"But I'm not saying this to justify what I did. You've already heard what happened. I abandoned you like he abandoned me. I won't try to make excuses, I don't expect you to forgive me."
"Yes. The mother in me won't forgive a mother who abandoned her child."
I sit there, watching the exchange between two women in front of me, unable to grasp what exactly is transpiring between them.
"But the woman in me understands. You loved someone and thought you'll be together forever. Then, one day you suddenly find yourself left all alone, your dream of a family now your worst nightmare and you even have a child to care for. Yes, we blame a mother who abandons her baby. But just because you become a mother doesn't mean that's all you become. You are a person too, a young woman who have a life. And all of a sudden you have to take up a role that you weren't at all prepared for."
"You too... had a baby at twenty one."
"Yes. And I wasn't prepared for it at all. I loved my baby, I was ready to die for her, and was trying my best. But it was difficult still. And I had a husband who gave up his dreams and was working himself to death for me and my baby. You had no-one."
Her mother just stares at her.
"What I'm saying is, I do find one of your actions very questionable. But that doesn't mean I hate you. Let's say, there's a part of you I don't approve of. But it's only a small part. Very small."
She looks my way.
"I love him. I love him and my, our daughter," she turns her face back to her mother as I sit there holding my breath, "They make me realise how great a gift it is to even be born. And you are the one who brought me into this world. And if you hadn't given me up, I won't have them in my life. So, in the end, I have nothing to detest you for, maybe I should thank you because it doesn't matter how you did it or why, call it a twist of fate but in the end, I benefitted from it. I have very loving parents, it's not like I've been lacking something. In the end, it's you who pulled the shorter end of the stick."
I watch as tears stream down her mother's cheeks. And a little hesitantly, Sakura reaches out, putting her arms around her. And as soon as she does that, she pulls her into an embrace, she clutches onto her, she holds her so strongly that it looks to me as if she's trying to draw her back inside herself once more, as if to start over. This time never letting her go. And she wails. Loudly. Without holding back.
I came here because Sakura asked me to. I promised I would be here by her side. But I get up from the chair and move away a little. Because that scene is too personal. It's a strange bond between two women who understand each other in certain ways, who also are also connected by blood. It's something I can't ever comprehend. So the least I can do is to give them a little space.
.
.
.
"Do you really think it was a good idea?"
Sakura looks up at me. Plugging her phone in after our video call with Sarada ended. "What idea?"
"Asking her for a lunch? I mean she clearly doesn't make a lot of money."
"No she doesn't. But she finally met the daughter she abandoned twenty five years ago," Sakura gets on her bed. I had initially planned to take two rooms but she asked me not to. Instead, we went for one room with two single beds. "Do you understand why she started looking for me after all these years?"
"...She said she wanted to see how you were doing."
"Yes. But why now? All of a sudden?"
"..."
"Because she reached her limit. She couldn't take it anymore. She has been feeling guilty all this time."
She lies down on the bed, facing me. The yellow light of the table lamp reflecting in her eyes. A little brighter than usual. Because of the tears pooling there.
"Had she not been through that, had that guy," technically her 'father', "not been a jerk, she with me and him could have been what I am with Sarada and you. And that was exactly what she had dreamt of."
It takes me a while to speak.
"What are you with Sarada and me?"
She blinks.
Once. Twice. Thrice.
"Family," she breathes in, "Aren't we, Sasuke?"
She reaches out her hand from her bed. After a few raced heartbeats, I do the same. Our fingers tangle together, her smaller hand fitting perfectly in mine. I tighten the grip. And she does too. As if in response.
"Always."
Always have been. Even when we were apart. We have belonged together. Like pieces of a puzzle put in separate boxes.
"We won't mess up again. Right?"
"Definitely not," I squeeze her hand a little more. "Also, I'll take you out on a date when we're back home."
Her eyes go a little wide.
"A date?"
"You told me to go on dates."
"Y-yes. But I- I mean... It's me."
"And?"
"I don't know. I... It feels weird. Because I've dated you before. I've married you and had Sarada with you already. We already went full circle."
"Good for us."
She laughs, "Definitely. Sarada is the best thing that ever happened to me."
"You keep bringing her up. Now I want to see her so bad."
