Falling Down
Chapter 4
When he arrived at the loft, it was shortly after noon. He didn't expect either his mother or Alexis to be home. He was wrong on both counts.
His plan had been to sit down, take some time and figure out what to say. He wanted to be honest, but didn't want to crush them with this. But he doubted there was anyway around doing just that. It was too heavy. He loved these two dearly and had always tried to protect, to shield them. But there was no protecting them from this. He thought about Beckett's offer to be here with him. Her willingness was disarming, but she'd been very serious in the offer, it made him appreciate his partner more and more every day.
He toyed with the fleeting idea of getting in his car and making a run to the Hamptons. To give himself a couple of days to...to do what? As he stared back at his reflection in the bathroom, water dripping off his chin, he told himself to buck up. Stop acting like a three year old. Do this, and do it right. They needed to know, and they needed to know now.
It was not fear of the telling, but he recoiled at the grief of them having to know. Their reaction was a foregone conclusion. It was asking them to bear a burden that was too heavy. Once told, it could not be be taken back. The grief and pain were the unavoidable, a consequence of simply knowing. Like walking in front of a speeding car, the damage would be horrific. He'd seen first hand what it had done to Beckett. His supposedly none emotional and neutral partner had nearly come undone. He shook his head thinking about it, there was no neutrality in death.
But, as with life, things constantly changed. While making them grilled tuna and cheese sandwiches, he asked how they both ended up at home for lunch on a Monday. They just shrugged, Alexis telling him it was a special day for teachers at school and they got out early. Martha suggested her life was like art, always evolving. He shook his head.
Lunch was the usual, laughter and a couple of crazy stories. Then Alexis turned her attention to her dad. "And why aren't you fighting crime?"
"Just things to do today. You know some of us have to work for a living."
Martha cleared her throat, "By the way Darling, Gina called. She said something about you," pausing for dramatic effect, "Let me see if I can remember?" Glancing at the ceiling as if a note were pasted to it, "Oh yes, I do now...you owe her two chapters."
"Thank you Mother for that timely reminder."
Alexis and Martha both laughed, at the old joke.
Alexis matter-of-factually noted, "Defective Beckett also called," and turned to her Grandmother, "She didn't see him enough this weekend." Then rolled her eyes.
"Yes I spoke with her an hour ago."
"Which her, dear?" Both ladies laughed.
When they calmed down, he put down the kitchen towel, "I need to talk to both of you, let's go in the front room sit."
"No can do kiddo, I've still got things to do and places to be."
His tone was flat, "Mother. I need 15 minutes. Today."
There was no retort, she stood and walked into the living room.
Alexis had gotten the message in the exchange between father and grandmother, "Dad, I was going to go and run some errands...but...it can wait."
He grabbed a glass of water and then sat in a chair across from the sofa. He thought to himself, taking a deep breath, here we go. "I've been feeling...crummy lately, not much energy. I thought maybe it was the flu, but there were no other symptoms."
Alexis went from slouching to sitting up straight. Taken on the guiding adult role, "Did you go the doctor Dad?"
"I did. He thought it was probably just a lingering version of the flu or, maybe some other virus. But to be safe he ordered a blood panel." He suddenly felt the room shrink. He was on the precipice and about to spill it out. Like a pilot pressed by the G-forces, his vision began to narrow.
"Richard!" Her voice pulled him away from his thought, "Did they find anything?"
He started to speak, but then voice abandoned him, what came out was just above a whisper, "They did."
He looked up. His daughters eyes were wide, terror seeping into edges. Her face set, ready for whatever was to come, and already sensing its weight. His mother's head tilted forward into her hand, her eyes rolled shut.
"What did they find Dad?"
He laid his head back against the chair and closed his eyes. "Oh Sweetie..." He could speak no more. A tear trickled down his cheek.
"What Dad?" Her voice pleading, "What is it? What's wrong?"
He wiped his eyes and stood, moving to sit next to her, "I have cancer my love...it's not good."
He felt his daughters arms clamp onto him. She seemed frail and sounded so young to him. "No Daddy! No."
