A/N: Thank you to lozipozivanillabean. Enjoy!

xxvii.

something always brings me back to you

(Gravity by Sara Bareilles)

March 11, 1978

"Have you ever thought about dating James Potter?"

Lily's eyes widened as they landed on Hermione. "Is that a trick question?" she deliberately asked, her eyebrows knitting together at the middle. "I mean, you are dating James Potter now, so will my answer really matter?"

Hermione bristled on the grass, fully turning her body to look at Lily. "Just answer my question, Lils," she ground out with a frown.

"Merlin, what's gotten into you?" the redhead murmured, scanning the grounds, possibly in search of an escape. Hermione patiently waited as the Head Girl's cheeks reddened in embarrassment. Her fidgety actions already spoke volumes of what Lily's answer might have been in response to her question, and Hermione's heart jumped. Perhaps, there was still a chance for James and Lily to get together.

She ignored how loudly her heart was beating or how shaky she had become. She ignored the brief image of James's mesmerising, hazel eyes or how his warm hand felt whilst holding hers. Ever since she'd gotten Ravenclaw's Diadem, her desire to protect Harry at all costs, blazed like the burning fire she'd directed at the Vanishing Cabinet. Regulus hadn't contacted her since that day, as Hermione had reassured him, she'd still think of a plan on how to procure the next horcruxes. Hence, with that task pushed to the back of her mind, Hermione was confronted with another obstacle – get Lily and James together.

Never mind what she felt about that, of course.

Lily finally sighed and closed her textbook, setting it aside on the grass beside her. She didn't meet Hermione's eyes but instead stared at the Giant Squid, which was performing various strokes across the Black Lake.

"Well," she slowly started, "I did think of cracking last year. I told you he's tolerable now. In fact, lately, he's more than tolerable and you and I both know why that is." Lily's green eyes pierced her meaningfully and Hermione looked away, her cheeks flushing red.

"And, you know, it's undeniable he's handsome," Lily continued with a low voice, her face scrunched up as if pained to even say the words escaping from her lips. "Sometimes, I admit, my eyes do stray in his direction when I know he isn't looking, just to admire how square his jaw is or… or how ridiculously amazing the glasses make him look." Lily chuckled and shook her head. "I know I insulted him once about always running his hand through his hair to make him look freshly windswept after a broomstick ride, but Merlin, James Potter can really pull off the 'stylishly dishevelled look', don't you think?"

She was expectantly looking at Hermione for her answer, but the brunette only nodded once, not trusting herself to speak.

"And, like what you told me, I've actually managed to see the other sides of James Potter." Lily stretched her legs in front of her and smiled. "It disconcerted me a bit because he'd always been the pompous toerag for me. But Potter does really have a sweet, kind side to him. A diligent side even. A brilliant side – you should have seen him during Transfiguration and Charms, Hermione. He's – well – he's these different kinds of people all at once and it made me wonder why he never really showed those sides to me before."

Hermione snorted and copied Lily's position. "Perhaps because he has a bloody reputation to uphold," she joked with a small grin. "You know, 'arrogant sod with an ego the size of the sun and stylishly dishevelled hair'. His fangirls would not have been able to take it if James wasn't all that after all."

"But you see," Lily continued, "he shows all of these sides when he's with you." Hermione glanced at Lily in surprise, prompting the older witch's smile to widen. "I think it's really sweet, how he truly treats you, Hermione. Potter was never like that to me and I doubt he'd even be like that to me if we ever did get together – Merlin forbid."

Lily continued to blink unseeingly at the Black Lake, oblivious to the myriad of emotions crossing over Hermione's face. "So, in summary, yes I did think of trying to date James Potter before," she continued, followed by a disbelieving laugh. "But that curiosity fizzled, now that I have my own sourpuss whom I love more than life itself."

"Love?" the brunette breathed out in surprise.

