Four days later and Mac was much happier, the outing had been interesting, he'd felt very conscious of everyone staring at him, as if they knew what he'd been through. Jack had stayed close and had been patient, especially when Mac couldn't make up his mind what to buy. He remembered a moment clearly, going back to it.
"Kiddo take your time, there's no rush," Jack had said, standing ready with the trolley. "I'm happy with whatever ya choose."
"But it's your money," Mac replied, biting his lip again, it was becoming a habit.
"It is, but that's only cos we haven't sorted yours out yet. You can pay me back if ya want."
Mac's cards and belongings were all still at his house and Jack had decided that they'd wait until they were back there to sort them out. He wasn't even sure if Mac would remember his pin numbers.
Mac nodded, not thinking about that, he would make sure to keep the receipts so he could pay Jack back. Feeling a bit better he looked back at the items on the shelf, jumping slightly by a voice behind him.
"Will you just hurry up already!" A man exclaimed. "Some of us are busy people."
Mac tensed up, the voice was angry, and it was his fault. "I'm sorry."
"Hey, beat it," Jack said, sending daggers at the man who had upset his kid. "I won't ask you again."
The man had taken one look at Jack, in full papa bear mode and turned walking quickly away, Jack smiled and turned back.
"He's gone Mac, it's ok."
Mac was shaking slightly, quickly picking items off the shelf and turning. "Can we go?"
"Hey, he's gone, we can stay longer," Jack said, hoping to calm Mac down.
Mac shook his head, putting some things in the trolley and walking towards the counter. Jack sighed and followed, paying and hurrying to the car, worried Mac was going to have a panic attack.
Mac almost had, but had calmed when they got in the car, they had come straight back to the house and he had immediately begun tinkering with his new toys.
Mac remembered that moment clearly, he'd been ashamed of his reaction when they'd got home and worried that he'd never be able to leave the house again. He had spoken to Vanessa about it the next day after he'd written about it in his journal.
"Mac, I'd like to talk about what happened at the store," Vanessa said, once they'd talked out a few other things.
"I shouldn't have reacted so badly," Mac replied, almost saying he was sorry but biting his tongue before he did.
"It's perfectly normal Mac, that man shouted, and it took you back to your father, there's nothing to feel ashamed about. We just need to work on dealing with something like that happening again in the future."
"I should be able to handle people shouting at me!" Mac exclaimed.
"Look, in normal circumstances I would say that was true. You're a trained agent, capable of a lot of things, I'm sure people shouting at you is an occupational hazard. But these aren't normal circumstances Mac. You've been through a terrible experience and as I've said before it'll take time for things to get back to the way they were. This was the first time you've been out since you got back, I think that considering, you did very well."
Mac had been listening intently throughout Vanessa's speech, nodding a few times. He was shocked that she thought he'd done well, not quite believing it, he'd freaked out and almost had a panic attack. He said exactly that, and Vanessa had replied immediately.
"Almost Mac, you didn't have a panic attack and even though you got scared, you left as soon as you felt the panic coming on. It could have been a lot worse if you'd have stayed, so I think it was a good first outing."
They'd talked some more and arranged another outing for later that week, Vanessa saying that it was best to keep doing more of the things that scared him or made him nervous.
Thinking back Mac realised that the next day was their next planned outing, no one would tell him where they were going, but that it would be helpful to his recovery. He'd been curious and slightly worried, but he knew that Jack and Vanessa wouldn't take him anywhere bad.
The team had come over the night before and Mac smiled at the memory, pleased that he hadn't had any flashbacks or freaked out about anything. They had reminisced about some past missions, Bozer talking about some of the things him and Mac had got up to when they were kids. When the night was through everyone told Mac, they were happy that he was getting back to his old self and he was pleased. He didn't think he was anywhere near back to normal, but he was getting there. He hoped to see everyone again, he loved Jack, but sometimes it was nice to have some other company.
