Falling Down
Chapter 18
Unlike the rest of the world, Mondays were normally a good day for Kate Beckett. But not this one. They had returned from the Galapagos, two weeks ago. After her melt down with Castle's mother, he had soothed her, reassuring her that she'd done nothing wrong.
They had worked it out.
There was no need to re-run every mis-step of the past. The missed signals or near misses. And for the present they'd agreed they would not let cancer be the center point of their lives, the lens through which they saw their world. No BC and then AC for them.
They had been together for over three years. During that time they'd become both friends and partners. They were who they were and it was because of working together, laughing, teasing and caring. They'd let one another behind the curtain. There was no denying the obvious, his diagnosis had given them a push, but both knew all the components of love had always been there, long before that fateful April morning.
On this Monday she found herself struggling with the re-current urge. She didn't feel like she was sitting in this chair, she felt glued to it, lashed by it's constraints. She'd been alone at her apartment. She had come to detest any night they were not together. Their trip, weeks before had sealed it for her. Without him, she felt awkward and out of focus. She laughed at how stupid the unspoken thought even sounded. Waking in the night, reaching for him and finding a cold bed instantly pushed away sleep. An irrational fear of 'what ifs' became her bed-mate. Always beginning with what if he needed her, and she wasn't there? She'd made a pledge to herself to always be there for him, but if they were miles apart, how could that work?
"Yo Beckett, you in there?" Esposito's voice, sliced into her clouded thoughts.
"Right here Espo." Trying to focus and not sound as cranky as she felt.
"Where's lover boy?"
"We have a case involving a boy?" She snarked.
"Yeah, you go with that!" Without missing a beat he tossed in, "So where is he?"
"Are you talking about Ryan?" She looked around, "That's a good question."
Refusing to let it go, "Ryan's in the break-room, so where is he?"
"I'm not sure..."
Cutting her off, "Beckett's is Castle coming in today?"
"And why are you so concerned about Castle?"
"I'm not...I'm concerned about my boss." He turned and continued reading something on his desk.
Fine she thought, chalk that one up for Espo. But with that thought, her stomach sank. Had she become that transparent? How had her world been turned upside down so fast? Where had her focus gone? Had she lost her edge, to love?
A few minutes later she sensed someone's presence. She looked up to the cheesy smile of Kevin Ryan. "I can never remember, are you Mutt or Jeff?"
"My name is Ryan, not Jeff."
"Really because you're acting like those two famous character. Let me guess, Mutt sent you to...what? What do you guys do?"
"Detect….just detect."
"Ah, I get it! Sorta. What exactly are Mutt and Jeff detecting today?"
"Our boss'... MIA partner, Richard Castle, do you know where he is?"
"And why does his location concern you?"
"Just checking." He moved on, hardly missing a beat, "Partners work better with their partners. You know a team, and speaking of teams...like Yin and Yang? So where's Yang?"
She conjured her best glare, "Do I need to find work for you and Espo? Or would you like to return unscathed to your desk?"
Her phone pinged, she glanced at it, then up at Ryan. When he didn't move she looked at the text message: Hey, blueberry or cranberry orange scone? Trying not to laugh, she typed: Both!
When she looked up again Ryan was smiling down at her.
She tried to glare, but was still working hard on suppressing a smile, "What?"
Ryan shook his head, "I feel better! Nobody makes you smile like that...except him." Pointing his finger over his shoulder, "I think my phone is ringing." Which it wasn't.
"Good call." She pretended to return to her paper work. Attempted to focus on the task at hand. After a few minutes she smiled to herself, even they take care of her. She felt a sudden warm appreciation for life and her team.
XX
In the last two week he'd seen his doctor, three times. The news was, steady as she goes, the prognosis had not changed. Still the doctor was pleased with the ablation results. The fiasco in the Galapagos was due to the medication, Plenty's confirmed the symptoms and reaction, along with the fairly swift recovery. It all pointed to the Sorafenib, so for now it was out. They could modify the dosage, but for the time being they'd move on to the Regorafenib, hopefully the side-effects would be more manageable.
He laughed at the word as he considered the meaning of manageable. His life was anything but that. He'd come to terms over the last year or so of his hopeless love for Beckett and her lack of interest. But that all changed. He was depressed with his own conduct. How could he be so desperate? But he could not shake the thought. She was incredible in his eyes, making everyone else seem like so much less. Then came the mess with his health. Though he felt beat down in the waiting for her, his zeal for life came roaring back with a vengeance. He wanted to live. Wanted his full measure of days, not just a year or so. He wanted life, to drink it in, to love, to hold her and grow old with her. But the irony was, that one intangible thing, had been swapped with another. He had been granted love, but the days to possess and live it out, were now cloaked in uncertainty.
