Falling Down
Chapter 8
It's funny the sounds we can hear over a cacophony of noise. Like a friends laugh or a vibration of a muted cell phone. She first heard his door knob shake, then Captain Montgomery's door swung open, he stood in the opening and leaned out, barking, "Beckett, my office."
Her stomach lurched and her mind raced, what's this about?
When she walked in he just pointed at the chair in front of his desk. She sat, but then he stood and walked around the desk, taking the chair next to hers. Her heart rate clicked up a notch. This was very unusual. He first looked at his folded hands and then over to her, eyes revealing nothing, "Beckett do you like your work her at the 12th?"
For a moment she couldn't even process the question. Reasoning, your boss doesn't ask if you like your job, unless, you're about to be promoted or fired. She couldn't be promoted she didn't have enough seniority. She moved to part two and could not think of anything that would get her fired. Tentatively she offered, "Yes sir, I do."
"I thought so." He paused, his eyes returned to his hands. Then he spoke to them. "I've had a number of detectives through this precinct...some good, some...not so good, and then...there's you."
"Sir?" It was strained and reflected her heart, which was now racing uncontrollably.
He smiled, "Calm down detective. Nothing's wrong! In fact quite the opposite." He shifted so he looked directing at her, "I had a call today from an FBI agent in Washington DC." He paused to let it sink in a bit.
"We...we don't have any cases that involve the FBI, so...why would they call sir?
"They weren't calling about a case. They were calling about you."
"Me? Why would the FBI call about me?"
"He was asking for my permission to contact you."
"For what sir?" Her confusion no longer masked.
"They want you to interview for a position. Apparently they were impressed with your work last year and, based on what Agent Shaw had to say about you, they think you would be a great asset to the Bureau."
He waited but she didn't have any words to offer at the moment. Her heart was still racing, but now her head was spinning. Finally she sputtered out, "But why me?"
Montgomery laughed again, "When I said there were none like you, I meant it. You're a cut above the rest Beckett. You see further, and you see quicker. You get the best out of your team. I've known from early on, that my time with you would likely be interrupted by someone, or some agency, trying to steal my best. The call came sooner than I expected."
"Sir, I...I don't know what to say...don't know what to think. That was never...never on my radar. I like it here. I like what I do. You know how strongly I feel about, Esposito and Ryan...even Castle. We really work well together."
He smiled, "I know all those things Beckett. But as your boss, I cannot be selfish with your future. I want the best for you...and this is a great opportunity."
They chatted for a few more minutes, he said to expect the call, and then he sent her back to work.
She returned to her desk, still shocked by the turn of events. The FBI. Really, the FBI wanted to interview her. She never felt there was anything above being an NYPD detective. But after a few years into it, she knew there were higher tiered jobs. Still she loved being at the 12th and could not imagine not having this as part of her everyday life, Lanie, Espo, Ryan and?
When she was a child, she and her father had been sailing. He had sailed as a child and then in high school and college. He wanted the same experience for his daughter. When the opportunity arose, they'd rent small sail boats on vacation or just a special week-end. He told her that when the wind catches the sails, to him, it felt like a hand had slipped under the boat and simply lifted it a foot or two and then skimmed it across the water. It felt like nothing in the world. But he reminded her of the other side, when the wind died, and suddenly, you found yourself bobbing and waiting. It was not pleasant.
After the and, in her sentence was the name Castle. The very reciting of her friends and co-workers names, inevitability led her to him and it knocked the wind out of her. She felt queasy and confused.
She was brought back to the moment by another familiar sound, clear to her, above the buzz of the office. A paper cup sliding across her desk. Connected to an arm, and a face with warm blue eyes. She looked up, almost in fear that her eyes, her face would reveal her troubled heart.
"Good morning detective." He greeted cheerily.
"Castle...what are you doing here?" Sounding more defensive than she meant to.
"I'm bringing a drug addict, their drug of choice."
She smiled at his pun, "Cute."
He stared at her for a second, and then asked, "Are you OK? You look a little pale?"
She sipped at her coffee and let out a small groan of pleasure. "I'm fine, and this is so good."
"Yeah, they do it right."
After another drag on the cup, she looked up and over the top of the cup, "Hey, follow me to the break room."
"What, you want me to make you another cup already?"
