When Zack was younger, he wanted nothing more than to be a hero. He dreamed of rising above the masses, the best of the best, of saving lives and being friends with the General Sephiroth. He spent his early days play-swordfighting with that one really cool stick he found, saving frogs from predators, saving himself from those same predators when he realized that they were touch-mes, not frogs, and saving his parents' wallet by being brave and opting to ram right back into them instead of wasting money on a maiden's kiss. He helped neighbors with their chores almost free of charge, helped his mom cook dinner and wash the dishes every single night, and made sure to keep a big ole smile on his face for whenever his parents seemed especially stressed.
Underneath his bed, Zack kept a bunch of newspaper clippings (only cut up after his parents got to read it, of course!) of SOLDIER and Sephiroth. Every night before bed, he would take out his favorite of his collection -- it was one of the recruitment ads, encouraging the reader hone their heroic spirit and take the honorable path towards SOLDIER -- and reread it, trying to infuse some of the expressed ideals of SOLDIER into his dreams. To be a hero was his one wish in life; Every shooting star, every wish-bone, every 11:11 and four-leaved clover and luck charm he could find was used to increase his chances of making SOLDIER. If Gongaga had any gods or goddesses, he'd pray to them, too, hoping beyond hope itself that he'd be able to make his dream come true.
The week before his fourteenth birthday, Zack packed up in the middle of the night and left home. He left a note for his parents, of course, but he didn't want to risk them talking him out of it. He had to be at least fourteen to join SOLDIER, and it would probably take at least a week to get to Midgar, so he decided to get a headstart. The journey was equal parts annoying and amazing, but since he preferred optimism, he always thought of it fondly. All the new sights and experiences as he traveled held a place near to his heart. He could still remember when he first arrived at Costa del Sol, the first time he saw the ocean, and how he'd been so awestruck that he almost missed his boat. That had nothing, aboslutely nothing, though, on when he first stepped foot in Midgar. The industrial scene with shiny, steel towers... The ever-smoggy sky, tinted green and dark... The ShinRa building, rising high above the heavens, an ever-present show of strength to the masses...
He freaked. Big time.
The following year was tortuous as Zack put his entire being into training. Cadets were pushed to their limits trying to gain the appropriate muscles and skills to be of use in SOLDIER, and their heads were crammed full of tact and strategy, of materia theory and history. He may or may not have broken curfew a couple dozen times to get in some extra training. He may or may not have been caught so often that, at one point, he stopped being punished, and was just sent back to his dorms with a disappointed - yet resigned - sigh. His book studies were a bit harder, seeing as he had quite a bit of trouble sitting still for long periods of time, but he powered through it. If he snuck in a voice recorder at one point and decided to just relisten to the lessons while excercising later, then, hey, how much trouble could he really get into for studying, huh? His efforts paid off, though, and at the end of the year the SOLDIER test came and went.
He passed top of his class -- scored so high, in fact, that one of the Big Three decided to take him on as a student.
He might've also fainted when he got the news.
Years later, after all the tragedy and heartbreak and betrayal, after the world started changing so dramatically and the veil of innocence was ripped so forcefully from his eyes, Zack still didn't think he'd ever get over the fact that he made SOLDIER.
Granted, it was technically just barely an hour after his first mako injection at the moment, but just a few days ago the world had ended again, so time's lost a bit of meaning to him. He also didn't think he'd ever get used to the injections; You'd think dying and getting sent back in time by the Planet over and over again would let you build up some sort of immunity to the mako, but nope, it's still as painful and sickening as ever. Maybe it's because he's so used to the lifestream that it's so uncomfortable -- maybe his soul is so connected to it that the mako wants to try extra hard to suck it up, seeing as it's technically still supposed to be there. Or maybe it's Aerith's way of telling him not to go jumping into a reactor after Sephiroth again.
Either one is plausable.