As he sat and considered the new crossroads of love and death, he made a promise to himself. He would not step back from this cruelty, this bad hand life had dealt him. Not this time, he would chose love, and death be damned. He loathed the sulking he'd allowed himself to wallow in while he pined for Beckett. That fact that he loved her first, meant nothing now. So was life, and yeah their timing always seemed to amiss. But that was behind them, still he saw his own dilemma.
Early on when he and Beckett discussed his treatment he had agreed with her recommendation, to jump and do all he could. After their trip he wanted to be even more aggressive. His appetite for life had expanded even. During this recent meetings with his doctors he asked about any cutting edge treatment, or experimental drugs. Dr. Plenty's smiled, "There are numerous clinical trials, I'll ask the team to take a deeper look at what one's look promising for your condition."
"Thank you doctor."
And Rick, they're not cheap, insurance shies away from clinicals."
"Fortunately I don't have to worry on that particular front."
XX
She heard her friend arrive. Lanie did not have a quiet mode. Within minutes she was at Beckett's deck. "Lets go eat!"
They made their way to a near by cafe and enjoy a half sandwich and soup special. When lunch was done the ME casually asked, "How come you never answer your phone? I even went by your place."
Shy Beckett studied her coffee cup, "I was at Castles."
"Ah, a little slumber party?
"No! No slumber party...straight up sex!"
The ME let out a whoop, "Girl you didn't even flinch on that one...I am so proud of you."
Beckett laughed, "Can't pass up pulling your chain...and it worked, Ms. Nosy."
"If this is your attempt at a retraction, it's not gonna work...you've got that...post-hook up glow."
"What is a, post-hook-up-glow?"
"You know, when you're all loved up."
Shaking her head with incredulity, "Loved up? Lanie, this is sounding more and more like... he sophomore year of high school...you know sex-speculation."
A smile covered the ME's face and she sang to her friend, "Ain't no speculating, all I'm say is...you got the glow…and you know I know." Wagging her finger at her friend.
XX
She decided she needed to address the dread. It took a day or so but she finally called Dr. Burke's for the first time since South America. The receptionist squeezed her in at the end of the day.
The entire day had been a rush, then it was done. Before she knew it she was heading to her appointment. Castle had texted a half dozen times, and called twice. She didn't spill about the appointment, but said she would see if around 7 pm.
"I'm happy, but…"
The doctor patiently asked, "But what Kate?"
"I've turned a corner and...and with one dragon slain, there's another one to take its place."
"Tell me what that means?"
She shifted, stared off into space for a few beats, then looked back at the doctor, "I...I've never been in love like I am now."
"You haven't told me about love."
"No, I guess I haven't," she paused as though gathering her words, "I'm embarrassed...at telling you...it seems...I don't know...so sudden."
He leaned forward, his voice taking on a serious tone, "Kate, you're here to talk to me. I'm here to listen. There is nothing to be embarrassed about in this room."
"I've told you many things...struggled through things with you, and here I am...professing love."
He smiled, "I think you've been in love for a long while."
It was her turn to smile, "Why would you say that?"
"Because of the way you speak, your smile, the way you light up."
"I'm talking about being in love with Richard Castle."
Another smile, "I am too Kate."
She let out a her first ever girlish laugh in his office, "I'm that transparent?"
"You are anything but transparent….but love leaks out...it's like light, you just can't hide it."
"How long have you know this?"
"Let's just say I've suspected it...for awhile." He moved his hands to his lap, folding them together, "But it was for you to discover."
"In some ways I wish you'd told me...pressed me a bit."
"I would never do that." He shook his head, "And take away the joy of discovery from you? No. But you mentioned a dragon. What of this dragon?"
She studied her hands, "With love...there's a new fear, a dread...and I don't want to spoil today with the worries of tomorrow."
"What is the dread?"
"His cancer...that it will steal him from me...after I've just found him."
"I don't mean this to sound trite, but for those who love, the possibility...no, it is fact that we will lose our beloved...it is always there."
"Why must the gift of love be wrapped in the certainty of loss?"
"That's a big question, with no easy answers."
"When I'm away from him, I find myself anxious, waiting for him to call...wanting to be near...to keep him safe."
Burke smiled, "That's not dread...that's simply love. Wanting the best, willing to do whatever it takes."
"But at the back of all those thoughts, is that nagging...that unspoken fear...an uncertainty that the next call, will tell us the cancer is on the move."
"As a detective, what do you do when you don't have answers?"
"I dig more."
"Do you wrestle with the possibility of not solving a case?"
