Chapter NINE

By the time Aria reached the steps leading to Gamlen's hovel, dawn was breaking over the city. Merchants were arriving at their stands and setting up their wares for the day's bargaining. Anders stood there with her, having escorted her once Varric was safely back at the Hanged Man. They had walked in silence, stealing glances at each other, trying to gauge the other's emotional state.

"Aria, listen to me," Anders said as she moved to place a foot on the first step, his hand snagging her elbow gently.

She turned to face him slowly, keeping her eyes down, her foot sliding back off the step.

"Look at me," he gently commanded, his voice breaking.

Aria lifted her head, her eyes finally finding his. They stood there for a moment, gazes locked. She could read remorse and heartbreak in his expression. His eyes pleaded with her, but for what she was uncertain.

"Earlier, when I said we couldn't—"

"What's done is done, Anders," she softly cut him off. "No need to revisit it. Does your stance remain the same?"

"Yes, but if you would just listen—"

"Then we have no more to say to each other on the matter," she interrupted again, her voice tired and flat, her eyes leaving his for favor of her feet again.

He tilted her chin up and cupped her face, desperate to make her understand. He couldn't have her like he wanted, but he wouldn't survive losing her altogether, either. "You have become more precious to me than anything in my life. I am trying, desperately, to make you understand."

"I know your reasons, Anders," she replied, gently taking his hands away from her face and releasing them at his sides. "I just wish—you were surer of yourself. You're stronger than your fear of Justice."

"My fear is not of Justice. Can't you see that?" he begged of her, his dark eyes pools of grief. "My fear is of hurting you."

"Then don't," she flatly replied, turning and making it up three steps before another voice hailed her.

"Hawke! Up bright and early I see! Come! You'll want to see this," Aveline's voice rang out.

Aria groaned and squeezed her eyes tightly shut. It was going to be a very, very long day. She turned in Aveline's direction, finding Anders shaking his head sadly.

"What is it I am going to see?" Aria resignedly asked, coming back down the steps to greet her good friend.

"Justice," Aveline said with a cocky smirk, her emerald eyes sparkling. Anders understandably winced at the term.

"Lead on," Aria said.

Anders fell into step behind the guard, next to Aria. He wouldn't leave her when she was so weary. Especially after the wounds he'd inflicted upon her heart last night. He would make her understand, so that when she looked at him, it didn't shatter him to pieces. He couldn't bear the pain in her eyes, nor could he bear the flatness that had taken them when they used to sizzle and pop with life. But he would not survive it if Justice destroyed her just because she had feelings for him. Or because he had feelings for her.

As they passed through the doors into the guards' quarters at the Viscount's keep, Aria could hear someone yelling. She smiled to herself at the voice. So, the party was just getting started.

"How dare you! I am guard captain! I won't be treated like this!"

It was at that moment that Aria, Aveline, and Anders walked into the captain's office. His eyes shot daggers at Aveline.

"Fereldan bitch! This was none of your affair! I'll see you hanged! Quartered! This will not stand!"

Aria watched as the guards dragged the screaming man down the hall. Once they disappeared from sight, she turned to see Seneschal Brann enter the room. He was the Viscount's right hand man, and a royal pain in the ass. Conceited. Haughty. He looked down his nose at everyone who passed by him.

"We found a number of debts to…suspect peoples. Such poor character," he delicately sniffed, as though something particularly foul had just landed under his nose. "But you, Aveline Vallen, have proven your loyalty and ability."

Aveline lifted her head nobly, her back straightening as if she'd been called to attention. "The guard deserves better than him, messere."

"Indeed," Seneschal Brann concurred. A smile split his lips as he continued, "the Viscount would have you put your care for the men into direct practice. You will assume the captain's job."

Aveline's face lit up like a thousand torches. "What?" she asked with pleasant incredulity.

"In due time of course," the Seneschal chuckled, dabbing delicately at his eye as though he'd just made the most hilarious of jokes. "There will be training, approvals. Months, at least. But who better to rebuild respect than the woman who exposed this embarrassment? Resolve any outstanding business, Guardswoman. You will be very busy."

They watched him go and Aria turned to Aveline once he had disappeared from view. Aveline looked starstruck, a smug grin spreading her thin lips.

"Big changes are coming, huh?" she said, her eyes off somewhere in dreams of justice and prosperity. "Captain of the guard. Thank you, Wesley."

"That you keep his memory speaks well of him," Aria ventured, knowing this was a soft spot for her friend.

Aveline turned to her, her green eyes suddenly hard. "He's not with me. I know that. Wesley's at the Maker's side, or he's not. Either way, he knows no pain."

Aria smiled despite the flintiness of her response. "He seemed a good man, for a templar. I'm sure he's found peace."

Aveline nodded. "What I keep is that moment. I won't let anyone down like that again."

"You clearly miss Wesley, but that's not the issue?" Aria ventured.

"Of course I miss him!" Aveline said, sounding wounded. "But he's not coming back. Pining like a child serves no one. So I remember him, but I let him rest."

"You're not so kind to yourself though," Aria pointedly said.

"No," Aveline flatly replied.

Seeing that the topic was clearly finished, Aria's normal humour returned. "I could get used to having the law on my side."

