Ten minutes after Mac's meltdown and everyone was still quiet, waiting for him to get himself together.
"I'm sorry," Mac said again, instinctively.
"There's nothing to be sorry about," Jack said, repeating the earlier phrase. "You feel up to telling us what happened?"
Mac sat up, sniffing, he wasn't sure what to say, it was stupid to act how he did. "It's stupid."
"No Mac, it's not. Come on bud, you said you weren't allowed. Did your dad say that?"
Mac nodded, "I was having dinner and I'd accidently taken a bottle of his beer out of the fridge." He stopped, looking up, everyone waiting. "He came in and saw, he got angry. Asked me who told me I was allowed it, he smashed it against the wall and then pushed everything off the table."
Mac's breath hitched, and Jack tightened his hold. "Go on."
"I said I was sorry, and he said I would be. Started hitting me. When he finally stopped, he told me to clean up the mess and go to my room. I didn't deserve any dinner. I wouldn't have taken it out on purpose, I knew I wasn't allowed, I promise, I didn't mean to."
"Kiddo, it's ok. Your father ain't here, no need to be apologising to any of us," Jack said, pulling the kid into his arms, holding him while he cried again.
Riley and Bozer were barely holding it together, neither of them had heard much about the things James had done to Mac, not in any detail. They knew it was bad, had watched the originally recordings and seen reports and pictures. Hearing Mac tell them his father beat him because he touched his beer, it was a lot. They both couldn't even imagine what his father had done to him the whole month he was gone.
Matty and Cage were both aware of the violence that Mac had been subjected to, although this was the first time either of them had heard about it direct from Mac. Cage got up to get a glass of water, bringing it over to Mac. She took a good look at him and had a flashback herself. She had visited him once while he was in medical and things hadn't gone too well.
"Hi Mac, can I come in?" Cage asked, seeing that he was sitting reading a book.
Mac looked up, nodding. Jack had gone to the cafeteria, so he was alone, he wasn't sure what Cage wanted, tensing slightly when she sat down.
"I'm not going to ask how you are, because I know it's a stupid question. I want to let you know that I'm here if you want to talk, about anything."
"What did you want to talk about?" Mac asked, flinching slightly, when he realised he asked a question.
"Whatever you want to talk about," Cage replied, noticing the flinch and raising her eyebrows. "I spoke to your father Mac, he told me a lot of what he did to you."
Mac gasped, she knew what had happened, knew what punishments he'd had to have, knew how bad he'd been. What did she want him to say?
"If you want to talk about it, I'm here to listen."
Mac's breathing started to increase, he started getting agitated, he couldn't look at Cage knowing that she knew what he'd been through. She probably knew everything, how he'd been humiliated by his father, the beatings, electric shocks, how he'd be tortured. How it had got so bad that he'd cried, wet and soiled himself, wishing sometimes that he could just die so the pain would stop.
"Mac, I didn't mean to upset you, can you take some slower breaths," Cage said, touching him gently.
It was like an electric shock, he jumped, pulling away from her, curling himself up so tightly he was hurting himself. Cage shouted for someone, not knowing what to do. Beating herself up, wishing that she'd either waited until Mac was stronger or until Jack had been there. Mac was so bad that the doctor had to sedate him, worried that he'd injure himself. She left, sending a message of apology to Jack, knowing that he'd be mad at her, he just hoped that he'd forgive her sooner rather than later.
Coming back to the present, she watched as Mac took the water, hiding his face back in Jack's chest the second he'd drunk it. She got up and sat back down, content like the others to just sit in silence and be there for a friend.
Mac's mind was going a mile a minute, he was tense yet relaxed, which seemed a bit strange. He was expecting to get pushed away at any minute, for one of the others to tell him to pull it together, to stop being weak. Part of him knew that wouldn't happen, he was safe here, he could feel Bozer's hand on his shoulder, just underneath Jacks, feel Riley's hand on his knee. He knew Matty and Cage weren't far away, slowly he relaxed completely and fell asleep. Waking a while later to soft conversation.
"Hey, sleeping beauty," Jack said, his arm still around his shoulder.