The redhead's cheeks turned a lovely shade of red upon realising her slip-up. "It's inevitable, Hermione," she pointed out with a shy grin. "We've been friends for years, even longer than our friendship with you. I know people always thought I'd stop becoming friends with him or that Sev would choose his Housemates and their stupid beliefs over me, but I seriously cannot understand that. Maybe like how James Potter shows himself to you, I'm the only one who has seen all the sides of Severus Snape. And let me tell you, Hermione; I love them all – the good, the bad, and the sourpuss."

Hermione stared at Lily and noticed how there was a lovely smile on her face, her green eyes shining extra brighter today. The softness of her expression was enough to clench Hermione's heart tightly, forcing her to look away.

She had forgotten this was Lily Evans after all, the woman who was famously known for her undying love for her son. If it weren't for Lily's love, then Harry wouldn't have been saved at all.

When Lily Evans loved, she loved hard and fierce.

"I wasn't really meaning to say this today," Lily continued, oblivious to the inner turmoil in Hermione. "Sev insisted we should wait to tell you until after NEWTs, but with your ridiculous questions, maybe you need some reassurance that I will never, ever date James Potter."

Hermione quizzically looked back at Lily, but the redhead still held her gaze towards the horizon.

"Sev asked me to move in with him at Spinner's End after graduation," she revealed. "I've told my parents already and they instantly agreed. I did tell you they love Sev, so they knew he'd take care of me properly." Lily chuckled and stretched her arms heavenward, luxuriously bending on her side until she heard a satisfying crick. "I can't wait to tear his whole house down and make it liveable."

The brunette thickly swallowed. "You seem awfully set to spend your future with Sev," Hermione whispered.

Lily's green eyes glinted under the bright sky, eyes that belonged to her best friend – present and future. "I always knew I'd be stuck with him until the end of time," Lily confessed with a brilliant smile. "And, to tell you the truth, I can't bloody wait."

March 14, 1978

James Potter was distracting.

Very distracting to the point that Hermione couldn't properly study her Arithmancy textbook. The words and numbers all seemed garbled in her eyes, stubbornly refusing to stay put so that she could devour the new information she needed for her essay.

Hermione glowered darkly at the oblivious seventh year, whose head was buried behind a Herbology textbook. His glasses were precariously perched on the tip of his nose, and James kept on distractedly pushing them up, only for his glasses to slip down once more.

The brunette had found out recently that she liked to look at James the most when he was studying. There was something about the way his forehead creased in concentration, or how he'd mercilessly nibble his bottom lip in deep thought that captivated Hermione's attention. The green in his hazel eyes was always most prominent when he was deeply in thought like this. Sometimes, James would silently mouth words repeatedly until he was satisfied he'd put the words into his memory.

He was so handsome when he was so diligent and Hermione wished, at times like this, that her friends were at least there to keep her sanity in check. At least Peter would often crack a joke that would make her smile, Sirius would come up with another ridiculous prank, and Remus would ask her questions and challenge her brain. Even Lily and Sev could keep her from getting distracted, always forcing her to take a break or goading her to eat in the Great Hall with them.

But James… James understood her obsession with finishing her studies to match her schedule. He still looked at her disapprovingly when she'd willingly skip a few hours of lunch just to finish an essay, but he'd stubbornly refuse to leave without her by his side. James was mostly silent too, much to her appreciation, only occasionally disturbing her if he wanted to ask a question. Sometimes, he'd silently reach out for her hand and hold it tight while he continued to furiously write his essay on his parchment. Often, he'd sneak toffees on the table towards her, which Hermione would gratefully accept. She never understood why James would unabashedly stare at her while she happily chewed her candy, but there was something in his look that made her heart thud loudly inside her ribcage like he was… he was starved.

James was steadily becoming a problem – a huge, human-sized, handsome problem - and Hermione didn't know what to do. Planning for horcrux hunting was definitely hard, especially now she was confronted with the fact that the other horcruxes were mostly hidden in places impossible for her to access. But at least, planning about this specific task was straightforward, with clear cut facts she could work with. Hermione had already formulated a half-arsed plan on how to steal Helga Hufflepuff's Cup and she only needed to add a few more details before telling Regulus.