"Not a first. I know the stats, the closure rates. They give me a...you know...preview of what might happen."
"What are the stats on Mr. Castle's cancer?"
Her face darken at the question, "They're all over the place."
"Like at the beginning of an investigation for you?"
She offered a weak smile, "Yeah, like that."
"How do you keep from being overcome by the negative stats on case solving?"
"I just work harder...dig deeper."
"How do you and your team, do statistically?"
"Better than most."
"Would you describe your success as the power of positive thinking?"
She laughed, "No, going through dumpsters? Nothing positive there,! Just hot, stinky work."
"Does that not apply to your dread over his cancer?"
Again she smiled, "Yeah it does. We'll have to work at it, make the right choices, try harder."
He folded his hands, "We're out time. But come back next week. Tell me how you doing."
"I will."
As she turned to leave he added, "And Kate, congratulations on letting love find you."
She beamed, "Thank you Doctor."
XX
It had been a couple of weeks since the last trip to the Hampton's. This time they wanted to venture a little further away. They decided Las Vegas knowing it would be fun since Kate hadn't been there since she was in college in California, which now seemed a life time ago. That trip had been a spur of the moment thing with her roommates. One minute they're having lunch, the next they in an old VW heading for Nevada. Castle laughed and had many questions about her trip. She had to admit she couldn't remember much, except that they only had a weekend for the trip. She complained that from Palo Alto to Vegas ended up being a, we'll-never-get-there, drive. And then they had to turn around and do it all over again.
This trip was well planned by Castle. He loved Bellagio's with it's fountain, gardens and numerous shops. He toyed with the idea of Aria but at Bellagio's they always had something he needed. One thing for certain, they needed a suite. She didn't complain. He liked luxury, and she loved him.
When it came to time off, the problems was always on her end. He was always ready willing and able to go. Anytime. But she had a job, a job loved and needed, and while things had changed since the Galapagos, she simply could not run at will. The changes meant she had stopped living at the precinct. She'd started using sick leave and vacation time. She tried to get away as much as possible. They'd planned some three day week-ends at the Hampton's, but for Vegas she had gotten a Friday through Tuesday. To make the most of their time away Castle contacted a friend. His buddy had offered to get them to and from Vegas with his private jet. They worked out a reasonable exchange.
At four-thirty Castle called, "Can you sneak out early?"
Beckett laughed. "Do you know how many times you have called me today?"
"I think three or four?"
"Try adding a zero to either number, you'll be closer."
"That is so not true, maybe ten, but not thirty?"
"You're worse than a kid Castle, and like a kid, you know we can't leave early. You know the rule! If the call comes before five, I have to pick up the phone."
She heard him groan, then his voice perked up, "How bout I cut the phone lines?"
Another laugh, "I will see you in front in, what twenty-four minutes" She walked to the window and looked out. He was already parked at the curb.
She returned to her seat and started shutting things down, when Montgomery called her to his office.
"Yes Sir."
"Detective, do you have a minute to do me a favor?"
She took a deep breath, trying not to show her concern and flutter in her stomach, "Off course," sounding cheerier than she felt.
"Well it seems my wife failed to mail our electrical bill. If I cover the phone, could you leave a few minutes early and drop this in the nearest post box for me?"
She could not retain the smile that erupted across her face. "I would be happy to do so. Thank you...so much."
With the envelope in hand she headed for the door, "Detective!" She stopped and turned around. "Tell him if he parks in the red in front of the precinct again, I'm going to have his limo towed next time."
Beckett barked out a laugh.
XX
He hated waiting, but that wasn't all. He hated being away from her. He was never bored when she was with him. He could not recall a time away from her, when he would end up turning to tell her something he'd just seen or thought about. But he schooled himself, he had to learn, had to be patient. She had important things to do. She sought justice, while he filled pages with words.
He was dragged from his thoughts by a tap on the window. He turned to look when she pulled open the door and slid in. The second she clicked her seat belt, the drive pulled away.
"Beckett, it's not five!"
She held up the letter, "Montgomery needs this mailed and asked me to leave a couple of minutes early."
He smiled, "I should kiss that man."
She leaned over and kissed his cheek, 'Maybe not."
They stopped two blocks away and she carefully placed the envelope into the curb side mail box. Once she was back inside, she asked what airlines they were flying with, he smiled, "KBA!"
"You mean KLM? We're going to Europe for five days?"
"No! Not KLM, KBA!"
"Is that some discount airline?"
He laughed, "Don't do Holiday Inn and don't discount airlines! KBA is, "he paused for affect, "Katherine Beckett Airlines." His eyes dancing.
"What are you talking about?"
