After breakfast Mac was told the news that he would soon be leaving, Jack smiling when he spoke.
"Leaving?" Mac asked, not knowing what that meant, were they kicking him out because he was healed and didn't need to be there anymore. He wasn't sure if he could just go back to his house, he hadn't been there in so long.
"Yeah buddy, you don't need to be here anymore. No more doctors poking and prodding you, you can do what you want, when you want," Jack replied, realising that maybe he shouldn't have said the last part. Mac suddenly looked scared, the poor kid hadn't really been allowed to do what he wanted for a long time and it was probably a scary concept.
Mac smiled, knowing that's what Jack wanted, he seemed happier than Mac was that he was being released. His stomach was in knots though, not knowing what to expect, was he going to be on his own, he knew Jack needed to be getting back to work and the others all had jobs too.
"Bozer bought some clothes for you while you were still asleep, why don't you go have a shower and change. The doc wants to give you one last exam and then we can go."
Mac nodded, wondering where the bag by the door had come from. He headed into the bathroom, hoping he would feel better about leaving after he'd been under the relaxing spray. Soon he was out of the shower and Dr Fray had changed his bandages, and removed the canula from his hand, giving Jack a bag of supplies.
"You ready to go kiddo?" Jack asked.
Mac was shaking, he didn't know if he wanted to leave. Even though he hadn't had the best time in medical, he felt safe there, the safest he'd felt in a while. He wasn't sure where they were going, he didn't know if Jack were going to take him and drop him off and he would have to fend for himself. He knew that he could look after himself, he was an adult and he had been a competent agent, but things were different now, he was different. Mac hoped that in time things would get back to the way they'd been before his father, he wanted to be able to go wherever he liked, do whatever he wanted, even eventually come back to work. He also knew that it would take time, and right then he needed help, he needed Jack.
"Hey kiddo, what's wrong?" Jack asked, seeing the deer in the headlight's expression on Mac's face.
"I don't want you to leave!" Mac exclaimed, his eyes holding so much emotion.
"Leave? Where do you think I'm going Mac?"
"I don't know," Mac replied honestly. "I figured when we got to wherever we're going, you'd go back to your own life, go back to your flat, your job. You don't need to look after me anymore."
"Oh Mac, I'm sorry I didn't explain well enough. I'm not leaving. We're gonna be living together for a little while, Matty ok'd the time off and I don't wanna leave you by yourself. And kiddo, I'll always look after you, even when you don't want me to."
Mac smiled, glad that he'd been wrong, he hated that he was probably going to be dependent on Jack for a while, at least until he got his head around somethings. Jack didn't seem to mind though and Mac was happy about that.
An hour later and they were walking into the safe house, Jack putting the bags by the door, turning around to see what Mac thought of the place.
"It's not much, but Vanessa thought it would be good for you to be somewhere neutral for a bit, get used to living somewhere normal before going home."
"It's great," Mac replied, walking through the door and looking around.
The place was small, kitchen and living room in one, doors at the back leading off to a patio, there was a corridor that must have led to the bedrooms and bathroom, it was better than Mac thought it would be. It didn't remind him of where he'd been living which, was a bonus and it would be easy to maintain.
"Why don't you sit on the couch and I'll make some lunch," Jack said, checking out what supplies they had.
"I should make lunch," Mac replied, knowing that Jack had done so much already. "You should take a break."
"I'll tell you what, we'll take it turns," Jack said, not wanting the kid to tire himself out. "I'll make lunch today, you do it tomorrow."
Mac hesitated, his father always wanted him to make meals, said that he had to earn his keep, surely it would be the same here. If Jack was looking after him then he should help, Jack shouldn't have to do everything. He was going to say this but realised he didn't want to get in any trouble as they'd just arrived. He did as he was told and sat on the couch, watching Jack in the kitchen.