Mac was by himself at that moment, Jack feeling better leaving him by himself for periods of time, he was off active missions but Matty still needed him for the occasional job. Mac was busy with one of his projects, completely engrossed trying to get it exactly right. He was so engrossed that he had forgotten that he'd put the dinner on, he wanted something ready for when Jack got home, knowing he would have had a long day.
A few minutes later and the smoke alarm started to go off, Mac jumped a mile, dropping what he was doing and rushing into the kitchen. He was breathing heavy, his heart racing, there was flames coming from the pan he'd left on the stove.
"Stupid, stupid," Mac was repeating. He put the pan on with some oil and completely forgot about it and it was now on fire.
Panicking that the fire was going to spread Mac wasn't thinking and immediately picked up the handle, he needed to move it away from the oven. The handle was hot but nothing he couldn't take, his mistake was moving it, the oil immediately splashed, getting onto the work surface and his arm. Luckily, Mac didn't drop the pan, as the oil burned his skin. He carried it to a glass board on the side, putting it down.
Jack was getting out of his car when he heard the alarm, he hurried through the front door, noticing the smoke and Mac standing in a daze.
"Mac, what happened?" Jack asked, his voice slightly raised.
Mac flinched instinctively, starting to hyperventilate. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," repeating over and over.
Jack wanted to go to Mac straightaway, but he had to take care of the fire and the alarm first, grabbing a lid he put it over the pan, immediately stopping the flames. He turned of the alarm and opened the windows, letting the smoke escape. He checked the rest of the kitchen to make sure there weren't any other hazards, turning the oven off when he noticed it was still on.
Satisfied that they weren't in anymore danger, he turned his attention to Mac, who had curled himself into a ball against the wall.
"Mac, it's ok hoss, everything's ok," Jack said, approaching carefully. The kid was shaking, and he was still breathing heavily. "I need you to breathe buddy, come on, breathe."
Jack was worried, he could see burns on Mac's arm, realising that the oil must have splashed onto him when the pan was moved, he was also concerned about his mental state. He sat down next to Mac, as close as he dared.
"In and out Mac, I need ya to slow it down. Please buddy, you're scaring me."
Mac was back with his father, the memories overwhelming him, and he couldn't escape. The last time there had been a fire he had been hurt, badly, he'd never seen his father so angry, and even though he knew that he wasn't there, his body and mind wouldn't let him think of anything else.
"I'm sorry, it was an accident," Mac had stuttered as his father came racing into the workshop.
James was livid, dragging Mac away from the fire and pushing him to the floor, he grabbed a fire extinguisher putting it out and opening windows. When his eyes finally rested on Mac there was only anger there and Mac had been scared. He had started breathing fast, his heart racing, knowing that his punishment was going to be severe.
James hadn't spoken, he'd walked over to Mac, grabbing his hair and pulling him up, dragging him from the room. All the while Mac cried, saying he was sorry. He was attached to the ceiling, James ripping his clothes off, until there was none left, he then started to hit him, violently.
After what seemed like hours the beating stopped and Mac had hung, his legs not holding him up, his father had walked away, coming back with a bucket and Mac knew what was coming. Freezing water had been thrown over him, he shivered, already cold. A few seconds later and he'd been blindfolded, and Mac wondered if his father was ever going to speak.
Immediately after being plunged into darkness he felt something press against his side and the electric shock was pushed into his body, he shook, gritting his teeth, knowing that he would scream eventually. He was shocked several times, all over his body, the screams coming after the fourth time. Eventually he passed out.
Mac came to and got back to his feet, his whole body was on fire and he could feel blood running down his wrists, he wondered how long he'd been hanging there. There was now material in his mouth, his father had obviously gagged him, maybe he was tired of the screaming. After a while the door opened, his father was back, Mac wondered whether he was going to hurt him some more.
"You deserved all of that and more Angus, I hope you understand that" James said, his voice harsh. "I let you in my workshop because I know how gifted you are, because of the things we could do together. You will not be allowed to enter that room by yourself again, you will only touch what I let you touch and if you destroy anything else you will never be allowed in there again."