In a moment his mother was at his side. While he leaned and held Alexis, she put her arms around him hugged his shoulder. "Richard, we need more tests. You need to find out...for sure."
When the tears subsided, they each returned to their seats. Over the next hour he answered their questions. Explained what he knew, and when he knew it. He explained his decision to press forward with treatment, without including Beckett's part in it yet. He wanted her with him for that discussion.
His mother pressed him on what kind of treatment and when. After he told them Friday, the tears erupted again.
It was nearly 2:15 before a calm settled in, but it was a calm after terrible storm. Martha stood and said she was going upstairs and rest.
Alexis had moved to the corner of the sofa, her arms pulled her legs against her like a shield. She looked at her father, "What did she say?"
He looked up, at first confused, but then understood. "She was pretty upset, still is."
Alexis talked to the window, "You remember on Sunday when she told me that she wanted to beat you? And we made a joke about it?" He nodded. She continued, "I laughed at first, but then I looked at Beckett and her eyes were full of terror, like she was about to burst in tears. I thought I was crazy, and brushed it aside." She paused again, and then in a whisper. "But I got it right, didn't I?"
"I think so." He looked away and spoke to something outside, "I couldn't get her to leave on Sunday...and Beckett is not one to hover. I knew she was really upset."
"I'm glad she was here with you Dad. Glad she's your friend."
"Me to Lex! Me to!"
XX
She recognized his walk, but didn't look up. She had received a short text the night before, telling her that he'd be in. The coffee cup was the first to land on her desk, followed by a small pastry bag. A smile spread across her face. She loved coffee.
"Hey Castle. Trying to spoil me."
He huffed, "I've been spoiling you for years Beckett."
"You think so?"
"I know so. In fact, I had to sell one of my Manhattan properties just to pay off my coffee tab."
She let out a laugh, "You are such a liar."
"Ah, the joys of being appreciated. So what do we have today?"
"We're still working on the Ramirez case. The boys are running bank records and you and I, have to make a stop at the bookkeeper's office. He seems reluctant to help the NYPD."
"Wow, a road trip...hey you could offer him a room without a view." Pointing to the basement with his index finger.
She shook her head, "No road trip, it's like 20 blocks away. You won't need to take supplies."
"Hey, you never laugh when I have something that you find out you...forgot."
Scoffing at his suggesting, "Like what?"
"How about, my little back-up burner phone."
"Really? One time I forget my phone...and yours happened to be dead. I don't think, that merits carrying an extra phone."
"Then answer this," Holding up his hand like a traffic cop, "Did you use my burner phone to make a call Detective?"
She shifted her eyes back to her desk and huffed, "This discussion is over."
He smiled, "I'll take that as a yes."
XX
She had a couple of things to do before they headed out. He busied him self with this phone. She heard it shake, and he mumbled Alexis.
"Hey Pumpkin, whats up?"
Beckett looked up and watched his eyes, they went from laughter to flat and then to tight. She knew it was not good news.
"OK, love. Thanks for calling. See you tonight."
It was not her business. She pressed on with her paperwork. Her busy, but pretentious show was interrupted by a series of sighs, then Castle shifted in his seat as he took out his frustration on his phone. Tapping at it like an angry woodpecker
She sat down her pen, "Is there something you need to share Castle?"
"No!" His head never coming up, his fingers continued their ferocious pecking.
Finally she gave up and just stared at him. He must have seen her hands stop moving because he too stopped, and then made eye contact.
"What did Alexis want Castle?
He shook his head and let out a growl, "Gina dropped by…."
XX
On their way to the bookkeepers they'd stopped at one of the vendors that surrounded Central Park. He said he wanted to get out in the fresh air for just a few minutes.
As they sat on one of the park benches he was quieter than usual. "So tell me Castle, why does Gina dropping by bother you?"
He sat his soda down, "It's not her dropping bye. She's bugging me to write faster. Which is nothing new...she doesn't seem to get that writing doesn't happen that way. Yeah I have to write everyday, but then it starts to flow and ideas start to pop into my head. But lately..."