The pain and discomfort's more than worth it, though. Even if SOLDIER wasn't his one-and-only dream in life, he'd already tried not joining ShinRa once. It had been after a particularly rough loop, and he, quite frankly, hadn't wanted to see any of the Firsts' stupid faces or he might've just punched them. Besides, he thought, the only enhanced people in Cloud's AVALANCHE group were Cloud himself and that Vincent guy, and they were plenty strong! What could go wrong?
A lot, apparently, as he soon found out. There wasn't much for a random fourteen-year old boy to do in Midgar to make money, and he pretty quickly found himself stuck in the slums. Not even his mental age and memory could make up for the fact that he had no money, no home, no connections, and (more importantly) no weapon. Suffice to say, he died pretty quick (and lamely. To a Hell House.), and it was deemed a pretty crummy loop overall.
So. At the very least, ShinRa was a must. He'd been a Turk a couple of times, but he wasn't really the right type of person to make it far in that profession, and ended up getting "retired" rather early into his Turk careers. All that was left, then, was SOLDIER and the regulation Army... which basically meant SOLDIER was the only way to go.
He did miss his Turk code-name sometimes, though. While he might not have been as strong as a SOLDIER during those runs, his personal training habits still built him like one, so most of the time his code-name ended up being "Tank", seeing as he could take a hell of a hit.
Ah, good times. He'd miss the looks of shock on his targets' faces when they realized their shadow was twice their size with bisceps bigger than their heads. Their reactions would always hold a place near and dear to his heart.
The problem with doing the same thing -- that is, joining SOLDIER -- in every loop is that Zack has to come up with some way to do something else differently. He lost track of how many loops he'd been through sometime after the twentieth, which meant he'd already used up at least twenty plans. His first twenty plans, too, which are usually his best! None of them worked (obviously), though, or he wouldn't still be here. So, now he has to come up with more plans on how to prevent the whole crisis that ends the world. And then even more plans when those ones don't work. And more. And more. And. More.
Zack's not really a strategist. That was Sephiroth's job, or Angeal's. They would come up with the plan, and then Zack would fight who he was told to. That's just how they worked.
He didn't have Sephiroth or Angeal to help him come up with plans, though. He's tried, too! He's tried telling them, but it's almost like it's impossible to try and convince someone you're from the future without sounding crazy, or something. He couldn't exactly 'prove' it, either, because dumping facts from the Jenova Project on them too early always ruined things. He's tried that, too, so he can attest to the validity of that.
So.
No Sephiroth, and no Angeal. It used to make him feel pretty lonely, having to do things by himself, but at this point he's far past "angsty and emo about this" and smack middle in the whole "pretty fucking tired of this" territory. Because, to be fair, he's pretty fucking tired of this. His plans suck. The people he love keep dying and betraying each other. The world keeps ending. Same old, same old, yadda yadda yadda. Let it be known that even Zack Fair can, in fact, get tired of things.
This sometimes led to some plans that were used not because he genuinely thought it was a good plan, but because he thought it would be fucking hilarious. He's allowed to have fun! He's Zack Fair! If he doesn't have some sort of comedic relief in his life he might just combust into flames! One of these "plans" was the one where he decided not to kill anyone, and instead, just cast Frog Song on them. Frogging Genesis right in the middle of one of his monologues was, he decided, quite possible the best thing he'd ever done in his entire life. Sadly, he'd laughed so hard for so long that a Wutaian ninja had gotten the drop on him. Totally worth it, though.
He might try that again, actually.
Other than those particularly memorable loops, though, Zack found himself running into a bit of a problem. Namely, he had a shit memory even before the whole time loop business started, and now he's having trouble remembering which plans he'd already used and which ones he hadn't yet. Which led to him doing the same damn thing over and over again sometimes, only realizing that he'd done it before when it was too late. Safe to say, it was pretty damn irritating. For a while, he tried writing down all the loops he could remember right after waking up, but that had its downsides. Those downsides were called roommates and Turks, because apparently everyone wants to know about Zack Fair's personal life, and end up reading it and thinking he's fucking crazy. It also wasn't guaranteed that he'd write down everything right off the bat, because, hey, shit memory! So, there were still times he ended up repeating loops.