But James… letting James see that she wasn't worthy of his time, that he should spend the remaining days of his seventh year with Lily Evans instead, was mighty difficult. Never mind the fact that Lily just practically told Hermione she was very much in love with Severus Snape and couldn't wait to spend her forever with him. Because she knew, she bloody well knew she was largely at fault as to why James continued to spend his time with her.

Hermione embarrassingly craved his presence. Her day always seemed incomplete if she hadn't at least seen him briefly and seen his smile. Just the thought that his hand would be wrapped around hers or knowing he'd be sitting across from her or beside her, either quiet or boisterous or just there, already placed her mind at ease. Lily wasn't exaggerating when she said that James was sweet to her; he'd always do a lot of things that made Hermione's heart flutter, and try as she might, she could never fully pull herself away.

Maybe, she thought, she'd indulge herself for a few more weeks. She constantly convinced herself that it would be disastrous if she tried to break up with James prior to NEWTs. She still wanted him to pass with flying colours and to achieve his dreams of becoming an Auror. Hermione didn't want to be cruel, especially when the last few months were crucial for James.

Hermione blinked in surprise when James suddenly pushed a toffee her way, his eyes still trained intently on his parchment.

"Thanks," she murmured, grabbing the candy and removing the wrapper.

When she popped it inside her mouth, she expelled a soft sigh and closed her eyes. The candy melted and coated her tongue, and Hermione happily chewed on it before opening her eyes.

She was surprised that James was staring at her again, with that disarming look in his eyes, and she paused. "What?" she bluntly asked.

James seemed to catch himself staring and furiously blushed. "Nothing," he said, going back to his essay and rigorously scribbling again.

Hermione frowned at him, but decided to let it go. She went back to her Arithmancy textbook and concentrated very hard, but not even a paragraph was done when the words started to swim out of her vision once more.

The Ravenclaw sighed and glanced back at the older wizard, contentedly watching him as he browsed through his Herbology book and jotted a few notes on his parchment.

A small smirk suddenly appeared on his face and without glancing up, he said, "I didn't know I could distract the brightest witch of her age from studying."

Hermione's cheeks coloured in mortification and she hastily hid her face behind her book. "What are you talking about?" she hotly asked.

She heard James'x chuckle as he gently ripped the book from her hands. Hermione scowled and ducked her head, unwilling to stroke his ego more by showing him how flustered he made her.

"Maybe it's time to call it a day," James suggested, the handsome smirk still plastered on his face.

Hermione eyed him suspiciously, wondering why he wasn't gloating about how he'd made her distracted. His smirk morphed into an innocent smile, and Hermione finally sighed and nodded her head twice.

James waved his wand to clean up their things. He grabbed onto both of their backpacks and stretched out his hand, wriggling his fingers to silently demand for Hermione to hold it.

The brunette snorted in amusement and easily interlaced her fingers with his, secretly wondering how in Merlin's rotting teeth she would be able to stop herself from reaching out to him in the near future.

James was steadily becoming a constant presence in her life, just like Peter and Anya had become very important to her as Hermione Pettigrew. She was delusional if she thought they'd continue staying as friends if she broke everything off with him. And Hermione tried to trample that uncomfortable itch in her heart with the fact that she couldn't imagine her life without James Potter in it anymore.

She secretly glanced at James, whose face had suddenly grown serious. She wondered what he was thinking that had brought out such a humongous frown on his face.

As if sensing Hermione's gaze, James looked down at her. "Well somebody can't stop looking at me today," he teased, one corner of his mouth lifting once more into a handsome smirk.

"Shut up, Potter," she murmured under her breath, her cheeks blazing red at being caught again.

He tugged her closer to him while chuckling under his breath. "There's no need to be shy about it, Hermione," he said. "I know I'm really nice to look at."

