Falling Down
Chapter 19
Their morning was leisurely. Felt like a Saturday, but she reveled it was only Friday and they'd have four days together. Four days, just for them.
Castle slept late, so she took his chair and read. She didn't read for long before a shadow fell over her. It was their conversation about 'coming back to Vegas,' and how she reacted. She wanted him to...be himself, with his goofy sense of humor, but the brevity of time and shadow of death were out of bounds for her. Like a wound, it was just too fresh, too tender, it could not bear the weight of even the lightest touch. That lingering fear, the constant knowing that something was happening, that his body's mutiny was something neither of them could prevent. It was all too raw and too painful for her. As she squirmed under these thoughts, she fixed her gaze on his sleeping form, and wondered how he coped with this unbeatable foe. Pretend? Defy? Ignore, and never give in to it's daily assaults?
So she read for a bit, then sat the book down and watched, resisted the urge to climb back into bed and launch her own assault. She was startled by his sleepy voice.
"Beckett?" With eyes still closed he patted the bed next to him.
"Hey sleepy head."
"Where are you?"
"Sitting in the chair watching my love spend our vacation, asleep."
He stretched and yawed, then chuckled, "This from the woman who fell asleep at nine o'clock?"
"You are such a liar Castle, we weren't even here at nine!"
"Literary license." Another yawn.
She sprung from the chair, took three long steps and slide across the bed, landing on him, "You're under arrest mister," biting his ear.
He groaned, "Oh I love this...when you do the huffy cop thing."
She growled, "I'll huffy cop you..."
XX
They settled on room service. She accused him of ordering one of everything on the breakfast menu, plus an extra gallon of coffee.
After the a leisurely meal and showers, they exited the room at noon.
She pushed the elevator button, looked at her watched, "Castle, I think we missed the early worms."
He pulled her in and kissed the side of her head, "When Elvira is your bed mate who cares about worms."
"So, I'm Elvira? What exactly does that mean?"
"Shall we skip the elevator ride, return to the room and I'll provide the illustrated version?"
"Later, Tarzan, later!"
XX
So they'd flown across the country to visit Sin City, the Land that Never Sleeps. Where the high rollers and crazies come to act out a life they don't have at home.
They stood at the curb of Bellagio's. His hands uncharacteristically in his pocket and a what-have-I-done look on his face. Before she could ask, a black town car pulled up and stopped at the curb. The driver, a guy in his sixties exited and came around to open the door, "Mr Castle?"
"Hey you must be Bob?"
"I am, glad you called. You guys ready to go?"
Beckett remained silent, "We are." He turned an extended an arm for her to slide in first, "After you, my dear."
After they got underway she, took his hand, "So Castle...where we going?"
His eyes danced, a kid-in-a-toy-store look, "Hoover Dam." She laughed, not at the location, but at his own squirming.
Bob had a low resonate voice, it reminded Kate of James Earl Jones, it was pleasure to listen to. It didn't matter what he was saying. It was like vocal honey. A couple of times she did a second take of the driver, she couldn't believe that voice came out him.
Later Castle told her about a friend who'd done this car-story-teller thing with Bob early in the year. It was had been his favorite part of the trip to Vegas.
As they made the 45 minute trip, Bob began to tell the story. The Hoover Dam was one of the Great Depression work projects the government funded. It had been constructed between 1931 and 1935. Bob's father had worked the full five years on the dam. It was before he married Bob's mom. He had told his son about living in Ragtown, a squatters village of over 5000 people located near the construction site. Times had been hard. The weather unbearably hot, With temperatures up to 130 degrees. Bob's dad told him stories of people living in the village who died because of the heat. When the conditions in Ragtown became know, the government started building housing, schools, stores, even a hospital. It became ,Hoover City.
During the construction, a total of nearly a hundred men died. It was hard, the work was dangerous but came at a terrible time, it was at least work. His father always spoke proudly of being part of the project and was thankful his whole life to just have been involved. His dad never left Nevada, meet and married wife, Irene, Bob was born in 1947.
When they arrived at the damn Beckett and Castle were astounded at the sheer size of the thing. Over 700 feet tall, two football fields wide at the bottom.
Bob had arranged for them to ride the elevator down its concrete shaft within the dam. It traveled 500 feet and deposited them at the giant hydro-electric generators.
XX
They returned to the Strip after eight that evening, both tired but still jazzed by the days adventure. Later in the evening they were still jabbering about the trip, the damn, the tour, all of it.
"Thank you." She whispered as she bussed his cheek lightly, "It was a wonderful day."
He smiled and gave her a hug, "Yeah, Bob was a great recommendation."
"So what shall we do tonight?"
"How about a little dinner. We can try our luck at gambling and maybe ride the tram down to New York, New York."
"What? See if they did our City right?"
"Something like that, plus, it's not far from Egypt!"
"Let me guess Castle, the Luxor?" She could see he was back in kid mode.
"Yeah, let's find some real mummies."
