Falling Down
Chapter 15
After their outbursts, both had become quiet, but not for long.
He mused that he was seeing sides of Kate Beckett he'd never glimpsed before. The cop was nowhere to be found on this island. This Kate had skipped on the beach like a child. Gleeful, oblivious to to anything but the shoreline, and him.
As they had argued, all the cool was gone. It was not the interrogating Detective Beckett, but a wounded animal, feral, ready to strike.
He watched as she began to pace. It reminded him of Alexis, tightly wound over an issue at school and seeing no solution in sight. And here Beckett and for the first time, petulant. She took up a marching tactic, short tracks of four or five steps then a sharp reversal, then another series of steps, a snapping turn sending her back in the opposite direction. Finally she came to a stop. Her arms were not simply hanging at her sides, but pointed at the ground like spears, tipped with clenched fists. When she broke the silence, her voice was raw, "I hate that you have cancer!" Tears unrestrained, "I hate it Castle, maybe more than anything I've ever hated. It's wrong," her voice rising, "It's not fair..."
Then she was off again, the five step track. He wondered if she would wear a hole in the floor. Her fists remained balled as she stabbed at the floor. This time her voice sounded more defeated, like the unseen foe had prevailed and stolen her energy, "I hate it! It rips at me every hour of every day." Raising her head she moved towards him, but now her index finger extended at him like a spear.
He said nothing and did not step back and waited. Just before the finger collided, she opened her hand, stopped before him and placed it gently on his chest. "I have never pitied you Castle. Never!" She paused and took in a deep breath. "What you think you see as pity...is not….it's self-loathing, disgust. I've been a fool...it makes me so angry."
Another pause and her voice taking on a plaintive plea, her eyes red, "It makes me so sad. I have been so, so stupid, do you hear me…stupid!"
He looked down at her. The feral cat was gone, she now seemed frail to him, "I don't understand you Beckett. Self-loathing? Fool? Stupid? You're not making any sense."
Her face changed again, frailness replaced with anger, he'd seen her angry many times, but in a flash, she looked explosive. He thought she might bite, instead she spit out the words, "Will you please not call me Beckett?"
Another surprise registered on his face, he was tempted to shake his head in a whiplash fashion, but simply added, "It's your name!"
"It's my work name, just...just call me Kate, please?"
Now he was alarmed. Not over her anger, but her shifting moods. The one thing he knew was that his ability to read his partner was gone. She had evolved into a total mystery, "Kate...tell me what is going on."
The rage seeped away as quickly as it arose, she took another deep breath, "I've been having dreams...bad dreams...its made sleep...difficult."
"Bad? How often?"
"Almost every night...they're... they're always about you."
"Me? What about me?"
She stepped back and sunk onto the edge the bed, her tone softening even more, "It's always the same...you're in trouble...I can see you, almost get to you, but...then, I can't reach you...and you die."
He shook head, "That's...a bit morose."
"Yeah...I wake up sweating, screaming...sometimes crying. It's really wearing me out."
"Did you have one last night?"
"I think I started to...but I knew you were near...I checked...saw things were fine, so I could relax… go back to sleep...it was good." She smiled, "In fact it felt wonderful...it's one of the reasons I didn't want to get another room...one of the reasons I took the nap beside you…wanted to be able to open my eyes and see you...know you were there...that you were with me."
His heart thumped on the confession, "When did these start?"
Her words now clipped, "Not sure, guess...a couple of weeks...after you told me about your diagnosis."
He groaned and looked at the ceiling, "Ah Kate, I'm sorry...I didn't think it through...didn't think you would have a problem. You deal with a lot of things, a lot worse... than your wimpy partner."
"I don't… and you're not a wimpy partner...you've got something doing it's damnedest to kill you, what's wimpy about that?"
"I thought you were...you know...were detached enough. It would just you doing your cop thing, analyzing…."
She cut him off, "Detached? Detached? You've been with me for three years...you really see me as detached?"
He cringed at her tone, "Wrong word!" He looked at the ground, then back up at her, "Professionally objective?"
"Did I kiss you at the warehouse like I was objective?"
He swiped his hand over his face, "Kate...you have never said a word about...that kiss, it was like I'd over-stepped...yeah it worked, but you never said a word...I had no idea what to think."
She brooded for a few seconds, "Fine. But you know, I'm neither objective or detached." Spitting out the last word.
