Falling Down
Chapter 14
It was a twenty minute ride to the Finch Bay Hotel. The room was stunning. Two queen beds sat side-by-side, covered in white linen duvets. The bed frames were made of wood, lightly stained, then varnished to a high gloss. The color matched the wood planked floors. Castle's room sat on a corner with a view that looked out over the island to the north, and the west, with an L shaped deck. Each wall had its own sliding door. The ceilings were high with fans that hummed as they moved the warm tropical air.
Beckett sat her carry-on near the door. Castle walked slowly out onto the deck and sat gingerly in one of the chairs. He pulled out his phone. Beckett heard him say, "Hey Pumpkin."
She picked up her bag and tossed it onto one of the beds. Flipping it open she pulled out a white cover-up, then underwear and finally her overnight kit. She closed the bathroom door, turned on the shower and stripped. The water felt wonderful. She could feel the grime of her journey disappearing under a deluge of soap, shampoo and water.
On the ride up to the hotel, he'd rested with his eyes closed. She thought he'd fallen asleep when he broke the silence, "Beckett, let's rest for a bit, afterwards I'll arrange a room for you."
She said nothing. She'd already decided that wasn't going to happen. She would not leave him alone. At least not on this first night. He was supposed to be in the hospital and, but for the need of the beds, he'd still be there. She questioned whether she should have simply told the hospital no, and that he needed another night. But it was done and they were here.
After drying and dressing she found him still on the deck. He was staring out at the ocean. "Is that beautiful or what?"
"It is Castle." Turning to face him, "How are you feeling? Can I get you something?"
He looked at her and she struggled to understand the expression. It was both happy and sad, maybe a bit forlorn. "I'm good. Alexis was happy to hear I was out of that little hospital, but I think she was more pleased that you're here with me."
"I'm not sure, you're happy I'm here." Before he could respond she added, "I didn't want to intrude on your time away I...I was just worried and made the decision to..."
He held up his hand, "Beckett. I am delighted that you're here. When I asked you a few weeks ago, it was because you were the only person I wanted with me. So, trust me, I'm a happy camper."
"I know you say that, but you looked so sadly at me a few minutes ago, it made me wonder if you'd changed your mind."
"No! Somethings never change and you being here with me is one of those." He again held up his hand, pointing to the sky like he had an idea. "But, first things first, I need to find you a room."
"Not quite yet. I just took a shower...feel clean and the air is wonderful. I just want to sit here, and take in this fantastic view with you."
"You look great in that dress thing."
She laughed, "It's a cover up Castle! Shaking her head, "You need to get out more."
"Well it is certainly a not a cop outfit...not something I'm used to seeing you in."
She sat silently and studied the island below. Castle seemed content to do the same. She laid back in the chair and pulled her feet up. The only thing missing was a swimming pool. She'd seen one on the way in and hoped to have some time to swim. But most of all she wanted this time to never end. She knew the world of cancer and doctors had no place here. She wanted to tell him the truth, tell him how frightened and upset she was. How anxious she'd been since he told her. But also she wanted to tell him how important he was to her. That he was more than a partner, and what she thought of a world without him. She stopped mid thought, as she felt the familiar burn of tears, she did not want to cry in front of him, again.
"Kate!" His voice was soft and nearer than she thought is should be. She rolled her head to look at him. To her surprise he was kneeling beside her, "Why the tears?"
"Castle, you scared me. I didn't hear you move...must be loosing my edge."
"No, you're just tired. When did you eat last?"
"I've done some snacking, I'm OK."
He stood and walked back to the table in the corner of the room. "The room service here is very good, come and look at this menu, let's order something."
She walked over and stood near him, but did not look at the menu. He looked at her, noticing her head down. "Kate what's wrong?"
She looked up, the tears had not stopped, "Castle… a favor?"
"What?" Putting a hand on her shoulder. "Tell me what's wrong."
She faced him, with her arms at her side, "Just hold on to me for a moment...I've been so upset...so worried." Shaking her head in disgust, "I'm a mess, and..."