Jack was oblivious to the thoughts in Mac's head, just thinking that the kid wanted to help out, he made the sandwiches and bought them over, trying to decide if he should just put the plate on the table and have Mac come over on his own, or tell Mac that it was time to eat.
Mac saw Jack putting the lunch on the table, and he wasn't sure what he should do. He knew that Jack and Vanessa had been trying to get him to just eat without being told to, but he was finding it hard. It had been drummed into him that it was rude to take food that didn't belong to you without being told first, his father had also informed him that he wouldn't always deserve to be fed and that he had to wait until his father had decided.
Mac chewed his lip, watching Jack sit down and take a bite out of his sandwich. He supposed that Jack wouldn't have made him any lunch if he didn't deserve it, but he was still unsure if it would be rude to just start eating. He decided to at least sit at the table, maybe Jack was waiting for him to do that before he gave him permission.
Jack sighed, realising that Mac was still sitting on the couch, it looked like they needed to have a discussion again about food. He was about to tell Mac that it was time to eat when he saw him walk over to the table. Mac sat down, but kept his hands in his lap, looking at the food but not touching it.
"Mac, you don't need permission," Jack said, hoping that would be all he needed to say.
"It's rude to take food that doesn't belong to me," Mac replied, wanting Jack to know why he wasn't eating.
Jack sighed again, starting to realise that Mac had had so many things drummed into him, it was going to take a while for them to straighten everything out. "Ok, I can understand that. But bud, everything here is yours, so it doesn't apply."
"It's yours too."
"That's true, but what's mine is yours, you know that. Don't feel afraid to get something to eat if you need it, hell if you want it. All I ask is that if you use the last of something, you let me know so I can add it to the grocery list."
"Father had me write down anything that had been finished and needed to be bought. We could put a note pad in the kitchen?"
"Great idea," Jack said, smiling. He thought it was first time Mac had suggested something on his own, he just hoped that it continued.
After lunch, Mac insisted on washing up, so Jack had let him, he had to know which battles to fight and which to concede. They soon settled onto the couch and watched a movie; Jack didn't want the first day to be stressful. Vanessa was coming over the next day to see how they were settling in and to give Mac some exercises and things she wanted him to work on.
The day was soon over, and Jack saw Mac tense up at the mention of bedtime. Mac probably wasn't sure where he was going to be sleeping, he'd only slept in a bed for a couple of days, used to sleeping on the floor. Now that he was healing, they both wondered in their own ways if Mac would be sleeping on the floor again.
Jack led him to the bedrooms, they were right next to each other, although if necessary Jack would sleep in the same room as Mac, until he was used to it. Mac breathed a sigh of relief when he saw the bed, even though he shouldn't have done, all he could think was his room back at his father's place. It was completely bare and usually he would have to sleep in the corner, chained up. He had visions of the same thing happening here.
He knew Jack wouldn't be so cruel, although this was their first night so deep-down Mac wondered if being secured for the night would be something that would happen.
"Should I sleep in the bed?" Mac asked, wanting to be sure.
"You sleep wherever you like buddy, I'm sure the bed would be comfier than the floor though," Jack replied, keeping his fingers crossed that Mac would choose the bed over the floor.
"And.." Mac trailed off, not wanting to make Jack mad.
"And what bud, you can ask anything."
"There won't be any restraints tonight?"
Jack's face couldn't hide the anger he felt, how could Mac have asked that. He calmed down once Mac flinched away, whispering "I'm sorry."
"Mac, I will never tie you up, never. I don't care what's happened in the past, or what you're used to. Now your father is gone and you're free from the hospital that will never happen again, do you understand."
Mac nodded, wishing he'd kept the question to himself, he didn't like making Jack upset. Again deep down he knew that Jack would never do anything like that to him, he was just so used to being restrained in some way, ever since he'd first woken up in that basement he'd always been secured, especially at night. Then it happened more than once at the hospital. It would take some time for his brain to realise that it wouldn't happen again.
