Falling Down
Chapter 9
When she arrived home after visiting her dad, she felt herself smiling. She felt better, dad often did that for her. She decided on a bath, a glass of wine and a book. She read until ten, then quickly fell asleep.
The road was dark, so dark she could barely see. No moon, no street lights, just pitch black. She could feel him beside her. As they made their way through a dark countryside she did not recognize, they came upon a sign, One Lane Bridge Ahead - Caution. It was an old bridge, one of those with a wooden cover. The once firm road switched to wooden slats that made a unique sound as the tires slapped against wood. In her mind it got even darker. Castle slowed down.
They proceed a bit further, but then he stopped, open the door and got out. He was concerned about the safety of the structure, "This thing looks hundreds of years old."
She walked beside, grabbed his hand and whispered, "Castle be careful. Look before you step."
"And how can I do that love...I can't see a thing."
She stopped and grabbed his arm, "What did you call me?"
Without hesitation he repeated, "Love, I called you love."
"Castle we're partners, not lovers."
She heard him laugh, "No, I'm a partner for you, but to me...you've always been my love. Come on Kate, everyone knows I love you...except you."
Before she could respond she heard a splintering noise and a crash. She felt him being pulled from her grip, she turned and caught his hand with both of hers. She was pulled to the ground, landing on her chest with a thud, her arms against the rough wood surface.
In horror she looked down. She had Castle by one arm, and below him, she could see faint light reflecting off a small river. She guessed it was a hundred feet down far below his dangling body. She cried, "Castle, hold on...bring your other hand up."
He looked up at her, and for an instance she could clearly see his face. He smiled, "I can't Kate, I love you..."
She watched as his body disappeared into the darkness of the night, she screamed, "Castle, Castle, no..."
She bolted upright. She was perspiring, dragging her hand across her brow she could feel the dampness, her hair matted against her face. The clock flashed 11:47. The power must have gone off.
An hour later, face dry and with a new dry T-shirt on, she climbed back into bed.
At 3:12, her eyes landed on the clock. She sprang up, again. It was her own voice that had shattered her sleep. The dream was not as vivid this time, but again she was soaked in sweat. She remembered losing Castle, unable to rescue him as he slipped away. Yelling out his name, over and over.
Calm did not return until quarter to five that morning. She forsook the idea of sleep. She needed to escape her bed of anguish, She showered, dressed and headed into to work.
XX
On his way to the precinct he stopped at the coffee shop for their coffee and her pastry.
As he exited, his phone rang. It was Gina's ring tone. He stopped at one of the tables that lined the street for the patrons and sat his things down and took the call.
Earlier, as he was leaving the loft he'd seen Tamanee's email with her rough outline of the trip, she'd cc'd Black Pawn. He didn't mind, they'd certainly have to know. The problem was he hadn't told them, yet.
When the phone rang and it was Gina, he knew what to expect, "So you taking a trip? When were you going to tell your employer?"
"Gina, I don't work at Black Pawn, they're the company that publishes my books. We've had a good writer-publisher relationship...up to now. Do I need to make some changes?"
Her tone much less abrasive, "Knock it off Rick, you know what I meant. Maybe I should just ask, when were you going to tell me?"
"I don't even have the plans firmed up Gina, you saw Tamane's email, what exactly would I tell you?"
"Fine. Tell me you didn't ask your partner to go!" But before he could respond she added, "Take my word, don't test your, what do you call it, friendship, you'll only be disappointed." The words did exactly what she had intended, he felt a flutter of sadness wash over him. The fact that Beckett has said no, hit him anew.
He paused for a second, took a deep breath, he spoke as calmly as he could muster, "Gina! I'm the only one going to Peru, no one else."
Her voice now conciliatory, "Can I make a comment? As your editor?"
"I'm surprised you're asking." His voice again edged with impatience, "What is it?"
"Why do you have to go alone? And, wouldn't it be better if you had a companion along, for company and...whatever else may comes up?"
He knew what she meant, and what she didn't say. 'In case your cancer tries to kill you on the spot, don't you need someone there to catch you when you fall?' "Gina, I just had some treatment. I'm not weak, not tired and, I'm not feeble. I feel certain I can ambulate on my own."
"That's not what I meant!"
"Fine, what did you mean?"
"I don't think you should be alone. Period."
This took him back. It was not her normal 'get to work speech.' Nor was it her normal sarcastic berating. It was instead a tone he seldom heard from her. He remained quiet.
"I...I understand you don't trust me and...I know...I do not deserve your trust. You being sick...diagnosed, has really hit me, Rick." She paused, he could hear her breathing. When she spoke again, it was yet another, different tone, almost far away. "We think we have time. Time to fix things broken...fences that need mending. Apologies...time to ask for forgiveness for... sins committed." Another pause, "And then...then we get the word..."
When it was clear she wasn't going to continue, he spoke, all the impatience gone, "Gina. You don't have to fix anything. We're fine...that's all behind us. But please don't worry about me, I've got lots of days ahead."
