Falling Down
Chapter 2
Every parent finds themselves truly frightened with concern for their child, Richard Castle was no exception. He and his daughter would get separated while shopping or she'd rush too far ahead when he'd taught her to ride her bicycle. It was the same feeling, loss of control. And the painful realization that you could not keep them always safe. One minute the child is with you, the next minute they're beyond your reach. And here it was, like deja vu. But this time it was not Alexis, but Kate Beckett.
They were talking, and then she just slipped away. She was there, but she wasn't. Her eyes closed, her face turned to a scowl, her skin paled. He didn't know what had happened to his brass-knuckled detective. Her hands were at the top of her t-shirt, like she was trying to pull at it. After what seemed like forever, he heard her speak and watched her color return.
When he asked if she was OK, she only mumbled and reached across the table and pulled his hand to her.
He had found the first telling of his problem harder than he imagined. Hearings his words through her ears, had drained his energy. But then watching Kate had scared him. It pushed his apprehensions aside and his adrenaline surged. He did not dare move. She held on and then after a few beats, the emerald eyes, shining with emotion, stared up at him.
Just above a whisper he spoke, "I'm sorry for upsetting you..."
She turned her head away and looked out the window, letting go of his hand and letting them settle in her lap. The sun was bright and warmed her, but this news so heavy. His voice broke her the haze she struggled against.
"Kate I'm sorry…" He stopped and tried again. "I didn't want to burden you with this...I...I just needed to talk..."
With his words she drew in another long breath, "There's nothing for you to be sorry for…it just has to be wrong!" Her tone defiant.
They sat in quiet as the waiter arrived with coffee. She sat up straight, scooting the cup toward herself, then ran her finger around the rim. She felt his stare and looked up. His face was neither happy or sad, it reflected his concern for her.
"What have they told you?"
"Do you mean what? Or, how long?"
Her head dropped at the question, then up slowly up again. Another wave of emotion rolled over her, a new errant tear appeared. She gave up trying to speak, and just nodded.
He could not look at her, but instead he spoke to the window, "Eighteen months to three years."
He heard her draw in a breath.
"Kate." She had placed her hand over her eyes.
"Ah Castle, no."
"Kate. There was no easy way to tell you this...but I needed to tell someone'"
"Castle?"
He ran his hand through his hair, "That's what I was trying to do this week."
It took her a few seconds, she had been stuck on the words, 'to tell someone', said, "Wait! You haven't told your Mom or Alexis?"
"No," emphatically and shaking his head, "Not yet."
"Why not?" Starring wide eyed at him, "and why are telling me?"
He smiled weakly, "Beckett you're the only person I could tell..." He stared at her and she looked down at the table. "You're the only person in this world, besides them, that I trust to tell." He paused again, taking a deep breath, "My mother and daughter are... too emotionally involved. I need an objective thinker…I need you, someone not all bound up in me."
She shook her head, "Not sure you'll be getting much help from from me."
He laughed for the first time. Smiled at her, "I need a friend, not someone who loves me as a father or a son."
With that she again put her head in her hands, then spoke softly, "You make it sound like I'm some sort of ogre." She looked up at him, "Not sure I'm too objective on this one Castle."
"Beckett honestly, asking you for help was not to upset you, I just need your advice." he paused, "and I know, I can trust you."
She remained silent for a spell, then spoke tentatively, "What kind of advice Castle?" Her voice weary, the words slow.
"First, don't get mad, just listen."
She looked up, her face inquisitive, "Why would I be mad at you?"
He thought it won't take long to answer that, but he needed to ask the questions, whether she liked them or not. "I have to make a decision...between treating and not treating...I want you to help me decide."
With the question she sat up straight, he could see the by the look, it was coming, awareness of what he had asked was furrowing her brow, then the sudden jolt of anger, "You gotta be kidding me...I-can-not-do-that." Her voice reflecting the incredulity of the question.
He ignored her, "I don't have much time Beckett. I need to decide between quality and quantity." It was his turn to for anger, his voice increasing in volume, "I don't want to be hooked up to life support. On chemo to stay around for one more day." He waived his hand at the window, "I want to be out there. I want to live, really live in the days I have left."