He stood and rocked side to side. "I'm still sorry...my condition caused those dreams."
She went silent again for a few beats, so he waited.
When she spoke her voice was low, soft, "I went for some help...saw a shrink. I'd met him after a shooting...the department sent me. But it didn't help, at least not with sleep." She studied her hand for a few moments, "But there's more...and it surprised me..."
"What do mean there's more?"
"You remember the skid row shooting, just before you took off?"
"Yeah, the case with no leads."
"We still don't have much, but I did some interviews….as always, people who knew the vic."
"Who knows a guy living on the street?"
"He wasn't just living on the street, there's a facility for the homeless, down in that area. The the guy who runs it is Michael Bishop. I interviewed him, to see if he could shed some light for us."
"Did he?"
She shook her head, "But Bishop is a character and not in the normal sense of that word. He was lawyer, got fed up with people on both sides of the isle. Said it was all a matter of shifting assets. After awhile he couldn't tell the sides apart. He left a large firm and the law, and went to seminary. He thought life was too short to just amass. After seminary he was again conflicted by those within organized religion. He left again. He said he wasn't mad at God, didn't stop believing, just didn't like the people who supposedly spoke on God's behalf. He ended up working at the homeless shelter in New York, says it's the best job he's ever had."
"Whoa, that's a lot of info...back story...not to do with the victim. Did any of that get you nearer the killer?"
"Not yet, but it gave us a clearer picture look of our vic. Bishop described him as one of his best residents."
"He graded the homeless?"
"No. They're his mission. He looks for those who make a turn around. He thought Bob Campbell demonstrated a real sense of understanding." She stopped and sat silently for a while.
When she spoke her tone had changed for a narrative reciting of facts to pensive, introspective, "He made me think, not just about the vic, but about myself." Another round of silence. He waited. "I was embarrassed, it felt like he was talking both to me, and about me. He saw the vic as having come to the end of himself. He believed, no one can ever start life, until they put aside all the pretense. To him, Manhattan is full of people with much less understanding about life, then our dead victim...who had stopped running. The vic knew he had giant holes in his character. Bishop said everyone does. He wondered why someone would want to kill his friend Bob, it was beyond him."
"Kate why are you telling me this? And what's it got to do with you?"
"It made me think Castle, about...how foolish I've been," she paused and stared off, "I think it's why I've been so undone. I'm scared Castle...and that's not something I'm use to..."
"Scared of what?"
"Of what I've ignored...what I've missed..."
"What? What have you missed."
The was anger in her tone again, "Me of all people…I should have learned the lesson of time...that it's never predictable."
"You're talking about your Mom?"
"Yes, but no. For Mom it was unpredictable and short. For me her death was an unfathomable shock, the losing her" She paused and shook her head wearily, "But in my quest...my need for justice...I missed, or just ignored the second prong of the lesson...time."
"How so? You've never wasted time." He smiled weakly at her, "Kate you get more out of twenty-four hours than most people."
She shook her head hard, "Working every minute of the day is not getting more out of each day. It's spending time like a drunken sailor...like there's an infinite supply." She had been looking away, but returned her gaze to him, "It's not infinite Castle...in fact it's painfully finite."
He thought he knew where she was going. But he wanted to avoid any misunderstanding that would end up creating a rift between them. He would assume nothing. He would take her presence over everything else. She was the best thing, the best person, in his life.
To her his face remained shadowed and either confused or cautious. His limited words did not help.
"Kate," he paused and exhaled, "I'm not sure what you mean...what you're getting at."
She glared at him, Beckett was bad, "You're making this as hard as possible...aren't you?"
But his expression told her she was wrong. He really had no idea. Before she could try again, he responded. His voice was low, not at all defensive, "I'm not trying to make anything hard...I'm just trying to understand what you're saying."
"Us Castle! Us! I've ignored...delayed and maybe missed us. We can pretend to find ourselves in our work, to be satisfied...but it the end...I'm guilty of wasting time and using it as a means of avoidance, a way not to deal with my heart."
"Are you OK?"
"No! No! I am not OK!" She moved to him again slapping her open hands against his chest. "I want to fix things...no more wasting time..."
He did not reach out, but moved back a few inches, studying her, watching her fret but still not sure what was next, "You know what I," he paused, not wanting to blurt out the L word, "...appreciate so much about you Kate," she shook her head, in what looked like disbelief, "You always surprise me, there's always so much more to you..."