After a few beats she was back, "Rick...I just don't want you alone. Give it some thought. I can make room in my schedule." When he said nothing, "We can talk later, after you sort out the details.'
XX
Ten minutes later he walked into the Twelfth, delivering their fairly hot coffee. Somewhere between ordering and arrival his world had returned to gray.
He strolled over to Beckett's desk, she looked up with a smile. He sat her cup and small bag before her. She looked unusually tired.
"Thanks Castle."
"No problem Beckett."
"I need this...bad."
"Are you OK? You...look a little tired."
"Just not a very good night."
Which was far from accurate, it was a horrible night. She'd had two nightmares and spent two of her seven hours of planned sleep, pacing. Heart thumping, skin clammy. Twice in a that short period Castle had again slipped from her hands. She had lost him each time and had awakened screaming his name. But she would not burden him with her own personal sleep demons.
He looked concerned, "You can't blame it on my grilled cheese or soup that was two days ago."
"Nope...just things on my mind."
"Please tell me it was not me stealing your sleep. I just got earful from Gina."
"About what? I thought you were ahead on your writing."
"I am. It was about traveling, and amends for past..." He shook his head wearily, "What she called, sins."
Beckett's stomach twisted with the news. Her discussion with her father was still fresh in her head, and now Gina, moving into comfort her ex. She stood, eyes blinking, "I need to run to the restroom."
Then she was gone. In an instant Castle found himself alone. But not for long.
Espo and Ryan appeared, as though they'd taken the cue. Ryan speaking first, "What's with her...she's been real edgy lately." But before Castle could say a work, Esposito added, "Did you do something to bug her?"
Castle shrugged, "No, not me! I just got here."
Espo shook his head and glared, "We'll see...you have a special way of tormenting her bro."
"Javier, I am not tormenting her."
"Well...she's one unhappy camper...it better not be you."
Castle decided to shift directions, "What are you guys working on, maybe I can help."
The two detectives smile at each and did a fist bump, "Yeah. Right this way." Pointing back at their desks.
XX
Beckett, again found the furthest empty stall, flopped down the lid on the toilet and sat. She wrapped her arms around herself and rocked, taking deep breaths, trying to control all the conflicting emotions.
Speaking to the door "You need to get together. Now!"
XX
The balance of the day had gone much better.
First he was here.
Second Gina wasn't.
And third the boys had keep him busy. So she enjoyed the best of both worlds, Castle within reach, within her sphere of safety, and occupied by the boys. She got a ton done.
All four went to lunch. They did the usual banter. She found comfort in these three men. They treated her better than an equal. They were all friends and allowed each other the give and take of real friendship.
When they returned, the three guys headed back to their record searching while Beckett worked on some overdue reports.
At about four o'clock she could feel his eyes on her. She would not tell him, because she hadn't heard him slip into his chair.
"Are staring at me Castle?"
"Why would I do that. I'm reading emails." He lied.
"Right! Liar! You know I have this spidy sense thing, and it detected a stare."
"Must of have been one of the losers from downstairs, walking by and drooling over the green-eyed detective."
Her breath hitched at his back-handed compliment. How did he do that? "Yeah, must have been." They both smiled over the mutual lies.
At the end of the day. As they walked to her car they chatted about nothing. The nearer they got the vehicle, the stronger her need to not let him go grew. She could hear her thoughts roaring, her crazy logic at work, she needed to keep him near. He was going home and unbeknownst to him, he carried her peace of mind with him.
As he turned to go, she put her hands together, keeping them to herself. She did not want another outburst on her part. "Castle, have good evening. I'll call if a body drops."
"Beckett, you can call for any reason you want. Until tomorrow."
XX
The evening at home was quiet. Beckett felt like she could finally get some rest. She drank an extra glass of wine as she got ready for bed. It normally helped her sleep a little deeper. Turned the roar down in her head.
At 10:15 her phone shook, she hoped it wasn't dispatch. It wasn't.
To her dismay, it was Gina Cowell, the text was short. Detective. Thanks for telling him no. You did the right thing. Appreciate it. Gina.
The tears were back, along with their nagging friends; angry, regret and overwhelming frustration.
XX
The days passed quickly as he made preparations for the trip. He continued to spend part of the day at the Twelfth. The boys teased him about running off to paradise, alone! They added taunts of, "Some stud you are...or...Hey Mr. Page Six, where are all the ladies?" He laughed. Beckett did not.
In fact Beckett was quiet, even by Beckett standards. One afternoon in the break room he asked, "Hey are you upset about something? Did I say or do something?" She just shook her head no. He did not want to leave on Sunday with a strain between them. He could kick himself for even having asked her. He even began to re-think sharing his cancer with her. She was not herself, and he could not seem to get through. She'd simply shut down.
At the end of the day he asked if she had time for a quick bite, she declined saying she had some plans, but first she had to button up a couple things at work
He slipped away with a quiet, "Until tomorrow Beckett." She did not respond.