Despite her embarrassment, Hermione sighed in exasperation. "Last time I checked it was already night time," she pointed out. "Careful there, James. We don't want everybody to be awakened by your sun-sized ego."

"You like that about me. Admit it, you maddening witch," he tutted.

Hermione was unable to suppress a smile, knowing full well that his annoying confidence had been more endearing to her lately than irksome.

"But really, Hermione, is something wrong?"

She looked at him in surprise. "What makes you ask?"

James squeezed her hand and gave her a withering glance. "I don't know. You seemed out of it most of the time," he said. "Much as I love to know that my girlfriend likes to look at my handsome face, I had this inkling that something else troubles you deeply. Enough to distract you from your studies."

She swallowed at how he'd casually addressed her as 'his girlfriend', when Hermione had been trying to avoid calling him her boyfriend, even in her mind. It meant that things were starting to get serious, and Hermione couldn't afford that.

James saw something in her expression, because he stopped walking all together, an uncertain look on his face. "What?" he asked, worried. "What is it? I said something wrong, didn't I?"

"N– no, you didn't," she stammered lamely, unable to meet his hazel eyes.

His grip on her hand tightened. "Is it— I mean— We are going out, aren't we?" he blurted out.

Hermione sighed and slowly looked back at him. James's face looked pinched, as if he was trying to school whatever emotions he had brewing inside his chest. "I…" She bit her bottom lip and took a deep breath. "Yeah. Yeah, I guess so."

"Well then," he said, his hazel eyes turning steely, "it's only natural I start calling you my girlfriend then, isn't it?"

Her heart thudded once more at the word, unsure how to reply to his question. "It's just a silly label, James, honestly," she said with a nervous laugh.

The way his emotions stuttered made her conclude that it wasn't silly for him. It had never been silly for him - ever since he'd confessed his feelings for her. He had always been earnest with his feelings, his eyes speaking volumes on how much he really, truly liked her.

Her tongue turned thick with the guilt that started to bloom inside her heart. She wanted to apologise, just to remove that terrified emotion from his face, to smooth out the worry lines on his forehead, to assure him that no, no, no this wasn't silly for her either. But no words tumbled out from her lips, the panic of betraying Harry Potter, by robbing him the chance to live, clouding her thoughts.

"Will we still continue doing this?" he finally whispered.

Hermione looked at him questioningly and James continued. "Of… of going out on dates. Or holding each other's hands while walking or eating or studying. Or exchanging letters with contents I bloody well know Peter would never approve of." James paused and thickly swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing in the process. "I'm going to graduate soon, Hermione. We're not going to see each other as frequently as I would like. So please, please tell me, will we still continue doing this, even if I graduate?"

Her panic increased tenfold, mentally chanting to herself that they shouldn't have this conversation yet. Hermione still had no plan on how to elaborately let him down easy after NEWTs, but James was already asking all the difficult questions. "We'll cross over that bridge once we get there, James," she lightly said, trying to dispel the sudden tension blanketing over them.

A myriad of emotions passed through his hazel eyes – dark brown with flecks of green until it was clear and bright and earnest. It hurt Hermione's heart to look at them, because James suddenly looked so serious and deeply upset.

"I'd like to talk about it now, Hermione," he firmly said, his stare unforgiving.

Hermione flushed under his gaze and tried to pull her hand away, but James tightly held her in place. "Please," she pleaded, "don't do this, James."

"Do what?" he asked with a small, hollow laugh. "Ask the difficult questions?"

His words struck her squarely at her heart. James took a mighty, stuttering breath and released it with a soft whoosh, until all that was left in his eyes was raw exhaustion. There was something else, something honest, but Hermione refused to peer at them closely, afraid she'd find herself forever lost in his eyes, unable to crawl far away anymore.

"I have a confession to make," he murmured. "Remember the career essay McGonagall gave us last time?"

Hermione curiously looked at him, unsure where this conversation was going. "Yes," she finally croaked. "I do. Peter hadn't finished his on time and Sirius forgot to do his."