Aveline glared at her, pointing a finger into her chest. "You'll behave yourself, is what you'll do," she threatened. "I just sent Jeven to prison over corruption. I won't go the same road."

Aria pouted, her tawny eyes sparkling even though dark circles had formed under them. "You never let me have any fun."

"I think that's best for everyone," Aveline replied, her tone jovial and teasing.

"I look forward to working with you, Guard-Captain Aveline," Aria giggled.

"Still strange, isn't it?" Aveline mused, more to herself than to anyone else. "Captain of the Guard. Thank you for helping me get here, Hawke. It's where I should be."

Aria bowed and when she straightened, she stretched her arms over her head and yawned.

"Maker's breath, Hawke. You look like hell. Didn't you sleep well last night?" Aveline said, as if she was seeing Aria for the first time today.

Anders chuckled, his chocolate eyes warm and teasing. "She had a long night."

Aveline quirked a brow. "And you had something to do with that?" she queried, speaking to the innuendo that Anders hadn't exactly tried to hide when he spoke.

"He did, Varric did, and there was this elf…" Aria hadn't meant to trail off the wistful way she did. It was not unnoticed by Anders and his demeanor instantly changed.

"Hawke!" Aveline gaped. "What in all the Maker's lands—"

"Oh, sweet Andraste Aveline! What do you take me for? Some common Lowtown bar-crawling harlot?" Aria accused, the humour of it all not completely lost on her. "I was up all night chasing down Tevinter slave hunters who were after their master's prize slave. The prize slave happens to be a very…cantankerous, but very unique elf."

"Oh?" Aveline asked, her interest aroused. "I heard talk of noise complaints about a mansion in Hightown and it happens to be owned by a Tevinter."

"Yeah, that was us," Anders quipped, his dark eyes hard and cold onyx as he stared at Aria.

"Please tell me you were successful so I don't have to deal with it," Aveline said, sitting down in the captain's chair and looking around what was now her office.

Aria smiled at the expression on Aveline's face. "We were. And now, if you please, I haven't seen my bed in over a day and a half. Though I hate the damn thing, I'm quite happy to go to it."

"Of course, Hawke," Aveline distractedly said.

Anders escorted Aria back to Lowtown. The walk from Hightown had been silent, but she could feel his ire radiating off him in tepid waves. They reached the marketplace before he finally decided to address her.

"Do you think he's attractive?"

She stopped walking and met his gaze, unnerved by the hardness jealousy lent his tone. "Who? The armourer? Ugh. Not at all," she deflected.

"Don't toy with me," he snarled, and Aria feared Justice might come out. "You know who I mean."

"Fenris? He is—strange," Aria carefully replied.

"But not in a bad way?" Anders snarled.

Aria sighed. "May I please just go home now? I don't have the strength or energy to fight anymore today."

"He's going to turn you against me."

Aria threw her hands up in the air in exasperation. "Maker's Breath and Andraste's Tits! You really need to make up your damned mind!"

"I have!"

"Oh really? Either I'm yours, or I'm not. Simple as that," she tiredly replied, starting to walk toward her home again. "You can't have me, but not have me."

He shadowed her steps. "It is not as simple as that, Aria!"

She tossed her shoulder, waving her hand in dismissal. "It is that simple."

Anders grabbed her arm and yanked her to him, staring down into her eyes. "The—feelings I have for you, Aria… They'll only lead to your demise, and that would be the end of me."

"How about you do me a favor," she quietly said, venom sluicing her undertone, "and either deny any feeling for me or claim them and deal with the damn consequences as they come."

He released her, throwing his arms up in his own vexed exasperation. "You're dealing with absolutes! There are far too many variables at play here! It's not black and white. It's…all shades of grey."

Aria shook her head and turned away from him, stalking down the street towards home.

"Aria!" he called after her, but she didn't stop, turn, or even indicate she'd heard him. "Aria, please!"

She kept walking. She was tired of this. Either he felt for her, or he didn't. Whether or not his denial was genuine was his to deal with, not hers. She wouldn't live in this world being torn apart by things she couldn't have. She wasn't going to chase dreams that couldn't come true. Nothing good could come of it. No matter how hard he wanted her to understand, she just wanted peace. She felt she deserved that much.

As she walked through the door, Gamlen unleashed another bevy of insults and accusations at her. She drew a blood-stained dagger and pointed it at him, inches from his chest. His eyes widened in shock and his mouth gaped open, but he was blessedly silent.

"Old man, I've had about all I'm going to take out of anyone for at least a week. Call me a whore, accuse me of gallivanting around without a care, and I'll show you exactly what I've really been up to. Would you like a demonstration?" Aria boomed, pressing the dagger just hard enough into his shirt to show she meant every word.

He shook his head.

"Good. Now leave me alone. I haven't slept in over a day and a half, I've dealt with the most caustic personalities, and the next person to piss me off is going to get a dagger clean through their heart. Understood?"

He nodded mutely and she sheathed her dagger, stalking off to her bed. Bethany lay still asleep on the bottom bunk, her face the picture of sweet innocence. Aria smiled and stripped off her armour, then crawled under the scratchy blankets. She was asleep before her head even touched her pillow.