And then, he made a discovery. Should he have realized it sooner? Yes. Did he only realize it after Angeal accidently walked in on him changing clothes and freaked out? Also yes. Did he also freak out upon realizing it and ended up ruining that particular loop? Totally.
His scars carried over.
This was equal parts horrifying and kind of cool. Horrifying because, holy hell, how was he gonna explain these? Some of these killed him, anyone with eyes could tell, for Shiva's sake his first death was him being gunned down! Cool because, aw hell yeah, scars! Even when he's a weak little noodle-armed boy, he still looked almost like the seasoned SOLDIER he was! They had to stay hidden, of course, because he should not have any of these scars, but still. Pretty cool.
Then, an idea struck. It wasn't a good idea. In fact, it was an awful idea, and he felt like human garbage immediately after thinking it up. It was horrible, nightmarish, dishonorable, and a very bad idea all-around. But.
It worked.
See, while Zack might not've been able to tell you which loop he got each and every scar from, he very much could tell you about the fights he got them from. SOLDIERS don't scar easily; If a SOLDIER walked away from a fight with a scar to show, then it must've been one hell of a fight. So, despite him having so many, you could point at a scar and he could tell you each and every step he took in the fight that gave it to him. It was practically ingrained. Fighting was a SOLDIER's life, and if they couldn't remember their fights, how the hell are they going to improve? So, he could very much remember the things that give him scars, if not when he actually got it.
So, he might have started...giving himself scars on purpose. To help him remember. Horrible, right? He himself hated it when he first started, but it's not like he had any better ideas. He knew it was wrong, but...He had to find a way to keep track. The Planet was a stake! His friends were at stake! And if he has to cut up and burn his arms to find a way to save the day, then so be it! In the grand scheme of things, it really wasn't that big of a sacrifice, especially compared to people like Cloud, who gave up so fucking much to try and win.
He got used to it. After a point, he was conviced it wasn't so bad, because, well, it did help him remember. Scarily well, actually. Just like his battle scars, you could point to a mark on his arms and he could tell you, "Oh, yeah, that's the one where I burned myself to remember the loop with the dragon," or "Heh, that was the time I thought getting Gen and Seph to hook up would work." Angeal would be disappointed, but Angeal also killed himself eight loops out of ten, so he couldn't talk. Hiding them was a bit of a problem, but Zack decided to simply use what he called the Kunsel Method: That is, if he joined the program wearing long sleeves, trained in long sleeves, slept in long sleeves, and practically lived in long sleeves, then people would grow used to and expect to see him in long sleeves, and he could probably get away with wearing long sleeves under his SOLDIER uniform. Surprisingly, it worked. Most of the time, anyway. The few times it didn't work, all he had to do was tug at Lazard's heartstrings to let him wear it, and then it was fine. Problem solved!
He found that the best time to mark himself was after he was getting his mako injections; He was usually left alone to his misery, as were most new Thirds, and so had plenty of privacy for him to act in. It took a lot of effort for his little pocket-knife to actually leave a scar, though, what with the new mako in his system, and so he concentrated on the cutting motion and his internal chant of "This is the one where I became a Raven. This is the one where I became a Raven," because he had became a Raven in the last loop, and absolutely did not want to repeat it.
He didn't expect for Genesis to walk in.
"What the hell are you doing?!"
That ever-familiar voice broke him out of his concentration. He froze, knife in hand, blood dripping down his arm. The wound began to itch, signifying that the mako was starting to heal it, and he bit his lip. He doesn't think it's been open long enough to leave a scar, so if he let it close now he'd have to start all over later. Still, though, it's not like he could just continue cutting right in front of him.