In the end they didn't last long. Kate refused the roller coaster ride at New York, New York, and Castle never found a mummy.
They elected to skip the tram, and take a taxi back to Bellagio's. Upon arrival they roamed though the gambling areas and then headed back towards the galleries. While they ambled they were nearly run over by a large party that was heading for the fountains. It was a wedding party.
Beckett started to walk again but Castle lagged behind, his mood shifting. "Hey what happened you running out of gas old man?"
He offered a light laughed, but it never made it to his eyes, "Cute."
She hooked his arm and made a u-turn and pulled him in the direction of the elevator for their room. When he failed to keep up her pace she steered to a small sitting area. They each took a stool, "Castle would you like some coffee?"
He seemed to not really hear, but studied his hand for a second, then looked up at her, "In another life...I would have asked you to marry me."
Not many things in life surprised Kate Beckett, but this did. It struck like a blow to her stomach. She gasped for air, then immediately felt her eyes start to burn.
She stood and stepped near, her surprise turning to anger, "Do you think life is drama class and what? This is your first read of life? There's only one read, and it's all we get Castle." With that she stormed off.
XX
There had been many disagreements over their time working together. But since they'd been together, together, they'd fine tuned their rhythm. Not tonight. He knew he was in trouble the second the words left his mouth. He knew she would misconstrue what he meant. He was happy, so happy to be with her, to have her heart, but at times he felt selfish. He had wanted her from the first meeting, some, the guy and the hot-chick-thing. But there was more. Even early on he had a sense that he'd met a 'one off.' Never before, never again. She was unlike any woman he'd ever known. Many of the women he'd dated, and knew, wanted to look like one of the beautiful talking heads on the evening news. Perfect hair, perfect teeth, perfect diction, perfectly boring. Not Beckett, she marched to her own drum. He'd waited, wanted and finally won her heart. But the man who initially lusted for her, and then loved her, were two completely different people. For when love finally engulfed them, simultaneously the sands of his life shifted and began to slip away because of his health.
When they'd flown back from the Galapagos, they'd had a similar spat. He had tried to explain why his plan was for her to travel with him for just one year. It was for her safety. He was only asking her to be his companion for fixed period of time, and then, then she would return to her life, and he would step up and face his. She has a career and he would honor that, but her arrival in the Galapagos changed everything.
He knew he had already effected her career, she still worked hard, but she'd blown off the FBI. The old Beckett would never have done that. He had no doubts as to why.
It was not Detective Beckett that came and found him, it was Kate, a friend and quickly thereafter a lover. She was not there for a roll in the sand, and island romance. She had found her heart and he was at the center. She did not cajole, simply clung.
When he heard himself say, "In another life," he cringed, knowing there was a storm ahead. Now he sat on a bench in the swirl of activity that Saturday night and fortified himself for what was next.
After another fifteen minutes of self-pity he sensed that he was facing a new emotion. Fear. It was mingled with a sense of dread knowing he had an angry Beckett on his hands. He'd done a lot of stupid things around her. Earned her wrath a number of times, and she could be angry. He secretly believed she let anger control her interrogations when she didn't know what to do. It worked on him. So now he had to go up stairs and face the music. Try to apologize and remember to keep his mouth shut when his brain veered anywhere near this topic. It was time.
XX
Beckett had been tired before they even got back to the hotel. Castle had seemed more worn out than her and as he started to lag behind her she became worried that they'd overdone.
She watched him as the crowd of wedding guest walked past them. His face clouded over and his expression flat. Before she could ask what was happening, he mumbled about another life and asking her to marry him.
She was surprised at herself. In a mere thirty seconds she switched from genuine concern to outright anger. She actually thought of shoving him against the nearest wall and choking him until he explained his stupid comment. He was breaking the rules. Damn him. He couldn't do that, they didn't have time.
She felt the tears flood her vision, and then they started to trickle down her cheeks. What was wrong with her? Why was she so frigging emotional. This was not her. Well this was not the old her, the one before Castle. Some people fall in love, some talk themselves into love. She had ignored herself, the murmurings of her heart, ignored some more, and then collided with the truth. She loved this frustrating man and with that her self-control had been swept away. She felt vulnerable, worried and lonely without him near. Very near. She cried for joy and their shrouded future. She just wanted him with her, and for him to stop being so stupid. She was angry again.
She had left the lights off and returned to her early morning perch. Sitting in the darkness she kicked off her shoes, crossed her arms over her chest, and stewed. She could wait him out.
XX
He stood outside door, stared briefly at the carpet, then slid the key card. When it turned green, he pushed open the door. The room was pitch black. The drapes were drawn, the lights were all out.
He spoke quietly, thinking she might be asleep, "Kate?"
Nothing.
He quietly turned and shut the door very gentle. He shucked off his shoes, and moved into the room to let his eyes adjust to the darkness. He began to see splinters of light at the drape tops and bottoms and the soft red hue of the TV set's ready light.