"No dummy, I want to talk to you."
He followed and as they both passed the door, she turned, "Can you close it?"
"Gee Beckett, what's up?"
"I'm...I "
"You're what?"
Without fussing she jumped in, "A few minutes ago Montgomery called me in..."
"Are you in trouble?"
She held up her hand, "Hush, let me finish." She paused and took a deep breath, "He said he'd gotten a call from the FBI in DC this morning, they wanted permission to call and interview me for a job..."
At that moment, the door behind Castle swung open as one of the staff walked in aiming their cup at the coffee machine, offering a flat, "Morning." Neither Beckett or Castle responded. Beckett fidgeted, Castle turned and stared out into the bullpen. The intruder was gone in less than a minute.
"Anyway, I don't know when or what, but...the FBI! Can you believe it?" Her eyes danced, but he could see something else.
He smiled broadly, "Wow Beckett, what took them so long… and yeah, I do believe it?"
"You don't even seemed surprised?" Sounding a bit let down.
"I'm not! I write books about you. I knew in the first week what's taken them years to figure out." He turned and could see Espo and Ryan glancing in their direction, "If we weren't in public, I'd give you a giant FBI hug." He shook his head, "You've done really good Kate, I'm so excited for you."
Her mouth dropped in appreciation but her heart felt a pang. He was so good to her. Both knew what this change could mean for 'them.' But he never missed a beat, just cheered her on.
"Castle...thank you." She stepped up to him and put her hand on his chest, "I'm glad you're the first to know."
XX
Around lunch time he asked if she was hungry, suggesting he'd get lunch for them. She declined saying she didn't have much appetite yet.
At 1:15 he stood, telling her he needed to get home and do some writing. If a body dropped, she could give him a call. But before leaving he leaned down, she met his eyes, "I am so excited for you Kate." She beamed back a smile she simply could not repress.
As he walked, she studied him. To her his pace was slower with none of the usual bounce in his step. His shoulders seemed slightly slumped. She did not mean to and she did not want to add to his burden. All she wanted was to make what he was facing a bit easier. This new thing did not feel like it would help at all.
She thought about the recent days and shook her head in disbelief. Life was serving her good and bad, sweet and bitter and suddenly her plate was overflowing. For every happiness there was an equal serving of sorrow, and sprinkling of pain.
XX
His exhaustion was like a heavy coat as he arrived home. He knew there was nothing physically wrong. It was plain and simple depression. The developments at the precinct were a shock. He was happy for her. He honestly wanted the best for her. But he felt at this moment in time, he needed her more then ever.
When he was given the news of his diagnosis, his first thought was of her. He could not understand how he could go somewhere, go away, without her. He could not reconcile the loss of her, in his own death. How he could face a day with her not in it. And now, now the FBI was knocking at her door.
The words of his doctor rang in his ears, "You need someone who can be with you at the beginning and...at the end." The doctor's reasoning was now illustrated by life itself. People, friends, and loved ones move on. It is the certainty that nothing is certain, that makes life, life. Here he was having to face unforeseeable events, not just in his life, but in his partner's as well.
He fell asleep on the sofa, it seemed the best escape.
Something startled him. He'd left his phone in his pant pocket. It shook and brought him back. He held it up and he saw Beckett's face on the screen, then the text. Do you have a few minutes to talk?
He righted himself, took a deep breath, and typed back, Sure. I'll call.
He smiled at her response. I'm at your front door.
He walked over and let her in and laughed. "You could of just knocked."
"I didn't want to intrude, you know, if you were busy..." She tilted her head and laughed, "or sleeping."
"Hey," his voice groggy, "I fell asleep," added a yawn, "but I'm never too busy for you Ms. FBI."
He looked at her, and re-ran the conflicting thoughts and the storm that had raged all afternoon in his head. He was still sorry about the travel request, and regretted it now. It wasn't that he didn't want her along, he did. But what he really wanted was to know that she would be here, at this new beginning and the uncertain end. He needed her friendship more than anything. Love be damned. But that had all changed. She could not travel...and now she may not even be here in New York.
He studied her as she pulled off her coat and settled on the sofa. She, as always, pulled her legs up and wrapped her arms around them. He didn't need to ask why she was here. He knew. She could no longer hide things from him.