"I'm sorry," Mac said again, pulling away from Jack and getting up, staggering slightly.
Before anyone could stop him he headed inside, needing a minute to himself. He reached the bathroom and locked the door, taking care of his full bladder before looking in the mirror. He sighed, looking back at him was a stranger, he wondered if he'd ever look at himself and see who he was before. He sat down on the closed toilet, trying to decide what he should do. Jack had told him that if it got too much for him, he should go to his room, maybe that was best. That way the others could still enjoy themselves. He thought about it though and realised that they'd all probably be worried, it would be rude to leave. He unlocked the door and walked out, sitting on the sofa, the floor was too hard.
"Hey buddy, you ok?" Jack asked, sitting next to him.
Mac nodded, not knowing what to say, thinking if he spoke he'd probably burst into tears again. The others made their way into the room, gathering around him. There wasn't a lot of room, but they managed it, silence once again filling the space.
"Do you need anything Mac?" Riley asked, sitting beside him, the other side from Jack.
Mac shook his head, his stomach making his hunger known, he smiled slightly.
"I'll get you some pizza," Bozer said, getting up from the kitchen chair, bringing it over a minute later.
"Thanks," Mac said, eating it immediately, he couldn't remember the last time he had pizza.
"Slow down there hoss, it's not going anywhere," Jack said smiling. Glad that Mac was eating, now they just had to get him talking. "So, who wants to watch a movie?"
There was a chorus of yes's and he put Netflix on, soon finding something light-hearted they'd all enjoy. They wouldn't bring up Mac's meltdown or his father again, unless Mac spoke himself, just watching a movie and talking about random things would hopefully be enough. Mac was content to sit there, surrounded by family, he leant into Jack when he started to feel tired again, instinctively drawn to him. Jack once again put his arm around him, settling back against the sofa until they were both comfortable. They stayed that way, until they both fell asleep, their family tidying up and leaving them, Matty locking up with the spare key she had to all the safe houses.
Mac woke up the next morning, disorientated, he was still fully clothed, and he was leaning against something that was moving. He looked over confused and realised that it was Jack. He gasped, getting to his feet, putting some distance between them, remembering what had happened the night before.
"Morning kiddo, you ok?" Jack asked, he'd been awake for a few minutes, trying to decide if he should wake Mac or not.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have fallen asleep," Mac said, shuffling slightly across the room.
"Come here Mac," Jack said, tapping the sofa. Mac looked unsure. "Please."
Mac sat down, if you could call it that, he was practically hanging off the edge of the sofa.
"I don't understand you apologising for falling asleep. You've done nothing wrong kiddo; in fact, I should be apologising to you. I fell asleep too, you could say that it's my fault we didn't sleep in our beds last night."
Mac sighed, he instinctively apologised, he knew he needed to stop, but it was hard. There were times that he'd fallen asleep while with his father and he was slapped awake, he wasn't allowed to sleep unless his father said he could. Falling asleep on the sofa the whole night, that would have been something that would have been forbidden. He knew that it was different with Jack.
"If I was with my father he would have been mad, it was instinct to apologise," Mac said, sliding back slightly.
"Ok bud, I get it. We need to try to get that instinct gone, you're not going to get back to normal if you keep apologising every five minutes. We'll talk to Vanessa, see if she's got any ideas."
Mac nodded, knowing Jack was right. He wished it weren't so hard, he wanted to get back to normal, he hated feeling this way.
"Why don't you jump in the shower and I'll start breakfast," Jack said, getting up and walking to the kitchen.
"Ok, sounds good," Mac replied, heading to the bathroom, praying that the day would go off without a hitch, he wanted to try his hardest to hold his tongue if he felt an apology coming, maybe that was the way to go. Or he could distract himself somehow, he'd think about it while he showered, he knew he could take his time, Jack wouldn't mind at all.
Hours later and Vanessa had arrived, wanting to continue talking to Mac about his progress, she decided to sit and observe him for a while, that and his journal would help her with any plans she already had in place. Jack and Mac were cleaning the small house, wanting it to be neat and tidy for when they left, which Vanessa hoped would be soon. She noticed Mac doing something strange, he had done it a few times and she decided that if he did it again she was going to ask him about it.