He waited 30 seconds and then started to survey the room. As he moved into the sleeping area he spotted her in the chair. She sat straight as an arrow, he could also see the faint line of her jaw. By her posture he knew he was screwed.
"Kate…"
"No Castle! It's my turn." Her voice hard, the speech staccato like gun fire.
In the next moment she was in front of him. She grabbed his shirt, spun him around and shoved him towards the bed. He back peddled. She was not slowing down, but kept shoving until the back of his knees hit the bed. He flopped down.
He heard the light click and squinted at the brightness. Beckett was back in the chair. She glared. She had been crying. He was such an idiot.
"Kate, I'm..."
"No Rick. I get to talk, and you get listen!"
"OK."
"I'm tired this conversation. Because it lingers, like a stray dog. But it's not welcomed in our lives. It's going to die tonight."
He could see her bristling with energy, or anger, or both. In the next instant she was up, pacing in front of him. She was beautiful. He did not want to cause her pain, but he had. So whatever was on her mind, she needed to get out. He had it coming. Dumb seemed to run deep with him.
"I am so mad at you. Do you know that?"
He shook his head slowly up and down.
"I've asked myself why do you do this to me?" She paused and shook her head, paced.
"You tell me one thing but you do...or say the opposite," another pause. "It makes me think you're not being honest with me, or with yourself."
"Kate..."
"Castle, just hush. Can you please give me a chance?" glaring at him, "Let me get this out."
He held up his hands in surrender.
"I'm torn, are you trying to punish me for the years I pushed you away? Or do you have a secret plan to shove me out of your life? Are we back to your one year BS rule?"
He knew better than to speak, to answer her questions.
"Your actions make me think...after waiting for me, wanting me..." she looked down and paced in a circle, then faced him again, "You got me, all of me...but it's not enough, like buyer's remorse, what you thought you wanted...was not what you got." She shook her head, in weariness.
He started to move, but she held up her hand, "I understand you not wanting marry me...I..." She jumped back as he sprung off the bed. His arms pulling her in.
"Stop! Stop right there!" His voice was firm, and without patience. He paused, then gently pressed his fingers to her lips, "No, No, No. There is no buyer's remorse! No secret plan to push you away. No punishment for our delays in getting together."
He paused and pulled her close, "I'm a jerk Kate. I say stupid things...and I hurt you," he pulled back enough to slip his hand under her chin and lifted it, brushing a kiss across her lips."I can see you've been crying...I don't want to be the source of tears for you...I'm sorry my love."
She wrapped her arms around his waist and held him tightly, "Rick you told me that… that the cancer would not have center stage, we'd push it aside and have our life...but when you tell me...in 'another life' you'd be proposing to me," she stepped back and bored in, "What am I suppose to think? You're letting it up stage everything."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it come out that way...but it did."
"Rick, I am not leaving you, ever! I do understand you not wanting to marry me..."
He shook his head, "Whoa! Stop! Stop saying that...that is not what I meant, no matter how it sounded." He stepped back and held her at arms length. She looked at him, wondering, then in an instant he dropped to his knee.
"Kate I have always wanted to marry you. I would love being married to you...do you... would you marry me? Even if I'm a jerk?"
She let out a laugh and knelt down with him, "Rick, in my head...I'm already married to you. You're it. If your asking if I want your name? Of course I do."
He smiled a hugged her again, "You know I'm fine with you...not changing your name, or hyphenating, or whatever you want?"
She finally smiled, 'We've been Beckett and Castle for years, like the names were glued together. I want your name to be my name."
He stared at her for a few beats, "Why is that?"
"I have done OK with my parents name. I have talents, that just came with the package. My detective instincts are natural, I may have honed them, but they were there, even as a child. It's a way of seeing the world." She paused, "You have them. You call it seeing the story, but its really seeing what's not apparent at casual glance. But in relationships, I tend to be...klutzy...awkward..."
"You are not a klutz! Hot, beautiful, smart..."
"Hush, the word is klutz. Only one person has been able to put the klutz aside...you."
He waited, "I have been a Beckett for 30 years, it's time to move on. I will stay Beckett at work, but for everything else, I want my name to be yours."
He pulled her close, "You are the hottest, klutzy thing I have every met."
When the kiss ended, they smiled at one another, happy and calm. They ended up scooting against the bed as they sat on the floor. She brought his hand up to her lips and kissed it. "Do you want to go get married tonight?"
"Sure I do! I'd love to, but..."
She raise her head, her eyes going wide, "But? But what?"
"I need Alexis, and Mom...your Dad, Lanie and they guys with us." He leaned over and kissed her gently, "You know how much I love you, I want then to know too...want them to hear me declare my love for you...and anyone else who will listen."
She looked up at him, the dark eyes glistening, "Castle you're killing me here. Do you know what my eyes are going to look like in the morning?"
"Green, beautiful green."
"I think we should get off this floor, take a shower and...then you need to stop the love talk...and prove up all these declarations you've been tossing around tonight."
He stood and pulled her up, "I would be happy to oblige."