Mac put his head down, he knew that he'd made a mistake, but it had been an accident, he liked working in that room, it kept his mind active and now he was probably going to lose it. He wanted to apologise again but couldn't.
"I hope you've learnt your lesson Angus, I'll let you down now, but you will remain in here until tomorrow. There will be no dinner and no sleep."
Mac started when his father said that, he knew what that meant.
He was let down and pulled over to his corner, his arms reattached to the wall, his gag was taken out so that he could drink, his father letting him have a whole bottle, it was then put back in. He urinated when told, and then a few minutes later he felt a needle in his neck. A stimulant flowing through his veins, the shivering he was feeling because of the cold got worse and he knew that it was going to be a long night.
"I'll be back early in the morning; you will be awake when I return."
"Please buddy, you're scaring me." Mac was pulled from his flashback by those words, that was Jack, he was safe.
Mac looked over at his friend, his breathing slowing down, he was still shaking, and his heart wouldn't stop racing.
"Kiddo, you with me now?" Jack asked, glad that he had finally gotten through.
Mac nodded, "I'm sorry," slipping out again.
"I don't care about that now, all I care bout is you," Jack replied, holding his arms open and hoping Mac would take the hint.
He did, throwing himself at Jack, wincing when the burns on his arm brushed against Jack's shirt. He hid his face in Jack's chest, tears still falling from his eyes.
Jack held him as tight as he dared, running his hand through his hair, whispering assurances in his ear. They stayed that way for a few minutes and then Jack pulled away, needing to check on any injuries he could and couldn't see.
"Buddy I need to check you over."
Mac sighed, he was comfortable, safe and he knew that he would soon be in pain, wishing that he could prevent it. He sat up slowly, showing Jack his arm, the burns were red and painful.
"Ok kiddo we need to run your arm under water," Jack said, helping Mac off the floor and leading him to the sink.
Once that was done, they walked to the living room, Mac sitting on the couch. "I'm just gonna grab the first aid kit." Jack said.
Mac's breath hitched when Jack left the room, knowing that it was silly, but he was still shaking slightly, and he needed Jack close.
"These don't look bad, I'll put some Neosporin on and wrap them up. You hurt anywhere else?"
Mac shook his head, his hands were a little sore, but there was nothing Jack could do.
Jack wrapped Mac's arm, then handed him some painkillers, grabbing some water so he would take them. Once that was done, Jack spoke.
"So, you were making dinner then?"
"I'm sorry, it was my fault, I got distracted," Mac cried, tears falling again.
"Hey kiddo, no need to cry, it's ok," Jack replied, brushing the tears of Mac's cheeks. "Accidents happen."
"But I got distracted."
"Yeah, and kiddo you should have been more careful, but it was still an accident. Unless you meant to cause a fire?"
Mac shook his head, of course he didn't.
"Then don't worry," Jack said, wanting to talk to Mac about his panic attack. "You wanna tell me where you went, when you were on the floor?"
Mac's breath hitched again, almost feeling the pain from the beating he'd taken. "I caused a fire at my father's, James was pissed."
Jack nodded, thinking that was the case, he remembered back when they were at the hospital Mac mentioning being punished for setting a fire in James's workshop.
"This fire caused a flashback?"
"It was bad, I couldn't get out of it," Mac exclaimed, looking at Jack for comfort.
Jack immediately sat next to his kid and pulled him close, careful of the bandages. "You're safe now, nothing's gonna happen. You know you won't get any punishment from me. Don't you?"
"I know," Mac said quietly, even though a part of him thought Jack would be mad.
"Ok good. I'll fix us something quick for dinner in a bit and then I think maybe you should go to bed. You look tired kiddo."
Mac nodded, content for that moment to stay in Jack's arms. The flashback was still with him, he could feel the hits, the pain, the loneliness. It was worse because he hadn't been able to sleep, every little issue had grown as the night went on and that was all Mac could think about. He felt safe with Jack, knowing nothing would happen while he was there.