"Now, will you be ok sleeping by yourself? I'll just be in the next room. Or would you like me in here with you tonight?"
Mac could have cried, he assumed that he would be sleeping by himself, he should have known Jack wouldn't let him. He was a big boy though and Jack needed his rest. "I'll be ok."
"If you're sure. You need anything, I'm just next door, I'll leave the door open, just call ok."
Mac nodded, walking into his room to get ready for bed, he smiled again, for the first time he was getting ready and he didn't need to worry about anything. He didn't have to worry about taking too long, he didn't have to worry about someone walking in on him, he certainly didn't have to worry about doing something wrong. Mac got into bed, under the covers and fell asleep straight away, not moving until the morning.
When Mac woke up the next morning he went straight to the kitchen, hoping that he could surprise Jack with breakfast. He knew he hadn't been the easiest person to be around lately, and he was still weary of being a burden. Cooking Jack's breakfast would be something he could do; he'd cooked enough for his father that he could do it easily.
Jack woke up to the smell of coffee and bacon, he frowned, thinking maybe Bozer had come over to cook them breakfast. While he would be grateful, he would have to speak to him about coming over unannounced. He got up and changed, heading into the living area, to see Mac by himself, dishing up breakfast for them both.
"Morning kiddo, smells good," Jack said, sitting at the table.
"I was just wondering if I should wake you," Mac replied, hovering by the table, seeming unsure of himself. "I hope bacon, pancakes and maple syrup are ok?"
"It's great, I didn't know you could cook!" Jack exclaimed, digging in.
"I had to learn," Mac said, glad Jack seemed to be enjoying himself.
Jack shook his head slightly at Mac's words, not I wanted to learn, or my dad taught me. I had to learn, probably got punished every time he made a mistake. "Sit down buddy, or it'll go cold."
"Do you need anything?" Mac asked, sitting when Jack shook his head. Mac was used to eating cold food, sometimes his father would take a while to eat, by the time he'd given Mac permission to have something, anything hot had gone cold and he knew he wouldn't be able to reheat it.
He dug into the food, thinking that it was the best thing he'd eaten in a while, he really hoped that he could get used to eating again with being told to, he missed food and he thought maybe some of the reason he couldn't shake certain feelings and behaviours was because his body was too weak. His father seemed to let Mac eat just enough, not too much, he wanted him to be weak, not to able to fight back, having just enough energy for some of the work he had him doing but not enough that he would want to stray too far.
"You cooked, so I'll clean," Jack said, ready to get up.
"No, I wanted to do everything this morning, you deserve a break," Mac replied, picking up the crockery and cutlery.
"Ok buddy, but I'm making lunch."
He watched Mac balance all the things walking the short way to the kitchen, he almost made it but flinched when the doorbell rang, everything smashing to the floor.
Jack watched Mac freeze, his breath quickening and his body rigid, as if he were expecting to be hit straight away. He probably would have been if he'd been with his father, luckily Jack didn't care about a few broken plates. Slowly Mac turned.
"I'm sorry, I'll clean it up, I didn't mean to. I'm sorry."
Vanessa had opened the door when she heard the crash, worried what was happening, seeing the scene before her broke her heart, as if breaking a few plates should make someone this scared.
"Mac, buddy it's ok. It's just stuff, you don't have to say sorry," Jack said, approaching the kid slowly, not wanting to make any sudden moves.
Mac wasn't listening, he was picking up the broken china and putting it in the bin, his heart racing. He didn't know what had happened, one minute they were happy and the next he was ruining it. He wondered what his punishment would be, obviously nothing as bad as his father would have given him, but he had to get something. A hand touched his shoulder and he moved away instinctively, expecting to get grabbed and dragged off at any minute. He looked up, seeing Jack's concerned face, then spotting Vanessa behind him.
"Mac, I'm sorry buddy, I shouldn't have touched you. Can you stop what you're doing and look at me please."
