Falling Down

Chapter 5

He was stretched out on the sofa, still dragging from the procedure. His mind felt heavy, just like his body. Mostly he wanted to sleep. He would dose off and then hear Alexis' voice, or her laughter and he'd be pulled back to the reality.

They had agreed to binge on a TV series, but he flamed out ten minutes into the first episode. When he awoke he was alone. His mother had draped a light blanket across him to keep him comfortable.

He didn't know how long he had slept when he thought he heard a knocking at the front door. He forced open his eyes, Alexis was calling out, "I'll get it." Followed by "Hello Gina."

Castle groaned at the words. That was not the name he was hoping to hear, in fact far from it. He groggily considered the conversation he'd had with Gina on Thursday. Telling her about the diagnosis and the upcoming procedure. She had responded conspiratorially that they would have to "keep this under their hats." She didn't see it as good or bad for sales but, nothing should be made public at this early stage. She did not want the literary world writing off her best author.

As she worked through the her questions, the inevitably, "who knows" had come up. He told her he had only confided in his mother, daughter, and, a few close friends. It was like pulling a pin on hand grenade, "What friends? When did you tell them? And, can they be trusted? Followed by, "This is serious Rick."

He recalled his conversation earlier in the week with Beckett. He'd told her it would come down to this. He decided to get it done and end the charade.

"The first person I told was Beckett."

Gina had looked incredulous, "Why," pausing for effect, "Would you tell her?"

He shot back, "Because she's my partner."

Thinking back, he had smiled a least a couple times. It was like he'd verbally hit her. She almost staggered back, "Really, your partner? What am I? Are you telling me a cop, you hang out with, and call 'your partner,' which is certainly better than your 'buddy,' ends up hearing this kind of news before your ex-wife and editor." Her voice raising in indignation, her head shaking in disgust, "She's nothing but a civil servant Rick, what were you thinking?"

What he was thinking was, "You're right shes not just my partner. She's my closest friend...one of the few people I trust in this world." He paused in his own thoughts, no longer willing to pretend otherwise, at least not with himself, "And the only woman I could ever love."

His thoughts were interrupted by her voice, "Ricky how are you doing?"

He lifted his head slightly, but could only see her face. His tone was flat, "Gina."

"You sound terrible love." She moved towards him.

He held out his hand, "Gina! Sit, don't touch." She came to an immediate stop.

"Whats wrong?

"My head hurts...being still is best. Don't think the anesthesia and I got along too well." He paused closing his eyes. "I've only been home a few hours."

Gina Cowl looked at her best writer and former husband, stretched on the sofa before her. Looking his usual laid back-self with the addition of a painful hangover added on, she knew that was not the case. For her he had irreparably changed. What she saw now was a lesser him. This parasite of cancer had already laid hold of his masculinity, had begun to shrink the man he was. She feared he would not be with them for long.

Their marriage had never had a chance. It wasn't because he was a "mamma's-boy" since he and his mother often warred and it appeared she enjoyed her son's wealth to his disdain. It wasn't that he was a philander, he wasn't. She had trampled their marriage vows for her own needs. She frowned at her own stupidity and could not even recall why she had been intent on hurting him. He been a good husband. She really didn't care about the guy or the sex that had broken their marriage. In fact she couldn't recall his face, and seldom could conjure up his name. It meant nothing to her and everything to them.

Anyway there was something much bigger, more threatening. It was not large in size, in fact it was a small thing, a small person.

Alexis Castle.

When his first wife and had run off to Hollywood, with her pants down, she had created a bond between Richard and his daughter that would never be broken. Alexis Castle was his world. The sun rose and set in this girl. More than that, she was a good kid. She had been a good step-daughter but her mere presence sequestered his heart. As his wife she had gotten the tip of the iceberg, but what was beneath surface was all Alexis'. She hated that. Knew that he would do any thing for the girl. Knew that she could do nearly anything and he would forgive her. But, step between him and Alexis, and it would be over.

The girl was young when they hit the marital rocks, but she was sensitive and managed her fathers emotions even as a child. She could keenly detect a shift in his emotional state and intuitively set about fixing things. The child knew he was crushed by her stepmom's action, although she didn't understand. Gina even doubted that he had ever spelled it out to the girl. And if so, it would have been years later.

She had lashed out at him, blaming Alexis when he told her, in no uncertain terms, that they were over. He was clear, she needed to leave. Immediately. She fought back, realizing she had overstepped, truly screwed up. She taunted, "Did your little angel tell you to get rid of me?" He had stared back at her, without emotion. "No. She reminded me that we had done OK alone, before you, and that we would be OK again." The words had stung and reminded her of the irony in their name, Castle. For this fortress was strong and consisted of only two people. Rick and Alexis. She had been invited in, welcomed, even adored, but had trampled the hearts of the king and queen. And was now forever banished.

