"Uwaaaaaa!" Sarada's eyes go round in surprise. She looks like she's about to break her neck, the way she tries to follow the giraffe's long neck with her gaze. Which seems to be an especially difficult task given her height. An idea comes to me and I grab her, picking her up.
"P- Papa?!"
I put her on my shoulders.
"Can you see Mr. Giraffe better now?"
"Yes!" She sounds very excited and points at the giraffe lazily chewing some leaves. "Mr. Giraffe is sooooo long!"
I chuckle.
"Mama!"
"What is it, Sarada?" Sakura smiles and reaches out her hand, holding Sarada's.
"Sarada is taller than Mama!" she giggles.
"Eeeeh! When did it happen, Sarada? How did you grow so tall?" Sakura replies dramatically, her eyes wide as if in surprise.
"Hihihi," Sarada laughs. So does Sakura. And in this moment, my life feels so complete, so worth it. This is all I ever wanted. To have them smile, to have them by my side. I'll do anything, anything, and I'll give everything to make this last.
It's late in the afternoon when we go to the special 3D show, finally having finished seeing everything else. It's an animated underwater adventure aimed towards kids. Sarada sits between Sakura and me and excitedly puts the 3D glasses on. She seems to be having fun until an octopus appears in the screen, extending two of its tentacles and she squeals in fear. From what I understand, she associates octopuses with the Kraken and is terrified of them. As I reach out my hand to gently pat her head, I hear Sakura whispering something to soothe her.
We decide to go get dinner together although that wasn't originally in our plan. But it's late and we're tired so we decide it'll be more convenient.
"Sarada, do you want pizza or spaghetti?" Sakura holds the menu in front of Sarada as she asks.
"Sarada wants ice-cream."
"Eh? Ice-cream?"
"Yes. Cherry ice-cream with chocolate chips."
"That's alright. You can have ice-cream. But only after eating something proper for dinner."
"But I want ice-cream only," she whines.
"You can't eat ice-cream for dinner, Sarada."
Realising her mother won't fall for her puppy eyes, she decides to try her luck with me. "Papa?"
Kids are innocent, huh?
"Sakura is right. We'll buy you ice-cream, a double scoop, but you have to eat dinner first."
She pouts.
Since the chair at the restaurant isn't high enough for Sarada to reach the table, Sakura tries to feed her, much to her annoyance. Because apparently, she isn't a little girl anymore and can eat by herself. In the end, I place her on my lap, letting her eat from my plate. She puts the fork into the pasta and rolls it with full concentration, using both her hands. But unfortunately, by the time the fork finally reaches her mouth, most of the spaghetti has returned to its original place on the plate. Making my daughter very, very angry. But in the end, once she gets her ice-cream, she forgives and forgets everything.
Leaving the restaurant, I pick Sarada up since she says she can't walk anymore. When we reach the station, she has already fallen asleep, resting her head on my shoulder.
"She ran around all day," Sakura gently removes the hairband from Sarada's head, "She's doesn't have any more energy left."
The train arrives and we get in. It's not crowded, so we manage to get two seats. Sakura and I sit side by side but we leave a little space between us. And to me, that small space, that space of around three inches feels like a physical manifestation of our separation. It's so minuscule, maybe it doesn't even qualify to be called a distance. It doesn't look hard to cross and yet, neither of us attempts to. Instead, we just sit there in silence. The train keeps moving and I keep my eyes from venturing sideways, instead I force them to stay on the large window facing me, watching the city lights pass by in a hurry.
And still, I can see Sakura out of the corner of my eye anyway.
"Sasuke-" she attempts to take Sarada from me.
"What?"
"It's the 9th station."
It takes me a while to understand the implication of her words.
"I'm coming with you two."
Of course. Does she really think I'll just get off the train as my stop comes and let her carry Sarada home all by herself this late?
"You-" she doesn't finish her words and I feel a sense of relief. Because I know there has been nights like this, plenty of them, when me being by her side would have been reassuring to her. And yet I wasn't there. If she decided to bring that up now, I won't know what to say.