She closed the space and moved against him, coiling her arms around his waist. "Castle, hush...can you please just hold me?"
He pulled her in, held her, a friend offering comfort. He did not engulf her but held her against him, offering this unusual support, something she'd seldom asked for in the past.
"Castle, I feel like you're hugging a dog." She broke away and took half a step back and looked up at him, "Am I a dog to you?"
He laughed, "No Beckett, you're not a dog. You're my partner and my closest friend. I'm here for you, like you are for me."
She shook her head, "You can be so lame. You still don't get it. You do know I'm a woman?"
He frowned, "Why say that?" But before she could answer, he added, "Not just a woman Kate...a beautiful woman...and as you know, to me...extraordinary."
She took a deep breath, "I want to cross the line Castle...but I do not want to do anything to harm us. You are more than a partner and friend to me...much more." She looked up and then stepped back into him, "Can you hold me like I'm the only woman on this island."
He chuckled, "To me, you're the only woman in this world Kate."
XX
Alexis Castle was jarred by her blaring cell phone. She groaned in frustration for failing to remember to turn it off. With her head still on the pillow, she pulled it near to look at the number. Gina's picture was lighting the screen, it was 5:45 am. She'd added Gina's picture long ago since she was unofficially the go-to-person if his editor could not find her dad.
After swiping once and missing, she tried again and then put the phone to her ear, "Gina...everything OK?"
"Oh Alexis, I'm sorry, I didn't look at the time...and yes everything is fine. I've just been worried about your Dad, have you heard from him?"
Alexis paused, she didn't want to over share, but Gina needed to know, even though her dad liked torture her by exclusion. "Gina, ah...sorta." Another pause.
"Alexis, now I'm starting to worry more. I haven't heard from him and he's not answering his phone. Damn it, I wish he had not run off to Egypt on his own."
"You mean the Galapagos?"
"Yes, Egypt is just a saying, and not a good one, a police friend of mine uses...to go far away."
"Well he's been under the weather, but is feeling much better."
The concern back in her voice, "How do you mean under the weather?"
"They think he had a reaction to his medications, it made him real sick."
"Alexis who is they?"
"Oh, sorry, the doctor in the hospital..."
She was cut off, "Hospital?"
"Well it sounds more like a clinic, but he was an in-patient overnight and part of the next day."
"But he's out?"
"Yes, he was released."
"Alexis do you think I should fly down there. Someone should be with him, don't you agree?"
"I do agree, but..." Alexis paused. She did not want to tell Gina that he was far from alone, but if she didn't Gina would be gone on the next flight.
"But what?"
"Ah…Detective Beckett is with him."
The editor was silent, except the drawing in of a short hard breath.
XX
At 11:45 he could hear her tossing, shoving pillows around in the bed next to him.
His voice clouded with sleep, "Beckett, what are doing?"
Petulance was back, "Don't like this bed!"
Even being sleepy it made him laugh, "You said last night was the best rest you've had in weeks, and you were in that bed, what's changed?"
He rolled his head to look at her, she was flat on her back, hands folded across her stomach, "That was last night."
He sat up, then stood between the beds, "Try mine." Pointing at his bed, the sheet tossed back.
Quietly she scooted towards him, then sat at the side of her bed, "You don't have to do that..."
"Beckett, get in."
She did so, and pulled the sheet up, wiggled, "This is better."
He silently laid on the bed she'd just crawled out of, arranged the pillow and took in the scent of her freshly washed hair. He turned his back to her, intent on reading himself to sleep. His ability to focus would not cooperate, with her so close, he wondered if he was up to this. Jumping back and forth between beds, taking in her fragrance on each passing. He knew he would pay dearly. His heart's capacity was being expanded by her presence and proximity. He loved her here, but the ache for her was only increasing. It felt like torture. He wanted to simply live in the moment, but his mind drifted to the next week, and the weeks after that. How could he go back to being without her. When it was simple, he wanted her with him, every second. He smiled at the stupidity of the thought. They both of had jobs, still he wanted to be invited into her head but most of all into her heart.
Their talk after dinner assured him that there was hope, that she was moving to the same destination. But even so, the thought of failure made his blood run cold. He wondered if she would change her mind for some unforeseen reason. What if she decided it was all a mistake.