Over the years she had watched them, worked with them as an outsider, and saw again and again, that the walls of this family remained tall and strong. Always intact and barring all outsiders from getting in. Other women had come and gone, but none entered. And then that all changed.

After the demise of Derrick Storm he'd fallen into a long dry season. She wanted to kill him for killing his main character, their 'cash cow.' But he'd pushed back. Said he was sick of the character who, from his perspective, had devolved into a bore. Instead of evoking creativity, Derrick Storm stifled it. She reminded him, often, stifled or not, Mr. Storm certainly paid the overhead along with a cashed out home in the Hampton's. Which she never saw.

And then the world shifted.

When some crazed killer copycatted Flowers on Her Grave, he had been drawn into the world of the NYPD. She'd figured it was would last for a week or two. She had been wrong. But she had been wrong before. From his brief encounter with the PD had come his greatest character. Far more complex than Derrick and with exponentially more possibilities. Nikki Heat.

But as with all things in life, there was a price for success. A toll to be paid. For the genesis of his complex and messy character was a living and breathing cop. Detective Kate Beckett. Another ice queen. She loved the character, it had made her rich. She hated Kate Beckett. She would admit she didn't like the other women. Especially the younger, better looking and more vibrant than her. But she worked on that. While she couldn't compete with time, she could fight back, even if it was an uphill battle.

Kate Beckett was different. It wasn't looks. From her perspective Beckett was too skinny with no boobs. There was no questions in her mind who would looked better, with or without clothes. But it it wasn't a body and boobs contest. It was much deeper. The 'ice queen' had reached into Castle and frozen his heart. He was dead to all others. She guessed that Beckett had even trumped the little queen, Alexis. But that was not end of it.

She had known he was stricken before he did. She seen them in the same room. It was a dead bust. He only had eyes for her. He stumbled on words, lost focus and nearly salivated in her presence. Beckett could care less. She had no interest in Richard Castle. He was a simply a nuisance. She delighted in torturing him. She reeled him in and only to throw him back in the water. She paraded men in front of him, simply to annoy or even hurt him. While women all over New York wanted to land 'the prize,' she considered him a toy in a Cracker Jacks box, not worth even unwrapping.

In the last weeks he had again proven this. When he received the news of his cancer, who did he run to? The bitch. And she was suddenly fed up with Beckett. Didn't want her around and didn't want her torturing her ex any longer. She knew she couldn't have his heart, but she would do all she could to make this war with cancer easier. It would be an emotionally draining task. For her there were now two fronts: cancer and Beckett. While she could not stop the cancer, she could certainly stop the ice queen and her parasitic personality. Her days of taunting and flaunting were about to end. She vowed to herself that she'd make sure of that and mused, let the battle begin.

Gina had once had his heart and his bed. She'd do what ever was necessary to get at least one of those back. She'd done him dirt, and now wanted desperately to make amends. The best she could do, is care for him and keep Beckett away. She wanted that name stripped from his head, his heart and his vocabulary. It would not be easy.

She slid into the nearest chair. "Sorry I didn't get by yesterday after your procedure."

"It's fine...Mother, Alexis...and Beckett were there." He'd rolled his head towards her when he uttered Beckett and saw her flinch.

Involuntarily her jaw set and she spit out, "What was she doing there?"

"Really Gina...we going to do that again?"

"What the hell does that mean?"

He shook his head, "I'm tired Gina."

"Rick. Please listen to me. I hate that this is happening to you, I don't want it to be harder than necessary." She stopped, looking for the right words.

He opened his eyes and forced himself into a sitting position. "It's me Gina, so why don't you finish your thought?"

"I'm concerned about you...concerning about the turmoil...the Twelfth and it's cases… and..."

"You mean the Twelfth that generated my last two, with finger quotations 'best selling books?"

"I know the environment at the Twelfth has been great...but..."

"But what Gina? Spit it out!"

"This is not about...what you think."

"That's not helping me Gina." He closed his eyes.

"This is only about you Rick." He remained silent, "This is a hard time for you, and you shouldn't do it alone."

He opened his eyes and starred at her, "I'm not alone. I've got Mother and Alexis here with me. You're in the loop...how is that alone."

She put her head in her hands. She took a deep breath and exhaled, long a slow. "I mean alone with another adult, a relationship, someone who cares about you."

"Gina, I think we know you care about my writing...not about me."

"That's not true. I know I was a terrible wife. A cheat...anything else you can think up..."

She stood and started to pace slowly. "I care about you and...and I wish I could take back how stupid, how selfish I was...but I can't." She stopped and looked at him. "But that doesn't mean I don't care." Silence reigned again.