She leaned back hard against her chair, shaking her head, "I'm sorry Castle. I already know the answer. I can only vote quantity. I want you here with us." Her delivery emphatic. "I can't make any decision that would shorten your days."
"Beckett. I expected you to say that. You're my partner, but I need the cop in you to help me here. Push aside the emotions and be Detective Beckett."
"What's the cop in me have to do with this?"
"I need your ability to focus, your coolness under pressure," he paused, "I'm feeling a little stressed."
She turned her palms up and leaned towards him, "A little stressed here?" She looked like anything but cool under pressure, "Well I'm not feeling that...I'm feeling a lot of stress. In fact, I think I'd feel better if I could just hit something."
He laughed, "Please don't hit me. I'm too tired. I didn't sleep that well last night or..."
She followed him in laughter, "I'm not talking about hitting you Castle. I just think a good work out on the punching bag might really help me."
He smiled, but immediately turned serious, "What I'm asking, is for you to take a few minutes this week-end. Read what I have, look up the condition and treatment options. If we could talk on Monday...see what you think."
She shook her head, "Castle, you need to discuss this with your family. Not me!"
"Kate" His tone was firm, he'd been using her first name a lot, "You are a close as family to me. I trust you, I don't want to do this with Mom or Alexis. I know what they'd say. I need someone who can be an objective friend."
"Castle I am not objective about this...I hate this already!" A tear escaped and she was silent for a few beats. "I don't want to decide on the number of months or years you get to live...I don't want you to go anywhere."
She looked at the window, and spoke softy, "I thought we had so much time."
He reached over and grabbed her hand, "Partner! Come on, I need you on this."
She pushed his hand away, "No Castle! I don't want to part of that decision...I can't...I won't."
She was silent again. He spoke softly, "Let me tell you what my oncologist told me." She didn't look up at him.
"As you read, I have stage III liver cancer, there's not a lot of treatment, but there's some push back we can do. There are some things when complications arise, but its mostly medication. The problem with the meds are the side effects. Since they're short on time and want to stop the disease, they need the strongest dosages, without..."
"What are you asking me then?"
For a moment he turned his attention out the window, then back to her, "If I do nothing, and forego all the miserable side effects, just let it run...it wont be long."
She stood and swept up her purse, her position stiff, "We need to leave, go somewhere else. I can't sit anymore...have to move."
XX
They waited at the curb for only a few minutes. She rocked from foot to foot like she was cold. But it wasn't cold at all. When the cab arrived, he opened the door and she slid in. He gave the driver the address.
The loft was painfully still to her. Martha and Alexis were both busy until later in the day.
He started to make coffee as she sat in silence on a counter stool. After the coffee ran through the Melitta, he doctored it for her and slid the cup in front of her.
She held it up and took a small sip, "Good Castle. Really good."
He smiled and walked around to stand behind her. Although out of character for them, he gently placed his hand on her shoulders. She seemed frail and shaken to him, "Beckett, I've taken enough of your day...laid a lot of heavy things on you, and..."
She immediately stood and turned into him. Wrapping her arms around his waist. He could feel her relax against him, he liked her there.
After a minute or so she stood up straight, he moved backed and she returned to the stool. He was saddened by the separation, but worse was the ache over the greater loss. Such was the life he could never have with this woman. Time had run out and he would not be able to hold her, except in these brief moments of shared sorrow. He had dreamed of much more, but that dream, would never become reality.
He heard her speak, and focused, "Can I ask Lanie?"
The request surprised him, but only for a second. He had asked for help, she would have her own ideas. "I have one concern. And it might seem calculated...but I have to think about the future." He paused before going on, "The next Nikki Heat book will be coming out soon. I want to avoid any publicity on this...this illness, it could affect what I leave for them." He silently added, "And you."
"I will tell her that. She's a doctor she understands patient confidentiality."
"I'm not her patient."
"You know what I mean."
"OK, but only Lanie. Please Kate."
XX
He walked her down and asked the doorman to call a cab, she declined, telling him she'd preferred walking. She'd grab the subway when she got tired. She needed time to process things.
He walked a block or so, she clung to his arm.