Mac heard that time, he immediately did as he was told, knowing that he shouldn't have moved away, he wasn't sure what he expected from Jack but listened anyway.
"Things get broken kiddo; all the time and you can't fix everything. I know you've been told that it was bad to break things, even if it wasn't your fault. I need you to listen when I tell you that it's ok to break things when there's an accident, like just now. The doorbell rang and it scared you, it's ok that you jumped, and it's ok that you dropped everything."
"It's not mine," Mac whispered, wanting to justify his actions.
"That's true, but what I said still applies. We can easily replace anything broken; I don't want you to get so worked up."
"Jack's right Mac. I know instinctively you think you've done something wrong, and that's ok, but you must listen to what Jack, or I are saying. If we tell you that it's ok, then it is," Vanessa spoke, needing to make Mac understand.
Mac sat for a minute, taking in what was being said, it was so hard to not panic. When he broke two plates and a cup at home his father had beat him, not even taking him away to do it, leaving him curled up on the kitchen floor afterwards, before making him tidy up. This was much worse; everything was broken, and it seemed not to matter.
"You won't punish me?" Mac asked, needing to be sure.
"No kiddo, no punishment," Jack said, finding it hard to keep his emotions in check. He could only imagine what the kids father had done to him. "There will be no more punishments Mac, I want you to try not to worry.
Mac nodded, continued to clean up the broken stuff, even though Jack had told him it didn't matter, it still needed to be tidied up. He broke it, so he should clean it up.
Jack left Mac to it, knowing that he wouldn't be able to stop him. He motioned for Vanessa to follow him, walking over to the patio doors.
"Everything was going so well until this," Jack said, running his hands down his face.
"He's been ok?"
Jack nodded, saying that there had been a few small issues but nothing major. "He got up and cooked me breakfast this morning, had it waiting for when I got out of bed."
"That's good, gives him some independence."
"I'm pretty sure he only did it because he made his father's meals, probably thought he'd have to do the same here."
"I want to sit down with him, go over some things. Ideally he needs to set himself some tasks for the day, even if it's only one per day to start off with."
A little while later and they were doing exactly that, Mac sitting on the couch with Jack next to him, Vanessa on the armchair opposite.
"Mac do you remember your life before you were kidnapped?" Vanessa questioned.
"But you shouldn't look backwards, only forwards," Mac said, his father liked saying that.
"Looking backwards isn't a bad thing Mac, especially if you're thinking about memories. Before your father took you, things were different," Vanessa replied, keeping her voice calm.
"I was different," Mac said, lowering his head. He knew that he was weaker now, broken and he was ashamed of it.
"You can get back to that kiddo, it'll just take some time," Jack added, not liking Mac's demeanour.
"I'm too broken," Mac whispered, tears leaking from his eyes.
"I'm not going to lie to you Mac," Vanessa said, finding it hard to not reach out and touch her patient. "It's going to be hard getting back to normal, things may never be the same. But you are not too broken. We can help if you'll let us."
Mac sat for a little while taking in what Vanessa had said, he didn't want to feel the way he did, weak, pathetic, scared of every little thing. His father had told him so many times that he didn't deserve the life he had, he didn't deserve to have thoughts and feelings of his own, he only could do what his father told him. He was so used to walking on eggshells, hoping that something he did wouldn't set his father off. Worrying every minute that he would be punished for something he'd done, or just punished to keep him in line. His father would pull him aside at random times, beat him or hurt him in some other way, just because he didn't want Mac to get too comfortable. It kept him on edge, compliant and broken so he wouldn't attempt to leave or disobey his father. Mac knew that it was over, his father wasn't coming back, he was safe, he knew deep down that Jack wouldn't do anything that his father did. He hoped Vanessa was right and that he would get back to normal, he really hated the way he was and wished that the last month hadn't happened.
"What do I need to do?" Mac asked, hoping that Vanessa had the cure for everything.