"I get it Castle."
"But that's not all."
"Then what is it?"
"Its not just the writing." He paused and let his eyes follow a bird gliding over the nearby pond until it glided to a soft landing. He turned to look at his partner, she was watching, waiting for him, "I have to tell her."
Beckett responded to the news with a flutter of mixed emotions. She was suddenly aware of her proximity to this man. She felt guilty knowing that she'd taken it too causally, too much for granted. Of all the people in his life, he'd chosen her to be the first. He came to her in his darkest hour. She wanted to jump up and hug him, just to convey her gratitude and, maybe ask for forgiveness. But that was not them. Instead she offered, "When will you do it?"
"Soon." Another long pause. "I have to get ready for her cross-examination."
"What does that mean?"
"You know the questions. When did you know? What did they say? How long do you have? What about the book? And on and on." He shook his head, like he was tired.
"Yeah?"
"But her big issue will be, who knew and when."
Most people would not describe Kate Beckett as sheepish, but she was today, "You mean me?"
"Of course you! He laughed, "She's always been jealous of you, so yeah, me going to you first...oh wow, she'll be fried." He looked up and smiled, "I don't care. I went to you...because I trust you more than anyone."
Before she could speak, he turned his attention back to his phone. His frankness surprised her yet again. He was not trying to flatter her or flirt. The delivery was not emotional. It was just a statement of fact, plain and simply. She smiled to herself. She appreciated her partner. She hoped he knew that.
XX
They visited the less than forthright bookkeeper. Reluctantly he gave them records that involved the victim. But he did so only under threats of a ride to the station. Castle and Beckett gather up the limited hard copies and four zip drives. They headed to the Twelfth, to decide how to address the records.
She was studying her partner as he banged away on his phone. Without looking up he commented, his voice low so no one could hear, "Are you trying to blow my cover?"
"What cover?"
"You know...the me cover."
He was staring at his phone when she snatched it, then set it as far away as possible on the opposite edge of her desk. "What is the, me cover?" she hissed.
"Really? Must I teach you everything Grasshopper?"
She went from a hiss to a snarl, "I'll grasshopper you..."
He shook his head, "It's me...just being me. Not a care in the world...life's a bowl of cherries." He leaned forward, extending his body onto her desk, setting himself up to reach for his missing phone.
In one swift motion she grabbed the phone and stood up. "I need some coffee!" and headed for the break room.
He took his time, was not going to chase her. He briefly checked on the boys, Espo causally asked, "What'd you do to Mom this time?
It only took about three minutes for him to arrive with his cup. But she was waiting.
As soon as he entered the room, she raised her glare to him, "Castle, close the door."
Without a word he did so, then turned to face her, "What's up Detective?"
"You know what's up."
"Ah, I really don't." Holding his hands out, palms up.
"You're acting like everything is just...just wonderful. And you know...and I know, it's not."
He grabbed a cup and began working the machine. "Beckett, I need to be the same guy as last month." He stopped and looked at her and slowly offered her the cup, "Nothing has changed."
She would not make eye contact and mumbled into the extended cup, "Everything has changed."
"But, only you and I know that. Plus..."
She cut him off, "Plus what?"
"Plus...there's nothing I can do...that I'm not already doing." Becoming annoyed at her focus on the cup, he gritted his teeth, "Please look me!"
She turned her head to the right, and glanced up at him. Her eyes were wide.
"I cannot change anything Kate. This is my lot. I'm happy to be here at the Twelfth, it's good to be with you guys...it's a wonderful distraction. So no, I'm not fine...but I'm finer here, than anywhere else."
He pushed off the counter and stepped towards the door, "Let's go read some records. See if the slippery bookkeeper, whom by the way had the hots for you, stiffed us or not."
She let out small laugh, "He did not have the hots for me!"
"And that's why 20 out of 20 are women are crazy. You guys just don't get it."
She shoved at his back, "You have a daughter you sexiest pig! How can you talk like that?"
"Just pulling your chain Detective," but could not suppress his laughter, "And man you are so easy."