He pulled her in, feeling her arms wrap around his waist as she clung. He took in the fragrances of shampoo and soap, resisted the urge to kiss her shoulder and neck and settled for a light kiss to the top of her head. She felt wonderful in his arms. But he cautioned himself, started to let go.
She spoke faintly into his borrowed scrubs, "Not yet...don't let go."
He didn't know how long they stood like that, and didn't it matter, he was happy.
XX
The clock on the nightstand read 2:21am. He had tried to resist the urge to look at it, he didn't want to be awake, wanted to be rested for the next day. But he'd spent nearly all twenty-four hours in the hospital sleeping. His body was recovering and sleep remained allusive.
He rolled on his side and studied the sleeping form in the bed next to his. He smiled. She had told him after dinner that she didn't want her own room. She would use the other bed and remind him that she'd promised the doctor she'd watch over him.
"It's not like I'm a sleepwalker Beckett. You think I'm going to fall over the railing?"
"I'm staying Castle." Then a smile, followed by a yawn, "Tonight, I'm your keeper."
He smiled at the conversation, his keeper, was out like a light. But it was OK, he'd watch over her. He listened to her soft breathing, the rise and fall of her back, the fanning of hair across her pillow and shoulders. He knew there was not another place on this planet he'd rather be. Although it wasn't really clear why she'd come. Obviously the phone thing had freaked her out, but to travel this far was a mystery. Then another smile, wasn't Kate Beckett always a mystery to him?
The person across from him, was a different Beckett. Not the hard cop, but instead an emotional, or maybe simply a vulnerable woman. Beset with worry, hard to read, hard to figure how to respond to. It was wholly unlike her. He was not offended, just a bit off balance, unsure of how to react. A hug? She was the one who must have hit her head. Beckett didn't do hugs. Didn't cling. In fact she rarely needed anyone or anything. But here she was, with him.
When he woke again, it was 5:15. He slipped into the bathroom, washed his face and pulled on a pair of jogging shorts. He combed his hair, and studied his face in the mirror. He still looked like crap.
The early morning air was fresh with a coolness only the mornings could offer. The wind blowing up the hill from the ocean was gentle. He stood looking out over the lush green island when he heard the deck creak and felt arms wrap around his waist, her head laid against his back. "Don't fall over."
He laughed, "Some keeper you are Beckett! You sleep like the dead." He felt her squeeze his waist.
"I was so tired...didn't know I could fall asleep that fast. You sleep OK?"
"Off and on, too much sleep in the hospital. I kept waking up and watching you."
"Tell me I wasn't drooling...or snoring?"
"Neither. You're as stunning asleep as when you're awake. A treat to have you here."
She swatted his back and moved next to him on the railing. "Don't try to flatter me Castle!"
He turned to face her for the first time. Instead of speaking he just studied her. She lasted for only a few beats then looked down at the railing, "I must look terrible, I'm sorry I just crawled out of bed...saw you standing here, and wanted to surprise you."
He spoke softly, almost a whisper, "You never need to apologize to me for crawling out of bed, and wrapping your arms around me. No, you do not look terrible." He paused again, "But tell me what's going on?"
She looked up at his question, "What? Me trying to surprise you?"
"Beckett! You wouldn't buy that answer in any interrogation."
She smiled, but weakly, "Is this is an interrogation?"
"You going to answer me?"
"Could you feed me first?"
XX
They decided to use the dining area near the hotels swimming pool. She was rested and excited about being in the islands. He smiled contentedly as he listened to her chatter and drink her coffee.
"How are you feeling Castle?"
He laughed softly, "I feel very good, compared with the last couple of days." His face turned serious, "Plenty's and I have got to sort out the medication thing...that was not acceptable."
It was her turn for serious, "Are you worried about the medication?"
"Not as worried as you look."
She moved her gaze to her lap, her brow furrowed.
"Beckett, I think I'm better because...because you're here."
