The next few days went well for Mac, he tried extremely hard to not flinch when Jack was too close, or he did something that he would usually get punished for. He was sleeping well, happy to be able to sleep in a bed again, not realising how much he'd missed it. They had got into a routine, Vanessa saying that it was helpful in his recovery. They tried to do the same things each day at the same time, only changes being some of the things she'd asked him to do.
Mac had started a journal, he was to write down anything that went through his mind, especially the things he didn't feel comfortable saying aloud. When he did something that he felt he'd done wrong, every time he thought about his father, unfortunately that was often and any other thought that came to mind.
He was also asked to write down as much as possible about his time with his father, Vanessa said it would be helpful to know some of the things he'd been subjected to, what he could and couldn't do, it would help for her and the others to know if there would be any triggers, anything they should either avoid or deal with carefully. She had also started going through some of the list with Mac, trying to get him to understand that what his father did was wrong and that he didn't deserve it.
"So, you've put here that you broke two plates and a cup and that your father beat you," Vanessa said, now knowing why Mac had responded so badly the other day. "What were his reasons?"
"The plates and cup weren't mine and I should've been more careful," Mac replied, knowing that it hadn't been the only time it had happened.
"So, you deserved to be punished?"
"Yes, I shouldn't have broken them."
"Did you break them on purpose?"
"No, why does that matter?" Mac asked, confused. Whether he broke them on purpose or not they were still broken, and it was his fault.
"Mac, accidents happen, and we shouldn't have to worry about getting into trouble for them," Vanessa responded, hoping to get through. "Getting beaten for something small like that shouldn't have happened."
"It wasn't a bad beating, I've had worse," Mac said, trying to justify what had happened. "He had to punish me."
"Did Jack punish you for breaking the china the other day?"
"No."
"But he should of?" Vanessa asked, wondering what Mac's response would be.
"Yes, I don't understand why he didn't. That deserved a beating for sure, if not some sort of punishment."
"And if Jack had broken the china instead of you, should he have been punished?"
Mac froze, wondering why Vanessa was asking, that hadn't happened, and Jack would never do that. "No of course not."
"Why?" Vanessa asked, hoping that she was making some progress.
"Because he wouldn't deserve it."
"But you would?"
"Of course."
"Mac, I need you to make me understand why you would deserve punishment for something that wasn't your fault but someone else wouldn't. That doesn't make sense to me."
"If father didn't punish me, then I would do more bad things, I would disobey him or try to leave, I needed it. Father had to remain strong, and he had to make me strong too. He couldn't though, I'm just too weak."
Vanessa sighed, she thought she could use logic to get Mac to understand that what his father had done was wrong, unfortunately in Mac's mind, everything his father did was right, and it was what he deserved.
"Let's move on to something different. You wrote that when your father went out he had to make sure you were safe before he went, that meant restraining and hiding you. Can you tell me about that?"
"There was a hole in the living room floor, just big enough for a person. It was the perfect place to hide in case someone came looking, my father had me go in there," Mac said, happy to move on.
"If you were just hiding, why the restraints?"
"He had to make sure I wouldn't escape while he was gone, and that I would stay where I was, it wasn't a comfortable space, if he hadn't have secured me I might have wanted to get out."
"I see, so he restrained your hands and feet, anything else?"
"He blindfolded me and put a gag in, then he gave me a sedative," Mac replied, completely calm, like this was completely normal.
"That seems excessive," Vanessa said, hoping that Mac agreed, knowing deep down that he wouldn't.
"The gag was so I didn't shout out if someone came, the blindfold and sedatives were to keep me calm, it was small, claustrophobic. Usually I woke up and my father would let me out not long after."
"Usually?" Vanessa said, catching the slight hitch in Mac's voice.
"The last time he was gone a lot longer than he should've been, it was hours after I woke up that he let me out, I cried and wet myself. Father wasn't happy."
"But it was his fault?"
"I shouldn't have been so disgusting, wetting myself, that's not what an adult does, and I knew he'd be back at some point, crying was stupid and weak."
"You were punished for it?" Vanessa asked, praying he wasn't.
"Father hit me, then he made me clean up the mess I'd made. He apologised later, said that he shouldn't have been gone so long."
"He apologised? So, it was his fault, that means anything that happened wasn't on you."