He smiled, "Careful out here in public Beckett, someone might get the wrong impression." Followed by a small laugh.
She huffed, "I don't care what anyone thinks."
They said good-bye and she walked in the direction of her apartment.
XX
She was alone and felt like she was walking in sand. Her feet were heavy and she struggled with an urgency to turn and run back to the loft.
She noticed by the third long block that she was moving faster. The ground felt firmer. She could breath. It was like walking out of a dark tunnel into the light.
After a few more blocks, she escaped the busy sidewalk and stepped into a small alcove. She leaned back against the cool wall. She could not remember being so upset. For a moment she hoped it was a dream, that she'd wake up and it would all be gone.
She pulled her phone out and called Lanie. Her friend answered on the third ring, "Hey girl, what's up."
"Lanie, do you have a few minutes this afternoon, I need to ask you something."
"You sound strange Sweetie, are you OK?"
"I just need some advice." was all she could offer.
"Sure, how about an hour, your place?
"That would be good. See you then."
XX
When the ME arrived the door was not fully closed. She knocked and stuck her head inside. She could see Beckett sitting on her sofa, her head on a pillow that sat on her knees. She could tell she was still crying.
She knelt down beside her, "Kate, what's wrong?"
She looked up and handed the ME the crumbled note. She unfolded it and skimmed, words like, Castle, cancer, stage III.
Lanie sat beside her, wrapped her arms around her and whispered, "Girl…. I'm so sorry."
XX
She sat for almost an hour after Lanie's departure. She didn't really know what she felt or thought. She was simply spacing, letting thoughts tumble and fall as they chose. She couldn't remember anything specific. She thought of it as the eye of storm, an eerie silence with the knowledge that more was to come.
The sound of her phone ringing broke the silence. On the screen she saw her dad's number flash. She swiped the answer icon, "Dad, twice in one day. You OK?"
"I'm fine Katie, but you had me concerned over your partner."
She felt the constriction in her throat, immediate and strong. She remained silent.
"Katie? You there, can you hear me?"
Yeah Dad, I'm here." But her words stuck in her throat, after another deep breath, her voice cracked, "He has cancer...it's not good."
His heart sank with the news. This was last thing he wanted was for his daughter to endure. He knew that Richard Castle was much more to her than she would admit or maybe even knew. He didn't want her to lose that friendship, she'd seen enough loss. The taking of Johanna had undone both of them. He wanted life to leave his little girl in peace. But that wasn't going to happen. Her voice told the story. "I'm so sorry my love." He paused, letting the words have their own space. "I know you guys have a special relationship...which makes such news even more painful."
He waited for her for nearly a minute, he could hear her labored breathing, "If there is anything I can do, for either of you, let me know."
In a voice just above a whisper he heard, "Thanks Dad...and Dad, no one can know."
XX
Beckett's reaction had surprised him, he'd briefly forgotten his problems over concern for her, but now the exhaustion had returned. They were good friends and she had reacted as a friend would, but it hard for him to watch her take it in. And there was more.
He loved her, but would never tell her. Their friendship meant far too much to him. He would do nothing to upset the balance. He was thankful she was with him in this, as partner and a friend. In this, he was a happy man.
He'd allowed her to tell Lanie. The ME could help her bear the burden, but also offer insight. More objectivity. He mused, there might not be much insight to be had medically, the cancer was working hard at kicking his butt. Still she and Beckett's would be provide another side in the decision process.
After the first two Nikki Heat books were published, and became best sellers, he'd wanted to share his financial success with her. She flatly refused. He tried to buy her a car, which she made him return. He offered to buy her jewelry, anything she wanted. It was always the same, a firm, "No Castle."
After one their many near misses with death, he asked if she would watch over Alexis, if something happen to him. She agreed, but insisted nothing like that would ever happened. He'd let her know that he was setting up accounts for Alexis, just in case. He hoped she would help guide his daughter with her financial needs. Castle brought forms for her to sign and showed her the accounts in his and Alexis' name. But he had not been completely forth coming, one of the accounts was a POD, pay on death, for Richard Castle and Katherine Beckett. His attorney had drafted it all into his will. It would take care of his muse and friend. This was not a way of acting like an unknown benefactor, lavishing a stranger with wealth. He firmly believed that except for his meeting and working with Beckett, there would never have been a Nikki Heat. There was no question, the Heat series had been his most successful writing endeavor. It all flowed from the Twelfth and his time working with her. While she would not be happy about the money. He knew, he would not be near as rich but for her. As far as he was concerned, she could give the money away. Still in his mind, it was rightfully hers.
