Falling Down
Chapter 3
When it was all said and done, they had settled on using the most effective path. Which meant, it would be up to Dr. Plentes and his associates to chart the course of treatment. Beckett had prevailed, he would not opt out of treatment and simply hope for the best. For his mother, his daughter and for those at the Twelfth, he would he fight the good fight.
He knew that 'fighting for the Twelfth' was mostly code. What it meant was fighting for her. But she would not ask for herself. Over the years he'd always had a pretty good read on his partner and now, he was just happy to have her along. If she could not ask, he would give her what she wanted anyway. He would take on this fight for her.
As he considered their long day of conversation, the ups, the downs, his phone chirped. Alexis had come down stairs and was sitting next to him. He didn't immediately reach over to pick up.
"Dad, who's that on your phone?"
He sat up and grabbed it, and laughed, "It's Beckett."
"Why? She just left...she was here for what, eight hours?"
"She's just giving me grief." He looked down at his phone and smiled, You asked for help. I agreed. But I have some conditions.
He stood and headed for his study, "I'll be right back Pumpkin."
"Dad!" Castle stopped and turned to face his daughter, "What is going on with you two?"
"Just some stuff, just work." He hated to hold back with his daughter. She would know soon, very soon, but he wasn't up to explaining it all yet.
Beckett answered, "I almost forgot something."
He laughed, "Conditions Beckett, really? How does asking you for help turn into a negotiation with you?"
"Just listen Castle. I want you to promise..."
Ten minutes later he returned to the sofa.
Without looking up, "Dad, are you and Detective Beckett a thing?"
"Yes Alexis, we're partners. We cover each other."
"Really Dad?" her disbelief not hidden at all, "Partners don't spend weekends at each others homes."
"This was just an unusual weekend. She had some stuff come up, and wanted to talk me."
She shook her head, then with sarcasm dripping, "Yeah I see that, a lot."
He thought, enough of that, time to move on, "How about I make us snacks?"
His daughter batted a big smile and jumped up, "Oh yeah, I'll help."
They headed for the kitchen.
XX
The fun of Sunday. The day with Beckett, along with her demand to be updated immediately, now seemed years away as he entered the cancer clinic. He was led into the doctors office, instead of an exam room. The nurse promised the doctor would be with him shortly.
As he sat in the quiet, studied the shelf of books along with the degrees perched on the wall. He hadn't noticed much on his last visit. It was as though he'd had tunnel vision and could see nothing but his own imminent death. It blinded him to all the things around him.
When the doctor entered Rick stood and shook his hand. The doctor cocked his head slightly, "Sorry I'm late, something came up." When he turned to face his patient, he added, "Well...you look...different than our last visit." He paused, "How things going?"
"I think OK."
"You were not OK when you left here. You know that?"
He glances around the room, "Yeah, I know."
"So tell me, what changed?"
"I found some friends and we talked about where I was and what I should do about it." The doctor did not speak, wanting Castle to tell as much as he was willing to do. "I suggested treatment and...we'll no treatment. It was not...shall I say very well received."
"It's your decision, not someone else's Rick."
"I know that, but my friend...friends were persuasive."
The doctor steepled his fingers, leaning them against his lips.
Castle continued, "I looked at some of the options you provided. It seems, based on what you told me, the ablation, rather than surgery, may still be able to help. Did I get that right?"
"You did. Because of the clustering of the tumors, although they're relatively small, it would involve cutting out too much of your liver."
"That's what I thought, so I moved on to the other options. It seems that chemo and radiation are not very promising alone, at least based on the statistics, but with the radiofrenqency ablation, I could hope for a better result."
"That's correct. Not only do we get the best results, but the procedure is the least invasive, which means you recover quickly, and the impact on the tumors starts immediately."
The talked more about the timing and agreed the sooner the better. Dr. Plenty's wanted to check schedules and confer with the team. Castled waited in the waiting area as the doctor made the contacts. He hoped they could schedule the first treatment for the next Friday, only four days away.
When he was done he called Castle back in, agreeing on the Friday schedule. He thanked the doctor and started to stand, when the doctor motion for him to sit a bit longer. "I have to ask, I don't usually see such drastic shifts in patients on their approach to treatment."
Castle studied the carpet in front of the doctors desk for a few beats, "I was pretty low, clearly shocked, it was not something I expected. I took some time and then asked my partner for some input."
"Indulge me, titles confuse me these days, tell me what 'partner' means."
Castle laughed, "I work with the NYPD, a homicide team, there are four of us. We are split into two groups. My partner is the lead detective for the team."