I walk to her apartment with her, Sarada sleeping peacefully in my arms. We climb the stairs without exchanging a single word. And it makes the noise of our footsteps sound disturbingly loud. Sakura unlocks the door and I get inside, carefully laying Sarada on the couch. She's sound asleep. Sakura sits in front of her and takes the boots off her feet. I stand there, just watching them in silence. It's such a domestic moment and it's so mundane, so mundane that maybe to anyone else it's nothing of importance. But to me, it feels like a privilege.
Sakura gets up, Sarada's little red boots in her hand, "Stay the night."
Huh?
Did she just...?
Is she serious or is she saying it just out of politeness?
Am I supposed to turn down?
But that's not fair. If she doesn't want me here, why give me hope?
"Sasuke?" her eyes search my face.
"Is it- Do you really mean it?"
"Y-yes. I mean, it's late. And you're tired too."
"Are you really okay with me," your ex-husband, "spending the night here in your place?"
"Ummm... I-" she smiles nervously, "I trust you, Sasuke. So, if you don't feel uncomfortable, please stay."
Spending a night under the same roof with Sakura and Sarada? After all this time?
After all this time...
I carry Sarada to her bedroom and with some difficulty, Sakura manages to change her into her sleepwear.
Once done with Sarada, she makes a bed on the floor of her own bedroom and refuses to listen to my protests when I say I'll take that. She says I'm her guest and she can't make me sleep on the floor.
"Sakura?" I ask in the darkness of her bedroom.
"Hm?"
"Did you enjoy today's outing?"
"Of course I did. Didn't you see how happy Sarada was? I've never seen her this happy before."
"Yes. I know she was happy. But I'm asking if you were happy or not."
"Yes I was. Seeing Sarada happy makes me happy."
Is that so? Is Sarada the only reason she was happy?
"Sakura?"
"Hm?"
"...I was happy too. Of course because Sarada was happy. And you looked happy too. But also because this is all I ever wanted. The three of us together... Like a family."
She doesn't say anything and even though I can't see her in the darkness, I can feel her turning away from me. For a while, a heavy silence lingers inside the room.
"You know... I have long accepted that this is how I'll have to live my life. I can't love again. So, I thought Sarada is all I'll ever have. A normal family, a complete family, something that sounds too easy to have, I know I'll never have it," she pauses. "But today, I felt like I did have it. Even though it was for one day only, I felt like I had it all. The family I thought I can never have."
Those words feel like they're mine but coming out of her mouth.
"I'm so happy we got to do this. I'll remember this forever and will always be grateful to you but let's not do this often."
What?
"Why not?"
"Because I'll get used to it. I'll get used to it and then when you finally find someone and leave, Sasuke... I don't think I can live through that same pain once again. I can't." She muffles her cries in her pillow.
And without thinking, I get up from the bed and join her on the floor, I pull her to myself and she doesn't protest. She rests her head on my arm and cries. Her fingers clutching at my T-shirt. Her body shaking.
"I don't want to leave, Sakura."
"Please don't make promises you can't keep."
"I can, Sakura..." I place my hand on her wet cheek, "I can, and I want to. I really do. But only if you allow me to."
"Sasuke-"
My name is all she says and then she continues crying and I just hold her there, so close that I can feel her body heat against mine and her soft skin through the thin material of her clothing. The smell of her shampoo invades my senses and her breath brushes against my neck, making my heart race. This brings back memories from the first night we had shared a bed and I feel like we're back at square one. There's a choking pain in my heart and I realise how, exactly how badly I've missed this and now that she really is here in my arms once again, it feels like I finally made it back home after having lost my way.
Note: Happy birthday to the fandom's daughter. If Sarada was real, I'd put her in a bag and run away (only to get killed by Sasuke and Sakura once they find me) why is she so cute?
This fic keeps getting longer and longer I hope it isn't getting boring.
Take care,
June ❤️
[31.03.2020]