When did the door open, anyway? He should've heard the beep of the cardreader, or at least notice when light poured in from the hallway. At the very least, he probably should've been doing this in the bathroom or something. It would probably be easier to clean up if he got all bloody in the bathtub, but then again, just walking back to his room from the science department made him feel like his skeleton was trying to hatch from his body, and he's not sure if the mako's settled enough for him to reach the bathroom without throwing up. Besides, the bed was so much more comfortable than the old cadet mattresses he was using just yesterday, and after that last loop he really thinks he deserved a bit of comfort. Being a Raven really sucked.
Something touched his shoulder, and he jumped. Oops. Zoned out too long. He turned his head slightly, and was surprised to find Genesis wearing a concerned expression. The furthest he's ever gotten with Genesis in any loop was tolerated, and yet, here the man was concerned for him with no effort on his part. The hell?
"Are you Zack Fair?" Genesis asked, gently. Zack nodded dumbly, still a bit confused. His eyes widened minutely, and he reached into a pocket on his coat. He took out a materia, and before Zack could question him, was casting Cure on him. Which, while not exactly rude, because Zack would've done the same thing in his shoes, was still pretty annoying, seeing as it didn't leave a scar. He didn't say anything, though, and instead just watched in confusion as Genesis reached back into his coat. He took out what looked like a handkerchief, and, grabbing his arm, began gently wiping away the blood.
Zack immediately protested. That was a pure white handkerchief, and if it belonged to Genesis then it probably costed more than his whole salary! "H-hey, you don't have to --!" He started, and tried to pull his arm away. Genesis only tightened his grip, and silenced him with a look. The cloth felt weird against his skin, the mako making it seem as though he could feel every individual thread rub against his skin. He squirmed, unused to such prolonged silence or gentleness in Genesis's company. Soon enough, his arm was cleaned, and the once pristine handkerchief was stained red. Still, though, Genesis did not let go. His eyes trailed the many scars dotting Zack's arms, face unreadable.
All things considered, Zack was pretty uncomfortable. This was so out of character from his normal interactions with Genesis, and what with the mako still tingling inside his veins, he really wanted to be left alone to suffer his mental breakdown over whatever the hell Genesis was doing in peace. "Uh, sir..?" He said just to break the silence.
Genesis blinked in surprise, and shook his head. Trance broken, he stood back up and tucked the bloody handkerchief back into his coat. He fixed Zack with a firm stare, expression unreadable, and Zack fought the urge to look away and fidget. (Has he mentioned how weirded out he was? Because he was seriously weirded out right now.) Then, seeming to have come to a decision, the Commander nodded sharply and turned to leave. He paused for just a moment, called out over his shoulder, "Make sure to get some rest tonight, soldier. You'll need it." and then was gone. The door closed with a click and left Zack sitting, dumbfounded, on his bed. No scar, no knife (and when the hell was that taken away?), and no goddamn clue what just happened.
Why was Genesis looking for him? Why was he so concerned? What the hell did he decide just before he left? What was with that cryptic oneliner?! Zack had a super bad feeling about this.
"What the fuck." He whispered to the empty room. "What the actual fuck."
Zack did not, in fact, get any rest that night. Newly inducted Thirds never get a good night's sleep the day of their mako injections. It was just impossible. And even if he wasn't pumped full of lifestream (a thought he still had to get used to, seeing as he used to be in that very same stream), Zack didn't think he'd have gotten any sleep. He was too busy worrying about Genesis's health. The First had seriously been out of character, and honestly, it was a bit scary. Had the degradation started early? Is that why he was acting so weird? That was so unfair! Seriously, Jenova, what the heck?
Now, Zack may not exactly like Genesis, but that didn't mean he wanted to subject the poor guy to degradation, especially any earlier than normal. The guy was an asshole, but he wasn't enough of an asshole to warrant a slow, painful death like that. Especially considering his degradation kickstarts everything else, but that was beside the point.
