Falling Down
Chapter 6
On Thursday he saw the doctors as planned. They explained the results from the ablation and it looked like they were able to hit almost 90% of his tumors. It didn't mean they were gone, just that they had been knocked down. This was the first round, they'd do more testing in four to six weeks. He felt his first real sense of relief. He smiled to himself. Her help, their decision, it had been the right one.
The next phase of treatment would not require him to be at the hospital, but it was aggressive treatment none the less. They were adding oral chemo therapy.. He would take these on his own, the first would be Sorafenib. It was picked because it blocked the tumors from forming new blood vessels and targeted proteins on cancer, slowing their growth. He would take it twice a day. The list of side effects were, well, they'd have to see.
In the meantime, the doctor encouraged him to return to his normal life, but also, to do the things he wanted to do. His health was still good, the fatigue from the procedure would end soon. He was reminded, more than once they were early in the war and they'd just won one of the battles.
XX
On Friday morning he walked into the 12th with coffee for Beckett. She didn't look up when he approached but she'd seen him. He noticed her posture straightened as soon as he stepped away from the elevator. But, he could also play.
"So Detective, too busy to greet me." He slid her coffee over to her.
She looked up at him, her eyes wide. In reality she was so happy to see him, just to hear his voice. She wanted to jump up and hug him, she did not. "Thanks Castle." Tipping the cup towards him like a toast, "Enough vacation for you?"
"Yes Detective, enough fun in the sun." He beamed at her, "How do like my tan?"
She shook her head, "Cute Castle! Cute!"
From behind he heard, "Yo Castle, you POS, it's Friday, where have you been all week?"
He just waved his hand over his shoulder, given them the "whatever," but it was good to be back. Good to slip into their busy police world, light years away from the world of treatments and pills.
XX
On Friday evening, Beckett and Lanie had agreed to meet for dinner and a couple of drinks.
They talked for a while and both indulged in the wonderful bread and crisp salads. Finally the ME decided she couldn't wait any longer, "Are you going to tell me? Come on spit it out?"
"I don't have anything to spit out?"
"Right, so it is Ryan? Or Epso?" With no response she pressed on, "Ah, it's writer boy giving you grief?"
"No, no and no." She stared thumping the table with the end of her spoon. "It's Gina, I want to kill that woman!"
"Detective! Detective!" Wagging her finger at her friend, "You can't talk about killing someone in a public restaurant? You're a cop, and who's Gina?"
"Castle's Ex! Why can't the woman just stay out of his life...even if she is his editor."
Lanie shook her head, "Wow, now that sounds pretty complicated."
"It is, but there's more." Beckett paused and thought back to the lunch with Gina. "She wants me to get out of his life!" She fumed for a few beats, "Let her and his family take care of him."
"Wait! Wait! And how do know this? Did he tell you as much?"
"No, she took me to lunch, told me to think about what was best for him." She paused, "Said he'd been moping around long enough...needs to focus on his treatment…and, of course his writing."
"By moping she meant...for you?"
The ME had not seen her friend embarrassed very often. While on the other hand she'd seen her fry others with just look. But the one that could make her blush, was Castle. He had a way of turning Beckett into what Lanie called, 'A hot mess.' The expression on her friends face was a blend of both shame and sorrow. As though she was in pain and from just hearing the question, her friend morphed into a zombie, starring at her plate. Before Beckett answered she asked, "Girlfriend are you OK?"
Slowly Beckett looked up, her eyes now wide, glistening and filling, on the verge of tears, "No!"
"You need to talk to me. Let me help if I can."
Beckett shook her head, "No one can help Lanie. No one." Sounding like the world was ending.
"What do you mean, no one can help?"
Beckett began slowly, then retold the conversation with Gina. The suggestion to slip away from Castle. To let him down. To let it go. When she finished she sat quiet again, her face a mask of sadness.
"Sweetie it doesn't look like… like that's in the cards for you."
Without seeming to hear the question Beckett began to speak, "Asking me to give him a decisive...end to his hope...his hope for us." She dragged out the 's.' Then her eyes cleared and she riveted in on her friend, "Made me realize...I can't do that...and I didn't know until she asked me."