"You'll see." From thereon he hemmed and hawed, until his driver pulled up beside a beautiful sleek Cessna Citation. "Castle what is this?"
"Our buggy madame."
Twenty minutes later they were wheels up headed into the western sun.
"OK Castle where did you get this...buggy?"
"I know a guy..."
She swiveled in the plush leather seat, "Castle I do not need a private jet to travel, any class is fine with me." She looked around the impeccably appointed aircraft, "You don't have to spend a fortune on things for me."
"It's not a fortune. He owned me a favor, and I didn't want to fuss with schedules and crowds."
She shook her head, "I think you're showing off."
"Yeah, I am! And I love to show off for you whenever I can." He tugged at her hand and kissed it, "You're worth it."
"And you're full of it Castle."
From McCarran International to the Bellagoi's is a mere seven miles and takes less than 15 minutes. Nothing like New York. Over half the drive is straight down the strip. With the different zones, it was just getting dark in the west.
XX
When they walked into the lobby they were greeted by one of the hotel hosts, "Mr. Castle, welcome to Bellagio's, your room is ready."
Castle smiled, "Were you able to work everything out for us?"
"Of course, right this way."
As they road the elevator up and up, her eyes grew wider and wider, "Castle are we going to the top?"
He leaned over and kissed her cheek, "I'm just a poor world famous author, we can only go to the 34th floor."
Whatever floor it was, the suite was huge. Once their host had shown them around and left them along, Beckett shook her head, "Castle, this is bigger than my apartment!"
"I just wanted this to be special for you. Never know when we'll get back to good ole Vegas." He watched the cloud wash over her, and the sparkle disappear from her eyes. "Hey, come here. You took the wrong." Wrapping his arms around her. "That was not what you heard. We may be back a dozen times, but this is first, I want it memorable."
She spoke to his neck, "I'm sorry...its just..."
"Just what Beckett?"
"It seems like you've started use gallows humor more, or maybe it's just me, but it's painful , I don't dwell on those things."
He was silent for a few beats, "I haven't thought about that...I'll be careful." With skipping a beat, "I'm starved lets go find some eats."
XX
It had been about 6:15 when they took off from New York, the flight was five hours and after the time zone change, along with the trip to the hotel, they didn't get to eat until 10:15.
It was now 1:00 am in Vegas, Kate was sound asleep. She had crammed five days into four so they could take the trip and had simply run out of gas half way thru their lite dinner in one of the many coffee shops at Bellagio's. She barely made it from the door to shower, which lasted three minutes and then crashed onto the bed.
One of the casualties of his treatment was sleep. He had enjoyed the ability to work late, far into the night, and then sleep for hours in order to recharge. But since the ablation and onslaught of medications, sleep has become illusive. He would have trouble falling to sleep or staying asleep and the next night he would sleep like a baby. The problem was, he had virtually no say in the matter. This night barred him access to rest.
He sat in the corner of the bedroom, in one of the large reading chairs. He'd set the screen light to low on his tablet so he would not bother Kate. He alternated between reading and watching her. He'd always been crazy about her, loved all her quirks. Instinctively he knew that she was beyond him, he dreamed, but never believed she would be with him, not like this. But here she was.
His thoughts slipped back to the shadow that engulfed her when she misunderstood his comment about returning to Las Vegas. The pain that emanated from her eyes haunted him instantly and still lingered. Her pain darkened him. He wanted to soothe her with kisses and reassurances, but that would be selfish now, she needed rest. So he reasoned with himself. Reviewed the subtle shift that had occurred. There was something about the prospect of death so near.
He agreed with the old adage, one could never avoid either death or taxes. He had fought over the later, but did not think he would have to face the former so early in life. It had jaded him and he did not want to hurt her with his own crass defenses. He wanted her heart left unburdened, while there was light, and hope. He needed to talk to her, and explain. Promise her he would consider her always, and not be flip over something that would fall so heavily on her. He put down his book, and just watched.
XX
She never sleep past 6 am in New York, even on week-ends, she'd just wake up. When she looked over at the clock it read 3:45am, she could help but do the math, it was quarter to seven in New York. She felt the bed beside her, no Rick. When she sat up she could see the light from his tablet, he had fallen asleep in one of the chairs.
She went to him and gently touched his face, leaned down and whispered, "Hey Castle, come to bed."
XX
He couldn't see the time and for a second wasn't sure where he was, but it seemed pleasant to him. He was drifting between worlds. He felt something press him, warm and soft, then he stumbled into the land of living, it was her. She was wrapped up against him. This would be good day.
AN: Your many comments, likes and favorites are greatly appreciated. Thanks for taking time to read my tale. Madreag.