She looked up and shook her head, offering a goofy look, "Not hardly." The words reminded her of what the nurse had said less than twelve hours earlier.
He offered a buzzer sound, "Sorry young lady, wrong door..." Then prattled on, "Yes folks we unfortunately have a loser at today's breakfast."
She leaned forward and punched his arm, eliciting a whine, then, "Ouch! I'm sick...go easy."
"I thought you said I just made you better." Laughing at him.
His face calmed, his voice just above a whisper, "Kate, you do make me better."
She stood and stepped behind him, then leaned down and hugged him. Neither moved for thirty seconds. Without a word, she returned to her seat and picked a spot on the far horizon to place her eyes.
"Beckett, you need to talk to me. Tell me what's going on."
She turned her head towards him, eyes brimming, "I..." She stopped and covered her eyes with her right hand. He scooted towards her and gently fist tapped her knee.
"Kate, come on, talk to me."
When she spoke it was a voice clogged with emotion, "Look at me," waving her hand in front of her face, "I'm a mess...I'm sorry, I didn't come to cry...just needed to know..."
"To know what?"
Her head fell into her hand again, "That you...you were OK."
"You could have just called, I would have told you the truth...I won't lie to you Kate."
She shook her head, "Not good enough...I needed to see you...hold on a bit."
He laughed.
She looked indignant, "I'm crying and...you're laughing at me?"
"No! I am not laughing at you...just laughing at the hold on part...you're pretty clingy."
She sat up straight, "I am not clingy...and I do not cling." Again, another conversation re-running in her head. Clingy was how she'd described herself to Dr. Burke.
"Beckett you can clin...I mean, hold on anytime you want...I'm just not...accustomed to...such..."
She stood, "Can we go for a walk?"
XX
There was a trail that led to a lookout. The lush island was free of obstructions and fanned down to the sea. It was a world of deep greens, suspended at the edge of a turquoise blue ocean. The hotel had placed a bench for visitors to pause and contemplate the setting. She sat and pulled her legs up under her chin. Castle sat beside her, enjoying the morning, delighted in her presence.
She spoke to the sea, "I was reading a report last week...a simple detailing of a crime scene. I've written and read dozens, probably hundreds. In the box that lists, Extent of Injuries, the fatality box was checked." She paused and turned to look at him, "I started crying Castle. Sitting at my desk, in the middle of the Twelfth with tears running down my face." She paused again and huffed, "For once, everyone was busy, I did a high speed sneak to restroom, hid in a back stall and had a good cry."
His face showed his surprise, "You don't cry, and never over reports."
"No, I don.'t." Her eyes returned to the sea. Then in low, barely audible voice, "Until you."
"Me? What about me?"
She looked at him, her face asking, how stupid can you be, "Did you also have a fever the last couple days?"
Thoroughly confused, "What?"
Her voice edged with irritation, "I'm a mess, Castle...feel like I'm falling apart, emotionally falling down...it's all...it's all out of control...and if you can't figure it out there something wrong with you. So yeah it's because of you. This...this whole thing has hammered me..."
He had stood, but then plopped back down, rocked forward and put his elbows on his knees, his head in his hands, and groaned, "Kate, I seem to keep apologizing. I never intended to cause you such pain. When I asked you...brought you into this mess of mine, it was not to burden you. I needed your good cop sense, your detachment from me, to help pull me through..."
She huffed, "And look what you got!" Holding her hands out, presenting herself to him, cheeks streaked with tears and salt, "A partner who turned into a blubbering fool."
He sat up, and took her hand, his tone stern, "No, not a fool...don't say that...I've got a friend that cares more than I understood. Shame on me for misreading you..."
She schooled herself, sat up straight, "Castle, I didn't like the idea of this trip, you running off alone. I do not like you being away...I wish you wouldn't do this."
"Beckett, I don't have…," he paused, "I don't know how much time I have...I need to use it wisely."
"I understand and, don't know the solution, but...you away is very unpleasant for me...we need to sort things out."