"Didn't know what Kate?"
"I didn't know how much I have been hoping for us...maybe not today or tomorrow, but some where down the line…I wanted, if possible, to see if we as friends ….could be more...to..."
It was the ME's turn, her mouth opened but nothing out. She cleared her throat, "Katherine Beckett, sometimes you surprise me." She paused, "And tonight I'm surprised that you didn't know this. That you needed his ex-wife, or editor, to make you see." Lanie let out a laugh, "Everyone knows how you two feel about each other."
Beckett laughed, "Everyone? Who is everyone?"
"Everyone who knows you guys. It's not just his eyes that light up when you come into a room. The same thing happens to you...you smile and immediately gravitate to him, like, he's the only one in the room."
"Lanie that's not true."
"Oh my friend, it is true." Another laugh, "It's not a bad thing. I love seeing you happy, and he does that for you."
Beckett settled back in her chair, like the air had been let out of her, "Lanie I can't let him go. I want us to work together...as long as we can. I want to be around if things get tough for him." She sat up, putting her elbows on the table, "He came to me first! Me Lanie, with the hardest news he will probably ever face...I cannot betray him, for what his Ex thinks is in his best interest." She stopped and stared into empty space, "I understand what she's asking, but I'd like to tell her stay out his life. He's got enough going on." She paused again, and the ME waited, "He's got a support team, he doesn't need her too."
Lanie just smiled, "It sounds like you mean, he has you." She wagged her finger at her friend, "Is this Kate Beckett going territorial on me?"
Snapping back, "No!"
"Really? Because it sure sounds like it….poor writer boy, stuck between two women…."
XX
It was Saturday, but Beckett woke early. She did things around her place, and drank coffee. She toyed with her phone, then sat it aside. After more pacing she decided she needed to get up and go somewhere.
It was getting on in the morning, but the day was still cool. She liked the idea of getting lost in the rhythm of feet pounding on pavement and decided to take a run. As she hit the 45 minute mark, she felt her phone vibrate in it's arm strap. She stopped and pulled it free, looking down at the screen she smiled and swiped, "Hey Castle."
"Beckett you sound...like you're running?"
"Yeah. Did some laundry and started pacing, figured this would be good for me."
"And is it?"
"Until people I spend the week with...interrupt."
He was silent for a few beats, "Buzz me when you get home." The phone went dead.
She looked at the device in her hand, it was suddenly heavy and irritating. But not near as heavy or irritated as her heart.
She started running, but the mood was gone. In less than ten minutes she was knocking on the loft door.
The door swung open and Alexis Castle stood before her in her PJ's. "Detective Beckett, you've been running."
"In deed I have."
"How are you today?"
"I'm better after running away from some of the kinks in my bones," she smiled at the girl, "And my head."
Alexis chuckled, "Would you like me to get my Dad, he's been writing this morning."
"If he's in the study, could I just check on him?"
"Be my guest, he'll be glad to see you."
"I don't think so, I know how he is when he's in the...writing mode."
"That's true, but you're an exception...even to his rules." She swung her arm toward the study.
Beckett knocked and waited. From behind the door she heard, "Come in Pumpkin."
She pushed open the door and stepped in, "You can call me Kate if you like."
She was greeted with a warm smile. She found herself reasoning that, if she kept him close, she could thwart this disease, this news...she could hold back the storm. It was stupid and she knew it. But she didn't care, she just needed a story that would keep all this in control.
"Beckett, this is surprise. Sorry I interrupted your run."
"What interrupted my run, was you hanging up. I was just teasing...and then you were gone." The word hit her like a punch and for in the second time in 30 seconds she reeled at the thought of him being gone. And then her breathing speed up. She pushed down the emotion, "I came over to whack you."
He laughed, "Sounds like you should've of kept running... still got a few edges to be worked out...sharp ones."
She shook her head in mock disgust. "Well you've been up for awhile, shaved dressed and working. You should get a star." Then added, "Gina must be on your butt again."
He shook his head , "Do not use the 'G' word in my house."
They both laughed. She plopped on the couch. "Do you have time to feed me Castle?"