"That's the one," he said with a wry smile. He took another deep breath and squeezed her hand. "There was one question there: where do you see yourself in fifteen years?" His eyes glazed over as he fondly remembered his answer, his wry smile turning kind. "And I really planned to write that I'd be the best Auror the DMLE has ever seen, or I'd be fighting tooth and nail to bring all those dark wizards down. But, after some deep thought, I realised that the future is uncertain. Especially because we are at war. Voldemort and his Death Eaters are growing persistent and no matter how much the ministry tries to cover up all the mess they leave, it is glaringly obvious that the pinnacle of this war is approaching." A dry laugh escaped from his mouth. "Who knows? I might not even survive this war."

Hermione's breath hitched at his cruel joke. Tears unknowingly prickled her eyes because there was a time in his joke that was true, leaving a beautiful, brilliant boy to embark on this journey called life alone.

"And so, I was truthful in my answer," James continued, voice turning soft upon noting the tears in her eyes. "I wrote in my essay that it was uncertain where I'd be fifteen years from now, because I don't want to be too optimistic when a Dark Lord is threatening to ruin this world. I was uncertain of everything. Except… except for one thing." His words died down when his eyes steadfastly held her gaze. "Except for you."

An embarrassed chuckle escaped from his lips when her eyes widened at his claim. "I wrote down on my essay that amidst the uncertainties in this world, I was only most certain about you. How I'd want to change this world to let you live in it peacefully. I know it's ridiculously romantic, perhaps terribly cliché, but it was all I could think about at the time. I did tell you you're all I could think about and…" He made a face. "Merlin, now that I've spoken it aloud, I realized that was a shitty answer."

"James—" She paused. What was she going to say to that?

He gave her hand another gentle squeeze as his gaze turned sorrowful. "So, yes, I'm in it for the long run," he confessed, his cheeks reddening in embarrassment. "And I want to know if you would still like to try things out with me, even beyond Hogwarts, because I don't want to waste your time. Hermione Pettigrew can't afford to waste time, especially when she could give so much to this world."

A tear slid down from her eyes, too overwhelmed at his truthful words. James was expectantly waiting for an answer and Hermione didn't know what to do. His face was steadily crumpling in despair, her long silence already telling. His hold on her hand was slackening, her fingers one by one unwinding from his reverent hold.

And, in that moment, Hermione realised she could never hurt James Potter.

It scared her that Harry Potter might not be born because James and Lily weren't in love. But it scared her much more that she would never see James's smile anymore, or hold his hand, or just… just bask under his warmth and obnoxiousness and kindness.

Hermione tightly closed her eyes at the same time she tightly gripped James's hand.

She knew this was a difficult decision to make, one that might have repercussions that would give her a broken heart. But she finally surrendered to the fact that James Potter had managed to squeeze himself into her heart – huge ego and hazel eyes and all – even though she had tried to distance herself.

When she opened her eyes, more tears tumbled out. James was looking at her with an intense gaze, patiently waiting for her to give him an answer. Smiling sadly through her tears, James had been like that to her ever since she'd agreed to go on more dates with him. Patient with her, waiting for her to make the first move, not letting himself cross the line because he knew he might upset her.

She slowly took a few steps towards him, shrinking the distance between them once more, until he was merely a hairsbreadth away. His breath hitched when she tenderly placed a hand against his cheek, letting her fingers fondly rub against his skin.

The past, present and future all crumbled down around her, until all that was left was him, standing stark and bright with Hermione unable to look away. The mere thought that there was somewhere, sometime when she would have gone on with her life without knowing him, really knowing him, made her heart ache. And maybe this was a bad idea, of continuing to let him be part of her life, because it would be difficult to pull away in the end.

