments. Of the two coffee mugs I had brought back from our old apartment. After I moved here from Itachi's place, I kept them in this bag, safe in the cabinet. But one day I took it out for cleaning but ended up dropping it. The mugs were broken. Gone. In a moment. Just like our relationship. Still, I couldn't bring myself to throw them away. I kept these broken pieces. I've been holding onto these for so long. I understand what Sakura meant when she said that even in pieces, something precious remains precious. Because to me, these fragments are just as precious as the mugs were. I regret that they got broken, feel guilty for not being careful, blame myself and wish I could go back in time and save them, stop myself from making that mistake. But I can't.
Just like I can't go back in time and undo everything that happened. I can't. No matter how much I want to. I can't go back and unbreak her heart. And mine too. I can't.
I can't...
.
.
.
This week, it's Sakura who opens the door for me.
"Hi," she greets me with a smile, making my heart ache. It's not the same lively smile from when I met her seven years ago, but at least it's a smile. "Come inside. Sarada is getting ready."
She's grown up enough to put on her own clothes. It takes some time and occasionally she needs help but she does it by herself and gets really mad if Sakura or I try to interfere. She even brushes her hair herself and puts on her own shoes. She can't tie shoelaces yet.
"Do you want some tea? I got good herbal tea."
"N- Ah. Okay."
"Alright," as she heads to the kitchen I feel like I can see a faint shadow of the old Sakura in her.
.
.
.
"Sakura."
"Hn?" she looks up at me while sipping her tea.
"I've been... wanting to ask you for a while, didn't know if you'd be comfortable. Do you think we could do something, like a family outing type of thing? You, Sarada and me?"
She blinks a few times. "The three of us together?"
"If you don't mind, then yes. All three of us. We never had any of those."
"Isn't that great? Sarada will be so happy!" out of excitement, she puts the cup back on the table. "I know she wants to spend time with both you and me. In her sketchbooks, she draws the three of us together even though..." her eyes get a little teary, "When I saw her drawings, it made me cry. I felt so helpless. I want her to have a normal childhood but I..."
"Mama!" Sarada runs to us all of a sudden, holding a hair-clip. Apparently, putting on a clip isn't among the things she can do yet. She stops when she sees me. "Papa?"
Her eyes go back to Sakura. Then to me again. She blinks a few times and once again, that's so Sakura! It takes me a while to understand that she's finding it hard to believe that her Mama and Papa are sitting and having tea together. And it makes my heart squeeze in pain.
"Sarada," I pull her to myself, "Do you want to go out with Mama and Papa?"
"Mama?" she looks to Sakura, "And Papa?" then back to me.
"Yes, you, Mama and I, the three of us together."
"Sarada can go out with Mama and Papa? Together?" her big black eyes shine with excitement.
I pull her to myself and put my arms around her small form. She's only four but to her, something as simple as going out with both her parents feels like a luxury beyond her reach. Why does she have to go through this because of us?
"P-Papa?"
I pull myself away and place my hand on her head, "Where do you want to go, Sarada?"
She thinks for a while.
"Zoo! Sarada wants to go to the zoo. Inojin went there with his Mama and Papa and he met Mr. Giraffe. And he was so looooong!" she raises her right hand over her head to physically demonstrate how tall Mr. Giraffe was. Making me chuckle.
"You want to meet Mr. Giraffe?" Sakura asks.
"Yes! Mr. Giraffe and Mr. Monkey." Sarada turns to her.
"What about Mr. Lion?"
"Mr. Lion is scary."
"No, baby. He isn't. He just eats his food and sleeps. And Mama and Papa will be with you. So you don't have to be scared of anyone," she smiles and Sarada runs to her with the clip in her hand.
"Then, next Saturday?"
Saturday was our day when we were together. Whenever we made plans, it was on Saturday. Because it left Sunday free for anything we might need to do in preparation of Monday. And the crowds were a little less.
"Yes. Next Saturday." Sakura smiles at me as she helps Sarada put on the clip.
Note: For a part of this chapter I took inspiration from the song All Into Nothing by R3HAB ft. Mokita.
This is my Sakura's birthday special update. I'm left on my own now cause in the story I got the idea from, they didn't get back together. But I can't let that happen to SasuSaku. So I have to make up some bullshit on my own hope I don't make myself look like a clown.
And thank you for the reviews. I don't generally send DMs because often people don't even check DMs and many of the reviews are from guest reviewers and I'm not very good at interacting anyway and also because when I find time, I try to use it for writing. My point is, maybe I look like I don't read your reviews, but I do. And I feel very happy and motivated.
Stay home and read fics. Many great fics are updating these days. Read them and stay safe.
Love,
June ️🌸
[28.03.2020]