On Sunday morning at 10:30, his phone chimed with a text: Can I come by to talk about some things, when you're alone? KB
He fired back a message, Sure, Mom and Alexis are going to a Sunday Matinee, it starts at 2:00, they're leaving at 1:15. You pick the time.
See you at 1:30 Thx
XX
At 1:15, there was a knock at his front door, He figured it must be a neighbor since Sunday's were usually pretty quiet. He pulled open the door there stood Beckett with an impatient leer on her face. She dressed in a baggy sweat shirt, jeans and tennis shoes and a large bag was slung over her shoulder.
"Detective, you lost?"
Still leering, she stepped past him, "Got any coffee Castle?"
"Good afternoon to you, didn't sleep well?" He teased, "Little cranky?"
"Actually this is the second day of the worse weekend of my life, thanks to you." Without further pause she headed for the kitchen, but kept talking, "Seems a friend of mine decided to tell me…." she stopped, with her hand over her mouth and turned to face him, quietly, "Are your Mom and Alexis gone?"
He pointed up stairs and then put his finger on his watch, and held up five fingers. "They'll be out the door in a flash."
With her voice still low, "So this friend tells me they have cancer and that they're not going to treat," She pauses and shakes her head, "Some BS about quality over quantity."
He smiled at her, "I take this brief preamble to mean that you have some...shall we say, strong opinions on the subject of quality, etcetera?"
"This person asked for my help...for my opinion...Yeah! I have an opinion. But first I need some coffee."
Before they said another word, Alexis and Martha rumbled down the stairs.
"Katherine?" followed by, "Detective Beckett." Then a collision with Castles mother for a Broadway hug and a feigned buss. Before Martha could get out a word, Alexis spoke, "Detective Beckett what brings you by on a Sunday?" Pointing at her dad, "Don't you get enough of him during the week?"
Beckett laughed, "Oh, you have no idea," offering a shake of her head to Castle for effect, "But I need to pick his brain."
A flurry of good-byes and the front door slammed shut. "And that's why you show up 20 minutes late. Still want coffee, o' cranky one."
"Yeah, and I'm not cranky! I'm angry."
He hadn't laughed much lately, but she was so amusing when she was mad. It just made him smile. She continued to huff around the kitchen while he worked on coffee. If she had been one of his wives, he'd say she was looking of a fight. Her speech was short, disagreeable and punctuated. He liked it. She calmed after he provided her with two cups of caffeine. Coffee was clearly her friend, and his.
After the caffeination had dulled the edges of the shark's teeth, he ventured a question, "So, tell me what Lanie had to say."
"First tell me again, why you asked me to..."
"Because I hope you considered me a friend, and would help."
"Bachelor number six needs a friend? Really Castle." Teasing him.
"I'll take friend number six."
"You flatter yourself. What makes you think you're that high on my list of friends?"
His faced turned serious, "I'll take simply being on the list."
She hated him this way. She wanted to banter, to fight with him, but his exhaustion apparently lurked just below the surface. She looked at him and saw only an honest face. She felt a stab of guilt. "Don't go sensitive on me, just giving you grief, you might even make number five, if you you're lucky."
He smiled, "More coffee?
"One more cup...but before I float away," she paused, "can we sit in the office."
"Of course. You go, I'll grab it...if you need the bathroom, just go through to mine."
He poured each another cup, wiped the counter and headed to the office. She wasn't there, so he sat down at his computer and worked a bit. He really wanted to finish this book in progress, number four in the series. He had it mapped out on paper, and percolating in his head. He just needed to get it down. Then the dreaded editing process would begin. It was always much harder than the writing. Someone had told him, anyone can write, but only the famous edit.