He beamed at the request, "I always have time for you Beckett. Let me see what we've got in the frig."
"No, No I meant somewhere down on the Hudson...I'd like to see the water today. If you have time."
He stood and gently twisted to limber up his back, his sides still smarted from the ablation. "That sounds good."
"There's a condition," she held up one finger, and then added a second, "Well, two."
"And what might they be?"
"First, you get that funny red car from the basement, and I drive us to my place...and then, you give me twenty minutes to shower and change."
"Wait! You drive my Ferrari?"
"Yeah don't I always drive? And what's so special about that Italian bucket of bolts."
"We'll see."
XX
Forty minutes later they pulled up to her apartment. She was ear to ear smiles, "Wow!" She bounced the heel of her hand on the dark wood steering wheel, "Wow. This is an unbelievable car. Can I have it?" Swinging her head to beam at him over her ridiculous request. Like she heard Ryan and Esposito do so many times.
He just smiled at her and said softly, "Consider it done."
With those three words the mood instantly changed. She froze and stared straight ahead. For what seemed like forever as he watched. Then she turned and looked at him, a tear had erupted and ran down her cheek. She leaned forward and laid her head against the steering wheel, Gina's works burning in her head, "Ask him for anything and see what he does..."
He sat and watched her in silence. He was not trying to be flippant, he always wanted to give her the best. A soon as the words left his mouth, he knew it has been a mistake. He was so happy with her child-like delight in his car. In that instance he'd decided it would be hers. Now this.
He cautiously reached over and put his hand on her shoulder, "Hey, I'm sorry. I did not mean to upset you...I like to give you things...but, you're not a very good receiver."
She turned and leaned over and held onto to him, despite the counsel between them. She mumbled, "No I'm not."
The she suddenly pushed him away, "Ehew, I forget, I was running...I stink...ah, I'm sorry." As she sprung back. "Why didn't you say something...sniffing at her sleeve...I'm disgusting."
He just laughed.
XX
An hour later, they were seated at Grand Banks, docked on the Hudson River. The afternoon was beautiful with a slight breeze.
As he studied the menu, he stopped and looked up. "You know it's ten minutes from my place to yours, it took you forty minutes?"
Without looking up she said, "I got lost."
He pushed his menu into her, and she laughed, "You're a cop Beckett. How can you get lost?"
"Fine. I was just helping you keep your car...whats the word, limber."
"Limber? What is limber?
"You know exercised...instead of sitting in your stupid garage."
He looked at her, serious again, "You're right it is stupid to waste it." He paused for a moment. "Moving on," and avoiding another bump in their afternoon, "I have something I'd like to suggest."
"Suggest? Did you just say suggest?" She shot him a goofy look, "Since when?"
"Are you going to mock me, or let me talk?"
"Fine...but why not, ask?, Or annoy?, Or pester? But suggest?"
He shook his head, "Not this time, this is...bigger than most of my idea's..." Another pause.
"OK Castle, shoot, the suspense is killing me!"
"Let me explain a bit. I'm looking at time with...with new eyes. You know like the Ferrari sitting in the garage. I don't want to waste things." He a drifted out to the Hudson, then turned back to her. He found her head down, "Beckett, look at me. This is not a conversation that should feel heavy...in fact it's just the opposite. I'm trying to be practical, realistic..."
She snarked, "Hmmm, you are sick! Those are two traits that...they don't visit you that often…and never together."
He laughed and was glad for lighten mood, and could not help but savor this version of Beckett, so fun, so carefree, "Cute...so you're at least on the page with me." He paused and they both laughed at the irony of those adjectives describing him.
When they settled down, "I told you, when I asked you for your advice on what treatment I should consider….
She interrupted, "Actually you asked me about not treating at all…and by way, I'm still fried at you for even suggesting something that stupid!"
"You certainly have some edges today, despite the cool woman-about-town look you take on in that red car."
"You know I still have the keys, which means you might end of walking home."
"Beckett, stop, let me ask you this."
"I'm all ears."
"Well not really but…so in addition to the health questions, I had something for you to think about" He took a deep breath, "I would like you to consider taking a leave of absence." He stopped to let the words sink in, and then waited.