He sat back, tried to relax, tried to assimilate all the information. The crying, the clinging, the police report. None of it fit the story of them. Suddenly she was changing all the rules, not acting like the ass-kicking cop, but more like a wounded lover. He had come to terms with his unrequited love for her. Knew she did not share the dull ache he felt whenever she was with him or away. She was free of that, it was why he'd gone to her for advice. She would give a cool, unemotional, point of view. But she had instead , gotten angry, she'd cried a lot. And now she'd come to find him, to make sure he was OK. It was, both complicated and confusing.
She started to talk, soft a first, "When I saw the deceased box checked on the form….I knew I couldn't live," she paused, having run out of breath. When she started again, it was only a rasp, "In a world were some form... says Richard Alexander Castle, is deceased. I can't be there, can't read that...don't want to ever see that piece of paper..." her voice becoming more and more shrill, "anywhere...at any time...do you understand, Castle?" She looked at him, cheek pink, eyes a mess and her beautiful face contorted.
He said nothing, but moved up against her and in a second pulled her into his arms. She laid her head against his neck. He kissed the top of her head, "Kate, Kate..."
It was ten or so minutes before she calmed down. She pulled away from him and sat up, tied to wipe away the tears but they were now dry lines of salt on her cheeks. She looked up at him, "This is really embarrassing, if you want to put me on a plane home, I'd understand."
"And why in the world would I want you back in New York. You're like my own personal Bellagio fountain." She swatted at him.
"I haven't been to Vegas in years."
"Well we can fix that."
"Oh yeah?"
"Any place in the world you want to go. Just say the word."
The mood was light again, the emotions had poured out and now, a calm.
"Beckett, I'd like to go back and lie down for a few minutes."
She spun and looked at him, concerned at the suggestion, "Is everything OK?"
He laughed, "I'm fine. Just not back to par yet. I'd like to go out this afternoon, a little driving tour, if you like to?"
"I would. I'd like to swim in the ocean."
"We can do that. Half an hour or so of rest, and I'll be good to go."
XX
It took him less than five minutes to fall a sleep. She had moved to the deck, put on her bathing suit and planned to sit in the sun, just read and soak up some rays. It didn't quiet work out as she planned.
After fifteen minutes, she moved inside to watch him. Then she gently laid on the bed beside him. She just wanted to be close. Just for a couple of minutes. What he didn't know wouldn't hurt him.
XX
He wasn't sure what time it was. The sleep had come fast, and hard. He was so tired he felt as though he was falling into a hole, as sleep pulled him under.
He remembered thinking about Beckett in a bathing suit on his deck. He was surprised at even that image's inability to keep him awake.
But now he was warm, really warm. He struggled to open his eyes and finally they obeyed. The fan had been turned off and it was too hot. But there was more, curled up beside him like a cat was Beckett. He had fallen asleep on his back, and while she was not near him, her hand was laying on his extended arm.
She looked very peaceful and, there was skin. Lots of skin. She still wore her two piece suit and looked wonderful next to him. Two days ago he would have thought it was a dream, but no more. She was here. Really here, and treating him like, like he didn't understand. He was still confused and saddened. This shift in her had caught him off guard. But he would not move, would not disturb her. He closed his eyes and listened to her soft breathing. He loved that sound. The fears that haunted him were pushed away. At least for now.
Within a few minutes of his waking she started to stir. He feigned sleep, heard her breathing return to normal. She started to move, but he took her hand.
"Hey Beckett, where you going?"
"Castle, I...I was tired and laid down next to you…looks like I feel asleep..."
XX
The afternoon was beautiful. The ride he'd arranged was in an old jeep with their seats slightly elevated. The driver was recommended by the hotel who bragged that this man knew places most drivers on the island had never even seen.
He drove them to a secluded beach where they walked on unspoiled sand. She flitted around, like a kid in a candy store. His energy level was still down, but he walked and took in the sights. Occasionally looking at the ocean.
"What do you think Castle. Now this is beautiful!" Waiving her arms, presenting the scene.
"You are beautiful Beckett, but you know that."