Shortly after midnight he gave up on reading and turned off his tablet. With the room dark he could hear every sound and she was still stirring. Within twenty minutes, she was thrashing at the pillows and changing positions every two minutes. He opened his eyes and read, 12:47am, "Kate...what is going on?"
"Don't like this bed either."
He was tired and they had had a busy day, "What? Thirty minutes ago you said it was better. What's wrong with it."
She said nothing.
He slid to the edge, and peered over at her, "What is the problem over there partner?"
She spoke in just above a whisper, "Castle...don't think me crazy."
"OK. I will not think that...or, I'll try not to."
"I...I need to be...in your bed."
"You are in the my bed, I just moved for you, and it doesn't seem to work!"
It was her turn to move, she slid to the side of the bed, and made the one step journey to where he laid. She motioned him to scoot over, and slid in beside him, "I need to be in...whatever bed you're in."
He felt the warmth of her against him as her hand covered his stomach and her head landed gently on his chest. He wrapped his arms around her, taking in the scent of her hair, uttering her name like a prayer. And one more surprise.
"Kate, where are your clothes?"
She burrowed against him, "Fell off." She laughed, then turned serious after a pause, "Sorry for pushing...and sorry for wasting time." She held him tightly against herself, wrapping her leg over his, "Am I too late? Do you still want me? Do you care like I think you do? Or..."
He cut off her word by lifting her face to his and gently kissed her. Then softly, "Talk less Kate!" He kissed her again. "Too late?" Then kissed her neck. "Do I want you?" Biting at her ear lobe. "Will I turn you away?" He let out a small lecherous laugh.
She laughed, and then "I don't want to crowd into your life and..." She paused again, "But after Gina told me...to let you go...it just made me angry...I couldn't..."
He sat straight up, "Wait! What? Gina told you what?"
"To… to get away...to not torment you with…hope...with the idea of...the idea of us."
She could see his eyes flashing with anger in even the dim light, "When did she say that?"
Beckett shook her head wearily, "A few weeks ago, when we had lunch."
"When you had lunch? What?"
"Yeah she asked me to meet her, after she found out about your diagnosis."
"And you went?"
"Yes, you guys work together. She sounded very concerned."
"Yeah, like a snake..."
"She wasn't trying to be cruel, she thought I was...was playing with your heart. Said you were in...that you cared...said everyone knew...that I knew…and that..."
He cut her off again, "She's right... and you know that, I do...and have for years." He paused, "But at this time in life...I'm trying to figure out how not to burden you or anyone with..."
She pulled him back down to her, cut him off, "This is not about Gina! It's not about you being a burden. You do know I'm here in the Galapagos with you, lying beside you in this bed, because I want to be...this is not a burden for me." She laid her hand on his side pulling him closer. "I thought we had time...thought we could work out the kinks and finally be with each other...then everything came apart..."
"We're OK Kate...we're just fine."
"Then don't let go Castle! And don't ever leave me again."
"That's not going to happen." He kissed the corner of her mouth, "Nothing will come between us." He held on tight, still hearing the voice in his head, except death.
XX
When his phone rang, it startled him. He heard Kate mumble next to him. "Don't answer."
He kissed her cheek, "It's Alexis. I'll go out on the deck."
He slid out of bed and headed for the door, Beckett laughed from the bed, "Castle, ah... your naked." He came to a quick stop.
"Just a second Alexis." He mouthed 'cute' at Beckett, then pulled on his boxers. "Hey Pumpkin, how are you?"
Five minutes later he returned and sat on the side of the bed. "Hey beautiful."
She reached out and took his hand, pulling him down to her. "You promised not to leave me..."
"I think the deck is fifteen feet from our bed, so it's still considered, with you."
"Say that again."
"Say what?"
"Our bed...I love the sound of those words."
"Beckett are you going sappy on me?"
"No...just so happy to be here...sorry it…"
He stopped her mid-sentence, covering her lips with his, she groaned. When he pulled away he whispered, "Hush Kate. We're together, forget the past."
AN: As writers we struggle in picking the right words. In reading some of your comments, I find myself bereft of words. This subject is not a prop for a story, the loss of those we love is real and terribly difficult to live with. But things never goes as we expect. It can be worse, but also better. It can surprise us and fill us with hope. Mr. Marlowe created two characters, flawed and vulnerable and let love find them. This is story about loss, love and hope. Thank you for reading. Madreag.