"Is your partner...more than a partner?"
"How do you mean?"
"I find that when you make medical decisions, and you do so jointly, you need someone who will be around...for the long haul. You know, in for penny, in for pound."
"Not sure I understand."
"We have people, shrinks, psychologist even social workers who can help, from now until the..." The doctor paused. Castle jumped in.
"The end?"
"Yeah, the end. This is a difficult ordeal, it is not for the faint of heart."
"You're asking me if my partner, will be with me, no matter what?"
"In a way, what I'm saying is, it's hard to work this end of the battle, but the other end is very difficult. There's no time to build relationships." When his patient remained silent, the doctor continued, "I'm not trying to discourage friends from helping, in fact friends are very important. But when you get to health decisions, it moves to a much more personal level."
Again silence reigned.
"You said you have a teenage daughter, and your mother, are they part of the treatment decision?"
He shook head, 'No, only Beckett."
"And is this Beckett, is your partner?"
"Yes."
"Is Beckett male or female?"
Castle laughed, "Beckett's a she."
"Again, back to my early question, is she more than just a partner?"
Castle drifted from the conversation on the question. What could he say? How could he answer? Yeah she's the woman he was blindly, stupidly in love with...that dying frighten him for all the wrong reasons...being away from her was unthinkable, unimaginable...but she could not come with him'...that he felt deprived of time, the time he would never be able to spend with her. He loved his daughter, loved his mother, but Beckett was other world. She tugged at places in him he didn't even know existed. He heard a voice pull him back.
"She is? But..."
"But?"
"This sound evasive, lets just say... it's complicated."
The doctor smiled, but did not speak, but now looked out his own window, lost in some fixed point in the distance.
It was the patient's turn to wait.
Plenty's began again, "You've brought me back to the beginning. Back to my original concern. Your medical confidant, needs to be in for the long haul. It may be that your partner at work, is not the one for the job."
Castle considered the last 72 hours with Beckett. She was in. But the doctor was right, he could not say for how long. When things got difficult, or ugly, she would have both a reason and the right to step back. He would not begrudge her that, but he wanted her here at the beginning. Wanted to extend their limited time together.
"I would like to have her with me at the beginning of this. I will tell her so. Place a limit on the time for involvement, then maybe my daughter or mother step in, or someone in your team."
"You can always add a second person. As you suggest, maybe someone from your family, it would allow for an easier," he paused looking for the words, "transition for your partner."
"I understand, and I appreciate your honesty." Smiling at his doctor and moving forward in his chair.
The raised his hand to the universal sign to stop, "There's one more thing." Castle froze in motion, and ended up sitting on the edge of his chair.
"I would recommend that when we start treatment, you have someone come with you. Someone to take notes, to record the details of the visits. Your plate will be full, and your emotions may not put you at your best. It gives you a chance, in the quiet of your home, to think about what went on and maybe ask questions at some later point. Give some thought to who could do that for you."
XX
There is an old poem, After the rain, the clouds appear. He felt lighter after his decision to fight, to go forward. He felt bolstered by Beckett knowing, by her assistance, even if it was for just a short time. She had shouldered his burden and it made so much difference to his outlook.
But on his horizon was another dark cloud and he ached under it's burden. His daughter was nearly 18 years old, and he had to tell her a story, there's always a story, but this one would forever change her life. If she lived to be one-hundred, she would remember the day her father told her he had cancer, that it would undoubtedly shorten his life.
He considered his mother. Even drama could not beat away this demon. She had been resilient under many different and trying circumstances, but there is not a mother or father that wants to out live their child, and he was her only. The scales had been weighed and the his days were found wanting.
He relished Beckett's presence in this task. But he would not ask, he had to go this alone, it could not be shared. It would be wrong to ask her, it was a grief that could not be observed. His thoughts were jarred by the shaking of his cell phone. A one word text: So?
He hit speed dial. She answered on the second ring her tone irritated, "Castle!"
He laughed, 'Detective Beckett."
"Don't give me that, your meeting was hours ago..."
"Patience Detective, Patience."
Her mouth was jammed to her phone, trying to avoid anyone from hearing, "Patience my..."
"Sorry. I'm sorry, it took longer than I thought. I had to wait for him to check some things" He paused, "We had a lot to talk about."
"You do know it's nearly 11?"
Before answering there was another pause. His answer was slow, pensive, "I didn't...we finished around 10:30ish, and...I've been walking. Just thinking."
She was quiet, the irritation subsiding. She took a slow breath and waited for him to go on, but when he didn't speak, "Is everything OK?"