"He was gone a long time, I guess it wasn't my fault for wetting myself. I was scared he wasn't coming back, and I'd be stuck there, that's why I cried. That was weak though."
"Crying doesn't make you weak Mac. No matter what your father said. It was perfectly normal to be worried that you were going to be stuck where you were, perfectly normal to feel a little scared."
Mac nodded, knowing that Vanessa was right. He had been in the hole a lot longer than he should of and his father had apologised for leaving him so long.
"Would you have escaped it you'd had the chance?" Vanessa asked, deciding she needed to know.
"There would've been no point, I didn't have anywhere to go, and father was trying to keep me safe, I had to stay," Mac replied, really believing it.
"What about Jack and the rest of you team, couldn't you have gone to them?"
"They didn't want me, only my father did."
"You know different now Mac? Don't you?"
"I know my father lied, Jack wants me, I don't know why though, I'm not the same Mac he knew."
"Your father lied to keep you under control, everyone was looking for you from the moment you went missing. And we talked about this, you'll get there, and Jack doesn't care one way or the other how much old Mac you get back. He's happy you're here at all."
Vanessa and Mac had kept talking for another hour, she thought she was making some slow progress and she decided to stop before things got too much. The team were coming over that evening and she wanted to give Mac some time to prepare.
"Mac, I want you to promise me that if gets too much, you'll go to your room. I don't want you suffering, thinking you have to stay," Jack said, just before the others were due to arrive.
Mac didn't really understand what Jack meant but he nodded anyway, if he just kept quiet, he was sure they'd have fun and forget he was there. He didn't want to be a burden or bother anyone, if he was upset he'd just keep quiet.
"Ok good, why don't you go sit outside, Riley and Bozer will be here in a bit."
Mac did as he was told, noticing when he went out that there weren't enough chairs for everyone, he thought he better sit on the floor, he was sure the others would want the chairs. He placed himself in the corner between the wall of the house and the fence, pulling his knees to his chest. Comfortable he waited.
Jack was oblivious to what Mac was doing, getting beers out of the fridge and waiting for the doorbell to ring. When it did he opened it, speaking quietly to his friends before letting them in.
"Just be patient with him, ok. He has his ups and downs, mostly downs unfortunately, I'm hoping maybe with all of us around him, it might make him feel better."
"We got this Jack, no pressure, just some beers, pizza and conversation," Riley replied, thinking that Jack looked like he needed a break.
"Totally, where is he?" Bozer asked.
"Out on the patio, come through, Cage and Matty are picking pizza up they'll be here in fifteen," Jack replied, walking with the others to the outside doors, stopping short when he saw where Mac was sitting.
The others squeezed past him, eager to see their friend, also stopping short, not quite sure what to say.
Bozer reacted first. "Hey Mac, you ok?" He went to sit down beside his friend, hoping the proximity wouldn't upset him.
"I'm fine," Mac replied, surprised when his friend sat beside him. "There are chairs."
"I know dude, but I wanted to sit next to you. You obviously felt more comfortable over here."
Mac frowned, why would Bozer want to sit next to him, a chair would have been better especially with the others coming.
"Hey Mac, there room for one more," Riley said, sitting on his other side.
She smiled at him, spreading her legs out in front of her, it wasn't too bad at least there was no gravel.
Jack smiled. "Well I'm too old to be sitting on the floor, so I guess I'll take one of these chairs. Leave you young'uns to it."
"You're not that old Jack!" Riley exclaimed, laughing.
"I don't know Riley, he gets down here he might never get up," Bozer added, also laughing.
"Gee thanks Boze."
They all noticed that Mac wasn't laughing with them, and it was hard not hearing him join in, not having him call Jack old man. They hoped that he would get there eventually, for now they just had to be patient with him.
"There a reason ya down on the floor bud?" Jack asked, worried that Mac had retreated to the corner, he hadn't done that in a while.
"Not enough chairs," Mac replied, shrugging.
Jack turned and counted, noticing that Mac was right, there were only five chairs and he sighed, Mac had obviously assumed he wasn't allowed to sit in one.
"I'm sorry kiddo I didn't realise, we can get another chair, no problem."
"It's fine, used to the floor."
"No worries Mac, we're good here. Aren't we Riley?" Bozer said, getting as comfortable as he could.