Cleaning done they went about making lunch, she heard that it was Mac's turn, but Jack had offered to help, they made enough for her too and she would be glad for some conversation. They all sat down at the kitchen table, making small talk. This was not the time to stress Mac out with observations and questions.
"Mac, I wanted to ask you about something," Vanessa said, once the lunch things had been cleaned away. "Can you come sit down."
"Shall I go?" Jack asked, knowing that Vanessa liked to have it be just of the two of them for her sessions.
"Not just yet Jack, why don't you sit down too."
Mac and Jack sat on the sofa, waiting for Vanessa to speak.
"I few times today I've seen you pinching the skin on your arm, or that's what it looked like you were doing. I'm a bit concerned that you might be hurting yourself."
Jack turned immediately, worried that he'd missed something.
Mac sat quietly, the urge to say sorry strong, he knew Vanessa and Jack would see but he pinched his skin hard, wincing as he did it.
"Mac?" Vanessa asked, at the same time Jack exclaimed. "Mac, what are you doing!"
"I'm stopping myself, saying sorry, I shouldn't be doing it anymore, but I can't help it! If I do this I think about the pain instead of the words," Mac cried, knowing that they were disappointed in him.
"Kiddo, I said we'd talk to Vanessa about that, she must have some ideas you can try that don't hurt you. Why didn't you speak to her?" Jack said, not believing what he was hearing.
Mac shrugged; he didn't want to rely on other people for everything.
"I'm glad you feel like saying sorry all the time is something you need to work on, but like Jack said, I wish you'd talked to me. I can't have you hurting yourself Mac, no matter if the pain doesn't last or there are no visible wounds. I need you to stop and we'll figure out something else that will help."
Mac sighed, he wasn't hurting himself, not really. He could handle a little bit of pain; it was nothing compared to what he'd been through. But Vanessa was there to help, and if she said there was a better way then he should listen. He nodded, sinking into the cushions behind him, he couldn't seem to do anything right.
"You seem upset Mac, do you want to talk about anything?" Vanessa asked, watching his body language.
Mac looked up at her, wondering if he should say anything, she seemed to be genuinely interested. He bit his lip, trying to decide. "I feel like I can't do anything right."
"Why does that bother you?"
"I shouldn't still be this way; I need to get back to normal. It's been ages since I left home and days since I left the hospital, but nothing's changed."
"You're wrong Mac," Vanessa said, watching Jack put his hand on Mac's knee. "You've come a long way from that first day I met you. When you wouldn't come out of the corner or talk to me unless I asked you a question. You don't have to be told to eat anymore; you do a lot of things without seeking permission. Mac, this is a great start, but it's going to take a lot longer for you to get anywhere near normal. I'm sorry if I didn't explain that to you."
Mac thought about what Vanessa was saying, realising that he had come a long way, he was starting to feel more relaxed in the house, knowing that he could do what he wanted, when he wanted. He was already using that new found freedom, unfortunately there wasn't a lot to do in the small place.
Jack was watching his friend, hoping that Mac was listening to Vanessa and would realise how far he'd come. He was watching for any signs that his kid wasn't happy, or for signs of something he could help with. He realised suddenly that he knew what Mac needed.
"You're bored."
"Bored?" Mac questioned, wondering where Jack had come up with the idea.
"You've been sitting around the hospital and the house with nothing to do but read a few books and play a few games with me. You're bored and you don't wanna say anything."
"It would be nice to have something to do," Mac said, ducking his head, he didn't want to ask for too much.
"What do you say doc, is he up for an outing?" Jack asked, turning to Vanessa.
"Where did you have in mind?" Vanessa replied, not having any idea what Jack was planning.
"That's up to Mac, but I figured he'd like some stuff so he could make something, keep his hands busy and his mind occupied."
Mac smiled, he loved the idea, there was so many things he could get. He still chewed his bottom lip, not sure if going out was a good idea, he hadn't been outside properly in over a month, probably leaning towards two. But Jack would be there and maybe Vanessa too, he could do it, or he hoped he could.