"Yeah, it is." She could tell instantly, that whatever was slowing him down, has passed. "The doctor was pleased, maybe even surprised with the decision to jump and start treatment as soon as possible."
"Did he give you a time frame?"
"Friday."
"This Friday?"
"Yeah, he wants to get going."
"That's good news then?"
"Yes it is good news, it...it just raises another issue."
"What issue Castle?" The concern flooded her voice.
"Alexis and Mom."
She had been wondering about this step. Knowing it couldn't be avoided, especially when treatment started. With Friday looming, time was up, he'd have to break the news and it would not be easy. They would have to come to grips with this horrible truth, time was running out for Alexis' with her dad and for Martha with her son. Beckett started to speak, but suddenly her throat was tight, her eyes stung. She took a deep breath, making another run at it, "Would you like help with that?"
He let out a pinched laugh, "More than you know." He took a deep audible breath, then slowly exhaled, "I'd like to hide it forever for them, but that would be real tough. The doctor said, based on the tentative schedule, I'll have to spend Friday night and part of Saturday in the clinic. Not easy to hide and not right to hide. They need to know."
"I meant...do you want me to help you tell them?"
"No I understood and I appreciate it." This pause was longer and when he spoke it was clearly from the heart, "I have always marveled at your ability to tell the worst of news, with sincerity and such empathy...but I can't ask you to do that this time, but thank you Kate."
His frankness embarrassed her and again the use of her first name. Her eyes burned again, the throat thickened with emotion, she responded in a murmur, "The offer stands Castle." She took another deep breath, and moved away from the topic. "Tell me what the doctor said."
XX
She had sat in silence for a few minutes after their call ended. She was again on an emotional roller coaster. Castle had taunted, teased, cajoled, annoyed and frustrated her. She thought, there were to many adjectives needed to describe their three years together. She had literally wanted to kill him. She'd been angry with him, so many times. But this, this thing, was rocking both of their worlds. Suddenly his words struck at her, and since Saturday heavy than ever. She was three days into the news and experiencing something that surprised her. Pain.
It had physically hurt for her to adsorb this news. She found herself shuttering, like she was cold, as the weight of it settled in. Both Ryan and Esposito has asked, at different times, if she was alright. She told them she hadn't sleep well this weekend, which was true. She grabbed her phone and hit speed dial.
The ME picked up on the sixth ring, Beckett was about to give up, "Hey girlfriend."
Beckett felt her heart sputter with relief at the sound friend voice, another wave of emotion rolled over her. "Lanie..." Her voice gave out.
Lanie had half expected the call. She knew Castle had his appointment this morning, had wondered when Beckett would call her. "You don't sound OK over there?"
"No, this is pathetic. I'm pathetic..." She skidded to another stop.
"No Sweetie you're not. I think you're just suffering along with writer-boy."
"Lanie I feel like I'm being pulled into a giant sinkhole… and I can't stop the fall, its just pulling us down."
The ME marveled at this revelation. She had never questioned how Castle felt about her best friend. He was three sheets to the wind in love. She'd thought that if any man looked at her the way Castle looked at Beckett, she'd never let him get away. But Beckett's approach to all this, was a blindness. In fact she had dangled other men, lesser men in the ME's opinion, in front of the writer. She had watched the hurt take it's toll, with Beckett not seeming to notice. But she'd also seen Castle hurt Beckett with other woman. Seen her friend nearly green with envy or out right jealousy. But these two, they never seemed to get on same page, at the same time. But now, for first time Beckett had said, us and meant just that. The ME's thoughts were interrupted by her friend's voice.
"They're doing the ablation on Friday. He going home to tell his Martha other Alexis."
The ME just groaned, "I don't envy him.?"
"I told him I would go with him."
"Katherine Beckett, what has happen to you?"
"What does that mean Lanie?"
"It means you've turned into a helicopter mother with that boy."
"Well, I feel like we kind of steam rolled him on that stupid I'll just have fun and then..." She stopped, not able to finish the sentence. There was no levity in the word dead.
Lanie decided to change the subject, "I thought you said his appointment was at 9 this morning, and, what, its 11:30, why do I have to wait two and half hours to hear something."
The question made Beckett smile, helped her re-focus, "Funny you ask. He called me at 11:15, after, I texted him."
"And?"
He finished around 10:30 or maybe 10:45, said he was taking some time to think." She paused, then, "But don't worry I lit into him for making me wait."
Lanie laughed, "And there we have it!"
"Have what?"
The ME cackled again, "Listen helicopter mom, I gotta go. They just rolled in another body."
AN: Thank you for reading.