But Hermione was tired, so tired of pulling away and denying all the feelings he evoked from her every time he gave her a smile she knew was only reserved for her. There was a different kind of war in her heart, one that forced her to continue building a mighty fortress that separated her from all the people she knew and everything in this world. She'd managed to build bridges to let Peter and Anya in. She tore down some walls so that she could truly love Lily and Sev and genuinely be happy for them. She'd already thrown a rope to pull Regulus from the deep waters he had found himself in.

And then, there was James, patiently waiting for her to let him cross the other side and for her to finally invite him over.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm sorry, James. I didn't mean to hurt you. I'm sorry." Her tears increased as her hand slipped behind his neck. "I'm so tired. I don't think I can pull away anymore. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

She didn't know if her apologies were for James – for hurting him, for being distant and cold, for her being unwilling to bring down her walls to let him in.

Or maybe it was for Harry – for letting her heart be stolen by his father, for most likely ruining his chance of being born into a world where there was happiness, true happiness, that he had never been acquainted with.

"Live a happy life, Hermione," her Harry had whispered to her and she was afraid she would only, truly achieve that if she continued staying by James's side.

James lifted his hand and cradled her jaw against his palm, peering down at Hermione with so much relief and happiness. "Will you… will you let me kiss you?" he tentatively asked. "I've really wanted to for a while now but I—" He thickly swallowed and glanced at her parted lips. "I promise I won't if you tell me not to."

Hermione didn't need to think about his question anymore. Instead, she leaned forward and pressed her lips against his.

The Gryffindor froze against her, still unsure if she was really giving him permission. Hermione's grip on his neck tightened and she pressed deeper, harder, parting her lips slightly to nip his bottom lip.

This seemed to bring him back to life as his hands curled protectively around her waist to pull her closer to him. His lips weren't tentative anymore. His lips moved against hers with such ferocity and certainty as one of his hands climbed up to cradle her head. Hermione lifted her other arm to loop around his neck, pulling him closer as she tried to stand on her toes, just so she could shrink whatever minuscule distance was left between them.

He was kissing her like he'd held back for so long and it surprised Hermione greatly, discovering that she herself had been holding back just as much.

James blindly pushed her towards an alcove, unwilling to break the kiss. Once her back collided against the wall, Hermione gasped briefly from the sudden impact, pain bolting up her spine.

"Shite, shite," James whispered, finally breaking the kiss. "Are you all right?"

Hermione softly laughed and pulled him closer. "Yes," she replied. "I'm all right."

He grinned goofily and ducked his head down, capturing her lips once more in a searing kiss. His lips were gentler this time, lazily memorising every inch of her lips with his mouth and his tongue.

Hermione melted against him and met his lips with equal fervour, also memorising every corner of him, trying to tattoo inside her mind the feel of his lips pressed warmly against hers.

Her heart stuttered at the thought of how much she'd been depriving herself of - when kissing James Potter was perhaps the greatest memory she'd ever treasure in her whole life.

"I might," he whispered, distractedly pressing a few more kisses against her lips. "I might start crossing this line a lot of times, Hermione."

The fact was, Hermione knew the line between them had long been blurred. She neither knew where it started or where it even ended.

Hermione gently pulled his face away and cradled both of his cheeks against her hands. She peered at him through the darkly-lit alcove, positively sure that his hazel eyes were warm brown. "You don't have to ask permission to do this anymore," she said. She leaned forward and pressed her forehead against his, chuckling softly when his glasses became askew by her close proximity.

"Yeah?" he asked, hope gleaming in his eyes. "No more looking as if you're torn between fainting in shock or sending a Bat-Bogey Hex my way if I did something… untoward?"

Hermione sighed and closed her eyes, briefly pressing a kiss against his lips.

"No more."

A/N: I'm so, so sorry if this is too fluffy for your own liking. I think I was missing my own SO so much when I wrote this chapter so the feels just kinda went out of hand HAHAHAAH. But yeah, I mean yay for relationship progress, I guess. Again, slow burn-y but Hermione's already taking baby steps hehe.

See you tomorrow!

With love,
WickedlyAwesomeMe

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