"Gina. I feel terrible! Can we save this conversation is for another day?"

"I know. Just let me say this and I'll shut up...wait til you feel like yourself. I am here for you." She took a deep breath, "I don't think Beckett is. Test her and see...and when she lets you down. I'm still here for you."

He said nothing for a few beats, then, "OK Gina. Help me to my room. I need to sleep."

XX

After he was down, she shut the door and when out to sit for few minutes. She'd said too much. But she didn't want him alone. Didn't want him pinning for Beckett. While she considered this, his phone lit up. She leaned forward and saw none other than Kate Beckett's face fill the screen. Her first inclination was to break the thing but instead she swiped it on.

Taking a deep breath, she answered in a what she hoped was a neutral tone, "Hello?"

On the other end, Beckett paused, then tentatively spoke, "Ah...who is this?"

"It's Gina. What can I do for you Detective?"

Another pause, "Why do you have Castle's phone?"

"I just put him down for a nap. I saw the call was from you so, I answered it."

Her voice reflected her concern, "Is he OK?"

Gina pondered the question. "Yeah, he's OK. Tired, but OK...all things considered."

"I just wanted to check on him. See if I should bring him anything."

Without really answering she responded, "His Mother, Alexis and I are here. We've got it covered."

Beckett paused again, considering the icy tone, but decided not to bite, "That's good. Please tell him I called I'll check on him later or tomorrow."

"I'll do that."

Remaining professional Beckett responded, "Thank you Gina, I'll..."

"Before you go Detective...would you have time for lunch next week, say Monday or Tuesday. Just you the two of us?"

Beckett paused again, recalling Castle's concerns about Gina. But she wasn't inclined to ignore the request, even if she didn't trust his ex. "Either day is fine."

"Good, then let's do Monday...the sooner the better." Without giving Beckett a moment to respond, "I'll call or text you the location. Good bye Detective."

Beckett heard only dead air, and didn't bother replying.

XX

As much as he wanted out the house, he was still tired. He guessed he was running a low grade fever, and here it was already Monday. He'd been told to expect the fever for a few days and was scheduled for a follow-up visit on Thursday. The way he felt, it seemed years away.

Beckett had called on Sunday saying she'd check in on him on Monday.

At 10:15 am. he sent her his first text. What are you doing?

Working

New case?

No. Paperwork. Shall I have some delivered to you?

No thx, I'll leave you alone

Thx

XX

At 11:15 that same morning Beckett received a call from Gina. "Detective is one OK for lunch?"

"That works for me."

Gina gave the address, it was only three blocks away.

When she arrived Gina was busy on her phone, she held up her finger, indicated, just a moment. Within seconds she ended the call, "Excuse me, I wasn't trying to be rude...something couldn't wait at the office."

"I understand."

Beckett had not been excited about the lunch, as well as troubled as to why Gina had wanted to meet. She and Castle had worked together for years, never once had his ex-wife reached out to her. Why would she do so now? As she tried to connect dots, there was no clear connection. Their past meetings were by accident or in connection with the Nikki Heat series, and always cordial.

The talk was light through the ordering of lunch. As they waited for their food Gina shifted gears, "I'm sure you wondered why I asked you here today, and you rightly assumed it was about Rick?" Beckett remained silent. "I'm worried, as I know you are...worried about how this will play out. The treatment, the prognosis, all of it." She paused, "I have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that it's him. I figured we'd war over his writing until we were both old." She paused and fiddled with her napkin, "But now that seems less likely." She stopped and looked away. Seemingly lost in thought.

Beckett cleared her throat, "I feel the same. Never thought this could happen. I know it happens everyday, but not among the people I know." She paused, tripping on thoughts, "Thought we had all the time in the world. We...tend also to… battle a lot."

Gina smiled at the confession, "I want you to know...I'm not sure where our conversation will end today. I do know that there are only four people, besides doctors, that he has told. I also know that you were first, before his Mother and daughter. That puts you in a...very special position."

Beckett shook her head, "I know you mean that as a compliment," but stopped, took a deep breath, "but it didn't feel special. At first, I couldn't breath. He'd been bugging me to talk...and I had a date, and... I thought he was just, feigning jealously, and...I kept blowing him off." It was her turn to fumble with the napkin, "When I read the diagnosis, I could not believe it. I felt terrible. He'd had being trying to talk to me for three days and...I was too damn busy." Shaking her head, "What kind of friend is that?"

The waiter interrupted them by serving their salads. Once she was gone they returned to the topic.

Gina spoke first, "He would never say that...he never complains about you, and I don't think he ever would."

Beckett sat down her fork, "Why do you say that?"