"Definitely, we kids gotta stick together," Riley replied, smiling at Mac, touching his knee gently.
Mac smiled shyly up at her, still a little confused as to why they'd stay, it wasn't as comfortable as he'd hoped it'd be, probably because he hadn't sat on a floor for a while. He was gonna say so when the door opened, revealing Matty and Cage.
"Pizza's here," Matty said, her and Cage holding the boxes between them. "What you guys doing on the floor?"
"We're having a kids only party down here," Riley said, her hand still on Mac's knee. "No old people invited."
Matty raised her eyebrows. "Who exactly are you calling old!"
"Yeah, Jack I understand but Matty and I clearly don't fall in that category," Cage responded, noticing that there was a little tension and playing along.
"Sorry Cage, anyone over the age of thirty isn't invited," Bozer said laughing, especially at the look on Jack's face.
"Fair enough," Cage replied, following Jack into the house.
"What's going on?" Matty asked, joining Jack and Cage in the kitchen.
"We went out to find Mac in the corner, Boze and Ri sat down with him, wanted him to feel wanted I guess. Turns out there are only five chairs and six of us. I'm assuming he thought that meant he had to sit on the floor," Jack replied, running his hand down his face and sighing.
"It's going to take some time for him to feel part of the group again," Cage said, picking up some beers. "We'll just have to try hard to get him to except us, come out of his shell a bit."
Jack nodded, grabbing the remaining beers, realising as they were about to leave that he wasn't sure if Mac should have one. "Do I give him a beer?"
"Is he taking any medication?" Matty asked.
"No, just finished his antibiotics."
"Then if he wants one, he can have one."
Jack nodded taking them out, he handed Bozer and Riley their's before passing the last one to Mac, hoping that he'd take it.
Mac had been listening to Bozer and Riley talking, speaking up occasionally, especially when they spoke directly to him. He was feeling a little more relaxed, but he tensed up when Jack handed him a beer. Suddenly flashing back to the last time, he handled a bottle.
"What is that?" His father exclaimed, coming over to the kitchen table.
Mac wasn't sure what his father was referring to, so he didn't answer, turning to look at him confused.
James picked up the bottle of beer and grabbed the back of his neck. "I asked you a question!"
"It's beer," Mac said, shaking.
The bottle was thrown against the wall smashing into pieces, his dinner plate being pushed off the table and breaking on the floor.
"Who told you, you could touch my beer?" James cried, pulling Mac up and pushing him against the wall.
"I'm sorry," Mac said, he didn't even realise that he'd got the bottle out until he was looking at it. He'd meant to get a bottle of coke.
"You will be!"
James then proceeded to hit him, pushing him to the floor, kicking him hard in the side until Mac curled up into a ball. He grabbed his hair, pulling him up.
"Clean up this mess and then go to your room, you don't deserve any food tonight."
With that James stormed off, Mac slowly cleaned up and made his way to the basement, tears falling.
"Mac, kiddo what's wrong," Jack asked, watching Mac's breathing speed up.
He crouched down and tried to get his attention, the others concerned and not sure what to do.
"I think he's having a flashback," Cage said, getting up and removing the beer bottles. The others let her take them, knowing they were the cause.
"I'm not allowed, I'm not allowed," Mac repeated, tears falling down his cheeks.
Riley moved so that Jack could get in beside Mac, he put his arms around Mac's shoulders and squeezed.
"It's ok kiddo, my fault. Just breathe, you're ok."
Mac listened to Jack's voice, breathing in line with him, slowly his breaths not coming so fast. He opened his eyes to find everyone staring at him, he immediately put his head onto his knees.
"I'm sorry."
"Nothing to be sorry for bud."
"I ruined everything. You should all go, leave me, I'll be ok."
Everyone's heart broke, no one having the slightest inclination to do what he was suggesting, they all stayed where they were. Bozer and Riley both touching Mac's shoulder and knee and Jack still with his arm wrapped around him.
"Nobody's going anywhere kiddo, we're not leaving you. Just breathe and then you can tell us what happened," Jack said, rubbing his hand across Mac's shoulder, hoping to calm him down.
Mac didn't lift his head up; he was too ashamed. He freaked out over a bottle of beer and now he was crying. Why would everyone want to stay when he was acting so pathetic? A small voice, deep inside said, because that's what family does.