XX
They'd had an early dinner, Alexis had to run to a friends to get ready for a test. She too was not happy to have to stay in New York while he, "gallivanted off."
"You sound like my mother, gallivant is one of her words."
"I guess she's said it so many times, it seems like mine now. I could just say, 'run off.'
"You know Alexis, I could get a complex. You accuse me of running off, and Beckett will hardly speak with me.
"Well maybe we're both upset with you."
"And way would either of you be upset with me?"
"Really Dad? I'll just let you think about that."
"Well..." But stopped when his phone shook on the coffee table, Beckett's face lite up the screen.
"See Dad, looks like she has something say."
"Probably a body has dropped."
"That is so gross...answer the phone."
"Detective Beckett, let me guess, somebody got dead?"
The was silence last for longer than usual, "No Castle, sorry to disappoint, its just...I wanted to ask if you have time for coffee."
"Let me check my dance card." He paused.
Before he could speak she responded, "I don't want to interrupt..."
"Beckett stop! I was joking. Alexis is heading out, I'm alone."
"Can you meet me at the little shop just north of my place?"
"Of course, fifteen minutes?"
"Make it thirty I just got home and want to change."
"I'll see you there." He ended the call.
Alexis sat smiling, in a deep voice, "Ugh, Beckett won't talk to me."
"What does that mean?"
"Sometimes you two act like my teenage friends." Shaking her head, "For heaven's sake me nice to her tonight."
"I'm always nice to her."
"Just don't be a guy. Be honest...and listen, for once."
"Yes daughter."
XX
For Beckett the week had been busy on one hand, but at same time, painfully slow. It had been just days since the FBI call had come in. She could not understand why his trip and the FBI thing had to happen at the same time. Between his condition, her rejection of his request to accompany him, Gina's patting-her-on-the-back text for keeping a distance between them, and now the FBI, she felt like she could explode.
She paced in front of the coffee shop, fretting about everything.
"Hey Beckett, what are doing out here walking around like speed-walker?"
She looked at him him nervously, her smile tight, "Just thinking."
He grabbed the door handle, "Let's think over coffee."
After they got the order and sat, she was remained quiet and studied her cup.
He could tell she was simmering. He'd seen it many times in the past. "OK Kate, you don't have to hold back, it's me. I pretty sure you didn't invite me down here to watch you inspect your coffee cup." Trying to to not sound irritated, but failing, "What's going on?"
She came to, "No, I didn't ask you here for that, I...I want to talk to you about the FBI interview."
He had been expecting this conversation. They were good friends and they talked about many things. Talked through things. For her stuff had to incubate into her head, but he knew she would processing it, and would have more to say about the job offer. In her time. He'd practiced how he would respond, in order to guard his fears, or at least keep them buried and far from her sight. He'd decided to that keeping it light was best, "So, are you nervous? Excited?"
She shook head up and down, "Some of both, but...it's something else." She paused, then looked up with a hard stare, her cop stare, "Its doesn't feel right!"
This was not what he'd expected, or practiced for, "What? What do you mean, it doesn't feel right. It's the FBI."
She shook her head, like he'd seen her do while study a murder board, "Its just a gut thing? You know things feel off in our cases, and it helps me turn, to look other places. This offer has that same feel. Like your crazy theories to explain… the unexplainable."
"You mean the things...you laugh at?"
"Yeah those!" It was her turn to laugh for the first time this evening, "My question is...why now? It's been nearly a year since we worked with the FBI on anything. So why are they knocking on my door, today?"
"Who cares! The important thing is they're at the door, so...carpe diem."
She shook her head disagreeing, "It's just feels off or I'm off. I've got too many things on my plate...too much to consider."
"Pray tell?"
He watched as her eyes glistened and then her head dropped. Crap, he thought, where is Beckett? In a low voice, "Come on Kate... tell me whats going on, please?"
She looked up, but her face had gone ridged. What ever had pushed her button, had resolved into anger. "You know your 20 of 20 women thing, well it clearly applies to 20 of 20 men! How stupid can you be Castle?"
He wasn't sure how to respond, to say she was emotional, would be an understatement. He didn't wait long.
Her eyes were now smoldering, "You think I'm some superhero. Well I'm not. And between the BS at work today by Esposito and Ryan about you traveling alone...the FBI...the damned trip itself...your health...I'm over edge here Castle."
He needed to calm her down, this was unlike her, he gave her a sympathetic smile, "Hey I feel like I need the cool headed Detective Beckett to help me here, I don't know what to say..."
"Well to damned bad Castle, she's out! And this Beckett is taking all crap on the chin."
He took a deep breath, another try, "Just do the interview, see what they have. Call me, text me, we can talk about it. But don't worry, its just an interview."
She sat back and looked out the window and sighed offering a tacit agreement.
"While you save the world...and deal with the FBI, I'll go play.
She huffed, "Lucky me."
"Hey, I invited you...I had no idea you would be so busy."
"Shut up Castle and drink your coffee."
AN: Thanks for reading and your comments. Madreag.