Gina patted her lips with the linen and smiled, then sat down the napkin, "Detective! You don't have pretend with me. You know, I know, in fact maybe everyone knows...that Richard Castle has been in love with you for years." Beckett felt like someone had turned on a heater, she could feel the blush spreading across her cheeks. Gina laughed. "Seriously, that's a surprise? You're the youngest woman to make detective in the NYPD, and you didn't know when a man is in love with you? You're scaring me here."

Beckett laughed, "I don't think he's in love with me. I think he might be in love with Nikki, and I'm not her."

Gina shook her head in disagreement, "Detective, I was married to him. I trashed our marriage because of my own stupidity." She looked down at the table frozen for a few seconds, then her head came up. "I know when my ex is in love. And trust me, he's in love with you. I, like many others, consider his books a poorly disguised series of love letters and stories about you."

Beckett was both shocked and silenced at the unapologetic assertion.

Gina did not wait, "How many boyfriends have you had who've thrown down a hundred K to find your mothers murderer? How many have nearly died following you in your work?"

The blush returned, but with it came an ache. A fresh sorrow over her own willful blindness. She'd always kept him at arms length and sensed his feeling for her, but pretended not to know or see.

Gina went on, "I think I know you well enough to know that because of his condition, you won't be changing your mind. You don't seem like someone who'd offering a pity...what do they call it?"

Beckett shook her head, "No. No. I would never do that."

Gina voice turned stern, "Which leads me to my point." She held up her hand, "Hear me out. I think you can help...especially since you have no emotional interest in him."

Beckett could not let that statement by, "Gina, that is not true. I have all sorts interests in him."

"I know, I get that. But not a love interest and, that's were I think you could really help." She paused and then started again, "Let me just blurt this out, there's no easy way to say it. If you could pick one of your suitors, take a boyfriend, a steady guy, you know a serious relationship and let Rick know that you're moving on." She shook heard seeing the reaction in Beckett's eyes, "Detective, I not trying to be cruel. Yes I know it would hurt him at first, but ultimately it would help him." Her voice took on a plaintiff tone, "He needs to focus on his treatment, the recovery and unfortunately his writing." She saw Beckett's eyes go wider, "Detective his pinning away for you is counter productive. If you can't do the boyfriend thing...then just sit him down and be honest. Tell him there is never going to be anything more between you then there was six months ago. He needs to know that. It needs to be certain. He has to know that there's no hope for you two. It sounds harsh, but think about it."

Beckett's head was spinning, "I...I don't know what to say."

"Don't say anything. Rick probably told you I'd butt in, but that's not what I'm doing. He's sick! Real sick. Probably dying. He's coming to grips with his own end. He needs to know there's nothing there, and there never will be anything."

Before Beckett could not speak, she pressed on, "If you doubt what I've said...ask him for something. For anything, big or small and just watch. If it is within his power, he'll give it to you, or get it for you. Its because he cares so deeply for you."

Bile was surging in her stomach, Beckett pushed her salad away, "Gina, I have to go. I feel sick...and I need to get back to work."

She reached out and held onto her arm, "Detective, please do not think me cruel. Just think about what I said. Think about what he needs."

In barely a whisper she offered a weak, "I will."

XX

She left the restaurant and headed back towards the station. The realization of what Gina was asking stung. She had never verbalized something within herself, something she'd heavily invested in. Now Gina was asking her to discard that most precious thing, hope. She suddenly sensed the loss, at even the suggestion. She had hoped for them. Hoped that however unlikely, that they would find...and then her thought stopped. Find what? She didn't know, but it had to do with them. She and Castle.

A wave of emotion rolled over her, and she was left feeling disgusted. The strong sense that she was the worst person in the world was overbearing. She'd rebuffed love. Scorned hope and now time had run out. Again she was faced with the certainty that on some level they could have ended much more than friends. Now Gina was asking her to do something bigger than his dream and her suppressed expectations. She was being asked to push him away. Spell it out in certain terms. Tell him to stop hoping, to stop loving her. Tell him they were never going to happen. That she wasn't interested. And then her world would be moving, without him.

That sudden inability to breath, rolled back over her. Another panic attack. She forced herself to slow down, to take deep breaths. She felt the invisible hand press against her chest and she struggled to pull in air to fill her lungs.

When she finally caught her breath, she was hit was a wave of nausea. She wanted to throw-up and reached out to a store front wall.

She didn't know how long she'd leaned against the building. When it finally passed, and her breathing returned to normal, the bile retreated, she realized that Gina was not only asking her to kill Castle's hope in them, but hers as well. Tears began to sting her eyes. She turned back to the wall and laid her head against her arm, and groaned.

AN: Your comments, following and favorites are much appreciated. Thank you, Madreag