Thirds were all given the week off after their mako injections to let them get used to their enhancements, a fact that Zack was thankful for seeing as he needed to get a new blade to scar himself with ASAP. He wasn't normally quite this insistent on his 'habit', but, by Minerva, he did not want to be a Raven again. Never. Again.
So, understand his irritation when he recieved orders to head to one of the training rooms at 0700 the next morning. What was wrong with these people? He could break three doorways on the walk there alone, or worse! (He knew exactly what was wrong with them, but that as beside the point.) Needless to say, he was not a happy camper.
He was an even unhappier camper when he entered the training room to find Genesis goddamn Rhapsodos standing in the middle of the room, reading.
This was so fucking weird. What the hell was going on? Seriously, why was Genesis here? Was he in trouble? He was so confused. So, so confused.
Minutes passed and still Genesis had yet to look up from his book. Not surprising, and the normalcy of his LOVELESS obsession (if you could call that normal) served to help soothe some of Zack's nerves. 'This is fine,' he thought,' nothing wrong here. Yup, ab-so-lutely nothing. Totally normal day...yeah, right. What a load of chocobo shit. Aerith would be having a field day.'
One of the more annoying things about having to start his SOLDIER career over is that he's yet to establish his reputation as energetic and excitable, and therefore, could not yet get away with fidgeting during long waiting times. He could not do squats to pass the time, and considering his current company, probably couldn't even get away with rocking on his feet. All-in-all, he was bored to tears and getting stiff from standing at attention for so long, and for once in his life was grateful when Genesis put his book down and addressed him.
"SOLDIER Third Class Zachary Fair." He addressed, looking him over. Zack couldn't quite hide his wince. Gods above, he went by his nickname for a reason, people! Sheesh! Genesis smirked, probably having anticipated that reaction, and Zack did not glare, thank-you-very-much. Genesis chuckled. He spread out his arms in a welcoming position, gave a deep bow, and said, "Congratulations, young Fair."
Zack didn't quite know how to respond, so he shuffled his feet and let out an awkward "Thank you, uh...sir?" that had even him embarrassed. He was supposed to be smoother than a hot knife through butter, but this loop was really throwing him off his rhythm. More specifically, this loop's Genesis was messing with his head.
Genesis raised an amused brow at him. Straightening back up, he asked, "You have no idea what this is, do you?"
Zack grinned, opened his mouth, and cheerfully replied, "Not even a little bit!"
Genesis was having visible trouble stifling his laughter at that. "Infinite in mystery is the gift of the goddess..." He shook his head, sighing, and walked in front of him. Clapping a hand on his shoulder, he smirked and said, "You, Zack Fair, have recieved a mentor. Quite an honor, if I do say so myself."
"Cool!" Zack cheered. He already knew that, but he didn't want to make himself seem conceited by visibly expecting it. Just one problem though..."...So, uh, who is it? Sir."
Genesis's smirk sharpened. Zack paled. Oh no...
"Why, me, of course."
"What the fuck?"
Genesis laughed outright at that, loud and musical. Zack blushed heavily in mortification, and he laughed even harder at his expression. He didn't mean to say that out loud. There were so many other, more intelligable responses, but of course he had to go with the first thing that popped to mind. Not that it was entirely uncalled for. Because, seriously, what! The! Fuck! What the fuck! Genesis was still laughing, too, to add insult to injury. Tears were prickling at the corners of his eyes, which Zack really didn't appreciate. He was in the middle of a crisis, thank you very much!
Finally, after far too long, his laughs tapered off. With a deep sigh, he wiped the tears from his eyes, and smiled down at Zack. "I think I'm going to like you, Fair."
'Doubt. Doubtdoubtdoubtdoubtdoubt. Hell no you won't.This is gonna crash harder than the Sector 7 plate.'
Zack did not voice his thoughts this time, thankfully. He forced a smile against the disappointment and anger at not having Angeal this time around, and said in the brightest, most enthusiastic tone he could muster, "Lookin' forward to working with you, sir!"
What. A. Mess.