XX
So here was Thursday and Castle had worked until after lunch, Friday would be a big day. He causally announced that he's see her next week, but it wasn't really for her. She didn't answer at first and appeared busy but also exceptional quiet until he said he was taking off.
She kicked his foot to get his attention, "Let's go get coffee."
'You want the usual? I'll make it for you?"
"Not here. Let take a walk."
She told the guys they'd be back in a few. When they protested, she silenced them with the threat of more records to review.
He sat across from her in the nearby coffee shop. With out preamble she asked, "What's the schedule tomorrow?"
"I have to be at the hospital at 2PM, I'm scheduled for 3 o'clock."
"Seems kinda of late."
"They squeezed me in. My doctor wanted to get started."
"Is there anything, I..."
"No Kate, you've already helped." Giving her a warm smile, "And don't worry, this is as non-invasive as it gets. The worst part will be the general anesthesia."
"How long will you be out?"
"He thought two to three hours. Just depends."
Her face sagged and she gritted her teeth, "Have I told you I hate this?"
He laughed, "I'm the one getting zapped! Be calm Detective."
"Well I'd trade places with you...if I could."
He reached over and bumped his hand against hers, "Kate, it'll be fine."
XX
It felt like an airport, working your way through the various lines to get to the plane. Today his destination was not a far away place but a simple procedure.
First they sat in the surgery waiting area. He watched Alexis and his mother fidget. Thankfully the wait was short. When his name was called, they escorted him back to the pre-op areas, telling the women that once he was ready, they'd be able to come back and sit with him while they waited for the doctor.
The room was large enough for six beds with curtains around them. Each bed had two chairs, for the patients and family members who spoke is soft murmurs. He was happy to be alone for a few minutes. His mother and daughter were tightly strung by the ordeal. He recalled his words to Beckett, about doing everything he could. He felt like his part was done. The ball was in the doctors hand's.
At 2:45 the doctor came in and told them they'd be starting in about 15 minutes. Again he anticipated two hours, give or take. He answered a couple of questions from Alexis and then they were off.
XX
He was aware for his surroundings, but the fog in his head was heavy and thick. He heard Martha's talking to Alexis, "He's waking up."
"Mother," his voice dry and slurred, "What time is it?"
"It's almost 8 o'clock." She squeezed his hand, "It ran a little longer than they planned and its taken some time for you to thaw out from the medication."
He moaned over his thumping head, "Don't feel very thawed."
"Hey Dad," She was holding on to his other hand.
"Pumpkin, did the doctor say how it went?"
"He said he was pleased. He'll be in a little later to see you."
Another moan, "I wish I could just go home?"
"Not tonight, it took awhile, and they want to monitor you because of the anesthesia."
"That's fine, I really don't feel like trying to ride in a car."
"Dad are you up to a visitor? She been her for awhile."
"Tell Gina I'm too tired. I'll call her tomorrow." He closed his eyes.
"It's not Gina, it's Detective Beckett."
His eyes came back open. "Tell her to come in and…." His eyes closed.
Alexis laughed, "I'll go get her."
Two minutes later Beckett stood by him, "Hey Castle, how you doing?"
His eyes opened slowly, his response was a slur of words, "Detective Beckett...is this a dream?" He smiled, but looked confused, "But in my dreams you're..." Her hand came up, her fingers pressed against his lips.
She leaned in and whispered, "Castle, not a dream. Your Mother and Alexis are here, be nice." She pulled her hand back.
It took a second, but his voice was a bit clearer, "Detective, what are you doing here?"
"Just checking on my partner."
After they chatted for a couple of minutes, which still proved difficult for the patient Beckett turned to the ladies. She knew it had been a long afternoon and evening, waiting, "Martha, if you and Alexis want to go for a bit, I'd be happy sit with him."
Both women's eyes lit up, but Martha spoke first, "Katherine, that would be wonderful."
Alexis walked over and patted her father's hand, "Dad try to be good while we're gone." But he appeared to have dozed off.
"Katherine we won't be long."
AN: Appreciate all of you who are taking the time to read this story. Thanks for your many reviews. Madreag.