She stopped in her tracks, and looked at him. He struggled to interpret what it meant, there was a hint of sorrow, maybe even pity. It made him grimace. "Castle are you OK?"
"I'm fine Beckett, you just have more umph than me today."
She stepped close, wrapped her arms around his waist and hugged him. "You looked like something bit you toe, you sure you're OK?"
"I'm good. You go run, I'll laugh when you run out of gas."
She sprinted down the beach, skipping in and out of the surf.
He had never seen her so carefree, so happy. It brought him face to face with a facet of love he had only experienced in watching his daughter Alexis. Unbridled joy. It bubbled up and nearly took away his breath. He watched her with eyes wide. She spun and came running up to him, but just before she reached him she slid to a stop in the sand.
"Castle, are you OK?" She stepped closed put her hands on his upper arms. It looked like tears in his eyes to her.
He reached up rubbed his eyes, "I must have gotten some sand in my eyes. I was watching..."
She turned around to look, to see what he was reacting. There was nothing there but beach. "Watching what?"
"I was watching you Kate," He smiled sheepishly, "You looked so happy...it reminded of how wonderful life can be."
She stepped close and hugged him. "Castle…."
XX
Later that evening, as they sat on the deck watching the sun set, he decided it was time. He needed her to talk, to tell him what was going on. He knew she had been worried, and had flown to Ecuador to check on him. That fit the, first-through-the-door-Beckett that he knew, but the rest was not her, at least not the her he had seen.
"Beckett," she turned to look at him, "What were you doing in my bed this afternoon?"
She didn't answer immediately then offered, "I was just tired, thought I'd lay down for a few minutes...you were asleep."
"Unless I've lost my mind, there are two beds in the room behind me, so why were you on my bed?"
"You're bed looked more...comfortable to me." Followed with a weak smile.
"Beckett are you going to answer me, or not?"
"Yes, but first, tell me what was wrong on the beach this afternoon."
He sighed, took in a deep breath. "When you look at me...I can't read what your thinking. I thought I'd gotten pretty good at it over the last three years...but no more."
"What do you think you're seeing."
"I'm not sure Kate," he paused and swirled the wine in his glass, "It seems like...it might be...pity."
She sat up straight and swung to face him squarely, "Rick?"
But he cut her off, his tone firm, edging towards anger, "Beckett, the last thing I want from you...or anyone, is pity! If you think I'm dying, or half dead, fine...but I don't want your pity."
"Why would you say that? Why would you think that?"
He shook his head in disgust, "I've been stumbling around, following after you for three years...and you don't have an ounce of interest in me. I tell you...that..." He stopped, studied the horizon, "And then, you come from New York. You hug me, you climb in my bed, you treat me like….like a hurt child, or even a lover. Why Kate? Why now?"
"You make me sound terrible...I don't see you as a hurt child. You've got it wrong Castle! All wrong!"
"Then set me straight Beckett, cause I don't trust what I'm seeing. I meant it. I don't want your pity...you had no interest in me before I was sick, you don't have to feign it now." He stood and paced in circles. She remained quiet.
He stopped and stood before her, "You win! You're my favorite person in the world. I'm happy with you in my life. I'm good, but I hate pity." He shook his head, "It's one of the reasons I've told so few people about my...my thing. I don't want them looking a me like…"Oh it's so sad Ricky..." using a mocking voice, "It's not Beckett. It's just life...no one gets out alive." His voice had taken on a harsh tone, the words bearing more than he was saying, "We lose each other...we lose the ones we love. It's life."
She looked at the ground, "This is not about pity." Shaking her head, "Yeah the timing sucks, but it has nothing to do with your disease. It's..."
AN: Your comments have been so generous, I just wanted to say thank you to each of you for taken the time. Many have shared their thoughts and experiences as the story has reminded and touched them. My hope is that the the lessons that take place with our favorite characters will have some take away for everyday life, which is so full of uncertainty. For the many readers, followers and those who have favorited it is great to have you along. Madreag.