"We just talked to her, Sasuke."
"Doesn't matter. I still miss her. I always do."
She keeps quiet for a few moments.
"And you had to do it all this time. Seeing..." she stops, to come up with an appropriate word, "My mother, I understood you must have felt like that too. You must have missed Sarada. You must have wanted to hold her, to play with her, to give her all your love."
"I did," I confess, "And it wasn't just Sarada. There has been nights when I've gone to bed with the photo from back then. You, me and Sarada when she was just a month old. Because that was all I had left."
"The one you asked me to make a copy for you?"
"Yes."
She falls silent at that.
"I know you were talking about yourself."
"Huh?"
"When you were telling her about her dream of a happy future getting destroyed. That's how you felt back then, didn't you?"
I watch as her eyes fill up with tears.
"I... Didn't know where I went wrong. I gave you everything I could. My love, my heart, body and soul. And yet I..."
"You felt like I used you and then threw you away. Like you had once feared."
"No. Not exactly that. Because you, the way you worked so hard for my and Sarada's sake. It was more like a feeling of not being enough. I kept asking myself what else I could have done."
I sigh. We stay like that for a while. Holding hands in silence.
"Don't take me out on a date."
"Hn?"
She sits up. Suddenly full of energy.
"Don't take me out. As in out out. We've already been through a whole... relationship. We know what we like and what we don't. So, let's skip the unnecessary parts. I'll go to your place. Cook me that fried rice you used to make back then. That one with prawns and eggs."
"And spring onions."
"And spring onions," she nods, "I've tried to make it a few times. Because... I missed you," my heart skips a beat, "But it didn't turn out, well, it didn't turn out bad it just didn't taste like yours."
"Can I come to your bed and kiss you?"
Her eyes go wide. And cheeks pink. This is something I've always liked about her. She can be as flirty and dirty as it can get. Yet, something as basic as this can turn her into a blushing mess. Taking her off guard is the key.
I don't wait for her reply. I get up from my bed and walk to her. Hold her face in my palms as she looks up at me. Her eyes. Her eyes have always been my weakness. I lean down and kiss her forehead. Then her cheeks. Her nose. Her chin. And in the end, her lips. Nothing sensual. Just a kiss. And she giggles. Throwing her arms around me.
"Sleep with me."
I detangle myself from her, raising an eyebrow.
"By sleep I mean sleep oh my god!"
"Hn. I was just making sure."
"You're such a pervert."
"You're one to speak."
Her cheeks turn redder.
"You didn't seem to hate it." But she always has a comeback.
"On the contrary, I loved it."
She pouts.
"Go sleep in your bed." She falls back onto the bed, pulling the blanket over herself.
"Why? What happened?"
"Nothing."
"If you don't tell me," I get onto her bed, "I'm sleeping here."
She frowns at me, but I know it's just fake. Her puffed cheeks remind me who Sarada got it from.
"Whatever," she turns away from me and switches off the table lamp.
I put my arm around her waist, drawing her close. Her back touching my chest. And she just lets me.
"Go to sleep. We have to go get those printouts before going for lunch tomorrow."
"I know," and kiss her on the head. Snuggling closer to her. "I missed you too."
A few seconds pass. Then she puts her hand on mine, latching our fingers together.
Note: For a part of this chapter I took inspiration from the song Saturn by Sleeping At Last.
I wish I could add a GIF to show you my reaction as I see y'all say I'm 'kind' and 'nice'. I'm not nice. I can be pretty rude. I just don't do it unless I'm given a reason to.
Your comments and messages really touched me. I love you all so so so much. I was a depressed girl withdrawn from the world. I wrote fics to as a way to express myself and thought no-one would care. But you did. And not only did you listen to my gibberish, some of you reached out to me. I feel like I wrote a letter and put it in a bottle, floating it into the sea. I didn't know if anyone would ever find it. And even if they did, why would they bother opening it and seeing what was in there? Instead, I found people writing back to me. I got way more than I ever dreamt of. Thank you for that.
Also, the SasuSaku fest I told you about is taking place from 1st to 7th June. You can submit prompts till tomorrow. Visit user ytamanotwt if you're interested.
Lots and lots and lots of love,
June ❤️
[08.05.2020]