She stood and looked at herself in his mirror. She looked around, what was she doing in his bedroom? His bathroom? She ignored the prying questions. After washing her hands she looked up and spoke, "Because I need to be here."
He heard her slip onto the sofa, coiling her legs under herself. He was mid paragraph and didn't stop, wanting to complete the thought. When he finished and looked up, her eyes were wide and glassy. "Are you OK?"
"Sure, just realized I had never watched you work before...wasn't sure you knew I was even in the room." She silence for a few beats, he waited, "Wished you'd let me see this before..."
He laughed, "Beckett, have I ever excluded you from any part of my life?"
"No but this," she waved a hand at him, "this is different."
"What's different?
"Just having coffee on Sunday, with you working."
"You didn't come by to watch me work."
"No, but a nice by-product of my drive-by visit."
He wanted to hear what she had to say and decided to wait, let the quiet do its work.
"You asked what Lanie thought? Well, first she cried," Beckett shook her head pushing back the wave of emotion, "Which is something for a cold hearted ME. Your friends don't like you sick."
Not only had he been tired, but he was emotionally in constant flux. He didn't like the roller coaster ride. When she added the commentary, your friends don't like you sick, it make his chest tighten. He wished it was just, Shame on him for getting sick? Yeah right, he didn't wear his coat on a rainy day? Got a cold and liver cancer? He didn't like this either.
"Castle, did I lose you?"
"No. That...that was kind of her. I don't like this much either."
She paused, sensing the second wave, not wanting it to knock her down, "We talked about possible treatments, the side-effect...prognosis."
"And?"
She sighed, "I don't feel comfortable weighing into this stuff, I...I feel intrusive."
He beamed at her, "Beckett I invited you into this...I trust you...and I need your clear head."
"What's makes you think my head is any clearer than yours."
"Cause you're not the one dying here." From the look on her face he knew the words were a mistake. It looked like he had struck her. Which was not his intent. He needed her help, needed her wits, "I'm sorry...I should not be flippant. I keep hoping it will be less scary if I make light of it," He took a deep breath, "Based on your expression...it's not working."
"This is very hard for me Castle. I want to be strong for you, so we can get through this thing, but as I've thought about it...I mostly want to just cry. I don't want this for you. Don't even want to have this conversation."
He moved to the edge of the chair, leaned forward, putting his elbows on his knees. "I know...I know." He was silent of a few moments, "But you help...and when you say, we, it gives me hope." He looked away. His eyes now clear. "OK, enough of that, tell me what Lanie thought."
XX
At five PM the red heads returned. Castle was sitting on the sofa with his lap top, typing away. They were laughing and he held his index finger to his lips, signaling for them to be quiet. They each covered their mouths.
Alexis tip toed over and whispered, "Why are we being quiet?"
He pointed over his shoulder, "Beckett's asleep on the office sofa."
"Oh, sorry. We had no ideas she was still here. "
He got up and walked to the kitchen. The three stood around the island. He spoke softly but not in a whisper, "She's had a few hard days at work, I guess she's just tired."
He noticed his mothers eyes started to something behind him, and then the voice behind him said, "Really Castle...few hard days at work?"
Alexis and Martha both laughed. Castle spun, "Beckett, thought you were asleep?"
She glared and turned to Alexis, "Have you ever wanted to beat your Father?"
Alexis let out a whoop, "Oh yeah. If that's the problem, you have to get in line." The woman all laughed. Castle just shook his head, in mock disgust. In truth he could not have been happier surrounded by his three favorite people in the world. Life had wonderful small graces, and he relished in them.
After the woman when upstairs to change Beckett said she needed to get home. At the door, he helped with her coat. "There's something I wanted to ask you...but not today, I think you've had enough."
"Why hold back now?"
He smiled and shook his head, "Kate, thank you for coming by. You are always welcome in my house." What he really thought was, Kate, don't ever leave.
"Just keeping my partner in line. See you tomorrow?"
"Yep, doctor at 9:30, so I'll be a little late."
"Take notes. I'll be testing you later."
He smiled at her admonition, "Tomorrow Detective."
AN: A big thank you to all the readers, followers and reviewers. It is an great encouragement to hear from each of you. I hope you continue to enjoy the ride.