In the last three years he'd watched her in every situation. He anticipated what she would say, before she even spoke. She was now staring up at him. He smiled back.
He spoke first, "I want to tell you something."
"But, I came to tell you something."
"I know. But let me go first...it's my house."
She laughed, "But I'm your guest, I should be first."
"Please Beckett."
She huffed, "Proceed Mr. Castle."
"I want you to know what's important to me...want you to never lose sight of it." He paused, "Our friendship! It means the world to me. I asked you to travel, but didn't spend time considering that the asking might harm our friendship. Kate! I do not want that to ever happen! So I'm OK with your decision. But..."
She could hold back now more, "But what?"
"But the travel question is...ancient news. Right?
"Not ancient..."
It was his turn to smile, "OK the current event, is the FBI...so how was your day with that news?"
Her head dropped, then popped back up, "It was crazy. I had to pinch myself just to make sure I wasn't making it up. I still can't believe it." She beamed, but only for a few beats.
"But?"
"But, why now? I don't have time or the will to think about the FBI, but it is so big!"
"What does that mean?"
"Castle, we have something really big on our horizon. A battle to fight, appointments and treatment..."
He leaned forward, and stared. It brought her to a halt, "Kate, those are my problems, my life, what I have been deal with. Your life is it's own, and it's taking a wild turn. A great opportunity has come to you. That is what you should be concerned with now. The FBI will not alter our friendship. It will just create a big gap physically. There's Skype, and Zoom, we'll continue as friends."
She groaned, "Why now? I don't want to work more, I want to have more time to help you, like you asked me to..."
"You have already helped, a ton." He stood and moved to the opposite in the sofa. "Our next task, is your interview. Let's focus on that and see where it leads. I promise to not spit out my meds."
"Funny, real funny...Castle...I really would like to go with you, and its not ancient news, it's at the very forefront of my thoughts, but between work..and the FBI interview…."
He held up his hand, "No need to explain..."He beamed, "I trust you and take you at your word... I'm nervous for you on the FBI thing, I know how important it is to you." Another smile, "Now, how about a grilled cheese sandwich and some soup?"
It was her turn to smile, "I'd like that."
The remainder of the evening was fun in the kitchen, with one round of burned grilled cheese, a re-do followed by lots of laughter. They were back in the groove. Friends enjoying the simple pleasure of each others company.
When it was time for her to take her leave, Castle walked her to the elevator. As the doors began to shut, she shot out her arm and blocked the closing, "Will you be in tomorrow morning?"
"Of course Beckett. Have a good evening."
When the elevator doors closed, her eyes welled with tears. She couldn't go, but she felt terrible for being right. She let the sob she'd holding back all evening go, and felt the pain as her chest involuntarily spasm.
The new weight of the FBI was painfully heavy. She could not imagine worse timing. She had told him no on a brief vacation, but the FBI would be the end of them. No matter what he said. It would also be the end of everyone at the 12th.
XX
After she was gone Castle felt himself slipping. The fact that she could not accept the invitation was not a surprise., but now the FBI interview and potential job outside of New York was overwhelming. If asked, he would say it was the worst news he'd had in the last year, worse even than his cancer. The woman he loved, was about to be swept from his life. But he reasoned, if he truly loved her, there was nothing he could do but support her new career path. But for the cancer, he would follow her, but under the present circumstances that was a fantasy and not at all practical.
As he sat in the now dark loft, at the edge of his mind, a voice mumbled and reminded him that he was going die, and now, she would not even be with him. He didn't really know what was worse.
XX
The next afternoon she gave in, made the call, "Hey Dad"
"Katie! Its good to hear from. You sound like you have cold."
She went with it, "Yeah just the sniffles." Cautiously she asked, "Can I drop by?"
He laughed, "You never have to ask your dad if you can drop by."
"Thanks, can I bring you anything?"
"Nope, I'll have coffee ready for you. What time?"
"A little after 7."
"See you then."
XX
She didn't want to run to her dad and unload, but she needed to talk and he was a great listener.
As she drove across town she still struggled with her emotions. What was wrong her? She was like a car on ice, skidding everywhere.
When she arrived he was at the door and ushered her in.
After coffee, yogurt and some fruit. They settled in.
"Dad, my world is coming apart. You won't believe this but, the FBI wants to interview me, and I'm excited about what this could mean for my career. But..."