She looked instantly confused, "A leave of absence from work? Why?"
"I don't have an easy way to explain this suggestion, so...to travel, with me."
She said nothing. Just looked at him, studying his face, looking for a tell. There was nothing. No humor, no quirky expression. Just patience.
When she did not respond, "Let me alleviate your concerns. This is not a plan to steal you away to some remote place and have my way with you." She smiled at the comment. "I will put you in the best private suites, take care of all the costs." He waved his hand like swatting a fly, "Money is not an issue. Anyway, I have some places I would really like to see...while I'm healthy and in between treatments..."
"Castle." Stretching his name out, concern showing on her face.
"I know, I know. Its big...it's a lot to ask." He paused again, suddenly very serious, "Beckett I would never, I mean never, do anything to harm your career...your future with the PD, it is of greatest importance to me. It's just..."
When he did not speak, she leaned forward, "It's what Castle?"
"I don't know how much time I have. I don't want to waste it. I'd like to travel...lots to see...and I'd prefer to do that with you."
The waiter arrived and after confirming they had everything they needed, he was off. Castle spoke first, "I have an abbreviated version of my suggestion. I'm going to the Galapagos Islands, as soon as possible, for two or three weeks. Do a trial run with me, I know you have a lot of time saved, cause you work to much and too hard."
She started to speak, but he held up hand, signally her to wait, "But...no more of that for now. Think about it and let me know. Now...lets eat."
He reached across the table and snatched on her large tempura shrimp. She laughed at him holding up her fork and twirling it slowly, "Castle you do that again, and I'll stab you with this."
XX
As a child she had been chased by two large dogs on the beach. Someone decided the leash law didn't apply to them. At the last minute her father had swooped in with long stick in hand, the animals had skidded to a stop. When the owner arrived Beckett wondered if her father was going to use the stick on the guy. She had never seen her dad that angry. The owner apologized profusely and fled with his dogs. Jim Beckett soothed his wide eyed daughter.
In the weeks and months that followed nightmares began to haunt her sleep. She had variations of the beach chase. Always finding her legs to short to get away, or the sand to soft to allow traction. Just before the animals reach her she'd wake up. Each time her heart would be pounding, her skin coated in sweat. It took some time, but finally the night terrors ended and when she was a teenager her parents bought her an Irish Setter for her first dog. The fear was over and her love for dogs ensued.
It was now 2:15 am on Sunday morning. She was sitting on the side of her bed, skin coated in sweat, heart pounding. There were no dogs in this dream. It was much worse. She had bolted upright as Castle's hand slipped from hers. In the dream he was hanging over the side of a building, their hands locked, but she did not have the strength to hold on to him. He had looked at her without fear and said, "Let go, be safe." As he fell she screamed, waking herself and stumbling back to reality.
It was not the first of these dreams. They'd started shortly after she told her of his diagnosis. The dreams were all variations on the same scene. She could not hold him, or could not get to him in time. Always being too late and always watching him die.
She was starting to worry about her own well-being. She found herself frequently on the edge of tears. When Castle had told her the car was hers, she'd melted down and clung to him, like she'd done with her father so many years before. She was hearing changes in his speech with vague references to death and his inevitable end. It would set her off, urging her to flee, and wondering where to go?
She was fully awake, so she moved to her kitchen for some hot milk. Hopefully it would calm her, help her sleep.
It didn't work.
Instead she began to pace and think about his request for her to travel with him. She knew she had to tell him no. She was not a millionaire like him. She could not just disappear for weeks on a whim. Then she stumbled on her own word, feeling her throat thickened at the thought. It was not a whim. It was his response to life dealing it's most difficult card. The end. Still uncertain, but certainly nearer than ever imagined. He was reacting to his new course, he only asked for one thing, that she come along.
But she could not go, and she dreaded the telling him so.
AN: Well, I was blown away by your responses to Chapter 5. I'm pleased your reading and providing your thoughts. Thanks for taking the time for this little tale. As always I am thankful for these character that Mr. Marlowe created for us. Madreag.