"But what dear?"
She took a deep breath, "Before the FBI popped up, Castle asked me to take a leave of absence, to travel with him. I told him no."
Jim Beckett knew this strong-willed child, the woman sitting before him had not changed a lot, even as an adult. He knew that Kathrine Beckett had to learn most lessons on her own. She was often too obstinate to instruct. Her training and police work had helped a great deal. It had made her more pliable, open to instruction. But inter-personally, she still did most of the work on her own. He could tell by her expression that Castle's request was a fresh wound for her. She may have said no, but it was not over for her. So he would listen and prod gently. At this moment, she was studying her hands.
"Are you OK Katie?"
She shook her no, "Dad...I..." And then the tears began.
Again, time had taught him. Be present, be supportive, but give her space. He stood and walked to the kitchen counter and grabbed a box of tissues. He sat the box before her, then briefly placed a hand on her shoulder, "There you go dear." He returned to his chair, and waited.
"Dad, I am just doing horribly with Castle being sick." She had to stop for air, "It feels like Mom all over again." She let out a gasp. Stopped again and took a couple of breath's than stuttered. "I find it hard to breathe at times. Hard to sleep. I tell myself to toughen up… it's not working."
"Have you talked to anyone about it?"
"No. I can't. Only you and Lanie know, besides his family."
"Katie have you talked to him?"
"Yes. No. We went for a lunch on Saturday, I drove his Ferrari...he said something and I burst into tears, grabbed him and held on like a drowned rat."
He smiled. That was not his bull-headed daughter. This a woman with a broken heart. He just wasn't sure why. He'd known she was close to Castle, but both of them dated and seemed to have busy private lives. Still when he'd seen then together, Castle had only eyes for her. But she didn't share that connection, or at least show that she did. He was starting to think he was wrong. "How did he react when you became so upset?"
"He was fine. He just held on, and soothed, like I'm sure he's done with Alexis many times. He seemed to know exactly what to do."
"Then what happened?"
"Nothing really. We had lunch and he asked me to take the leave, but then dropped the subject."
"He dropped it?"
"He told me to take some time. Think about. I saw him early today and started to tell him why I couldn't take the time off, but the FBI call came up first." She reached for a new tissue, and dabbed at her eyes. "Before I even explained why, he told me it was fine. Like he already knew what I'd say," She shook her head, tears again, "What mattered most to him, was our friendship." The last word came out in two pieces. She held the tissues to her eyes.
"Are you sorry you said no?"
"I just don't want him to go."
"Why Katie?"
"All this...stuff…is easier to handle if he's near." She shook her head, "I feel like a parent, making sure their child is within arms reach. Knowing they can keep them safe, keep harm away...how stupid is that Dad?"
"It's not stupid. After your Mom...I...I constantly fought that. If I had gone with...if I had not been so busy. If I'd asked her where she was going. I could have protected her...kept her safe...kept from harm. If and...and if, and if."
He looked up at his daughter, the tears where still running.
"When the booze took over...it was me trying to hide from the 'what ifs.'" Like his daughter his gaze had dropped to the kitchen table. He felt her bump against him, her hand on his shoulder. He stood and pulled her close. He heard her chant the same words over and over.
"I can't lose him Dad. I can not lose him.'
He simply held her.
After she calmed he asked her to tell him about the FBI. She brightened a bit, he was pleased to see her now red eyes sparkle.
XX
Tamanee Hester had been his travel agent, forever. She handled all the arrangements for Black Pawn. Castle also used her for all his personal travel as well. He guessed she'd been everywhere at least once. She keep great notes and knew all the tricks.
He smiled when he heard her laugh over the phone, "Galapagos? Really? Never been there...but it's on my list. How soon?"
"Soon Tam, I need break! I'd like go in the next seven to ten days."
"And for how long?"
"I'm thinking two to three weeks. If you can give me some pointers on time zones, available, accommodations…you know the drill."
"How many are going?"
"Just me this time. Alexis and Mom are busy. I need to get away and re-fire the creative juices."
"I understand. I'll get back to you later today, or first thing in the morning, at the latest."
"Thanks Tam!"
AN: Thanks to each of you for taking the time to read this story, to follow, to like and for your many comments. Madreag.